Very Difficult..Please don't flame me :( Also v v long..So get a coffee :)

[StercusAccidit]

Need advice please.
Some background to begin with.

I have a DS aged 11 who has gone to his nans every weekend and every holiday since he was a year old, unless he wanted to stay at home. I am happy with these arrangements, he always has been, and i have to admit i feel spoilt PIL's have been there for my DS and me where his dad has not.
Now i have a new baby DS2 with my DP.
He has 2 DC's, a boy and a girl, aged 7 and 6. I absolutely adore them tbh, they are very hard work (IMO due to their upbringing..long story) They live with his sister who has taken over the 'mum' role.
Since i gave birth to DS2 (he is nearly 10 weeks old) we have had the kids every weekend..bar the first weekend after he was born, on a friday..i use the term WE very lightly..in fact, it is me that takes on responsibility for them, feeding, trips out and about ect. I find it very hard. He doesn't really do anything with them if he isn't at work on a weekend, if he is, obv i have sole responsibility for them.
This is where i start to sound mean. I would never let on, but i have started (since having more contact) to dislike DSD
It doesn't help that i feel as if i've been forced into having them every weekend..DSS is ok, he has his moments..but DSD is an awful child at times.
My DS1 was poorly this weekend, i didn't want to send him to his nans, he had the day off school too..but SIL had a moody when i said i couldn't have the DSC's as their mum had let them down, she was supposed to have them, for mothers day, but she is a selfish cow who sees them as and when it is convinient to her. (She left three kids with their respective fathers to pursue a relationship with a man who didn't want to look after other people's kids, and now has another three with him)

Anyway, guilt ridden, i said i would have them, also DP had said "We'll have them then" angrily after finding out his ex had let them down. I didn't mind at all, but it was awkward explaining to DS's nan that although he was poorly, would she have him, as i need his room for DSC's to stay in.
Anyway.
On the trip back (i had to collect them friday as DP was working) DSD announced she 'liked coming to my house even though its messy' FFS no more messy than SIL's and i do have a baby to take care of meaning i'm lucky to get anything done
Well i responded by saying maybe she would like to help me tidy up (nicely, not angry or frosty you know, she's only a kid, i thought) And i know as she grows up in a home with older kids and adults she is going to sound adult in her ways sometimes.

DP was working saturday so i took the kids to the park, and shopping. I can't put my finger on a particular instance, but DSD had a bit of an attitude on all day, stropping when i asked her to carry a bag, ect, and tried to steal sweets from tesco's..i was a bit frazzled, so went to my sisters. She was an angel and she also has kids DSC's age so it was nice for them to play and chat.
Basically out all day, yes, i did naff all in the house.
So we get home and feeding baby, DSD says 'I'm soooo hungry i feel like i am going to die'
I replied as soon as i had fed DS i would do some tea, this was at 3pm, they had eaten at my sisters at 2.
4pm ish i asked them what they wanted and started cooking, DP was due back at 7 so thought i would do him something later.
The kids ate their dinner and DSD wandered in and out while i was doing pizza for me and DP (classy ) "Ooo i like pizza" She said, five minutes after i had bleedin asked them if they wanted pizza for tea So, i popped one in the oven for them to share as well. Popping into the living room to check on DS2, DSD sitting on sofa, DSS watching a film, DSS walked across the room with DS2 and plopped him onto DSD's lap, saying, you passed him to me, i don't want to hold him. Neither do i she said..and raised her elbow so DS went between her and the back of the sofa.
well overprotective mum i am not but i did say not to pick DS up again and went back into the kitchen, for like, 2 minutes. DS was on the floor on his mat.
Then i hear a strangled screaming sound (you know, when they have REALLY got hurt) and come in to see whats going on. DS is bright red, with a lump like an egg on the side of his head. "I stepped over him and accidentally kicked him" she said, but the look on her face said 'i booted him, what you going to do about it?' Well no proof so i said, please be a little more careful, walk round him not over him.

I asked the kids to get into their pj's ready, DSD says, i can't wear mine, i poo'd in them.
Arrrghhhhhhhh.
Ok, she's six. Not a problem, so i whack them in the washer grumbling to myself about telling me sooner blah blah.
DP walks in, we sit down for tea, the kids pick all the bits off the top of their pizza and leave the rest. "Waste of money" is all DP has to say, aimed at me, of course. Well he wasn't there dealing with the puppy eyes and 'ooo i love pizza can i have some' was he?
The kids have a shower. DSD leaves the room looking like a bombs hit it.. remember the messy house comment.. towel on the floor, shampoo bottle on the floor with a great big puddle of shampoo next to it, i ask DSS to get his pj's on and get ignored. DP asks where DSD's are in a way which makes it sound as if i have left her out or something I tell him they are in the wash. "Couldn't have done them earlier then, no?" what a tosser!

Grrr.
Xbox goes on, i sit down to feed DS.
9 30 ish stuff is washed and dried, i give DSD her pj's.
Towels all over floor. Go into kitchen to wash up from tea, DP asks why the kids aren't in bed (yes he turned away from the xbox for THAT long!!!) "Because they didnt want to listen to me when i asked them, and DSS won't look for his pj bottoms." i replied. Then i asked him to find DSS's pj bottoms off the pile of ironing. He huffed and puffed like it was a great effort or something, so i said, don't bother, i'll do it.
So DP turns off his xbox in a huff and says "just because i don't jump when you ask me to for fucks sake"
DP sends kids to bed, they ask me if they can watch a dvd, i say no because its too late, cue dirty looks off them both and i distinctly hear DSD say as they go up the stairs.. "she's nasty"

Then they watched one anyway.

DP sits on the sofa while i pick up towels and clothes and i give him an evil look for not helping which prompts him to ask, "Why are you pissed off. Is it because MY kids left towels on the floor?"

He always does that when he gets defensive. They're HIS kids till they need feeding or caring for, when it comes to discipline ect they are HIS. If he assumes i am being horrible or unfair in some way to them, they're HIS. If i 'interfere' with their upbringing, they're HIS.

I told him no, i was pissed off because he doesn't help out and was stuck to his xbox as usual.
Then he went off in a huff to bed.
I stayed up ironing until 2 in the morning

Anyway..sunday morning. I get up with DS, i didn't expect a lie in with a baby lol
Kids breakfast done, I waited for DP to get up, in the nd the kids went and woke him around ten after i had said not to. Tch. Still, they did me a favour really, had mothers day card and a lovely present, then a cuppa i nearly passed out through disbelief lololol
Dinnertime and i just knocked up bacon sarnies cos really i couldn't be arsed..Dp helped me to do this bless him and we chatted and i was, honestly, having a lovely morning. DP and DSD cleaned the car while i was in the garden, and DSS was on the Wii. Came in from the garden to find DSD in the living room poking DS in the face.
By now i was TRULY pissed and not willing to put up with this any more and trying to respond nicely.
So i told her to get her hands off him and leave him alone unless i or DP is in the room. I was stern but i didn't shout.

Then we went out to visit DP's mum, ex MIL, and sister to give them mothers' day presents.

All i heard all day was 'ex ex ex' i was sick of her fucking name. I copped the flak when DP was angry about her not having the kids, him stomping round the house in a mood and shouting at me..then i had a re run on sunday.

When DS was 5 weeks old DSD had to go to hospital because she had some viral infection that brought her legs up in big bruise type spots.
DP asked me if i wanted to go, i couldn't because of the baby. When discussing it with ex MIL he made out that i had said i just didn't want to go, and that i had 'chucked the phone at him in a mood'
Correction: He had left phone downstairs where he couldn't hear it, and i had taken it up to him with a curt 'your phone is ringing' when i had come in from my sisters after 3 days with no sleep because of the baby crying and him being a bastard and arguing with me/criticising me at every given opportunity.

Well, for a quiet life, i didn't say anything, so ex MIL and her partner both looked at me like a bag of crap.

Absolutely fuming, i waited until the kids were home and me and DP were on the way back before i raised it. He accepted that that must have been the way it seemed.
As we approached home the conversation turned to the kids being poorly and him having PR, he said he has it as the SS sorted it all out at the time the kids were left with him.
I said, .. "Well its a good job you have because, touch wood, if the kids were ill, if you didn't have PR you might not be able to give permission for so and so"
He replied "You said that wrong, you should have said 'God forbid one of the kids were ill'...."
FFS!!
He knew what i meant, and this is what i said to him.
So he gets out of the car at home calling me a 'fucking moron' obv i am not impressed with this and tell him he shouldn't be calling me names and slamming car doors in front of DS2. He ignores me and goes on his xbox until late when i'm in bed. So poof went the idea that i would actually, for the first time in 8 years, have a nice mothers day without argument or incident.

I know its not the kids fault, and i probably sound whiny and unreasonable. I know DP is an arsehole.

Is it always this hard? Will i always be treated like shit and be unappreciated
Just feeling atm like its just not worth the hassle and would be better off as a single parent and away from all that shit.

Thanks for listening anyway ...

Thanks SPB

I did bring things similar up with SIL but her response was not to say anything because how it was with his exp is that the kids suddenly landed on her and they were apparently really naughty, which i have to admit i don't get, as they know i wouldn't stand for misbehaviour.
Their mum dumped DSS at hospital because he was very ill and i think she thought her partner had hurt the child, but it turned out to be appendicitis, from all accounts, the kids have spoken to me about violence between mum and new P, and towards them which made me really angry.
Such as being locked in a cupboard for not wanting to eat a sandwich ffs.. so yes, they are better off away from him and her.

I know they have been through a lot. Don't wish to sound mean but that was then and this is now, obv still affected by what happened, (the kids) but i shouldn't be put through the mill by DP every time exp does something shit.
I suppose i am the only person he could sound off at but then to hear nothing but her name all afternoon on mothers day was too much.

So if i say anything, as SIL said, it was all happy families with his exp until the kids came along and 'ruined it' and she thinks he will have the same impression this time too.. which i can understand. But there are now a lot of people putting DSC's first, and its my responsibility to put mine first, NOT feeling forced to send DS1 to his nans ill because i need his bed for DSC's.

You seem to be doing an enormous amount-I felt exhausted just reading your post! The fault seems to be your DP, he is like an extra DC rather than a support. He needs to change-the DCs seem fine.

how many other posters here are steps?

I'm a step mum and have been since they were 9 and 6. They are now teenagers. I can say I have looked after them on my own when DH has had to work and I feel very strongly that the weekends we were due to have them they still came whether DH was working or not. HOWEVER this was only ever with the full support of DH, our rules applied whether he was in the house or not. He would discipline if it was needed when he got home and there is no way on this planet I would do what you are doing!!!

It is difficult to hear your children be criticised but that is something your partner needs to hear. Your step children are not doing anything really wrong, but you are right to tell the DSD off if she has hurt the baby. You should also be able to this with the full backing of their dad. I feel sorry for them they have had fairly shocking start to life and it sounds as though you do care for them, but it is not your sole responsibility to heal them. Primarily it is their fathers and your role should be to support him in this, not do it all for him!

Thank you all..you have been very supportive

Was worried to death i'd be flamed cos it was a bit self pitying lol although i don't mean it that way have just read the posts back. Will definately have to raise these as issues within the seperation period as this is time for me to decide what i want and to put my foot up his ass

sorry I didn't mean to imply anything is wrong with it just find it a bit odd. Will yuor new dd do the same at the weekends once she's 1? hope you are ok xx

'how many other posters here are steps? '

I don't see why this is relevant-her DP isn't giving enough support.

Stercus, never mind being self-pitying, you sound like a bloody saint to me!

I'm a stepdaughter and honestly think you are doing FAR too much. You have a 10 week old baby, people (dp in particular) should be looking after YOU not expecting you to keep the world spinning all on your own.

OK, your stepchildren have had/are having a very tough time, understandable that they aren't exactly Pollyanna, but your dp needs his behind kicking from here to next week.

Compo..no nothing wrong flower..i see it as i chose exp unwisely but his parents very wisely

Ds does love to go there they live in the country and have buckets of things for him to do, he's very outdoorsy.. New DS won't be going he's from a different dad..they would have him but tbh its DS1's 'thing' and gives him a break..up until this weekend i have never forced him to go, i feel guilty that he was ill and i should have had him stay and mummied him better ....

Reality..hi flower
Sorry to hear you have been here as well..its bloody hard, and i can't Shake the horrible feelings i have towards DSD DSS is ok, i would have him here any day of the week but she is well.. obstinate and cheeky..but then i think of how i would like my own kids to be treated by a SM and put a smiley face on and don't let on that she gets to me..in fact i go out of my way to be pleasant but straight on that i will take no shit..ie: I will not take your shit but i won't stop loving/liking you..but what a horrid feeling to have about a child to want to slap them or call them cheeky cow which was my first thought with the messy house comment..i have never experienced this before, there is no child i have taken a dislike to.. i hope it is just because of naturally being protective of DS although i am not overprotective if you get what i mean.
I do have that terrible 'i'm wasting my time he will always be a fuckwit' feeling, but believe me, he has tried, and has become easier to talk to, more like a partner than before..but obv due to the past experience, he is protective over the kids, as am i if he seems to be picking at DS1..you just go into protect mode don't you really.
Thing is, now i am in a better position to bring this stuff up and get it dealt with..the month is to decide what i want to do, he knows i am not happy, but i told him all the problems i have are 'fixable' if we work together and if he has respect for me.
At the end of the month, which is FLYING by i don't have to make a yay or nay decision, but let him know the general direction i am heading..
I bloody fitted when he started door slamming and calling me a moron..
But did have a breakthrough, after a fashion.. i said "What would you do if DSD had a DP who spoke to her like 'so and so' ?"
"I would knock him the fuck out"
"Riiiiight. Good answer..NOT..But you speak to me in that way, so are you saying its right? Acceptable?"

Cue silence. Then.. "No, it isn't. I see what you mean. I'm sorry."
"Ok, so i assume some time in your life, you have seen or heard someone talk like that to someone else, where you learnt the behaviour. Would you like your children to grow up talking to/being talked to like that by their DP's?"

Well it gave him something to think about.
I explained although he has had a bad upbringing, he is in control of his life now, and the best thing he could do, and the biggest poke in the eye for the people who he considers abused him emotionally, is to change the way he is, despite what they did, and become a better person.
Its just..having made the break, i have seen that i have put up with a lot. A LOT. And i have decided its very tiring, and i don't want to waste a lifetime 'fixing' someone else. A relationship doesn't have to be, and shouldn't be, this much hard work.
Sadly i think i have admitted to myself its as good as over. Would take a miracle to fix it now.
I have got him to take us out by using bribery over a fake email from OW ffs..this he should just WANT to do, because he loves us and wants us to be happy, not out of guilt or fear i might 'find out'.

And here's another selfish git warning incoming:
Yes, they have had a shit start.
But......
So has my DS1..he has seen and heard me suffer violence at the hands of his dad. He has lost his sister. He has had the upheaval of a new baby, and is approaching adolescence. He has heard the way DP speaks to me also..where is this fair on him?
So it would, in SIL, BIL and DP's opinion, upset the kids greatly to lose 'me'.. guilt-trip-orama.. but i have my own 2 to think about, as well as DD (who adores DP but only because she doesn't know him very well)

I have to decide if this is what i signed up for, and not make a decision out of guilt.
I have mapped out what i am going to say and how.

Thanks very much for your help and support everyone

SA: I think (and if I am wrong please don't take it as an attack or anything, it just means I got mixed up) that you are the one with the truly horrible partner who dragged you all round town when you were post-partum and called you a cunt. ISTR that then it seemed that you were inclined to stay with him because actually you love his kids (your steps) or at least feel they need one adult in their lives who cares about them. The source of all your problems is this revolting man, so please make your separation permanent ASAP but remember that you can and in fact should stay in touch with your skids. The children (his and yours and the one you share) would benefit from staying in touch. Just don't have the man living in your house, bullying you and leeching off you.

No you have the right person

Unfortunately

Do read my older posts and wonder what the FUCK i am doing sometimes

Good god. As another poster said, I feel exhausted just reading your OP. What a horrible situation. This is NOT what you 'signed up for'. No sane person would sign up for this. Probably, you signed up for being a stepmum to two children who had had a rough start, giving them love, care and comfort, with the lead in that respect taken by their father. A totally noble and reasonable thing to sign up to, and to aspire to be. Not this though - this is when being 'the bigger person' crosses the line over into self-destruction. Glad for you that you have separated, because I honestly can't see any way back from this. You'll find a way to keep contact with your stepchildren. Good luck with everything.

Stercus for you. Your dp is a twat.
And 6yo is old enough to understand that you need to be careful around a baby.
I really think you need to have strong words with your dp about parenting HIS kids - he should be the one taking them out and looking after them - not leaving them with you all the time!
First thing I do is get rid of his fecking X-box...

Though I can't cope with reading all the threads again SA am I right in assuming that shithead's other family (his mother, sister etc) are reasonably well-disposed towards you even if they are incapable of making this nasty man take responsiblity for himself and rather enable him to be a shit?
Because if so, you can throw him out of your life (ie allow him access to his child as long as it's supervised access, but have no contact with him yourself) but stay civilly in touch with them so that you can stay in touch with the stepchildren.
THe root of all your trouble is him. You can't fix him because he is not prepared to put any effort into fixing himself. His mother presumably just wrings her hands and says she can't do anything to make him change, and he has it firmly fixed in his head that women exist for his benefit, so he has no interest in changing.
Get rid of him. It will improve your life sooooooo much.

Our situations are not too different (my baby's due in 3 weeks, 2 DCs of my own, 2 DSCs - one lives with us, the other stays, sometimes for weeks in the hols). But, one thing that's hugely different is our partners. It's not perfect for us, but, there's not a chance - no way - I would put up with your situation, brought on by your partner's attitude. I personally found being a single parent to my two OK, actually easier than being with my ex (their dad), and I'd certainly be single again (with 3) rather than live with someone who treats me so badly.

I would say though that it's easier looking after the stepson who lives with me than it is looking after his brother (who's a great kid) as he just visits. If you do stay with your partner, it might be worth considering having all the kids live with you and arranging for them to stay with your partner's family / ex for contact visits.

If your step children do continue to live with your partner's ex's sister or is it her partner's sister? and you have a less significant role, then visits to stay with you and your partner, should be when their dad is not working long days and then on xbox all evening/night.

My partner works shifts - 4 on, 4 off - the working days/nights and the 5th day are practically written off! He also often works weekends. The arrangements for his other son to stay with us are made by him and based on his work schedule, i.e. on his days off or when he can take some leave. I do get the odd day with all four (soon to be five) kids, when I take on primary carer role, and when we're all together as a family, all kids are treated equally. We agree rules beforehand, and all four kids are reminded of them by either of us when required. The kids are all between 5yr and 12yrs old.

Your decision to be single or not:
Your partner should actually assume he is the main carer of your step children when they're at your home, and he has PR. That doesn't mean you just ignore them and concentrate on your two sons, as you need to ensure all kids feel they are treated equally. It just means that your partner should assume responsibility of his kids and give you all the support and guidance you need when he's not there.
If your partner can't be supporive of you or take his own responsibilities seriously, then I think you know what to do - what would you advise a close friend or family member in a similar situation?

Resign yourself to what you've been putting up with seems to me, to be choosing an unhappy life for yourself, needlessly. Why choose that for yourself?! You can be there for your step children and stay in contact no matter what you decide.

It's OK to find yourself going in the wrong direction, it's ok to realise you must have made a bad decision somewhere along the line, but it's not OK to resign yourself to it and stay on a wrong path, a path that makes you feel bad inside.

Thank you ML

I am now prepared for this weekend, thanks ladies

I'm going to be mean .. i don't mind picking them up but just for this weekend i would like to show him what happens when i completely withdraw my slavery support.

I don't know if this is the right course of action. He has already said he won't be working this weekend.. because i told him we need to go and get DSC's new coats and trainers.. his sister keeps bloody telling me what they need so i'm the one with the 'i can't afford to..rant scream rant' backlash when i tell him what they need, she seems almost afraid to tell him.

I blame his bloody mother and father .. he is just like his dad and his mum has always let him get away with his tantrums.

The kids seem to be a responsibility he just doesn't want IMO he would be happy if they lived with their mum and just had contact with him, he is good with our DS, and despite how he is the kids think the sun shines out of his arse, but in retrospect i wonder if it would be the same treatment for our DS if we split, and that is not a nice feeling, i would hope he would find someone like me willing to go the extra mile, so that is what i do for the DSC's.. I don't think he would bother finding someone who is nice to the kids though as long as she panders to him. Its a shame.
I know he doesn't regret the kids, i think he thought he would be in a relationship with his ex forever if they had kids, she left and went off with another man and that was the end of that. He says he wishes he had waited and had all his kids with me he has said that from the beginning, but even more so since i had DS2, and he sees how i am with Ds2 and the DSC's, this just makes it harder to make a stand and appear 'mean'.

Like i said, its not my job to fix him, i have accepted that. He knows he's on wobbly ground, but IMO its like letting a dog crap in your house for 10 years, then suddenly one day getting angry at it for crapping in the house and trying to housetrain it.
Thats the only way to describe it.

SA: Of course he's going to come out with eaningless flattery like he wishes he'd had all his DC with you. He'd still be leaving all the parenting to you, bullying you and expecting to be serviced by you domestically emotionally and sexually anyway. Judge him by his actions, not his words.
ANd don't blame his XP for leaving him. SHe's unlikely to be a bitch, just someone who wised up to what a selfish arse he is and threw him out.

I don't blame her in the slightest for leaving him
He's an arse, true.

I blame her for leaving her kids, having more, and neglecting the ones she already had.. and letting them down over visits ESP on mothers' day

I also get pissed off that she does things and i cop it for whatever she's done..its not her facing the music is it

SA: Just a thought, but do you know she does all these things, or are you just hearing your partner's opinions? Because you already know that he doesn;t like women and doesn't really consider them human beings...

No, i know she does.
I read the letter from when she dumped the kids. It was frighteningly self centred.
I tried to look on her side, maybe he was criticising her parenting and she thought, right, fuck you, lets see how you'd cope.. but no, his sister took over and he suffered not one bit.

DSS confided in me some stories of terrible abuse meted out to him by her DP, and for a 5 yr old child at the time he told me he was fairly bloody graphic.

I am not a violent person but if i ever meet her DP i am going to tear him a new arsehole.

I also had to go and pick the kids up one day because she had them and said she 'couldnt cope' then five minutes after i arrived home, DP showed me her facebook page.. 'Right, no kids, time to party, who's coming to mine for a drinkies???'

When she and DP split, some bloke sent him graphic photo's of him having sex with her while DP was at work.
I believe she was probably the love of his life, and, being hurt by her has made him bitter and THAT is why he hurts me..becaause i can think of no other explaination, but like i say, i don't know the full story, maybe she cheated as revenge for him cheating, i dont know...but i know she used to hit him, as did his ex wife.. she quite proudly told me during an argument she had pushed him down the stairs..this was while i was picking the kids up, and said in front of them.

I can't fucking stand her.
There, IMO, is no excuse for what she's done, or continues to do. Selfish cow.

Sorry about the last post i was tired and grumpy

I think you're entitled to feel grumpy, angry and overwhelmed by all this. You have a hell of a lot to cope with on your own.