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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Power of Attorney over stepkids?

17 replies

KayleighPuff · 12/03/2009 19:18

I'm a stepmother of six years. The kids live with us 50% of the time.

Recently, without cause, the Mother has insisted I do not contact schools... something I've been doing for 5 years - not all the time, of course, just getting updates on their performance and the school calls me when there have been behavioural problems. (My stepson has some issues.)

We're asking a lawyer for advice, but we wondered if my husband could simply give me Power of Attorney for times the kids were here? Can we do that without the Mother's agreement?

Please don't think I'm trying to undercut their mother... I feel rather hurt and bemused by this sudden attack, and would like to have a voice in the discussion?

The Mother has always been hostile to me, but this is a new strategy.

Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

independiente · 12/03/2009 19:46

Is there a particular reason that the performance updates and behavioural issues are discussed by the school with you, rather than your husband (eg. he's away a lot for work)?

independiente · 12/03/2009 19:47

That wasn't to get at you BTW - just trying to understand the picture.

Original poster

KayleighPuff · 12/03/2009 19:50

Yes - it's often down to his being unavailable during school hours. Don't get me wrong, my husband is regularly in touch with them - much more than me.

The mother has not been so involved with the schools over the years.

OP posts:

Original poster

KayleighPuff · 12/03/2009 19:52

I didn't think you were having a go, but thanks for saying so.

OP posts:

independiente · 12/03/2009 20:16

I'm sorry, I'm not very up on the legal possibilities - hopefully another poster will be able to help with that.
Does the hostility between you and the children's mother preclude any discussion at all? If there is a possibility of talking, I would gently try to go down that road first. Her hostility might stem from fear and insecurity about her children's affections, so reassurance from you and your husband might disarm her. From your post, it does sound as if it might be beyond that stage though...

mrsjammi · 12/03/2009 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

KayleighPuff · 13/03/2009 07:07

Thanks for the feedback and support.

We would wish for nothing more than the possibility of a reasoned discussion with the mother, and I don't doubt that many of her responses stem from fear and insecurity -DSS is a year away from leaving to University. She is having to redefine herself at this stage of her life.

Sadly, DH and her have never been able to have a discussion - even an email discussion - that didn't end up as an argument. :-( She is still very angry with DH even though she left their marriage. DH did instigate 'separation counselling' when the marriage first ended, but she opted out.

They have shared care of the children 'by mutual agreement' - not very helpful when there is no agreement.

OP posts:

independiente · 13/03/2009 09:53

Sorry I can't be of more help. You seem like a very caring stepmother. I hope you find a way to resolve this.

RubyBelle · 17/03/2009 12:03

hi im sure if you went to court you could apply for PR as the children have being living with you for over 3 years even though its not full time just put on the form that you would like pr incase when your caring for the children if there was an accident or anything you would need PR as makes things loads easier with the schools im sure you would get it my husband is in the process of getting PR for my 3 years old she has lived with him since she was about 1 it makes things easier for you and the kids the mother and father still have PR so everyone is happy xx

Original poster

KayleighPuff · 19/03/2009 08:00

Thanks RubyBelle.

Husband and I have discussed. We think the kids - at 15 and 17 this year - know their own minds. He talked to them, and they are finding their mum's behaviour strange at the moment.

Clearly, there are larger issues - this isn't about me. Husband is talking with the kids - we need to support them. Were they younger, we'd certainly be pursuing legal support.

Can I add: I was nervous, as a Stepmother, of posting here - perhaps unfairly. But I am bowled over by your support.

Thank you.

OP posts:

nightshade · 19/03/2009 08:32

if your husband was already married to the mother of the children and is on the birth certificate, then he already has parental responsibility.

that however does not extend to you.

i don't see that seeing a lawyer will give you anything more than you have?

mother is not refusing you contact and is not stopping father from getting updates from school.

it seems to me that the easiest option is for father to maintain links with school, however unfair that may seem to you.

unfortunately, it is unlikely that you will be able to secure pr of the children, not without mother's consent any way.

RubyBelle · 19/03/2009 10:53

i didnt relise that the children were that ld and like you say its all about them and you and your husband are supporting. I am sure that if the kids didnt object to you having PR you would get it but like you said at this stage the kids can decide for themselfs
My ex has never agreed to anything i have asked him about my 3 year old he is very hostile towards my husband but is happy for him to feed cloth and put a roof above her head people need to learn to give and take good luck k xxx

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 19/03/2009 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

yerblurt · 19/03/2009 16:27

You would not be very likely to get PR if you made an application to Court.

Mum and dad have PR - so why would (in the Court's view) dads partner need to have it.

You would need the permission from the ex to have PR and somehow I don't think she is going to agree!

In this situation there really isn't a lot you can do - if the ex is going to contact school and insist that, as you don't have PR, that they should not be discussing matters with you and only with dad (who has PR) then I'm afraid there isn't a lot you can do. Maybe the school can just put everything in writing (concerns etc), then at least you would be able to recieve information that way?

Funnily enough, under the Education Act, the definition of "parent" includes a biological parent, a carer. So you could, for the purposes of the Education Act, be classified as a "parent", however, if the ante is getting pushed up by the ex it would probably be sensible for you to take a step back, let dad sort this out and the children too, but be supportive in the background.

There is a time to pick your battles and this isn't one of them. In the long run you will win but the schools, quite rightly, do not wish to be in the middle of disagreeing parents. If they have to follow the letter of the law and only deal with parents with PR then they will

Surfermum · 20/03/2009 10:26

If it's been OK for the past 5 years I can see how that it annoying and is leaving you wondering what has changed. And it probably feels personal. But it sounds like there is something going on for her and you are bearing the brunt of some of it, like us stepmums do!

I agree with yerblurt, this isn't a battle to be taken on and it's probably best to step back and just think "fine, I was only ever trying to be helpful but it's your choice".

What's your dh's take on it?

Original poster

KayleighPuff · 21/03/2009 09:16

Thanks for all the feedback - yes, that's wise advice re: choosing one's battles!

My DH is as mystified as I am re: why she's doing this now.

There is clearly something going on, as she's emailed twice this week:

one email saying she will have to change the visitation plan for August, as SS needs driving lessons.

one saying that she wants SS to live with her fulltime from Easter until his exams are over...

Sigh. She says that since he lived with us for six months, fulltime, last year... we owe her this time. Sadly, the reason he had to live with us fulltime was that he drank himself into a coma while he was on her watch. It turned out he was very depressed, he and his mother and sister were fighting all the time and he felt lonely and abandoned when she worked late (all his words). She was at her wits end with him and was grateful for our intervention. We have that in writing.

Clearly she is out to cause disruption.

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 29/03/2009 16:30

I think it sounds like she is feeling guilty and taking it out on you. Just bear with it - let this one go - the kids are old enough to make their own minds up where they want to be so just give it time.

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