Help think its falling apart

[MrsParker]

Me and my partner live together with my dd who's 4, and our ds 4months. My partners dss who's 6, comes to stay every weekend friday to sunday. I have started to dread weekends as dss has become very difficult to be around. He has started to swear and throw massive tantrums when he doesn't get his own way or if he's told off. He has now become aggressive trying to hit me. He reacts like this to everyone, his mother tell's dp that she is having these problems with him during the week as well, he bit his nan last week. My dd is now copying his behaviour and me and my partner are arguing over it. I feel like i don't think i can cope with it anymore, too upsetting and stressful. Have asked dp to try and discuss it more with ex'p but hasn't got round to it. Anyway, my partner has gone to stay at his sisters for a few days to give us both time to think if we can continue the relationship. Don't know what to do for best, i'm happy all week, and then weekends are a war zone. Any advice?

Is there any tension between your DP and his ex? Is the little boy having problems at school or just at home? Does the little boy lash out at his dad or the other kids?

I think the main thing is to try and sort out why he's acting like that.

In the short term, minimising friction might be a good idea - does your DD see her dad at all? and does your SS ever stay at his mums for weekends? (FWIW, i think every weekend is too much at dads - because there is little 'quality' time with mum, IYSWIM)

Can your DP see his son outside of your home? (assuming this is the main place of his anger)

They are pretty civil with each other. Have asked him to discuss it with her but keeps putting it off. Seems they had a pretty volatile relationship, which ended with his dss going to live with an auntie. He has been home about a year. He doesn't agree with her parenting methods, and i think he fears confrontation with her.

We argued because i said that if i was him, i'd contact dss's school to see if a problem there. I said he should be doing more to try and find out whats wrong.

My dd rarely sees her dad. He doesn't bother with her. Dss always comes here at weekends, court order in place to say so. Think it suited the ex'p as she worked weekends at time. My dp wouldn't want that to change.

Dss has never lashed out at his dad because i think he'd be scared to. Seems its just everyone else. I feel its because he has been allowed to run around the streets with his mates evey night, doing what he likes. So when anyone tells him what to do or not do, he loses control. Feel there is not much discipline at home.

Dss has acted like this at home, at our home, at family events. Not just with me & his dad, but with cousins and other relatives. Think he's had a hard start in life.

Thanks Jammi I read your thread. Your right some good advice. Maybe spending some time alone with dp would be good for dss. Although money is very tight at moment, so can't think of many things dss would enjoy doing with dp on there own, except the park. Also causes dd to get upset as she loves to be with dss.
I think dp should be doing more, contacting dss's school to see how he's behaving there. My dp feels i am attacking his son when i discuss these issues with him, but i don't know what else to do

I just don't know if any of these suggestions will work as dss lives by a different set of rules when at home with his mother.
She lets him make tea and coffee, we don't. She lets him watch dvd's above his age, 15's. we don't. must be very hard when he's expected to do what we say at weekends after doing what he wants in the week.
He mainly plays on his computer in his room, or out playing in the street at home. Where as we limit the amount of computer they have.

It seems like sending dp to do things on his own with dss sort of divides the family more. If dp works all week, only quality time for children with dp is weekends. How often should they be going off on their own?

Ok. I think i have somethings to suggest to dp now. Sometime alone with dss. Star chart. Do you think he should be talking to dss's school to see if he's having problems there?

Seems that if he's having problems at home and here maybe something is causing them. Feel my dp should be trying to find out what has caused him to suddenly become so difficult in the last few months?

Could it be the baby? Dss seems to really love ds, loves kissing him and playing with him.
Do worry about how it all effects dd though. She worships dss. She copies his attitude, and then gets herself into trouble.

Dss likes to play games involving stabbing, blood, and lots and lots of death. We constantly try and but an end to it, is this thing normal for 6year old boys? We wondered if its because he watches unsuitable films at home?