AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

[Daffydilly]

That's it really - just needed to get it off my chest. If there are any step-mums out there who don't recognise that feeling then please let me know your secret.

[foolio]

AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

feel better already.

another weekend of SD being dumped on us the entire time.

another weekend of being made to feel unwelcome in my own home.

another weekend of receiving a bag full of dirty clothes from SD's mother.

I dread weekends all the time now.

I'm off on holiday, without DP, tomorrow. He's off with his family in a few days time for 2 weeks. We won't see each other for 2.5 weeks which is tough, but I really need a break from the whole situation.

[DillyDora]

Cheers talie. Sorry your ex gives you crap, I don't know why people feel they have a right to do that. How does that work 'I had a relationship with you once so now everytime I'm pissed off instead of kicking the cat I'll kick you....' ???? That's just an ugly and undignified way of behaving.

O well...onward and upward eh?!

[talie101]

DillyDora - what a pathetic reason! - and surely she realises that just because they possibly had a crap relationship, it doesn't mean you two have. Relationships either work or they dont, grass is greener or it isn't etc.

I think what you say MJ is true about exwife being bitter because her own life hasn't turned out quite as she might have hoped. She obviously has nothing better to do with her life than try to upset the lives of others.

Even though I haven't moved onto a better life and got much, I have a happy loving settled one with my children and I think my exh still gives me crap now and again purely because the grass isn't always greener, he's not always happy with his life and sees that I'm doing good for myself - and I'm the only one he can take things out on too! If you are truly happy with your life, why would you feel the need to still antagonise your ex? You would surely want every area to be happy?!

You all sound like decent stepparents and can only continue to do your best for the children concerned. If you've tried to make things amicable with mum and she's refused, then just feel good that you've put the effort in and she hasn't - you can do no more.

[DillyDora]

Talie her stated reason for not wanting to meet me was 'What's the point? I won't be able to convince her (me) of what a dreadful person you (ex) are.' errr...okay, I actually just thought she'd want to meet the person who was going to be around her children...call me crazy. She's behaved the same with anyone DH has been involved with since she and he broke up (a break up in which no one else was involved), completely ignored them.... The only reason it matters is because I'm around her children and she criticizes me to DH but won't sit down and talk to us. Bah, it's all silliness, it won't change I don't think and it's not really worth getting into. It's just a shame. Not everyone is cool like you!

So sorry for your DSS & DSDs mjinhiding

[talie101]

All I can add really is that with time DSD will be able to make her own mind up about the situation and make her own choices - you can only wait till then. Stay positive, make her stay with you as lovely as possible and just try switch off to the rubbish coming from the ex - you never know she may realise the error of her ways given time too.

No child should be forced to call stepmum or stepdad anything another person tells them too - that really is out of order! It should be the choice of the child. I have a stepfather and my mum never told us how to address him - in the end I decided I wanted to call him 'dad' out of respect because he was the one who actively took part in my life. Even if my dd's ended up calling stepmum 'mum' too, although I would be initially devastated, I guess I should also be thankful that they feel that close to her. (The dd's could have a stepmum from hell and hate going, but they don't and aren't part of the situation that happened between me and their dad - I can only be thankful that she treats my children very well).

Dillydora - exwife must have had her reasons for not wanting to meet up and that's up to her. Don't know your present situation but with time, maybe you could offer to meet again? I really can't understand why she wouldn't want to meet you if you were nothing to do with their separation. I would most definitely want to be on speaking terms in that instance - I just find the whole OW situation still a little painful but we will get there, because that's what I ultimately want.

[DillyDora]

Just to say Stacey I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, and so so sorry for your DSD - poor kid.

[DillyDora]

Hi All,

Thanks Talie for being the voice of reason - omg there is a reasonable ex out there! I wanted to meet my DH's ex before I met the kids but she has always refused to meet me (in 2.5 yrs) so there is no dialogue which is just ridiculous. She and DH had been broken up for 7 years before I came along.

Daffydilly you and I have a lot of the same issues. Don't want to give too many details here in case I can be identified by the very very scary ex but she has been instrumental in keeping the kids away from us when it suits her by telling them things that have frightened them .

It's a tough situation for everyone, it's a good job I love DH so much, that's all I can say! I wouldn't be the first partner who has given up in the face of it all!!!

[stacey5426]

talie101 I know where your coming from I dont expect her to, the problem I have is my DSD has to call her mums other half Dad and gets yelled at if she calls him by his name... but she's not allowed to acknowledge me in any way shape or form. I really dont give a shit, its how the child feels in my eyes and she likes being with me and her dad and we have fun so thats all that matters.

[talie101]

There are lots of reasons why exes cause trouble, but they really should be adult enough to deal with it and really shouldn't involve the children in their battles!

Please remember there are always two sides to the story though - my ex has from day one convinced his now wife that I am some sort of crazy woman that trys to stop him seeing his kids! (I have to remind him to think of all the times he hasn't seen his kids - oo is that mostly the times he's cancelled? I rest my case!) She obviously believes him because I have even offered to meet up with her (which took a lot for me to do) and asked her to judge me for herself and not go by what he tells her - she refused. Don't get me wrong I don't want to be best friends with her, I haven't got to that stage yet purely because she was the OW, and as yet thankfully I don't really have to have conversations with her but I do hope in the future that we will be on proper amicable speaking terms because that's what I feel is best for all concerned.

Also, unless you hear first hand from the exwives please remember that children tell you their version of events too and not always fact. I know this from experience as my kids come back and tell me things which have really infuriated me at times, but when I've asked exh his explanation is quite different and acceptable.

Stacey - I do think stepmum being called 'mum' is a difficult one and I would personally find this quite upsetting if my dd's called their stepmum 'mum' - I can't explain my reasons, guess I'm just a sensitive emotional fool but I do feel I am their only mum.

[Daffydilly]

Hijacking is good - I'm just happy not to be alone with this.

[stacey5426]

Im with you on the ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH front. I am torn every weekend, is it going to be a good one or a bad one, what shite is her mum telling her.

I have been so understanding that her mum maybe feels threatened etc but recently its starting to quite blutly piss me off!! Ive been with her dad for long enough. We have lived together for 18months-2years now. last year DSD's mum just stopped for no reason my partner seeing his daughter. We had to take her to court and 9 months later we won :-D so she is with us 3 weeks out of 4 (and meant to be with us in holidays too - not that it ever happens)

My niggle here is this: her mum has told her (she is 4) that she is NOT allowed to wear clothes that we buy her, she is not allowed to take anything back to her mums from our house etc etc etc

I finally flipped when her mum told her that she is not allowed to call me mum, think of me as mum, or get attached to me as me and her dad wont be together that long!! Im sorry but I find this totally out of order, for one reason is that she is allowed 2 dads but not 2 mums....and seriously my DSD was so upset thinking me and her dad would be splitting up!

I kinda put my foot down and said whatever her mum has told her etc stays at the front door, when she is here she is with us and not her mum. She was so pleased as she told her dad that she wants to call me mum, to the point of waking me up at 6am to give me a hug and tell me she loves me, and loves me being her other mummy.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh feel so much better (sorry if I hyjacked)

[talie101]

Thank you Daffydilly, I'm glad I'm not the only one with old fashioned views.

• and thank you so much for that mjinhiding - if you actually spoke to my exh and his wife they would probably tell you a different story! Funny how people see things in a different light, but although I say it myself, I do actually stand back and not interfere as much as I possibly can unless, like I said before that I feel really strongly about something. If only all split families could be like this - it would be so much easier for all concerned.

At the end of the day, the only person you are really winding up is yourself if you continue to nag and moan at the other person! I want an easy, stressfree life and no hassle rubs off on the children and makes them so much happier going between the two families. (I also made mistakes in the early days in reacting to how the ex treat me because I was so upset! - but quickly learned from them as it had an adverse affect on the dd's to the point I had to seek professional help for my eldest). I soon changed my reactions to exh and OW and things are SOOOOOO much better now. Unfortunately exh still has issues with me (anyone would think I left him!) and is really disrespectful of me and anything that goes wrong is ALWAYS MY fault according to him - but again, I don't react and it's soon forgotten.

I don't want to go backwards I want to move forwards and treat both of them how I like to be treated myself. Life is too short for arguing all the time and mumsnet and these conversations show me how lucky I am.

[Daffydilly]

It's so good to be talking about this on here. Part of what makes it harder is that my grown-up daughter is in a really good and positive step-family situation so I can see how it could be. I feel like you talie about young girls wearing strappy tops and make-up and have refused to go swimming with my DSD's in their bikinis - brought for them by their Mum. I never let my girls wear them at that age and it feels wrong to me. I know I'm old fashioned but I'm just not comfortable with it.

[talie101]

I feel for you Daffydilly. Mum really shouldn't interfere in how the kids are generally looked after by you or their dad. She needs to back off.

My dd's stepmum is OW and I could, if I felt the need, be the exwife from hell - I was devastated when she finally got her claws into him - but I am mature enough and responsible enough to know that if the kids are happy, I'm happy. I don't think that I have any rights to say anything about how they do things generally with the dd's in their time, unless they are in any danger. My kids come back having worn the same clothes the whole time, no teeth cleaned, no hair brushed, sometimes hungry etc all things I could nitpick at but although this does irritate me on occasions, I just tell myself they've had a nice time with their dad and now they are back safely and in perfectly good health etc same as they were handed over.

I do, however feel I'm asking a resonable request for my 7 and 5 year old not to wear makeup and nail varnish, short skirts, strappy tops before their time. Not a big deal to some I know but just something I feel strongly about and would hope my views and opinions would be respected.

I actually feel more lucky having read your posts as I would hate to have constant battles with stepmum over the children.

Try to switch off and just look after them as you see fit - I would actually feel sorry for her that she has nothing better to do than constantly moan and try and involve the children in her battles - she needs to get a life.

[Daffydilly]

They already do see me as that - because she has actually told them that is the case. It's not as simple as just not doing as she says. She is a bully and a specialist in emotional blackmail. It's a complicated story but I really can't see an alternative at the moment. Tne stakes are too high for me personally - I could push for a full on battle but if she wins she will move away and I know we will have to follow. All my family are here and it would break my heart to live anywhere else.

[Daffydilly]

I am not allowed to take DSD's to school, I'm not allowed to take them to the loo if we're out, I'm not allowed to read them stories and have only been allowed to be on my own with them for very short periods in the last few months (have been with DH for 4 years. I'm not allowed to ask them to either do something or not do something. I am fed up with being made to feel that there's something wrong with me. I understand that mums don't want step-mums muscling in on them but I just want a normal household. I want to be able to say "don't jump on the settee". I don't want to be their mum - I have my own children and am not very "motherly" anyway. My DC are grown up so I don't honestly know how I would be if I had young children and a step-mum came on the scene - but I do like to think I would be less extreme. I just think that you can't have too many people who care about you and while I'm not their mum - and don't want to be - I am another adult in their lives who could be enriching their childhood.
End of rant..... (for today anyway!)

[talie101]

I think it is both difficult for mums and stepmums.

I'm mum and really pleased that my dd's have a stepmum I really have no complaints about. However, I would be quite upset if she took over the role of mum in such things as have been mentioned above - ie going out and buying bras (unless a specific birthday/xmas present). Things like this are surely a special thing between mum and daughter? (if they have a good relationship)- and shouldn't be taken away from them.

I do have very firm views over ages for wearing nail polish and makeup, and the type of clothing my dd's wear and have had to on several occasions ask dad and stepmum to please respect my views on this, which they have ignored a couple of times for whatever reason. I very rarely have my say unless I do feel strongly about something, and think it is really very important that some things remain consistent throughout the two homes.

I see their refusal to respect my views on this as a battle waiting to happen with my own dd's which I really don't want to happen (yes, it may sort of happen anyway but then it's just a case of I've said No! In this instance it's, well dad/smum lets me!) if they allow them to do this, I then come across as the ogre not allowing them, something I feel is really unfair!

Difficult isn't it. Don't think either side has it easier. Just have to respect each other as much as possible - IF possible.