dealing with feelings of being a step-parent

[valentine5]

hi everyone,i have posted a few messages on the board today as this is my first time i have used the site properly,i was just wondering if anyone had any advice on dealing with being a step-parent, i find it so hard sometimes and i wanted some views on how to deal with the emotions and resentment you sometimes feel, does it get better over time? xx

God u guys what a blessed relief to know I'm not the only 'evil one' out there! It's so good to be able to offload these feelings somewhere. Know totally what you mean squirrel3 about other 'stuff'. Things can be soo complicated sometimes I feel I just cant be bothered with it all and would rather go it alone! DO YOU EVER WANT TO SCREAM?

I think everyone on this site can probably identify with what has been said. I know that I have felt and thought things that I never for one moment thought I was capable of. The thing that I have found I've had to accept and learn to deal with is that unfortunately there are some area of my relationship and life that are out of my control. We just have to deal with them as best we can and however we do this doesn't mean that we are bad people it just means that we are doing the best we can and I think we all deserve a pat on the back

Really intersting to read so many different viewpoints on step-parenting. We recently married and live with DW's 3 children (16, 11 & 8), and not having lived with children before it has taken some serious getting used to.

Nelli29 I really like your 'doing the best we can' thought. Generally we all get on really well, but sometimes things erupt and on one occasion (I knew it would come!) our 11 yr old uttered the immortal words "stop trying to be my dad!"

It is hard to know whether to behave as a parent (have to try to do that in my opinion), or to be more of a 'friend'. I have very good relationships with all 3 - with the 16 yr old it is more of a friendship I think (I wouldn't usually tell her off - and don't actually need to!).

At our wedding DW said a bit in her speech which really brought a tear to my eye - about how the boys couldn't grow up with a better role model in their lives than me.

I suppose that has to be my main objective - not to replace their dad but to provide them with a loving family environment and to be a good role model for them as they grow up (both things that they haven't had much of before).

Hi Valentine - I find being a stepmum one of the hardest things I've done, but not without its rewards. The challenges we face are all different - I'd thought through the implications of taking on stepkids but completed underestimated the effect the ex-wife would have. I found the book StepMotherhood - how to survive without feeling frustrated, left out or wicked useful. Don't underestimate the challenge you are taking on and give yourself credit for what you've achieved (I found I focussed on the negatives and needed to step back and realise how well we had done in difficult circumstances for all). Its a particularly intersting learning curve if you haven't had children before!

hi looptheloop,thanks for your thoughts what you say is so right,i tend to concentrate on the negative things rather than the positive things with our situation, im goin to try my hardest to be positive as i dont want it to destroy my relationship with my partner.do you think its easier if you have children of your own? xx

Hi all, So many messages on this thread hit a chord with me. Valentine5, I think it does get easier if you have children of your own (not that I am saying that is a single excuse to have one of course) I think a lot of my problem with skids is that they have NOT been brought up the way I would bring my kids up. I dont have any of my own but if I did, I would be more disciplined with them than my DP is. He lets them get away with murder. They are rude, ungrateful and have no manners. Not once have I ever given the 2 youngest children a present or a meal or a drink etc etc and had them say thank you. Once I refused to let the SD have a new toy we had bought her until she said please (she just said give me my toy) and I said I would not give it to her until she was polite and said please. She just screamed the car down and DP said I was being too harsh, but in my opinion manners dont cost anything and go a long way. If I give them a bar of chocolate they just snatch it off me and DP never says "say thank you" so they just keep on doing it. They have also recently got into a habit of sticking the middle finger up and I cant tolerate that (they are only 8 and 6). They think its hilarious and so does their Dad, but I think it is just plain rude. Afterall, if they think it is ok to do that to their nan (which they do) then what if they think it is ok to do it to their teacher? As for the oldest boy, well he is just a typical teenager and totally lazy. I spend my whole time just cooking for him, washing clothes for him and picking up after him. He goes to bed at 2am and doesnt get up until 2pm which I think is rude when he has come to visit his dad, but I guess hes just a typical teenager! God its so infuriating. Am I just being really petty? DP thinks I am over reacting and doesn't see anything wrong in anything they do. Its the guilt thing again I think, "I only see them once a month and I dont want to make their stay unpleasant in case they dont want to come back"! But what about making the visit "unpleasant" for me in my own home? God now who sounds like the Evil Stepmum?

Know exeactly where you're coming from sadsam. I think it's a miracle we don't end up on a murder wrap sometimes! As for cooking and washing for the teenager, I wouldn't do it, either he does it or dp!

Hi Mambamum, yes your right, although if I dont cook the meals then we will all starve lol!

Sounds like your dp needs to be a bit more supportive of you. Make him cook for you and HIS kids for change - you need a break babe! I'm working myself up to the annual visit of the eldest 2 skids during the school hols - God think I'm gonna disappear for the week (if only).

I've come to the conclusion that being a stepmum can be an impossible task. You give so much and make so many compromises for the sake of the children. But at the end of the day they're not yours, you don't have the same maternal instinct and you get less rewards in terms of the relationship with them than their actual parents. Before I get shot down - that is a glass half empty day. It can feel like you're drowning and losing your own identity. So you try and put forward your needs, but end up feeling guilty and wicked. What a balancing act hey? No wonder we fall off the rope sometimes. See you in jail sometime Mambamum!

Mmm jail sounds like a haven of tranquility to me, think I'll book my cell for a week during summer hols!!! Well I did say I wanted to disappear, care to join us sadsam - you get your meals cooked and your laundry done, probably free gym membership and you can learn a knew skill! Actually it's sounding better and better!

Could we make that jail for four please?

I'll bring a bottle (is that allowed?) Suspect we might end up with a whole wing of us! Party on!

I'm warmig to the idea....there are plenty of places I could hide a bottle!!

Does anyone else out there have problems with aggravating ex partners? PS See you all at the party in Holloway!

Do I? It turns my stomach with anxiety just thinking about the fact that she might call.

Ok, just read that again...no not with ex partners just my dh's ex. But thats kind of obvious I suppose.

Mambamum, I have loads of problems with DPs ex. She just refuses to let go of him I think. Every time the phone rings I dread that it might be her, phoning up to have a go at him, jelouse comments about us, what we have together etc. However, I am very fortunate in the fact that DP hates her guts and would never go back with her if she were the last woman on earth!

I have a ss I love dearly. Just like to say, it doesn't have to be hell. dp and I don't have the ideal relationship, ex also rather odd, but ss is a lovely son I'm proud of. I never had any expectations in terms of affection/gratitude, or in terms of what a s-family 'should' be like, and I think that's helped us become friends. It's not an straightforward relationship, granted, but I would be there for him anytime, with dp or without. He also loves his brother ds despite 12 year age gap. These children are NOT responsible for the baggage from the prior relationship nor for difficulties within the current one. They are people in their own right.

DH's ex hates me. Not that she's ever spoken to me (other than shouting abuse) or tried to get to know me! She told dh that she would never speak to me as I'd married him. And no, I didn't break them up, and she had ended the relationship with dh to be with someone else. The worst thing she ever said to me was that she was going to curse me and hope that my baby was born deformed.

what an appalling thing to say and how very lacking in dignity to behave in that way

I just smirked and said "now I know what dh saw in you". The irony was completely lost on her and I got told to f off! Funnily enough, I just felt really sorry for her. For a mother of 4 to say that to another woman was awful, but I just thought it spoke volumes about how incredibly unhappy and angry she must be.

Wild is completely correct - its not their fault. But sometimes it is just so hard. I love my stepkids and they're great - but taking them on (despite some hicups) has been a walk in the park compared to the ex-from-hell! Horrible confession but sometimes I even end up resenting the children as they mean I can't exclude someone as toxic as the ex from my life. Interestingly enough, I read a poll on people who had taken on stepkids. Most of them had anticipated the challenges of the children, few had realised what a nightmare the ex-factor would present! I'll get off my personal bandwagon now !

Seems like many of us have so much in common in what we are going through. Yes wild you are totally right, it's not the poor skids fault but as looptheloop says it's so hard not to let poisonous ex factor affect the way you react to the skids. I'm convinced my dh's expartner is mentally ill in some way, the child is simply a tool in her mission to extort money from dh (over £60k so far)! The phone calls and texts are incessant - I cringe when I hear it ring. Having said that I do also feel dh is sometimes so gullible and often falls for her scams. She apparently has a history of seeing men off! I've never had any problem with the exwife (mother of the eldest 2 skids)thank god the only thing I do think it's a shame that she has kept them too tightly tied to the apron strings (but hey hardly a heinous crime). Even so it's always difficult when they've not been brought up to your standards and ways.

Hello all, I am new & have a real on experience as a step mom that I am still going through and how I changed everything to go my way or the highway. I met this Navy guy who had met a bar maid in the phillipines and the only job she could do was prostitution. Well my now Husband now got this one night stand pregnant as it was claimed to be and he married her giving the ex a life. My Husband later brought her two ilegitimate daughter children to America and altogether he had now the first daughter, a son and his two step daughters. Well she married him for 8 years and continued to do her old habits and destroyed the marriage, was found by the state to be an unfit parent and lost the four children to my husband. I went through hell with the ex she kept bad mouthing me to the children every chance. I was told by my husbands mom that the first night stand child was really not her sons. I wondered why the children did not look like brother and sister. Well after our 4th year of marriage I managed to have my husband give the two daughters one not his biologically and one that is suppose to be his back to there mom. We bought a new home and I have her son and daughter out of the four children with us. The two children want to stay with us and the other two are following unfortunately in their mothers past back ground. She told the children we gave back to her because they are 13 & 15 they dont have to listen to me or talk to me. My husband said he is hurt and I told him he can either divorce me and have your past back or let the children grow up and realize on there own if the choices they made was right. All these children did when I came on board was ask for all name brand items, ask for money, cry and yell with tandrums, etc. I made them continue to cry and force my husband to ignore them. The poor children did not know how to brush there teeth, take care of there hygiene, keep up there rooms, etc. The mom had bought all there clothes from the second hand store and put all in boxes. The place was filthy and I had my husband win the custody case because I took that home apart and cleaned and organized everything. The mother thought and remembered how she left the house and sent CPS on us, well the CPS was impressed on how well kept the house was, how settled the children was, how I taught these children manners, etc. How my life came down crashing was when my husbands mom (mother inlaw) wanted to live with us & I wasnt aware she had a history of ruining her sons marriages (as I am the third wife) we took her in and she made life miserable. We lost the two girls his so called daughter without my dna testing to prove otherwise and his step daughter back to there own mom. His daughter did tell me my mom wants me because she wants money and I told her I knew that so we are now paying for one child sending out monthly payments. The children are brain washed not to see us, so what did I do, I stopped the two other children from seeing her. The mother who kept moving houses with different boyfriends found a retired handicapped military man who has a house and two cars. He let her move in with her two children. I figured I would try to be nice because this ex still believes I took her man away. I sent a letter with her 16 year old child saying I will have her 11 year old son visit her by bus with the sister every weekend. She told her children you dont have to listen to me she is not your real mom. I have grown children of my own from a previous marriage I ended because my ex was on drugs. I never lost my children and my children were always full of love. These step children have greed in there minds because they watched how the mother got things in the marriage. Well to cut the story short the mother refused to allow the son to learn the bus system so I ended all contact. I am in my new house because we sold the old home where she was last with my husband. Maybe when her son is 15 we can try again. The son will be 12 this year so I have two years to go. His son has that ADD symtoms and I have yet to have him checked. His anger is bad and this child cant finish anything from start to finish. I only wished these children would have visited there mom or this whole problem didnt have to happen like this because I dont have the time alone with my husband. This ex always cancelled visitation in the beginning and always thought about herself. I tried to end this marriage more than once and my husband begged me not to. Its really hard with this type of life having to teach and give greedy children love. Its one of the hardest and biggist task a person has to go through. These children will never dis respect me because I put my foot down. Every child should do chores and if they dont take something they like away and have them earn in if they want it back. This works for me all the time. I am the parent step or not and I am the boss. No one is to ask for anything, make a list of the things you want and if I feel you earned it you will receive it. The father agrees with me if he wants me the main person in this home happy this is how it will be. You dont do your room or chores, I will do it and you get grounded by reading books. No tv, no music, no playing outside. This gets them all the time. When they do whats required they get rewarded. My life has been a breeze since I bought a plane ticket, sent my motherinlaw home, moved to our new home after selling the old home and did not give the ex wife our new address. We are at piece. No more free babysitting while she goes out. Hey I need to go out I deserve it.