Flexible vs Fixed contact

[mmrred]

DH has a very fixed defined contact order. It's very fixed because due to her mental health issues, ex has a very chaotic life and used to constantly change contact arrangements.

We are going away in a few weeks and have let her know that contact can't happen, but due to recent health problems, DSS has missed a few weekends so DH asked if she would consider changing the contact, rather than DSS having to miss it.

Ex has replied with a letter that says she will allow the swap if DH agrees (and signs a statement for 'evidence') to swap any contact that coincides with any family celebration. She has about 18 dates in mind.

Just wanted to get feedback to see what other people thought.

Flexible contact is always a tricky matter ... especially if the relationship between the parents isn't amicable. I certainly wouldn't sign a blank cheque for the ex to switch contact however she pleases.

My ex and his new wife are absolutely chaotic, and any flexibility so far has led to disaster! Needless to say, I got very little in return, because my requests just never fit into their busy lifestyle.

It's ridiculous that arranging to see your own child has to be like this isn't it?

It does make sense, if she knows of all the dates when she'd like her son with her, and is offering alternatives to agree them all now, then you both know exactly where you stand.

We used to try to get all the holiday dates agreed at the start of each year - mostly so that we could plan when we were going away, when dh or I had to take leave etc, but we also figured that there would be one argument (as there always was) instead of an argument prior to each school holiday. It never worked though as she would refuse to agree or discuss anything, but we always tried.

Long term it will be much better for all of you if you can be flexible, so I guess if yo u are asking her to be then you need to be too.

The health issue is my DH's health, mrsjammi - first swine flu (which we didn't want to expose DSS to unecessarily) and then pneumonia which landed him in hospital for over a week and left him very poorly.

We've been through the sickness of child excuses but since the last court order, miraculously, DSS's health has improved almost beyond recognition!

We've said that whilst DH can't agree to a 'blank cheque' (good phrase)he's happy to consider any specific swaps provided that there is a sensible amount of notice and she asks - as she's just started making DSS ring to ask for changes which we don't feel is appropriate.

I'm just relieved that people didn't think we were being mean.

We have sort of "flexible" and "fixed" contact. Flexible in that it varies week to week and is only decided a month in advance as H works shifts which change weekly and we notify her when we have his rosta sorted. But the fixed part I suppose is that it is planned a month in advance. She would be open to change if we proposed it though and we would her, it comes down to relationship between the two families I think. Ours is quite good (considering).

Hope you sort it out mmrred. It doesn't sound like you are being unreasonable or mean.