Paying for extras, outside of maintenance payments, what do others do?

[slightlycrumpled]

What do others do about paying for school trips etc and other things over and above the monthly amount already paid?

We are finding it increasingly difficult to pay all of the extras at the moment, DH recieved an email yesterday asking for another £200 towards a school trip for one of his sons. The problem is that if he lived with us we would probably have said he wasn't to go as we simply cannot afford it, but (again!) the decision has been made by his mother but then asks us for at least three quarters of the money.

On the same email she was asking what we would be doing about buying his older son a car. I'm just tired of it, as DH has always paid a fair amount, always on time, and has never let his children down yet is always made to look like the bad guy.

I should point out I do love my step sons very much and have a very good relationship with them. The money issue is another matter altogether.

Yes, your right fourkidsmum it is actually about respect, for him as a parent and sadly I don't think he gets it. He gets to have no input on what trips etc they get to go on just a request for the money. It would be lovely to actually read the letters from the school so we can perhaps 'buy' into the trip in a different way as well.

I think that really more than the money that is my gripe. I hate seeing him so downtrodden by her because she can make it sound as though money = love.

With regard to trips we had said one big shcool trip (abroad) each. It's now one every year and we cannot keep up.

DS2 has lots of health issues and special needs and I had to give up my job to care for him. I now work on a self employed basis and this time of year is hard I suppose.

Do you know you sound like the nicest person to be divorced from!!

Ahh modern families eh? Still I was destined to live in a noisy chaotic household and despite the financial hiccups I love it.

slightlycrumpled, i wish you lived next door to me - for mutual-cup-of-coffee-support

you know, (i'm sure you do, so forgive me for teaching my grandmother to suck eggs) lots of school now send letters home both on paper, but also with the option to get them by email as well. and if the school sends them by email they are generally happy to send to more than one address. it might be worth checking this out...

i absolutely echo your last sentence

I think in an ideal world you would pay 50% each but those costs would have been agreed up front. I dont take maintenance from dd father as i have always managed without it and am lucky to have a dp who wants to support his family. He also has another child to support. But if dd does something special i will say to dp that dd will be doing and if he wants to contribute that would be great. He usually does. As our finances have changed I will have to ask for maintenance now.

I do think that my situation is not the norm and if i needed money i would expect him to pay. I do think that if you settle with a man who already has children you have to accept the consequences of that arrangement. Just as my if may never have children of his own as he has accepted the financial consequences of settling with a woman who already has children.

I do think though that the exw should't just agree to expensive school trips without consulting the op's dh, if she expects him to contribute. My ex did sometimes pay towards extra things, but I never expected it, and didn't agree to anything I wouldn't have been able to pay for myself (taking maintnance payments into account).

And £800 for one school trip abroad (is that half the total amount) is ridiculous! We had a family holiday for less than that.

It is completely unreasonable for your SC's mother to commit to paying for things and then to present your DH/their father with the bill.

Your DH should refuse to pay anything that has not previously been negotiated.

My DSSs' mother used to commit to nights away for work and then tell us which extra nights we would be having the boys.

This went on for a long time and my DP had a great deal of difficulty getting through to her that we were not a babysitting service at her complete and utter disposal at all times. But thankfully that is all in the past now

Nice idea Anna, but totally impractical in RL.

My dh's ex has always behaved in this way - she signs the childrenup for something, or says they can do it, and then gets them to ask for dh's contribution.

It has been going on for so long that even the children see it as reasonable behaviour. in the early days, if dh didn't pay, then she withheld contact (he has been to court 3 times over this, amongst other issues).

now the childrn are totally subscribed to the idea that dh "should" pay for what they want. So if he doesn't,they feel extremely put out, and usually start listing things that our dc have had bought (like new shoes ffs!)

she thrives on "if we were together you could go on this trip, so your dad can pay for it" - emotional blackmail in the extreme.

I think she's completely unreasonable.

You hit the nail on the head when you say that if the child lived with you, you'd probably say no to the trip. In that case, why on earth should you pay for it now? ESPECIALLY as she didn't agree it with your DH prior to telling the child he could go.

I would make any decision on what extras I paid for based on what I would pay for if the child lived with me and was my own and as you said, you would have said no.

You say that DH pays maintenance and this is all he needs to pay. If he agrees any extras at all, it's exactly that, extra, and not a right.

I would refuse to pay.

I never ask my ex for anything extra. I pay for all their school trips etc and if I can't afford it, they don't go.

None of them appear to have suffered at all and I have lots of children from 3 months to 18 yeears old.

Oh I'm confusing myself now. We have over the last eight or so years always paid for extras, at least half and often more. I guess what I am getting at for us is that if at some point we do not have the money then the children (or young adults as they are now) should be told I'm sorry we cannot afford for you to go.

The £800 was 75% of a total bill. Next years school trip is to America! We have planned for this and dh was invited to numerous meetings at shcool and we have paid in installments.

I really don't dislike his ex wife and I can sympathise that is hard, however we all have a very similar standard of living. She also lives with her partner in a nice house, nice car etc.

Thank you for all the replies, it's actually really good to hear how other people do it, it's so easy to become very insular with these situations and I think thats when bitterness sets in.

fourkidsmum I wish we were next door too. I bet we could sort it all between us. Would be very noisy though!

I pay 100% of everything for all 5 children as they father chooses to pay for nothing. I know I earn more but even so it's not how most absent fathers are. As for what ought to be paid - presumably what would have ben paid for had you stayed together assuming there is the money post separation and also depending on who earns most and also what has been agreed in terms of who pays what. The fairest system when you both work full time is each have the children half the week and each pay 50% of all costs.

my DH pays over CSA amount eACH MONTH for DSD, we also have her every weekend and half all hoildays and pay her mum an extra £15 to meet us half way each week.
When DSD comes to us she has everything she needs so her mum does not have to send clothes etc, we buy school shoes and pay half to her uniform costs every september.
Apart from that we dont pay extra. We do send clothes home that she gets from birthdays etc and give DSD spending money if she goes away but would not pay half towards trips TBH.
DSDs mum has tried to get us to contribute to DSDs birthday parties and also when DSD got baptised but we refused on the grounds it was not what DH wanted at all (he is not religious) and was purely to get DSD into a school her mother wanted (we were happy with local school!) That did cause a bit of a problem but we sorted it. We have also told DSDs mum that this year DSD will not have the extra presents we have been sending to her house at christmas (we have her every other year and usually send extras so she gets 2 lots!) that did not go down well as we realised DSDs mum relied on what we get DSD but we simply cannot afford to get DSD 2 lots of presents so she will only have one load which she will open boxing day at ours!

silverfrog - just because something has been going on for a long time doesn't make it reasonable or worth continuing

I know that people are posting in the context of a thread but it is very sad to see children seen or described as a financial burden.

seeing children as a financial burden would be very sad, and it is unfortunate that there are a great many non-resident parents who do seem to think of their children that way. and, in fact, resident parents that feel that way - thinking that they do the caring so the absent parent should do the financial providing.

i haven't read back through the posts on here, but feel strongly that the people posting haven't fallen into either of those camps.

this thread has been about financial commitment and responsibilty - of both resident and non-resident parents. indeed it has been predominantly about sensible adults recognising their responsibilties as carers and providers, and accepting the challenges that can bring. amongst the million other challenges posed by being a parent

Tbh some of the posts did come across that way to me, but maybe that is because I never have financial conversations with anyone about dd as I pay for everything. As I said everynow and again I might mention to dd father that it would be great if he contributed to something but would rather just pay myself than think of someone working how much my dd cost.

i guess that an awful lot of people don't discuss this stuff because it can be such an emotive subject, for the reason you have given amongst others.

tbh i haven't had this conversation with anyone before either (except dp and exh obv), and have found it really useful to get some sort of guage of what other people do.

to hear people being reasonable is lovely

and to hear what people - who seem to be reasonable in their approach - do about things like everyday and extraordinary extra costs, and how they approach what can be a very thorny subject is useful. i think. helps you keep a grip on the rest of the world! helps you keep a grip...

twinset I really don't see my step children as a financial burden or any other kind of burden actually. I love them dearly, have known them for over eight years and I'm glad they are part of my life.

I mentioned the monthly maintenance we pay in the first post simply to explain that DH isn't irresponsible or unreasonable. I don't think he deserves any kind of praise for doing this either, they are his children and of course he should provide for them.

This for us will blow over untill next time, there has been no argument with ex wife as we have paid, (and actually this time cannot afford it)and it would be unfair to say no to them when their mum has said yes.

I would liken it to people that have posted on Christmas threads etc talking about not being able to afford the same as last year and dealing with that. IME it is harder to deal with a lack of money for luxuries with the children when the parents are no longer together.

I understand that slightlycrumpled and I did ackowledge that people were answering within the context of the thread.

I just feel very uncomfortable discussing a child and money, have general issues about money actually. For those reasons(amongst others) I have chosen not to take maintenance from my dd father. If he wants to contribute something that is fine, but I really am not interested in saying to him I think you should give me this much money for our child.

I also recognise that every penny my dd father gives me to is a penny less he can give his son. I do think he should not have had the child as it was clear he could not afford the child he has, but that child exists and I do not want the poverty of another child on my conscience.

But I recognise not everyone has the financial ability to do this.

But I do agree it is a complete minefield, another reason I have chosen to sidestep the whole issue.

My dd has a much higher standard of living than her stepbrother, if I were to take maintenance from her father I could see that his current partner ( well actually his latest ex as they are no longer together) would feel hard done by as she was handing over money to go on horse riding and dancing while they were in a tiny damp flat.

Can I join in here? Before I start, I will say that I love my stepchildren to bits and do not and never have seen them as a financial burden.

My DH pays over his CSA payments each month (as he should). DH's ex, has never worked (legally), has been done for benefit fraud before but still works illegally part time cash in hand, whilst claiming full benefits (but thats for another thread)! She has her rent paid for, does not pay council tax and has her bills subsidised, yet she is constantly emailing DH asking him for extra money for school uniforms, trainers, shoes, school trips (we paid £125 half towards a London trip last year that she booked before asking us for). We took the kids to Florida and she didn't even buy them any new clothes or give them any spending money, they came with an Asda carrier bag of ill fitting, tatty clothes that we ended up leaving at our house and then buying them a whole suitcase of clothing on top of the cost of the holiday. We struggle to make ends meet as it is and have even put off having a child / adopting a child I so desperately want (I have none of my own and am thought to be infertile) because we just wouldn't be able to afford the extra cost. Althought DH and I would never see the children go without anything, her constant pleading poverty is driving us insane. She smokes, drinks heavily, dumps the kids off with whoever every weekend so she can go out or surf the internet chatting to guys, goes on holiday abroad at least once a year (she has never once taken the kids away), is always buying herself new clothes, shoes, plasma TV, laptop computer etc. then spends £300 - £400 each on the three kids for Christmas when we struggle to afford around £100 each!

She never tells us about things that are going on with the children at school and we were told we couldn't even go to DSS's school play last year because she was going with her boyfriend!

The thing that gets to me the most, is that if DH ever tries to say that he cannot afford a new pair of trainers, shoes etc. this month, then she tells the kids that "Daddy doesn't love them enough to buy them the things they need" or that "Daddy can afford things for him and his wife, but not for them, so he must love his wife more than you". When DH said he would have to pay for the school trip monthly as he couldn't afford £125 in one go, she just said "oh forget it I will just tell DSS that Daddy says he is not allowed to go on his trip" It is so hurtful and upsetting that we just end up going further and further into debt because we do not want the kids to think we dont love them or care about them and we certainly dont want them to go without.

I know that not all ex wives / partners are like this, but our situation makes things very difficult for us and it seems we cannot do right for doing wrong. At the end of the day, we both love the children very very much, they are our top priority and we will never see them go without, but we are only human and dont have a bottomless pit of money unfortunately, so we have to be realistic. What good would we be to the children if we lost our house because we couldn't keep up the mortgage repayments?

IME you have to put your foot down with people like this or else they keep taking the p!55!

twinsetandpearls,

actually i suspect my exh would rather be divorced from you than from me!