Why have my feelings about spending time with DSD changed? Help?

[autumnalenergy]

Please be kind, I’ve never felt more awful and lonely.

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 4 years. He has a 6 year old daughter. We lived together for the last year and in the last 6 months I’ve been struggling massively and I don’t know why.

Me and my partner were friends before we got in a relationship, and I’ve been in DSDs life since very early on. I’ve got a strong bond with her, and she has with me. I moved into DPs house when DSD was 4 years old and I never struggled with it.

In the last 6 months, I’ve found myself making excuses to go out or to be out of the house when she’s here (which is 2 weeks on/2 weeks off). She’s sweet and lovely and I feel guilty feeling this. I just find it so overwhelming. She is a loved little girl, but there is a conflict in her coparenting set up and I feel it has affected me.

I still feel happy enough to sit with her and read with her, but things like constantly talking and questions make me feel claustrophobic. I can’t explain it.

I would never show this to her, and I try to just get passed it but I can’t. I find the day to day grind exhausting.

For context, 6 months ago I found out that DP was messaging another woman (a woman he lose his virginity to). The messages didn’t cross the line, but he repeatedly lied and lied about it and hid my existence from her. It stung and I still feel like there’s a lack of trust towards him.

Since then I feel resentful that I am part of this family when he didn’t show me any consideration or respect. It’s not fair to DSD for me to feel like this. I know it isn’t. I broke up with DP over the messages but still saw DSD because she missed me so much. DP said she was always asking for me.

When DSD is here I’m happy to go on days out with her and DP, but sitting in the house with them both makes me feel trapped and depressed. It doesn’t help that DP doesn’t really care if we go out or not. I feel awful feeling this.

I’m so torn - I love DSD, but I feel like I’m being a shitty figure in her life. I don’t have the energy or enthusiasm I used to have, I’ve just started antidepressants to see if my mood is affecting my thought. I just wanted to reach out and ask if anyone has had similar and what to do about it? I can’t speak to DP he’s understandable be upset.

Im confused are you with her dad anymore?

OP, this is so clearly an indirect consequence of your relationship problems. Honestly you need to break up with your partner and have a clean break and not see him or his DD any more - it will be better for all of you in the long run.

i can't believe you're going on anti depressants rather than just breaking up with this guy!

Are you and your DP back together?

It’s not surprising that your struggles with the set up coincide with him betraying you. Its probably partly self-preservation and subconsciously not wanting to keep building your relationship with her when her father may let you down again, and partly resentment that you have the limitations being a family brings with no respect from your DP.

Be careful your DP hasn’t used her to reel you back in without actually addressing the fact he absolutely let you down.

It sounds like, and I may be way off here, that you feel stuck in an unhappy relationship because of your step-daughter. Because you’re fond of her and don’t want to hurt her. Your partner used her to make you feel bad and guilty about the break up.

This is very disjointed

broke up with DP over the messages but still saw DSD because she missed me so much. DP said she was always asking for me.

you are back with him?

You’ve forgiven him but have issues with his child?

Are you pregnant? That’s the usual change for fairy step mums

Never live with a man who has a child.

No I think the issue is that she hasn’t actually forgiven him, and now is resentful of him and his daughter? That’s what I take from the post

Or indeed a sketchy cheater

You feel trapped because you dont trust him and you dont want to be with him anymore.

I think your feelings towards DSD are more about you subconsciously wanting you create distance from her because you want to end the relationship but feel guilty about how it will impact her and upset about losing the relationship you've built with her.

You need to end the relationship and do an ending with DSD. You'll never be free of him if you continue a relationship with the child. He will use it to manipulate you back. Unless you have a positive relationship eith the mum and can maintain a relationship via her.

Had he properly split up from the child’s mother when you got together or was there an overlap?

Sounds like when you’re all in together he doesn’t make any effort to ensure his daughter has something to do? Does he actually play games with her? If not, that’s why it’s hard. 6 year olds can’t be left to their own devices the whole time.

Regardless of that, he’s messaging an ex lover behind your back so that’s a bright red flag. 🚩

I don’t think you can really stay in a six year old child’s life when you have broken up with their parent. Why are you still playing happy families?

This relationship is clearly over. Time to dust yourself down and fully move on. 💐

Yanbu.
He has been unfaithful and is a liar.
You need to move out asap.
You don't wantbto play happy families with a liar.
Perfectly normal.
Time to move on.