How do you split finances?

[User8389601]

I am looking for advice on how people separate the finances in a step parenting situation. I use step parenting though I know this term is frowned upon given we are not married, but not sure what else to call it.

We have a large house that we are renting. Partner earns 55% of our combined income I earn 45%. We have partners daughter every weekend and 50% of school holidays. I have no children.

If you are in a similar situation, how do you split the finances?

Him 66% you 34% to cover tge difference in income and the cost of his dd

We have my step son full time and my partner earns a lot more than me. He pays all the house bills and i give him £100 a week and buy the shopping.

Child related stuff we just kind of share really as i treat him as my own. But if i didn't want to do this, he'd be ok with it. I don't have any children.

I don't know how much that helps, sorry!

Thank you for replies so far. It currently is a 45/55 split. Partner is self employed and I also use a lot of annual leave on school holidays to ensure he can still earn his wage whilst we have SD. I also do all cooking, cleaning, washing. All household jobs.

A couple of remarks have been made as if he is resentful for paying for more. I was just intrigued what others do. I don't feel I am being unfair in my contribution. If we split it right down the middle it would drastically affect what personal money I have for myself vs what he has. We also live in a very expensive house in a very expensive part of the country, all to be near SD and provide her with a wonderful home. I have moved across the country to be here (we met in my hometown when he was there for work). I probably don't need to justify myself but it has just annoyed me some remarks that were made today!

Hi, we earn a similar amount and do the following:

• all costs related to our home, food and bills split 50/50. We pay the same amount into a joint account each month that all bills are paid out of.
• costs that relate specifically to his kids (maintenance, clubs, clothes, school trips) he funds himself and not from joint money.
• we each fund our own personal costs for cars, gym membership, mobile phones etc
• for holidays where we take the kids we play it by ear a bit. If it’s self catering and the cost is the same whether it’s all of us or the two of us, we just split it. But if it was something where the price increases per person, even for kids, we would take that into account when we split the costs.

Well he’d be a lot worse off if you left. Consider that. He should.

good luck lovely x

Different set up I suppose but we pay into the joint account an amount that means we both have the same amount left over. He then has to spend that on himself and his kids, I do the same. He has more children than me so realistically he has less per child but actually both of us have more left over than we did when we didn’t live together. I’m the higher earner so technically I am contributing more but as I said it’s less than it would be if I lived on my own again and had to pay all of the bills myself. The same is true for my DH as it’s more expensive to run two homes than one, it’s what we’re happy with and it’s what we agreed before we bought a larger house with a bigger mortgage than our two separate mortgages combined. I wouldn’t want it to be 50:50 for household bills and groceries and watch him and his kids suffer because of it but nor do I think it’s reasonable for me to pay for their clothes, clubs etc. so those come out of the money we each have left after all bills and groceries etc.

we do have a joint child but all of their expenses come out of the joint account, our children from previous relationships we pay for ourselves.

He only sees his DD twice a month 🙄 HE should be taking time off to spend with her in the school holidays, otherwise what’s the point?

The child is visiting to spend time with the parent she barely sees, not to spend days with his GF.

You are essentially the nanny with a fanny. He’s got you on childcare, housework, laundry AND you’re contributing nearly 50% of the housing costs to live in an area you don’t particularly want to be in, in a house that’s bigger than you need.

He is robbing you blind, of your time, your energy and your money, and complaining that you don’t contribute enough 🤦🏻‍♀️ Why are you with him?

You are being used by him to pay for his child and to be free childcare.

You are paying for a much larger house for his child in an area that suits him.

Absolute madness.
Wake up.

He is using you and sadly you must lack any self worth to be wasting so much money paying to be his skivvy aupair.

What is the endgame here? Do you plan to get married and have joint children?

DH does all house related bills, me food ( which is now more than bills!) we never split the kids costs when they were younger, adults now, and neither took leave to look after each others. It worked for us to keep it very separate

He's selfish.
He has a built in nanny and housekeeper who pays almost half the bills.
What do you get?
Do not pay any more into the pot. And stop using your annual leave for childcare. Tell him now he needs to book & pay for holiday clubs in future as you will be unavailable.
He needs to see how much money you have been saving him.
But all he'll see is you "being unreasonable" because you won't do it any more.
Try splitting the chores as well.
If he starts appreciating you & all you do then it may work.
Otherwise it mighr be time to re evaluate your self worth & this relationship.

Wow op, your second post puts a totally different spin on stuff. This isn’t good op. You give everything and do everything for him, and in return he puts 5% more in the pot (which his own dd would take more than that out of). And he resents you for it? Fuck that op. I’d 100% not be doing a second of childcare or theirs or their dds domestic stuff if he was anything other than completely grateful.

If he is resentful of the current situation then suggest you go 50/50 on everything. Housework being the main thing. Obviously you stop using your annual leave to assist him as that's part of the new deal. I think you might need to listen to what this man is telling you. His expectations are high and it's all about him and the child. Do you count at all?

I never took time off to care for the kids in school holidays, it was his 3 kids and him and his ex wife’s issue. I’m not childcare. I also didn’t do all the cooking, cleaning etc, that was shared, mostly him on his weekends with the kids, and we had a cleaner. I was very clear to him. And him to me, that they had parents and that was their jobs.

you need to be making your own life and friends in a new place.

we kept separate finances as kids are expensive, and still, 20 years later and married, keep largely separate finances.

Id be going away for a few days to see a friend if I was you and have a long hard think.

@Ethel91 I'd say marriage is on the cards. We would like to have a joint child though the window for that is running out and we admittedly have not been prioritising making that decision.

Thanks for all your very helpful replies. I have never ever wanted to have the 'I shouldn't have to pay for DD' chat and have tiptoed around this our whole relationship. I mostly wanted to be of the mindset that we are a family and I will always treat DD this way.

I've tried to approach our finances from the perspective that it should be equitable for us. I was fully prepared to go in all guns blazing with the whole 'Yep let's do 50/50, I'll cancel my annual leave, you can do all your own watching etc', but thankfully the chat didn't have to come to that and he sees the reasoning behind why the split is this way and agreed he was wrong for his suggestions.

I do get a lot of people tell me I do far too much in the relationship, but I work from home fulltime so I feel it's easier for me to nip around and do a lot of jobs and to be honest acts of service are my love language. I mostly get a lot of gratitude for all I do.

Hopefully the finances chat has been nipped in the bud between us now but it has been really useful and reassuring to hear all your opinions and the way you have split things.

He has an incredibly good deal and if he doesn't recognise that I don't think I could stay. If he is showing even a hint of resentfulness that he's paying a little bit more than 50%, when more than 50% of the costs are down to him, the realtionship has no future at all imo, and this will only get worse.

You would be exceptionally foolish to get married to this man. It is very obvious to everyone here that he is using you. But if you can’t see that yet, at the very least please don’t rush with getting married and/or having a child. I think he will continue to reveal how selfish he is in different ways.

Op - in an equal relationship, neither party would ever ‘tip toe’ around raising an issue. They would communicate. The fact that you are scared to raise this, indicates you are more keen to please him and keep him happy in this relationship than you are with making sure you are. It isn’t healthy.

We or he, haven't been prioritising?

Honestly the fact that he's been happy to let you pay your 45% and do all the labour to support his child is a massive red flag. Marrying him will make it all even worse.

@arethereanyleftatall It's not so much tip toeing because I'm scared. I've just felt it may give an impression I am not invested in his child if I mention that as a leading reason for keeping finances separate. Going into a 'step parent' situation and relationship I've always felt it was important to treat his child like I would my own.

@Ninetwenty I'd say both of us haven't been prioritising and ironically it's down to Finances. I just can't see how we can afford it at present and afford our house and life.

That’s very convenient for him op. You will do all his parenting labour in the effort to prove to him you are invested.

like a poster upthread said, he sees his child TWICE per month, if that was my child I would move everything to ensure I am there for every second of that.

and to your second point, so once again, it is you giving up stuff for him. You are giving up your chance to have your own child to live in an expensive area for his child.

I honestly believe in a decades time you will massively regret the decisions you are making now, sorry.

@arethereanyleftatall Yeah I'm not sure where the twice per month came from, we have his DD every Friday - Monday every weekend and 50% of school holidays. Not the point of your message I know, but just to correct.

I hear what you're saying though. I need to start to prioritise more of the life I want to lead and stop putting the other 2 ahead of my needs.

I think that would be a very good idea. Maybe you can start having girls' nights or similar when the wee girl is visiting, just for a break and to broaden your horizons a bit.

OP, you sound like a lovely kind generous woman who has been used and taken for a ride.

He knows well that you are being screwed but couldn't help himself wanting more.

You pushing back has made him backtrack, but the fact remains that you are being used.

You clearly have very low self worth that you would put them so far ahead of any needs you have yourself.

You will eventually realise what a mistake you have made and will bitterly regret your choices.

It's very sad when this happens, but it sounds as if you are determined to be used.

You deserve so much better but unfortunately until you realise it yourself there is nothing to be done.

I can well imagine that those around you like family and friends must feel so sorry for you and your choices. It's sad to see someone so used, giving up so much.

Good luck to you.