Ex-stepparents: do you still keep in contact with the children?

[YeetFeet]

I’m separating from their dad because of his unreasonable behaviour, but I love the kids and have been in their lives for a long time. We have a child together too.

I’m torn between thinking a clean split is better, or wanting to remain in contact. They’re under 11 so no phones of their own.

My ex said he wanted to stay in touch. I said that he could but that i wouldn't be running after him for it and the kids obviously wouldn't because, you know, they're kids, but that i would facilitate any contact he arranged.

He sent the eldest a text in his birthday, a month after he left. He sent the youngest a card and a voucher on her birthday two months later.
He hasn't messaged either of them since then.

If you want a relationship with them then it's up to you to promote that, but be sure you can maintain it, because making promises you dont keep is worse.

My DH keeps in touch with his ex 2 DC. They now have kids and they call him Grandad. He said it was a struggle at the start as his ex left him for another man but it was aboutthe kids and he loved um. We baby sit, go to the kids party's and everything. My DC and them all get on. I talk to them weekly and they have added me to the family wats app group. Its all a bit weird on paper but it works. Theirs no easy answer. I think his ex was keen for him to keep a relationship as she wanted time with her new fella

If they are under 11 then it's for their parents (both their mum and their dad) to decide what's in their best interests. That may be to keep some kind of contact or it may be to have a clean break. It is not your call.

Do you have contact with their mum? Assuming her relationship with their dad ended with similar acrimony, you could start off with contacting her and saying "I feel like I owe you some kind of huge apology because now I have realised what an arsehole (Ex) is, it puts a totally different light on all our interactions. I wonder if we might be able to become friends having both survived his arseholery?" - if that friendship does develop then she might decide that her children would benefit from seeing you occasionally.

I am the child in this scenario.

My step mother was in my life for around 10 years-maybe a bit less.

That was about 40 years ago and we are still in touch.
Love her to bits.

I had been part of my stepdaughters life since she was 2. We split when she was 11. Within a week he introduced her to the woman he was having an affair with and told her to lie to me about it.

It has been HARD. I retained partial custody of her one night a fortnight on her dad's time (will full consent of her mum who I get on well with) and in the first few years i still took her on holiday with me and her brothers (my bio kids).

Last october (so 3 years post divorce) ex husband told me she didnt want to stay at mine any more. I believe it was his manipulation but shes very much a daddy's girl. She never actually told me she didnt want to come, he did.

Shes useless on her phone so I would text and get no reply. I was told she wants a relationship with me but one on one not with my kids there. Which is more than my own kids get and was essentially ex husband trying to control me because the only time my kids aren't here im with my partner so would miss time with him for stepdaughter.

It felt very much like I was a parent when there was something that needed paying for that her mum and dad can't afford and I can.

Its really hard. I love her as my own but she is being manipulated by ex as a mechanism of control. She is 15 now so I stay in touch by texting. I send her memes. I invite her to things if I think shes interested.

But he also put her in an impossible position by introducing the other woman so soon. Stepdaughter is lovely and kind and thinks well of everyone. I have no doubt she loves OW so felt disloyal to both of us in the end.

To answer your question, I am in touch, its hard to maintain and evolves with age. And if your ex is a dick they will make it harder than it needs to be!

I’m the child in this situation (now an adult). I still keep in touch with my ex step-mum. She and my dad were married for years and split when I was 15. They lived in Scotland (I’m north west England) and she was always very much the mum in that house when we were there. We were very close. I would have been really upset if she had cut me off when they split. All my siblings still keep in touch with her.

it would have been more difficult tho if we were younger when they split. The fact we were teenagers meant we could communicate with her without it needing any involvement from our parents. She is also mum to my youngest sister so we had that as a reason if anyone had questioned us continuing the relationship with her

do you have any sort it relationship with their mum that you could still see them via her

Realistically I’ll be living over an hour away with my own two small children, and I’m struggling to think of examples of times it’d be appropriate to see them. I would probably struggle to look after them all alone.

I get on fine with their mum, but she’s got a busy life too.

The oldest is getting a phone soon, so maybe that’d make things easier with her.

I have lived full time with my step son for 7 years. I really couldn't think of not seeing him if anything happened between his dad and I.

I have a friend who doesn't see her adult step child after re-marrying. It blows my mind. She was basically her mum for 20 years as her actual mum wasn't in the picture.

My step children are now practically adults so if definitely stay in touch if me and DH spilt now. Realistically though I can't see how it would have been possible if we had spilt up when they were little, especially if the spilt had been acrimonious. I doubt many mother's would want the hassle of arranging contact with an ex of their ex!

Definitely, but my ex (their dad) left me with the kids!! He sees them once a month, they go the their mum once a month (she left them with their dad) - and they are with me the rest of the time!

don't do this, it would be extremely weird and create drama

No. Ex didn’t want me to and as I left him I respected his decision.