A bit of perspective please!

[Anothercoffeepleaselaura]

Hi all I’ve name changed and just looking for a bit of perspective.

I’m not classed as a step parent but hopefully maybe some can give me some advice?

I’m two years in to a relationship with a great man who I love dearly and have lots of fun - which is something at my age! We don’t live with each other but spend a lot of time at each other homes. I have older children & so does he.

The issue I have is that one of his kids (21 they are not the youngest) is very demanding. They have been challenging since primary school and is the centre of a tornado of the entire family. The whole family act if this young adult is incapable of performing even simple tasks - like making an appointment and their expectations of them is extremely low. Which I feel is impeding any kind of growth they should be having at this age. His other kids are not treated like this.

Yet on the other hand they are able to hold down a job, go out clubbing every weekend and be very resourceful when they need to be. I’ll be fair and say they do have some form of neurodevelopment condition but they are life and soul of any party and I actually like them very much. It’s either high drama or high fun with them and this actually causes my partners nerves to be shredded.

My partner and their boyfriend will regularly have private conversations about them - both exasperated about their behaviour- but they are both enabling it. It’s completely bonkers

There are no boundaries set for them. They are connected to their dads bank account, uber & amazon account and just help themselves. When questioned about it they say ‘oh I thought I used my own bank card - sorry!’ And it’s done with.

He spends a lot of time ‘fixing’ their messes - and he is exhausted. But he is compelled to say yes or do what they want. If he puts in any kind of boundary the tears come and he folds rather quickly. Then gets frustrated.

Recently it’s become a lot or I’m noticing more and it’s myself he vents to. And I’m getting a bit tired of the same circus every single week. They create a drama/emergency - phone dad in tears - dad runs to the rescue - dad phones me pissed off. The ‘emergencies’ are never real emergencies.

eg..’ They call dad panicked and on the verge of tears ‘ omg dad I’m going to be late please take me to work or I will get sacked’ - dad leaves WORK to go to them and they are sat in sandwich shop because they were hungry and purposely missed the bus stop to go and get a sausage roll. I shit you not.

Last night I witnessed it in real time. Dad folded over something then when he came back I think he was embarrassed and his energy towards me changed as I think he was thinking I was judging him - and yes I was a bit but more pissed off he left me to go run an completely unnecessary errand for them whilst we were out for the evening

I find it difficult to understand why he won’t stick to boundaries with that particular child as he isn’t with his other kids and my kids are incredibly independent. I’ve been a single parent for a very long time and I’ve got no time for that kind of fuckery.

It’s putting me off our future plans of moving in with him and zapping my energy. And I felt my annoyance was peeking through with them last night - I’ve got a face that doesn’t hide emotions well 😬

Im sorry this was incredibly long!

Any suggestions?

I’m very sorry for you in this situation. As a stranger I would encourage you to look after yourself. It’s not about the various children, the issue you have is with ‘him’.

He is the only person who can fix this and he is showing no sign of being willing or able to even try to resolve it. And he is just using you as his emotional punchbag while doing nothing to resolve it.

I’d seriously encourage you to suggest he leaves you alone til he is ready to have a real relationship with you.

i completely understand that ‘other than’ this he is a great and lovely partner but this is indeed who he is. He is not really available to you as a real partner. Sorry.

What do you mean by 'my partner and their boyfriend '?

Eta- i think I've worked it out! Do you mean the boyfriend of the 21 year old? I thought this might have been a thruple scenario 😅

Assume they mean the "needy" child's boyfriend.

They sound like they have some sort of adhd but I’m kind of with you op that the way everyone treats them is enabling. Neurodiversity is real and varies a lot but the one thing that is true is that people are capable of a lot but need consistent boundaries, workarounds to solve their specific issues, and also let them fail sometimes as that can be a lesson in itself. My boss is like your partner op, forever “saving” her son and I lately and been working with him to help him structure his life to work for him eg the easiest was using pots for his money, second account for the bills, and the routine of a packed lunch, none rocket science but it took an outside person to sit down and calmly go through the issues with finances (all his idea) and set it all up, he’s actually got the first time afforded a holiday by saving rather than borrowing.

my intervening was really small things but it helped de stress a lot

You and she are in competition for her dad's time and attention, seemingly. Until he realises he's doing her no favours by "adulting" for her and rescuing her, she will continue. He won't thank you for pointing this out, so I would put your plans to move in together on hold as I think that would make matters worse. Sorry, I don't think you can solve this.

It's your partners fault if their relationship is like this. And he's not going to change because you say so.

Don't move in together. Keep your distance from the daughter but you can't really interfere in his relationship with her.

Run.

Your partner is responsible for his own behaviour. Both in how he responds to the demanding child and how he vents to you.
If he can't step back from the needy one, I would insist, at the very least, he keeps his frustration to himself.
In short, if he can't fix then at least shut up about it.

Tell him to stop using you to vent, if he's not willing to do anything, whingeing is pointless.
Why would you want to move in with him? Keep your own house and financial independence.

Thanks for the responses. I’ve just tried to have a very sensitive conversation with him about it and he didn’t take it well. Says he can’t win and it will always be like that 😬

It was interesting as for the majority of the conversation he didn’t consider how I felt about it - until I gently pointed out I didn’t feel great about being left in a pub by myself whilst he went a run an unnecessary errand for her. That’s when he said ‘I can’t win’

This is genuinely the first time I’ve mentioned something.

I think I’ve got my answer to be honest

Sounds to me like it's you who can't win.
Not only are you abandoned at the drop of a hat, but you get a load of negativity from he who abandoned you.
Doesn't look like he's willing or able to change. Only you can decide if you can be ok with that.

OP, this is who he is.
Not a great father and certainly not someone to be in a relationship with.

He takes no responsibility for his behaviour, is very selfish and self absorbed and is a whiner.
Does he remind you of anyone?
They are enmeshed, secretly love the drama and are a bit addicted to it.

Why would you want that ridiculousness in your life, living with you?

You sound like a very sensible woman, why would you be tolerating this.

He is like a child himself, and doesn't have any potential for growth.

Upping and leaving you in a pub like that, should not be something your self esteem and self respect should tolerate.

Absolutely ridiculous, yet he did it.

You will regret tolerating such rudeness and disrespect.
He's wasting your time.

It can be tricky to get a co-dependent dad to put in some boundaries with his adult children, but it can be worth persevering, if he's otherwise a good partner. I speak from experience. Almost four years into my and DP's relationship, things are much better than they used to be. If you love him, maybe don't give up just yet.

Parenting children (adults!! They’re miles behind) with ND is approximately one billion times different, and harder, than NT children. I have one of both, the difference is huge. None of the normal ‘rules’ really apply or work.

Agree with this. I have a young adult DS and he is far behind his teen siblings when it comes to emotional maturity. Parenting him looks very different.

What sort of neurodevelopmental condition does your partner’s DD have? He has fallen into this pattern of parenting her for a reason, and it appears from what you’re saying that it isn’t helpful now. But it’s hard to judge given the very limited information. What is your partner afraid will happen if he doesn’t jump to help her? He doesn’t treat his other children like this so he’s afraid of something.
That she won’t be able to cope?
That she’ll fall apart MH wise?
That she’ll hate him?

“I can’t win” in this case sounds like “I can’t make hard decisions”.