DH treating the “children” differently

[doisayanything]

I’ve posted this in step parenting, not sure whether that is a good idea or not, but interested in perspectives.

DS1 is early 20’s, separated from his Dad when he was tiny, met DH when he was 2. We went on to have DS2 3 years later.

We’ve had a great family life together, I have always felt so lucky that DH was fab with DS1. Did all the “Dad” bits, DS’s Dad was in the picture, but very much an EOW dad and not an ounce more. So DH enjoyed doing the nice bits, taking him to football etc.

DS1 has been at Uni for the last few years, recently finished so now home. For the last few years, I’ve felt something different, and I’m finding it hard to shake it off. Moving from IBU to real sadness.

It’s starting to feel like he cares about DS1, but he “really” cares about DS2. He’s not horrible, but as an example, if DS2 walked out the door, he’d probably go and close it behind him, say goodbye etc. When DS1 walks out, he might not even call out goodbye, and we see a lot less of DS2 as he works long shifts/spends periods at his GF, so it could be days before we’ll see him again.

It’s leaving me feeling a bit sad, after 20 years. Mainly because I wonder if DS1 notices it too.

DS2 is particularly close to DH, probably more so than he is with me. DS1 has always been a “mums boy”, but loves spending time with DH too.

Am I right to feel sad? Would you say anything?

note- please be gentle, I am peri menopausal so fully accept I might be being a bit sensitive!

Perhaps when DS2 had also been living away at University and was home again, your DH may also treat him differently ie as more of an adult than a son. It may be that is the aspect that has changed your husband’s feelings to DS1.

I think you're reading too much into this. And I say that as I have a very similar family set up to you though m DCs are now both older and have left home.

I'd day that my DH is closer to 'his' DC though he sees both our DCs as his and there was no difference in how he treated them when they were younger which is what you are describing I think - even though our DC1 has a good relationship with their Father and his family.

It's natural I think to be closer to one DC than the other at different times. I see this myself with both my DCs; depends what their needs at at the time, how often I'm seeing them and so on. I don't think any biological parent (or otherwise) can possibly show the same level of 'care' to both (or more) DCs at the same time all the time.

I'd say, kindly, that you are being sensitive. And, just saying, again trying to be kind - are you seeing this through your own lens. You say that DS1 is a 'Mum's boy' so does that mean that DS2 is not? - perhaps you feel you are not showing the same level of care to them both?

I think provided your DH is kind and fair to your eldest then that is a good result.

I think it is unrealistic to expect a step parent to feel the same about a step child as they do their own - it is setting up a whole heap of problems and I say this as someone who is a step child. Your eldest has a father and the bonus of a kind step father - that is a good result.