Help - hate my step son

[Boop81]

Hi,
I've been looking at some of the posts on here and was inspired to ask you for some advice. I'm having real problems coping with my feelings towards my step son. I've been with my partner for about 18 months. We married quickly - 10 months into the relationship. Quick I know, but I've known this man and his son for years. I'm really close with his family, having been on holiday with them etc for many years. I got on fine with my step son before we were together, and even when we first got married, but now I'm having real problems. I hate weekends, I hate him coming here to stay. He's always questioning everything, butting into conversations and generaly being annoying. I've spoken to my other half about this and he just says to tell him off, but I really want to smack him, which I would never do, but it bothers me that the urge is there. He's not particulary untidy, he can be disrepectful at times, but I suppose that's normal for any 11 year old. I've tried everything to bond with him, taking him out for the day, playing games with him, but I just don't want to be around him any more. My husband works nights, so sleeps on a Sunday afternoon, which leaves me with him. I find anything and everything to distance myself from him. I know that he's not stupid and has probably picked up on the fact that I don't like him, which leaves me feeling so ashamed of myself for feeling like this. I just don't know where to go next. I can't stand him hugging me or trying to sit next to me. He makes my flesh crawl. This is really hard to admit, but I hate him. I even took a job at weekends so I wouldn't have to be at home. That jobs finished now, so I'm back at home at weekends, and I dread them. Has anyone got any ideas as to how I can change my thinking about this? I've tried talking to my other half, but he just doesn't get it.
Thanks in advance for any advice!!

[WakeyCakey45]

If I ever doubted the fact that there are some posters on MN who trawl the stepparenting board looking for posts that vindicate their own negative view of stepparents, this thread is it.

It's been resurrected several times as a zombie thread over the last 5 years.

Haven't people got better things to do that wade back through pages of posts (or search for the term "hate my step son")? Does it make people feel better when they find a post that vindicates their firm belief that stepparents hate their stepchildren?

There is no possible, justifiable "reason" for resurrecting a zombie thread just to say how shocked and appalled you are by the contents, is there?

[Choccie1234]

I know this is an old post but I was so relieved to read it as I have a 10 year old stepson and feel exactly the same way about him. I think people expect you to accept someone else's child and for some it isn't possible. You can't help who you fall in love with but sometimes the associated baggage of kids and exes just make it impossible to go forward. I admire the person who admits their feelings instead of bottling them up. My partner knows how I feel and loves me anyway as we consider the relationship between us to be us, and him and his son are something different. I'd never interfere in that but it doesn't need to involve me.

[MascaraAndConverse]

Choccie It is very difficult. Much better to get your feelings off your chest though than let them consume you though.

[Wdigin2this]

At the risk of looking like a Zombie Reserecter, I'd like to address Choccie's point. You're right, just because you fall in love with a man, doesn't necessarily mean you fall in love with ANY of his family. I've tried hard over the years to distance myself from DH's grown DC, because I just don't like or agree with the way he parents them, consequently, I don't particularly like the people they've become! That is not to say I dislike them as such, but they're attitude to DH I find difficult to tolerate, and so I have drifted as much out of their lives as possible! I appreciate that's not so easy when DSC are young, but you can choose how much time you actually spend in their company, plan other things etc....hard maybe, but doable!

[sparkycus]

Zombie thread ..

But something I've got to say ..
Not all children are innocent poor souls who want only to be loved .

Some are evil little shits .

My daughter has brain damage . Caused by a child punching her in the head when she was a baby .

He was 4 .
She was newborn and I had left the room for 5 minutes and found him punching her .

So if you've a gut feeling about a kid listen to it . If it's a step kid leave the relationship .

[Wdigin2this]

No not all kids are angels far from it, and naturally you will hold hard feelings against the 4 year old who hurt your child....I would too!
But, it's the bad parenting, and OMG, there are some stupid, careless, useless and clueless parenting practices out there, which causes the resentment, jealousy and bad feeling which end in situations such as described here!
Parents, especially NR, need to grow up and accept that parenting your child is not about being top in the best Dad/Mum competition, it's doing the right thing for the child and the rest of the family....and bloody YES, you do sometimes have to be the bad guy!

[Molly333]

Well done you for hving the courage to say how you feel , I commend you wholeheartedly ! Surely we are supposed to be honest with how we feel on here to get help/ support not attacked . After all you are a person in your own right it's not all about the kids x

[SoupDragon]

THREAD IS FROM 2009

[Kelliann1984]

Please don't judge me, I just want help and advice.

I am a mum to 2 boys (13 and 3). My partner has a son from a previous who is 11. The 3 year old is mine and my partners.

So this is about my step son. 6 and a half years I have been with my partner and for the first 6 months it was dating and introducing the 2 older boys.
We took things slow as we needed to know that it was going to work. We fell in love and decided that we could start making further plans ect......

however very quickly I began to realise that this boy wasn't quiet what I had thought. He was rude, threw full on tantrums when he couldn't get his own way, kits out kicks, and has his dad wrapped around
His little finger (my partner gave in for an easy life and because he felt like a weeeknd dad.
Now fast forward 6 years and he's no better, we have him every weekend and come Friday morning I get in a bad mood because I know he is coming, my house gets treat like a junk yard, he has no respect and genuinely makes me ill.

He still throws tantrums like a
3 year old, he swears at us, screams around he house and scares me 3 year old.

This weekend he raised his fist to our 3 year old and was so angry and wanted to hit him. He then phones his mum screaming down the phone that he's going to smash our house up and says his dad has hit him (not true), he tells nasty lies, his behaviour isn't any better and myself and my partner have spoken about living apart. (Which is still in discussion).

He kicked me in the tummy while I was pregnant and picked a brick up from
The garden and threatened to throw it in my face (because I told him he couldn't play out after hurling abuse at me).

I feel so sad and lonely, I try so hard to be a good step parent, he comes on holiday abroad with us every year and every single year he spoils it.
After this year I have refused to go on holiday again. It got too much, my partner needed up bed bound for a few days due to being extremely poorly, and all he did was demand and call us horrible names, tells his dad to F off and calls me a stupid bi**h.

His mum is a crazy woman, And causes my partner a great deal of stress, very demanding and spits her dummy out when he won't do as she wants, so it results in her saying 'you won't see your son', truth be told she would be doing me a favour.

I try to support my partner but now I hate him coming, I hate weekends and I have to look after him every other weekend due to my partners work.

I feel so low and take medication to help me cope, but I'm just not coping very well. I cry all the time and my eldest son hates being round him, so he goes to his nans every weekend to be away from him.

What can I do, I'm
Scared of having another failed relationship and I'm
Scared of my partner having my 3 year old if we do split up and his son harming him.

Please help me

[Devilishpyjamas]

That's very extreme Kelliann (& more of a behaviour problem rather than a specific step parenting problem). Are any outside agencies involved? (CAMHS? SS?) - does he behave like this at school?

[Kelliann1984]

He got referred to CAMHS about 4 years ago, his mother only went to 3 sessions, said they were a waste of time.

Mum and dad think it's just general boy behaviour. But like yourself I also think it's extreme and that's why I have tried to be a good person.

His primary school knew what he was like, he's just gone into first year of high school and everything has been all quiet so far.

I feel like I can't help if no one else thinks nothing is wrong.

I feel so alone with this situation, I've been so see my GP and he just keeps throwing pills at me xx

[Kelliann1984]

SS was involved with his mum due to her being violent towards her ex partner. But she's a good lite, plays the victim.

[Devilishpyjamas]

You need your partner onside and to take the lead with trying to establish boundaries. If you can't establish boundaries it sounds a hopeless situation. Does your partner understand how you feel.

If you do split & have concerns about your youngest child's safety you could raise that as a safeguarding concern - although that would presumably cause a whole heap of problems.

Ideally your partner will understand and start to take the lead. I think you can say you won't look after him anymore (it's not good for him if you can't enforce appropriate boundaries anyway) - so he'll have to come when your partner is available to look after him.

[Devilishpyjamas]

And actually I think your eldest is wise to clear off while he's there - but it's not fair that it's every weekend so again your partner needs to take the lead and/or his visits need to change

[Bauble16]

If I was your DH and this couldn't be resolved I would divorce you. That poor boy. Yes I do feel bad for you as it's bound to be difficult, but the child should come first.

[Kelliann1984]

I've tried to support both mum and Dad, but it gets me no where.

They don't believe Anything is wrong, I treat my step son different to my own children, they all get equally at birthdays, Christmas ect....

My partner also dreads what antics will happen over the weekend, but it is his son, and I could never make him choose.

After this weekend I just hit at all
Time low

[Kelliann1984]

Luckily we're not married. And your right, children come first, so I cannot disagree with you.

I just feel that an innocent 3 year old will suffer if it can't be resolved.

[fallenempires]

Have DM'd you

[AddToBasket]

This is so sad. Poor boy

[Devilishpyjamas]

Kelliann - I think the negative responses are responding to the OP (which was posted in 2009!) rather than your post. You may want to repost it in a new thread? Your situation is completely different.

[Jens303]

Boop81 - I actually know to a certain extent how you feel & am pretty much in the same situation and have no idea how to resolve it.

Currently it's a very very strong consideration to leave & no longer be part of their lives as this may be best for him. I love my other half but feel like the most awful person on earth that I have no feelings what so ever for his child who has been in my life for so long

Constructive help is what we need here rather than the holier than though lectures please

[Debra986]

You are all being so harsh on this lady. I love kids, my mum is a child psychologist and I do have a good understanding of raising kids, mine are 23 and 21. But I have never bonded with my partners eldest. I've tried for 5 years. I've put him to bed, hugged him, kissed him, praised him and played endlessly with him but he have never bonded with him. It's horrendous. Now, I actually dread him coming. From day 1, he missed my partners ex. I was so sympathetic, I felt so sorry for him. But after 5 years of him snearing at me, speaking down to me, only confiding in my partner when I'm not around.... it's so very hard not to feel hurt. Yes, I know I'm the adult, but it's still not easy. He has now, stolen £1000 from his parents accounts, has received no punishment, and I feel is going off the rails. But I am allowed no opinion whatsoever on it. So the resentment grows even more. It's awful. This lady may not be a bad person. Honestly, not all children are easy to bod with, impossible as that may sound 😔

[swingofthings]

You don't owe your partner or their children to bond with them. Of course, it is always better doing so, but you can't make yourself feel something that's not there, so there shouldn't be guilt if you are confident you've really tried everything to like them.

However, they deserve to be respected, and by that, I mean respect that they might be brought by their parents differently to how you would bring them up. I understand that it is hard to be witness to behaviour so strongly disagree with and feel hopeless to act on it, but to you cannot force a parent to act towards them in a way to please you when they don't agree with it.

Whether to stay in the relationship or go at this stage depends on many factors. I think it is possible to detach yourself and still be happy without being involved, but it takes a certain mental process to be able to get there. Otherwise, I agree with Debra, if all that is left is resentment, it's never going to work.

[JanuaryMoods]

The "child" discussed here is 18 now. It's a zombie thread,

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Argh I just read this thread all over again - we need a zombie notice at the TOP of the threads!

I generally feel that the step parents threads tend to be really extreme and unpleasant... but I think that may well be based on reading this same damn thread over and over again as it keeps getting resurrected!

I'm sorry, I know I'm adding to the zombie that will not die...