How do I navigate feeling shut out by my stepmother?

[AgileQuail95]

Hello all, this is my first time posting on here!
I’ve had enough advice from people my age (mid 20’s) so I thought it could be useful to get the perspective of some step parents!

Long story short; I’ve tried everything to be more than strangers with my step mum and nothing works, she isolates me from my father and I’m sick and tired of the “she just doesn’t think” excuse.

My step mother is in her early 30’s and met my father ( 55) when she was 22. They’ve been together since, got married and had 2 wonderful children aged 4 and 2.

For context, I work full time in a corporate job, they both work for their own firm locally and manage hours together for childcare reasons. They also have 6 family members that live locally and regularly support with childcare all the time - they truly do have a village.

I have always been super close to my father, we have always got on really well. My parents split up when I was 15 and I have been estranged from my mother pretty much ever since due to her addiction problems. I have no other family but am lucky enough to have multiple lovely close friends.

I have been in therapy consistently since and have made so much progress, I tried therapy with my mother who rejected it, but did go to therapy for a bit with my father and step mum due to communication issues.

I feel like since, nothing has really changed. I have lived in their house, close by, in another city and country over the past 7 years and still feel like she is a stranger to me.

We have never done anything alone despite me asking or inviting her, never call or text, I feel like a liability and she just doesn’t want me in their lives when I’m around for Christmas, birthdays etc. She’s an instagram addict, very image obsessed and I don’t think a 20 something step daughter fits in with the whole “I married a rich older man and have two perfect kids” aesthetic.

So, for some background;

When I call my dad for a catch up the kids are always interrupting, as kids do, and she never entertains them or considers I’m trying to speak to my dad once a week or so.

She cannot and has not spent a single night alone with even one of her kids without either her mother or sisters there. My dad does this all the time when she has social plans etc.
This means whenever I have to try and plan something with him, it’s always a big issue of checking to make sure someone can help her look after them. I’ve lived with them and have managed to do it when they’ve gone out, but she can’t manage? They’re really easy kids that are pretty well behaved.

I recently lived there for 3 months due to a visa issue and I had to beg my father multiple times to just spend one day with him alone - it’s like he’s nervous to ask her.

I’ve opened up to my dad about how I feel like I barely get any time with him and he always brings up about how stressed he is, how much he’s doing with the kids because she can’t do any of it alone (getting them to sleep, bath time, dinner) and that’s just our reality whilst the kids our young.

I haven’t said this yet but I feel like saying “this is going to probably be the case for at least another 10 years, by then I’ll be in my mid thirties with my own husband and kid, do I not get a relationship with my father until then?”

They also almost split up recently as my dad had a hunch she was cheating, she kept turning off her location and claiming it was glitching, amongst other things. I was at home during this time and literally therapised them both, supported her told her as much as he’s my father I will still support her as girls have to look out for each other and I didn’t think there was sufficient proof at all.

Since this, I’ve seen her like multiple suspicions things on instagram 🫠

1 Example; From a sad relationship quote page

”Are we dating? No.
Do we talk? Yes
Do like u? Yes
Do u like me? Idk
Do I think abt u? Yes
Do u think abt me? Maybe
Would I wait for you? Ofc
Any chance?
I am the only one stopping it”

I haven’t told my dad this as I don’t think it will do anything right now.

What has pushed me over the edge to post this now, is my grandmother (dad’s mum) just passed away, and I haven’t had a single bit of communication with her. She’s not text to see how I’m doing, or to tell me about how my dad is getting on etc. I think this is pure insanity, I just spent 3 months of my life helping their marriage not end, holding her whilst she cries, and this is the way I get repaid in support.

🫠

my therapist thinks it’s just who she is and that I can’t hold her to the same standards that I hold myself, but I think this is like bare bottom decency, let alone from a step mum of 7 years?

Essentially what I’m asking is; where do I go from here? I’ve thought about approaching the subject kindly with her one on one instead of through my dad - but my therapist thinks she will see any sort of conversation as an attack and it could cause more problems.
I bring up a better schedule with my dad?
Talk to my dad honestly ?

Stop trying and see what happens?

Thank you all <3 Feel free to ask questions below too!

Oh dear.
I think you sound so caring and lovely.
You’re not going to break through to her, and you can’t force the relationship. She does sound quite shallow and troubled. You can’t fix that.
Maybe lower your expectations with her and sadly your dad. If all he can manage is lunch now and again, then do that. If he can only manage a few minutes on the phone, do that.
It sounds like the relationship doesn’t have what it takes to last, so maybe best to keep the relationship with your dad ticking over for now.

Awwww @AgileQuail95 im
so sorry you’re in this situation.
what I would say though is that the children at at a very full on, all consuming age. It really is exhausting parenting two under your.
perhaps she has had some anxiety or PPD so she needs a bit of extra support.
i think it may get better when the children are a bit older- but keep persevering.
could you go over and hang out either your Dad with the children?
I know you shouldn’t have to but it would mean you have time together.
i would just keep trying to be part of family time and family activities.

You sound lovely. You neec to stop trying. She's sounds awful you aren't going to make progress with her. Your dad needs to grow a backbone and stand up to her.

Thank you for commenting. Yes I think so, I currently live overseas and think I’ll never go back to the UK tbh. So I think I’m navigating that at the moment and the reality that I may have 0 parents that I’m close to. I think over the next month or so I’ll be considerate of my dad and then see how things go.

Thank you, that’s really kind. I agree, I do think it’s a him problem more than a her problem now. He’s my parent, she’s in her early 30’s and doesn’t really owe me much. I think I’m going to give my dad some grace for a while as his mums just passed, and then just focus on my dad and the kids and just leave her alone.

Hey, thank you for replying. Yes I do! As much as I can. I make a huge fuss of them and love them like they’re my own whilst understanding boundaries and not over stepping. I would truly do anything for those children. I think you’re right it may get easier. It’s just hard having needs for the past 10 years or so that haven’t been met by either parent, and made worse by a step mum. It’s weird because she herself has a step mum she struggled with and the close now. You’d think she’d learn from that and try to have the best relationship with a step daughter of her own. God I even did a huge speech at their wedding where I was my dads “best man” (not best woman as I thought it would be rude to her). That’s a big reason why I’m on here to be honest, I’m trying to read as much as I can from other women what her experience as a young mother of 2 is like so I can understand her more. But there becomes a point where you do just have to give up.

You poor this.
She sounds like a vacuous twit but that is her issue.
Your father is the problem.

A selfish creep who is an awful father.

You deserve so much better, but sadly your father is only concerned for himself.

Focus on yourself and step away from their awful marriage.

You cannot change either of them and it sounds as if they deserve each other.

Put your energy into yourself.
I doubt she will stick around.

I think you need to accept four things:

1. you cannot make people do what you think they should do. Just because you think it's the minimum decent behaviour, you have to accept that's your view on your head and she is free to do what she wants and thinks and that's ok.

2. she isn't your stepmother. She has never been in any kind of stepmother relationship to you. She is the woman who is married to your father. You cannot force a relationship with her just because you want it. She's allowed to want aomething different

3. many men kind of give up on their older children when they remarry and have a new family. It's tough and shit on the older kids but it's entirely normal

4. people want to spend time with people who are fun to be with. You seem very wrapped up in yourself and what you want, which is fine, but it may not deliver the results you want. So if you want to be closer to your dad or her - be fun, be lovely, be open, be easy going, be friendly, don't drag them to therapy - make being with you rewarding and a good use of their time.

sorry it's tough love I am afraid