Step-parenting after separation when a child refuses contact at home

[Loplolo]

I need advice about how to manage this awful situation. I appreciate people are going to ask what’s the ‘other side of the story’ but this is as factual as I can make it and I have not tried to make myself look better in this, there isn’t some other side I haven’t divulged

My DH’s DD9 is a very sensitive child and has had a lot of issues with anxiety. Her mum is openly anxious and both parents haven’t really dealt well with it in all honesty as they don’t have a great co parenting relationship, and I was involved with helping and supporting her and her dad in my step mum role.

As her parents split when she was young, and they have 50/50, she has attachment issues. She used to ask me to promise to never leave her dad and this used to make me feel uncomfortable but I dealt with it the best I could.

My husband has a tendency to shout a lot in frustration and DD used to say it scared her and would ask me to step in. As a child who also got shouted at a lot, I had a lot of empathy for her. I did bring it up with him as it got worse, and he did not take it very well, and turned his shouting to me. I was not mean or cruel when I brought this up.

My husband and I have had a horrible few months and our relationship has broken down terribly due to this. He is mortally offended I insinuated he was a bad father by saying he scared his child when he shouts. He also said it was me projecting my bad childhood onto him and his DD. But she had been telling me this for a long time and it was getting upsetting to watch and then be turned on me.

I asked him for space to try to protect the children because they could hear us arguing and I moved out temporarily. He has dealt with this quite badly, and I think he’s exposed his DD to more trauma. I don’t think he’s shouting at her anymore, and he went and got help for this. But he’s become a broken shaking crying simmering frustrated wreck most of the time and we just haven’t been able to piece our marriage back together.

We are moving forward with separation but we have no choice but to live under the same roof until our house sells. I have been basically living out of a bag in my car, staying over at other people’s houses as much as I can and going back for short periods to collect more clothes.

The atmosphere in the house is awful when I do go there and DD9 has point blank refused to even lay eyes on me for over 3 months now. She will just go to her room and hide if I am home. I raised this with DH months ago, why she was doing this and if I could try to speak to her, he said she didn’t want to see or speak to me at all and he had tried to talk to her she is afraid of me. He said I was the adult so it’s my responsibility to fix it but I clearly don’t love her because I haven’t tried to do anything.

exDH has not done anything else to help, he facilitates her hiding and even though I have given her a nice letter, she still hides. I feel like I can’t go into her room and demand she talks to me so I’ve been giving her space. He is also not always very nice to me when she’s in the house and I’ve said this doesn’t help.

I do understand it from her POV, and I have to accept it the way it is, but it’s awful. I was trying to protect this child and it’s completely backfired on me spectacularly and there seems to be nothing more I can do. I miss her and want the best for her and hope she’s ok. I feel very guilty at any part I’ve had in this and sort of wish I never brought it up but I’ve seen another side of him I can’t unsee

No children together

Sorry missed from my post. He has another older child but this child seems fine and still speaks to me.

no He has 2 DC. None together. The older boy talks to me and doesn’t hide. I appreciate he might be affected by the situation but he has a different personality and is less anxious by nature.

you are leaving the children’s lives. That is what happens when a step-parent leaves. You can try to pretend that you aren’t also divorcing the children, but that isn’t reality.

You need to just let them have their privacy and let them grieve. Hopefully with time they will understand it wasn’t personal.

Do not believe this man for a second, my first marriage was to someone very similar although he was also physically abusive aswell as the shouting etc... I had a lovely relationship with my step daughter from age 4-9 but once I left suddenly I was told she hated me didn't like me etc etc that all her anxiety was my fault....move on 16 years I had now moved 200+ miles away new life marriage, kids...in January this year I got a message from a now grown up woman, within an hour we were talking on the phone, I actually couldn't believe all the memories she remembered where I not only protected her from her dad but made everything happy...4 days later she came up on the train to see me and what a reunion..turns out she was taken into care from her abusive father as it started to turn on her from age 14..she doesn't even call him father and said she had been looking for me since 18 but it took some time as obviously I had a name change....since that lovely time she has now met all my other kids, dh, stayed over and just become another lovely part of the family..I do get on with her mum aswell tho she has special needs and there both coming next month...so basically don't forget you know how you treated the lassie don't listen to outside stuff...you may meet again like me x

That’s so sad but also lovely to hear thanks for sharing with me.

He is trying to force me to move out basically, so that this will solve the issue and he doesn’t have to do anything. I have nowhere to move to. Rather than help resolve the tension he just wants to get rid of me but this isn’t practical so instead he’s just letting her suffer? I don’t understand. As we have to live here I asked if we could try being as normal as possible, people sharing the space and he won’t allow this so I am banned from seeing them completely and have to hide from them when we are in the house together and I am allowed out of my sleeping area at a set time so we do not cross paths. I feel like a criminal in my own home

Nightmare, slash the price of the house and get the hell out of there.

I'm sorry but it's not possible to fix this with you mending your relationship with your stepdaughter. You have to exit her life as quietly as possible, get the house sold and get your own single life set up. Is ExDH onboard with the sale or is he dragging it out? Honestly this is such a shitshow that it might be best to take the hit of the significant reduction in sale price that you will take by selling to one of those awful agencies that snap up any house for usually 80% of real market value. Losing that 20% will hurt but that's the cost of ending this distressing limbo time as quickly as possible.

Huge sympathy for the child who is suffering here but you cannot fix her and your continued involvement in ger life is making it worse.

Huge sympathy to you too, you didn't choose this.

Poor her, but it’s so lovely she sought you out.

OP if you have a good relationship with her mum, you could ask to see her later? Maybe inform the school of the situation if you haven’t?

I just don’t know what to do. The house is up for sale. He’s trying to force me out when the kids are here on his time but I have nowhere to go, so I have to sit in separate rooms for hours while they eat, watch TV etc and he doesn’t put them to bed until going on 9pm! There has been times I’ve had to sit in our en suite for an hour.

I accept I am leaving her life but this is so overly dramatic me having to pretend I’ve died or something and I feel like I’ve committed some kind of crime.

He is being a bully! The house is a shared commodity so you both have equal rights to live there - he shouldn't be forcing you to sit apart and move around whatever they are doing. If necessary you should be in a separate room with TV etc so that your 'enjoyment' of the house is still doable.
He is being totally unreasonable and you are enabling it. You have a shared house and both he and the children need to be told that you still live there until such time as you sell up and move out. Yes it is uncomfortable but only because he is making it that way for everyone concerned. As for your stepdaughter - you can be honest with her and let her know that she was asking to make a promise that you really couldn't make and make apologies for it but you will always be a friend to her if she wants it. She is and continues to be in a precarious position where the adults in her life keep letting her down but life isn't fair sometimes - the poor mite has a father who shouts and a mother who can't or won't co-parent with her dad - she won't trust anyone ever!