really need some perspective, advice, or just validation from people who understand because I am living in a constant state of anxiety in my own home. I am a 30F stay-at-home mum to my two young boys, and my husband works outside the home 7 days a week from morning until late evening. My stepdaughter (almost 17) moved in with us full-time three years ago from another country.
When she first arrived, I did absolutely everything I could to welcome her into our home. I was the one who helped heavily with her visa process. I went out of my way to make conversation with her every single day, even though she would never initiate a conversation with me or speak first. I tried so hard to build a relationship, but she responded with a continuous pattern of dishonesty, lies, provocation, and retaliation tactics—all completely behind everyone’s back while acting sweet as pie to them. Honestly, what I am sharing here is only the tip of the iceberg with her behaviour.
Last year, I saw her out in public and walked toward her. She looked right at me, turned away, walked past me, and laughed loudly with her friend. Later, she completely twisted the narrative to my husband, claiming she "tried to say hello" to paint me as the villain.
The double standard she uses with texts to manipulate my husband is exhausting. A few weeks back, my husband was sick upstairs sleeping and I text her to come home so I could lock up the house. She completely ignored the message, stayed out, and replied at 10:00 AM the next day aggressively asking, "Why did you have to wait? I told my dad." But recently, she text him trying to get me in trouble, saying, "Just letting you know I went out, I tried telling you but you were in the shower, I told the stepmother to tell you but she didn't want to." She treats me like I don't exist when I set a safety boundary, but the second she wants an alibi for breaking curfew, she tries to turn me into her personal assistant and blames me to her dad when I refuse to play along.
The physical games in the house are constant. I used to serve her food, but after over two years of her letting me plate it up only to leave it to rot in the microwave or fridge, I set a boundary this summer that she has to serve herself. In retaliation, she completely stopped eating family meals, ordered a mini-fridge to her bedroom without asking anyone for permission, and hoards groceries and takeaways in her room out of pure resentment.
The bathroom window has become a daily psychological battleground. She leaves the bathroom she exclusively uses covered in grime, spit, and mud. When I told her she needed to rinse the tub and sink, she threw a tantrum, stripped the room of her decor, and stopped showering for a week to play the victim. The window issue actually started well before the summer, and then continued heavily all through the summer whenever I opened it. She was eventually told by her father to stop closing it when I opened it. So, to completely twist his words and play an authority game, she has now taken it upon herself to open it herself every single day from morning to late night just to stay in control of the room. Yesterday, she marched in after school and slammed it shut. Today, she opened it herself but pulled the blind fully down over it to hide it and mark her territory, so it's just flapping in the breeze.
I lost my temper last year and raised my voice at her, calling out her tactics. She just smirked and said, "Like what? Like what?" That night she "ran away" for one night and wrote a three-page letter about how I’m picking on her. When she came home, my husband immediately blamed me for shouting, even though I've asked both of them a hundred times to stop the behavior. During the subsequent family discussion, she looked at me and told me that I could leave the house if I wanted to, and leave the kids here for her dad. My husband sat there in total silence and didn't defend me.
My husband works so much that he is blind to it, and he has explicitly told me I cannot expect him to ever correct her in front of me, though he has stood side-by-side with her and shouted at me. He is finally starting to see some of the truth—he made her pay for the extra electricity for her fridge this morning—but she just shifts to new loopholes like the window blind or crowding my kitchen space right when I start cooking for my boys at 5:00 PM.
I have completely emotionally checked out and disengaged from her now. I don't touch the window, I don't look at her food, and I only offer a polite "hello" or "morning." I am pouring 100% of my energy into my small boys, but the constant replaying of these mind games is making me genuinely nauseous and sick to my stomach.
How do I survive a teenager who is actively trying to push me down to lift herself up in my own house when my spouse is gone 7 days a week? What do I do?