dealing with feelings of being a step-parent

[valentine5]

hi everyone,i have posted a few messages on the board today as this is my first time i have used the site properly,i was just wondering if anyone had any advice on dealing with being a step-parent, i find it so hard sometimes and i wanted some views on how to deal with the emotions and resentment you sometimes feel, does it get better over time? xx

It can get better over time but it has also helped me to look at the root causes of how I feel.
As they say, "you can't embrace a threat" and if you (as I did) feel threatened in some way by your sd/s then it can all get very difficult.

It was explained to me that my relationship with my step children is basically a reflection of my relationship with my dp. I used to feel that "last in, first out" applied and when sd was around, I needed to be in the background as she was the most important person and I would sort of "wait" for dp to "come back" to me when she had gone. Does that sound familiar? The best way to deal with it really was to throw myself in and not wish things to be different. THIS HAS BEEN VERY HARD. Theory is easy of course.

That's just one aspect. There is a lot to this as it is a very, very complex dynamic. You are dealing with all sorts of people, and a lot of stuff that took place before you were even around. Not easy.

Welcome to MN though. I have found the step=parenting section really, really helpful and there is a lot of really good advice on here. Hope you get the support you want and deserve

PS Have you got any children of your own?

thanks beansprout,what you just described is how i feel to a tee! when sd comes to stay with us i feel i have to concentrate on her and i try to stay out of the picture.its true what you say, theres no point in wishing it would be different because it never will be ,but its just so hard to try and detach yourself from the sick feelings you have when the ex calls or special occassions like xmas that i tend to dread.i dont have any children of my own do you think i would see things differently if i had a child of my own? xx

V5 - I still find it very hard nearly 5 years on. I made a huge effort to get to know my dh's ex and this has really helped (every situation differs I know). I did find it easier once I had my ds because up until then I always an 'idea' of how children should behave. Many of things I expected from my ss I now know were unrealistic.
Sorry this is probably of know help at all but I do know how you feel

My feelings have changed (along with everything else!!!) since ds was born 4 months ago, although it's probably as simple as being so busy I don't have time to dwell on this stuff!! It's certainly not the reason to have children but it has changed things.
How old are your step children? Is the standard every-other-weekend sort of arrangement?

thanks cranberry ,it is a great help just to know there are people out there who feel the same and im not just a selfish step-mum i feel i want children of my own but i dont know whether the reason i want a child now is because of what he has with his ex(and im really jelous) or whether i have just found the right person and want to have children with him,its so confusing when your emotions are everywhere i just wonder whether i would want kids now if he dident already have a child xx

i have one step daughter who is 6 years old and she stays every fri and sat night,i work shifts and my partner works nights so its hard to have her as much as he would like xx

V5 - having a child to "even things out" probably won't work. Your step child(ren) will still be there and so will most of the feelings you have now. We had ds for the usual reasons people have children, not because of dp's past.

Do you have any time with just you and her? Is this something you could do? It really helped me. I started to get to know this individual instead of just experiencing the horrible triangle!!

yeah your probably right, in fact if im honest i know your right, having a baby is definatley not going to solve things thats why i came to this site to see if i could try and make sense of all these feelings and deal with them as best i can and so far you have been really helpful i do appreciate it so much

i think that would be a great idea i just feel arkward when im with her on my own does that sound weird?

Hi Valentine and welcome to mumsnet. You'll be fine now you've found us!! I'm a step-mum too to a 9 year old and I have a dd of 21m too. We see her every 3 weeks for the weekend. We had dd because we really wanted our own child. I really can't say I was jealous of his x or him having a child with her because I know that he didn't love her, and he hadn't wanted a child with her (she got pregnant deliberately), but I don't want to take anything away from how you're feeling, I think it's entirely normal.

I would agree with the advice about doing things with her to get to know her. I used to do a lot of painting and making things with dsd, and now she likes baking, putting on make up and we have discos in her bedroom! She often tells her dad to clear off as it's girl's stuff.

It's a tough job being a step-mum and quite often a thankless task. Take a look as some of the old threads as I'm sure you'll find some other good advice there... and once again welcome.

Valentine5

Welcome to mumsnet!!! I found this site a few months ago and its been my saviour! Absolutely everything you have said so far is entirely normal. These situations are very very hard! I have been with my dh for nearly 2 years and have a sd who is 6 (4 when we met) There is some great advice from everyone on my first thread ' I'm struggling as my new role.....' which may help you.

I had so many mixed feelings about my dh ex and sd, and found it so hard to deal with. But if its any help to you after many postings on here and alot of hard work things have eased and I can deal with things better now although have had to accept it will never be easy! I used to hate myself for how I felt and couldn't understand why I felt the way I did and I remember how relieved I felt when someone told me it was ok and what I feelings was ok.

Is there any situation in particular you are finding hard? This is the one place where you can be totally honest so fire away!!!!

hi everyone,thanks for all your advice so far its so nice to hear that this site has helped so many of you and i hope it helps me because sometimes i feel noone really understands untill you do become a ste-parent yourself,when i first met dp i dident expect it to be so hard to come to terms with but it is.i do have a good relationship with sd she is a lovley girl and my partner is very supportive i feel like its all me,i feel like im turning into a horrible person althogh i dont show my feelings towards sd (cos i know none of this is her fault) i tend to take it out o dp bless him! thanks for listening xx

Yes, can totally understand how you feel, I have 2 schildren, and 2 DDs who are ours! They visit us every 4 weeks, and DH goes to see them every 2 weeks.
It took ages for me to accept the whoole situation, at first it was fine, then DD1 was born and I obviously had so much love for her etc, plus the ex is a tough one!! We had lots of harrassment from her which didn't help anyone.
I stayed out of the way when DD1 arrived, as I didn't feel right with them all, like you said, a triangle. I make a real effort now, and they know that it is DH and me.
Things do get easier, but much of it is down to how you see and accept the situation.
Stay on here and you will get tons of support.xx

thanks littlerach,i have got better over time so far but its things like xmas that make me feel horrid,this xmas we had sd from 3pm xmas day and had her overnight xmas night which was great but dp stil insisted on going to his ex's xmas morning to watch sd open her presents which i understand but xmas morning i felt gutted and so alone like i wasnt part of their little family unit,i felt awful feeling like this but i dident let it spoil the day i just bit my lip.i just worry about other special events in the future and hows best to deal with them.xx

Being a step parent is difficult. Dss is 13 and Ive known him since he was 2. We get on really well but its been hard work. I get on quite well with his mum too. But it did take a long time to get things to the level that they are at today and it still needs carefull balancing all round esp now that we have dd (13mnths) and dp is a SAHD.
(Having said all that I was spitting feathers last night as dss downloaded loads of crap onto my computer (toolbars etc) and it took the best part of an hour to get rid of them. Oh boy is he in trouble when I next see him. No computer for him next weekend The joys of being a parent -step or otherwise)

This site is wonderful, I am very new to mumsnet too. Its great to just have a good moan and get things of your chest. Also can I recommend a book called Step motherhood (How to survive without feeling frustrated, left out, or wicked)By Cherie Burns. I stumbled on this book when I was very new to stepmotherhood and found it very helpful it made me realise that the feelings of frustration, inadequacy, resentment and feeling that I was the worst, most wicked stepmother in the world were infact quite normal.

My partner has a daughter aged 17 and a son aged 15 from his previous marriage. I also have a son from my marriage aged 12. We have a daughter of 10 months together. Step son is fine. Comes over every other weekend and gets on very well with my son. Daughter however, is another story. Says she is coming over, and doesnt last minute with poor excuses. Dropped out of 6th form over a year ago and has done nothing since, not even had a job. Very hard to understand her, and my partner is at his wits end. She just seems to want to sit at home all day with her mother! Shame, but he has no relationship with her, altough he has tried best.

V5 I agree with Beansprout. If you can try and spend some time with sd on your own it could help alot as it will give you a chance to develop your own relationship with her and maybe you'll start to see her as less of a threat.

Thank god I've found somewhere to confide my feelings. dh has 3 children 2 from previous marriage and 1 from previous relationship, I have 2 grown children and we have 1 ds together. I find this whole stepmum thing soooo difficult. The eldest 2 from the marriage we dont see too often as they live far away however the youngest from the ex partner lives near so we see more often. We've had so much aggro in the past from the ex partner she has constantly used child as a pawn to get her own way which has left me with some feelings I can hardly admit to for the poor child. I dont understand why I have these feelings of resentment as I know I should be more grown up but I find it so hard. When we have the stepchildren I cant help keeping my distance even though I know I shouldnt. What a bitch I am. Feel bit better for getting it off my chest though.

hi everyone,thankyou so much for your reply's they have helped so much.have took your advice and am taking my stepdaughter swimming this weekend just me and her (because my partner cant swim)so thought this would be great oppurtunity to get closer to her ,we have a good relationship anyway but i have decided to make time for her as if she were my own.positive,positive thinking!im getting sick of feeling depressed about it all and now i know if i do get down i can come here to air my frustration.sometimes getting it off your chest helps you feel more positive.hope i can return the favour and offer great advice and support to every one of you in the future.xxx

mambamumNo you're not a bitch!

The whole situation is hard. I sympathise , I have had many feelings which I also find it hard to admit to...and as for keeping your distance I have done exactly the same. When we have sd I have even found myself finding something else to do in another room rather than be in the same room and watch the 'happy families' thing. Terrible I know, other times I make sure that sd and I spend alot of time on our own together, like swimming,horse-riding etc and I genuinely thouroughly enjoy myself. I think it all depends on whats gone on in the previous week, I find my feelings are often all over the place and very intense. Thankfully SD is competely unaware of this which is the main thing and she is perfectly happy. I have to admit though, for some reason unbeknown to me , when dh is not around I really enjoy my time with sd as I can see her a the sweet little girl she is instead of the constant reminder of my dh past (and ex) which tends to happen when he is around, I'm obviously working on this and am slowly getting there!! Big hugs to everyone xxx

Hi Valentine, I can totally sympathise with you. I too find it so hard to deal with the stepchildren and bond with them, but only because when I try I get it thrown back in my face. They wont do anything with me, only with daddy and that really hurts! (please see my post "its so hard trying to be a stepmum"). I too have major emotions that I struggle to deal with including wanting a child of my own and coming to terms with skids not "warming" to me or showing me any affection. I also have the added problem of a jelouse, manipulative ex to contend with and sometimes it just all gets too much for me! Please keep you chin up and keep posting, I only joined here yesterday and it has been such a godsend just to talk and share opinions. The people on here are all wonderful and helpful. Sam xx

Thanks Nelli29 but I know I am. I've tried so many times to understand the negative feelings I have. I think partly some of it is to do with the fact that the skids are being raised differently to how I raised my two grown children, I always encouraged them to become independent whereas the eldest 2 skids mother seems to have kept them tied too tightly to her apron strings they seem very young for their age. The other skid from the ex partner has been spoilt. None of which is any of their fault. It's a terrible thing to admit but I find them very irritating. I wish I could be a grown up like you and try to form some kind of relationship with them but the truth is I don't want to. I often think it will cause me and dh to separate, as its a situation that will never go away. I'm cringing at myself as I write this, Cinderella's stepmother had nothing on me!

mambamum, I know exactly what you mean! That last msge could have been me! The sk's have been brought up sooo differently to the way mine were brought up, In my view SK's are spoilt, have no disipline, they have no respect and YES I find them irritating at times, I am trying to form a good relationship with them but there is so much other 'stuff' in the way it clouds everything. Believe me I sometimes think that I am the worst, most wicked step-mother ever!