Paying for extras, outside of maintenance payments, what do others do?

[slightlycrumpled]

What do others do about paying for school trips etc and other things over and above the monthly amount already paid?

We are finding it increasingly difficult to pay all of the extras at the moment, DH recieved an email yesterday asking for another £200 towards a school trip for one of his sons. The problem is that if he lived with us we would probably have said he wasn't to go as we simply cannot afford it, but (again!) the decision has been made by his mother but then asks us for at least three quarters of the money.

On the same email she was asking what we would be doing about buying his older son a car. I'm just tired of it, as DH has always paid a fair amount, always on time, and has never let his children down yet is always made to look like the bad guy.

I should point out I do love my step sons very much and have a very good relationship with them. The money issue is another matter altogether.

The mum sounds quite out of order tbh. If she was spending that much on a trip she should have consulted your dh first, and not just lumped it on him, and that is coming from a mum with full custody!

imo if mother agrees to trip without asking your dp then she cannot demand money for it. car is your dp's and your choice.

Why isn't the son buying his own car btw?

Hey slightlycrumpled, I don't think you should get as involved in this as there will always be the "wicked stepmother" theory bandied about unfortunately.

Of course, your dh should pay a fair amount, on time and not let his kids down - you wouldn't have picked him otherwise right?
Your dh and the boys' mum have to work this out, presumably they have done so to date if one of the boys is of driving age. Does Dh want the kids to go on school trips; was he consulted about it when the decision was made? Would he be making a stand in principle so to speak?

If the boys'mum doesn't consult or isn't expected to consult about these things,then that has to be addressed. Will she be making a contribution to the trip or car? Does it matter whether she does or not?

I spose as in a lot of things this is not only about money but respect and power. She may hate having to ask for money (or not) and your dh has the power to say yea or nay.

We have the same problems. My DSDs mother agreed to her going on a school trip abroad earlier this year without consulting DP and then asked DP to pay half. It was a lot of money for us to find and seemed unfair as we are unable to afford to go abroad ourselves on family holidays.

I don't know what the answer is other than to refuse - DP has never refused, but he hasn't been asked to buy a car yet!

I have suggested that he starts up a savings account which will mean he can give his daughter a small lump sum towards car/property etc once she reaches a certain age.

Maybe you could have a kitty where each parent contributes an amount of money each year and extras come out of this.

I work on the basis that I treat dd and dsd the same. Whatever I would pay for for dd I will do the same for dsd. Similarly, if we can't afford things for dd nor can we for dsd.

If the money isn't there it isn't there, and she shouldn't be expecting you to cough up without asking you first. That's very rude.

Dh pays a small amount of maintenance (he only works part time) but we help pay for school trips when we can, school uniform, shoes, clothes etc..

I only help with trips if they are educational, sometimes we go halfs with there mother.

The eldest wanted to go on evry school trip but we had to explain that if we pay for him to go it would be unfair as we may not be able to afford to sent the other 2 when it was their turn to go IYKWIM.

Dh's eldest leeves school next year and plans on doing nothing but wan't us to help his mother buy him a scooter/bike , dh and i have said no, i wouldn't mind helping if he was staying on at scool of getting a job. (if we could)

what surfermem said

We pay a set agreed monthly amount, but nothing additional. DSDs DM hasn't asked for extras yet. But in anticipation as she gets older, we have started putting a monthly amount aside as a bucket for these type of things so that they are not a shock and there is no grumbling about it. But we would expect DSDs DM to pay 50% of the cost her end.

If it isn't used, then DSD can have the bucket when she is older for some help toward Uni or toward a wedding fund etc.

We certainly wouldn't be buying her a car, even if her DM was putting in for it. If the child wants a car, then she shall buy her own, as her DF and I and I'm sure her DM did.

We pay set amount weekly; plus obvious bday/xmas, plus once a year £100 for school uniform/shoes (for dss)

He is only 7 so hasnt been asked on big school trips yet - but it will be a 50/50 thing - whatever i think of her, she is always fair on the 50/50 thing on bigger costs he has had before (they moved and he needed a new carpet) etc

Totally agree with if there isnt money for that for your children, then your SC are no different.

oh and we pay all fuel costs for seeing him (he lives 300 miles away)

I don't think I treat our children any differently but to be fair they are a lot younger so £80 trainers haven't yet been an issue!

When I met DH the things I liked about him were his commitment to his children. He has always paid more than the CSA calculator works out and didn't reduce any payments for having our own children.

If I am completely honest I think DH and his ex wife are trying to sustain a lifestyle for their children that they can simply not afford. Had they stayed together then there is little doubt that these luxuries would have been easily affordable, however they didn't remain together so life sometimes has to change.

I have known these children since they were little and I hate saying no to them, but I also believe their parents are doing little to help them in the future if they get everything they desire so easily.

I actually have a better relationship with ex wife than DH does but will not be getting directly involved, although I will be making it perfectly clear to DH that sometimes enough is enough.

exh pays maintenance for our children at the rate the csa would set, and i pay for schooltrips, uniform, holidays, bikes, music lessons etc etc...surely that is what the maintenance is for?????

there are occasionally exceptions to this - i ask him for half the cost of birthday parties if he attends, and don't if he doesn't, and for residential school trips he generally offers to pay half.

he earns a lot and i earn very little, but he pays his maintenance on time without fail, and i don't see why he should be expected him to pay more and more money into my household.

fourkidsmum you sound lovely!

slightlycrumpled, fwiw so do you!

i also have dss, who i adore...just thinking about him! and my situation as second wife is v smilar to yours...almost exactly the same in every way that you speak about.

dp is the kindest, most generous man in the world, and the most devoted father (and step father) i have ever met...we sometimes laugh about the fact that there are 'givers' and 'takers' in this world and we are both the former. so we are poorer than our exes, but in love with and happy with each other, and setting all our children the best example that we are able :D

Oh that is what we say. We laugh that despite him earning quite a lot of money that we will always be broke. No cosey little cottage in France for us! we will however never be short of somewhere to go for Christmas!

I just feel for him if he is made to look as though he doesn't provide properly for his children over this. He is a good man and a great dad to all of the children.

i guess on this occasion you will have to provide the £200, but maybe see if it is possible to lay down some ground rules for the future?

i think when the time comes (and it's a few year off yet) we will expect both sets of respective parents (that is us and each ex) to chip in half for cars. at least i hope that's the way it will be...my guess is that if it isn't that way, it will be dp and i financing everyones' transport

the car issue isn't so much about maintenance, i don't think. surely it should about grown up children asking both their parents if they would be kind enough to consider helping them to buy a car.

can i join this? in same situation. dh pays a very high level of maintance to ex. This was fine when we first met because i earnt decent wage so could support dh aswell as myself. Now we have a child and i had no option but to go back to work full time. (on less money than before now as was made redundant from previous job)
dh doesnt want to rock boat with the stepkids and reduce maintance. We also have paid 100% for holidays for 2 daughters and a new bed for son in last 12 months. dh is up to OD limit and my savings are going fast.

so in answer to your question. we pay up and generally far more than half...

Hi madeindevon2

i think it's fantastic to have other people joining in - i find it interesting to get a grip on what other people do...what is the norm.

maybe there is no norm? i have been quite surprised to discover that it seems to be fairly generalized that first wives expect regular payments of more money over and above the maintenance payments ...like the csa say 'mr so and so, you should pay such and such amount for your dc(s), plus of course whatever else your exw askes for.' (i should say i have had no dealing with the csa, but am pretty sure this is not the case!)

seriously though, it is useful to hear what other people do - sometimes just for one's own sanity! but there seems to be a danger that loads of people start shouting 'first wives are money grabbing and manipulative'...and 'second wives are money grabbing and manipulative'. the potential for this scares me because i am both first and second wife, mummy and step-mum, so am surely in danger of being accused of being doubley money grabbing and manipulative!!

actually i don't think i am either - and i am sure that there are plenty of all types of wife that are both! but i think it is dangerous to generalize...

and in a funny way i feel like i've made a couple of 'friends' on this thread

I ask my xh for more money on several occasions. He regularly pays the amount set by the CSA but I do not find this enough money.

I am a single parent with no partner, only working part-time, less than 16 hours so do not qualify for WTC, and am trying to change career to work in a school so I do not have to rely on other people to look after my children in term time etc. In the short term I am really struggling financially but will be fine long term and would like to think he agrees with my decision to do what I believe is the best for the children.

With what little I earn, CTC, CB and maintenance I have to pay for rent (do not get any help), heating, food, insurance, car, school trips, swimming lessons, music lessons (lessons agreed by exh), nursery bill, entertainment for the children, presents, birthdays etc etc... my maintenance has to cover all those things... in a way not just things for the children unfortunately... but obviously the children have to have a roof over their heads, heating, food etc as well so it's not just paying to keep me.

I don't agree with these ex wives that 'try it on' and are complete bitches but I don't also agree that maintenance should only be spent on 'niceties' for the children unless you are financially able to do so...surely maintenance should cover a portion of ALL costs?

I wish I was financially able to totally provide for my children... long term I will be able to but for now I appreciate the extras from my xh as I feel the children would have to go without all the time. I hate having to ask for more but I couldn't manage otherwise and it is a real struggle getting extra money out of him sometimes... he pleads poverty lots of the time and then I see things like a Tag Heuer watch on his wrist which makes me angry and sad....

I guess there's no real answer is there...both wives and stepwives are in the wrong depending on individual experiences aren't they....

there isn't an answer is there? i think that is why it can be useful to see the range of arrangements that people have.

I guess, in reality, the answer to what is 'right' is whatever all parties can agree on! but then problems arise when circumstances change - new babies, different jobs, new partners etc - and one or other parties is not happy to change the arrangements...

the working out of the finances is so thorny and continues for such a long time, and it can hold so many hidden horrors - guilt, leverage, revenge and god knows what else!

hehe i dream of having so much money that maintenance could be spent on niceties :D or even of the day that my exh earns so much money that the maintenance actually pays for all (or half of all iyswim) the necessities - mortgage, bills, insurance, car, clothes etc. sadly i think he's less inclined to work so hard now that such a big proportion of his salary disappears at the beginning of every month but, in reality, even though i expect him to support his children, and appreciate the fact that he lives up to that expectation, i don't blame him if he feels a bit that way.

i think i feel quite strongly that as longs as he meets his obligations, he should feel that he can get on with his post-divorce life without feeling that i am a weight around his neck. i certainly hope that second wife never sees me as the wicked first one! and because i rarely ask him for extras, even though that does mean we sometimes struggle and the children don't enjoy the standard of living they did when we were together, he tends not to quibble on those rare occasions. and for that reason i am fairly confident that if, say, the washing machine broke (actually it did last week ) i could go to him and ask him to lend me £300 so i could wash the kids clothes and he would. and i would pay him back as soon as i could.

and exhs with a taste for fancy watches need to pull their sleeves down before they claim poverty!

but what if my...pride...efforts to do 'the right thing'...not sure exactly what actually...are actually doing dcs a disservice because life would be easier, they'd have more nice things, and i'd be less of a frazzled mum if i expected him to provide more for them...maybe more on a practical level too?

...thorny!

tallie That sounds like a very difficult situation for you, it is I think sometimes an impossible situation.

I don't think of his ex wife as money grabbing but I do think she expects too much from him. For us the requests for extras are continual and without let up. Whether it's for bus fares for school, every school trip, extra curicular activities etc. There is no let up and I'm tired of it. We have just paid £800 for one school trip abroad and it seems more are on there way.

We do not claim poverty just that sometimes it is difficult to pay for expensive extras, surely it's like that for lots of families at the moment anyway.

I equally hold dh responsible for not being able to say no to the boys as I do there mum.

But it is impossible really, as all of our children do (and should) pull on our heart strings and when you add guilt into the equation of divorced parents it's even harder I'm sure to say no.

We have paid the £200 today, oh well more on the overdraft.

slightlycrumpled, your sentence 'she expects too much from him' really strikes a chord with me.

my experience of that is to feel that dp is giving all we can (and more) and that i feel hurt that it's simply expected rather than being requested then gratefully received as generosity rather than a simple right. it feels so disrespectful to someone who gives so much (in every way, not just financially). it makes me sad

i'm glad you posted that because i got a bit confused there - couldn't work out exactly why i approach things the way i do for a minute. but you reminded me - it's because i try to give everyone respect.

please don't think for a minute i was suggesting you were claiming poverty? that never ocurred to me. nor am i

also i do think that maintenence is meant to cover day to day expenses, including bus fairs, normal school trips, school meals, clothes. however i don't think it's unreasonable for non-resident parents to contribute to one off things, if they are able, if that makes treats accessible to their dcs. equally i think that exps should be left with enough of the money they earn to live their own lives, and to support their second (or third maybe...) families as well. for the record i am not in any way suggesting they should not support their first families in favour of subsequent ones - what a can of worms that would be!

equally i think each to their own - it just seems rare to find that all parties are truly happy with the arrangements

exh hated me when he was married to me, but i suspect even he knows he's not doing too badly being divorced from me!!!