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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How much do your family involve dsc? long sorry

24 replies

mum2jakeyroo · 22/11/2008 21:04

Dss is 7 and we have 3 ds's. Anyway for a while now we have felt that my parents are not very accepting of him when family get together at birthdays etc. They are very quick to jump on him when there is a disagreement etc cos 'he should know better'. and comments like 'well you have your family now too' - he is our family!! But it is now getting to the point that we want to arrange things to avoid these confrontations eg Xmas. Just wondered whether your parents accept and involve your dsc or am I expecting too much?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Anna8888 · 22/11/2008 21:07

My parents bend over backwards to make my DSSs feel welcome in their home, never forget their birthdays etc. I am the one who tries to not impose them too much on aging parents...

hester · 22/11/2008 21:09

Oh, how awful for him and you. I'm not in this position, so just sticking my nose in, but my brother has two stepchildren and I see them as fully part of my family. It is inexcusable to do anything else.

hester · 22/11/2008 21:10

What I mean is, your parents are entitled to their feelings, but they should TREAT your dss as fully part of the family.

SammyK · 22/11/2008 21:15

Aaw your poor dss, and you! You sound really considerate of his feelings, hopefully he sees you areas you side with him in these situations (I'm sure you do).

My mum (have cut dad ou of my lfe), has always been really welcoming of my two step sons, as have my two sisters, we now have a son together, but dss are both always still invited to BBQs and family parties, even if the host knows it may not be a day they are at our house with us, they are always invited.

I think you need to point out to these relatives that your dss is part of the family, preferably with dss there, and make a point of it so they know you will not accept any hostlity towards him.

Original poster

mum2jakeyroo · 22/11/2008 21:15

When I first met dp they did bend over backwards but this has happened since having our own dc. It is my mums birthday next weekend and a meal has been planned for ages. At the time when the meal was being planned we never worked out if it was dp's weekend to have dss - I didn't think it mattered tbh. Anyway yesterday dm asked what was happening next weekend as it was dp's weekend - to which I asked if he was not invited. She never really answered - just said that they didn't have the room. (We are meant to be stopping over). Am
i expecting too much expecting us to all go as a family?

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 22/11/2008 21:21

I don't expect my DSSs to be involved in all family occasions - that would be too much to ask. They have their own maternal family which they do many things with.

I think that if you didn't give your parents a lot of advance warning then you can't really expect them to include stepgrandchildren as a matter of course.

piscesmoon · 22/11/2008 21:27

I think they have to to treat him equally, he is part of your family and any invitation should be extended to him. I should make this perfectly clear to them.

Original poster

mum2jakeyroo · 22/11/2008 21:32

Thank you - just wanted to vent and get other opinions before I say anything. Dp has said he will stay home with dss but I am not travelling an hour away on my own with 3dc and feel that although it may cause an argument with dp's we should stick together.

OP posts:

Original poster

mum2jakeyroo · 22/11/2008 21:42

So if they don't want dss to go to meal would you go without dss or not go at all

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 22/11/2008 21:47

I should simply tell her that you have dss that weekend and if he can't go there is no possibility of the rest of his family going. They can't treat him as some sort of optional extra!

fourkidsmum · 23/11/2008 12:55

everybody or nobody

piscesmoon · 23/11/2008 13:00

I should sit down with them at some point when everyone is calm and relaxed and tell them that you have four children and that it is very hurtful to treat one as less equal than the others.

justunaccomplishedmummy · 23/11/2008 15:49

My family have always made my DSD very welcome. She gets presents off them for birthdays and christmas. My mum has taken her to town to buy her stuff when she was younger. It may be because I've been with DH since she was 2 so they've seen her grow up. She actually gets far more off my family than she does from DH's family.

jrsqueak · 23/11/2008 21:32

I have been with dp since he was 2 so they have seen him grow up - they were really good with him before our dc arrived iyswim. They do buy him presents but its just this birthday situation as if she presumed we wouldn't be having him as we were having a family meal.

jrsqueak · 23/11/2008 21:37

sorry that was me the op - have namechanged

Hassled · 23/11/2008 21:48

I'm with piscesmoon - your family seem to be behaving pretty badly towards someone who is still a very young child. And you sound lovely

Slightly different, but I had 2 DCs when I met DH. We've since had 2 more DCs together. DH's parents, who are as mad as a box of frogs, have nevertheless always treated all four children the same. I know they love their grandchildren more, of course, but they have treated my older ones with equal fairness and they have always been welcomed and included in any family gathering. And that's exactly how it should be.

mycatis · 25/11/2008 16:31

when we told my soon to be DH's mum that we were getting married, the first thing she did was cuddle my son and say "oh I'm going to be your step-granny" thats how all children should be welcomed into families

Blinglovin · 25/11/2008 16:38

Definitely, all or nothing. A friend of mine's brother and his wife were considering seperating. And one of the big issues for his family, including his brother (my friend) and his parents, was that his DSS might not be allowed to come to visit at the same time as his DS. It was a real issue as they all see him as intrinsically part of the family.

Happily, they are trying to make it work and it's looking quite good now so the issue hasn't raised it's head.

jrsqueak · 26/11/2008 09:53

Thanks everyone, I am going to take the bull by the horns so to speak at some point today.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 26/11/2008 10:03

I don't have any dsc's but I suppose DD1 would be DH's DSD.

His family treat her as their own. Even after DD2 was born there was no difference in the way they were treat.

SIL even bought DD1 a gift from her holiday before she had even met her because she knew that I had been helping DH look after her DD and DS.

I also found out later that before me and DH got serious sil sat him down and explained that if things got serious and DD1 got to know him he needed to be aware that he was commiting to her for life and that if things went wrong between me and him he would still need to be a part of DDs life because you cannot walk out on children like you can relationships.

DD1 looks at him as a father and sil as her aunty mil her nana etc and they think of her the same as they do DD2. I don't think I could have stayed with DH had it been any other way. DD1 is aware that DH is not her natural father and now wants him to adopt her because she wants the same name as him and DD2 and a 'special bit of paper with Daddy's name like DD2'. His family are supportive of that also but DD1 does not see and has never met her natural father.

I'd definately have a word with your family about this.

2rebecca · 26/11/2008 22:46

My family don't treat my stepkids like my kids, but then husband 2 and I got together when his kids were older and they don't stay with us that often and my parents live some distance away. If we have any of husbands kids with us though they go where we go just like my kids. My relatives have never refused to put them up. They don't tend to get such big presents at xmas etc as my kids, but then my parents aren't their grandparents, they have 2 sets of grandparents of their own and I don't expect husband's parents to get my kids the same sort of presents as they give his kids as they aren't my kids grandparents. The nuclear family picture just doesn't fit us. I think if husband's kids lived with us things would be different.

shopaholicJen · 28/02/2009 19:12

I am a dsd, and i have always felt very accepted by my sm's family. they give me presents for birthday and christmas. From the younger family members there have been some questions about my mum, and why i call my sm by her name, but other than that it has been fine.
Sorry, but your family is being unreasonable and harsh, your dss is one seve.

shopaholicJen · 28/02/2009 19:13

i meant only seven. sorry

terrier141 · 06/05/2009 14:07

Just wanted to add my story - I have 2dsc's and whilst my family treat them exactly the same as my 2dc's, its not quite the same story the other way round. What I mean is - most of my dh's family treat MY dc's the samd as DH's dc's (my dsc's - very confusing all these abbreviations!), however my SIL refuses to even acknowledge my dc's and this I find really hurtful. I believe that when you become one family that everyone becomes equal - I am aware that the children (my own and my dsc's) all have other families too, but biology should not make one child more loved than another.

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