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Step-parenting

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Original poster

At my wits end and can’t think straight

73 replies

dingdongdoo89 · 07/07/2026 11:08

I have a DS14 who lives with me and DP full time and DP has DS10 who lives in a different country so spends school holidays here.
DSS has clear ADHD and I’m finding the time he is here really challenging. He has a very strict life with his DM - absolutely no screens, very strict 8pm bedtime, very strict diet of no sugar etc. DP believes this is far too rigid so when he is here it’s the complete opposite - no limits on any of these things. Big packets of haribo every day, late nights and constant screen time.
He is a lovely boy but very full on. If he doesn’t have a screen he is completely wild. My DS makes a real effort with him but they are different ages and DS likes his own space. DSS is constantly bursting into his room even though he’s given him lots of attention prior. With me he’s constantly burping in my face, he won’t listen to DP at all, he’s up past 11pm on his Switch being loud even though DP knows I will be up at 4.45am with the dogs. But DP doesn’t like to come down hard on him because he’s only here a short time in the grand scheme of things.
last night I reached my limit. It was gone midnight by the time I was in bed. I had been asking DP for an hour to get DSS off to bed as everyone was exhausted. But it’s as if I just have to tolerate it.
I work full time and just keep panicking about what it would be like if DSS was here permanently - something that he would love. Rightly or wrongly I told DP thing morning that DS is going into his GSCE years and it would be completely unfair for him if DSS was here on a permanent basis and that was the chaos we had to live in. The house is an absolute mess and it’s me that does the majority of the cleaning, mowing grass, laundry etc. It may just be the tiredness but am I a terrible person for saying I couldn’t have this chaos permanently? It’s not DSS fault, I know that. And I’m very loving and kind to him, take him places, treat him etc. DP is obviously really angry with what I’ve said.

OP posts:
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Bonkers1966 · 07/07/2026 11:14

None of this sounds like your fault, OP. Let that man be angry.

muggart · 07/07/2026 11:14

Your DP is mistreating his son. Clearly the ex wife’s “strictness” is there to help DSS manage his ADHD symptoms. Im sure she’d love to stick him in front of a screen and feed him pre packaged foods. But she doesn’t because look what happens when your DP does that- the poor kid doesn’t cope.

Your DP is a neglectful waste of space.

MrSchubertWhiskers · 07/07/2026 11:15

Agree with both posts above

WonderingWhetherToHaveABurgerOrChips · 07/07/2026 11:16

Your DP is an awful parent.

AnonymityAnonymity · 07/07/2026 11:17

Your DP is not doing his DS any favours by allowing him to do just what he wants. And if he has ADHD unlimited screen time and big bags of sugary foods are absolutely the opposite of what he needs for regulated behaviour. And it is totally unfair on you and your DS to expect your lives to be turned upside down in this way.
If rational discussion with your DP won't make him see hus method of parenting is detrimental for his son then honestly I think you should rethink your relationship because things are only going to get worse.

Thundertoast · 07/07/2026 11:18

Your DH is a terrible parent - even if he thinks his ex is too strict, how does he justify going completely in the opposite direction when there's SO MUCH RESEARCH into how harmful it can be for kids?

herbalteabag · 07/07/2026 11:19

You're not being unreasonable at all - it sounds very stressful and no way would I be able to cope in that situation if I had to get up at 4.45! I don't think your DH is doing his son any favours by letting him do whatever he likes, and nobody needs any Haribos.

fluffiphlox · 07/07/2026 11:19

Well I think you need to get together with this boy’s mater and tell her what’s happening and that you’re on her side.
Your husband is useless in this regard.

DontGoChasinWaterfalls · 07/07/2026 11:22

Your DP is a terrible parent. The poor boys mother too, the effort she must go to to implement such a routine just to have it destroyed when he sees dad.

OneNaiceSnail · 07/07/2026 11:22

I feel so sorry for dss mum. All
that hard work she puts in to help regulate his behaviour just for your oh to shit all over it and undo it all in the short time he has him. I’m actually so angry on her behalf. Your dh is a complete waste of space and a shit dad.

Francestein · 07/07/2026 11:25

Your DP is a selfish prick who is taking the easy way out with his kid for “likes” and to avoid putting any actual effort in. This is absolutely not a problem with the kid but the dad. I would assume that he is like this in other areas and is probably a lazy shit of a partner too. Really thing about whether this is what you want for your future.

TFImBackIn · 07/07/2026 11:28

I really feel for the boy's mum - she puts in all that effort - and it must be incredibly hard to stay on top of everything (which is why your lazy arse husband can't be bothered to do it) and then he fucks it up every single time his son lives with him.

Honestly, I'd be off. It's not good for your son to live with your step son. I can't see that your husband is a good partner to you or a good step parent to your son.

Original poster
dingdongdoo89 · 07/07/2026 11:36

He does love DSS dearly and the lack of restrictions is through guilt at him being so restricted at home. But I can honestly see now why she has to. Am I a terrible person for saying to my DP I couldn’t have him here on a permanent basis if it came to that? It’s more for the sake of my DS who is going into year 10 and I want him to have the calm needed for that. I don’t want him to be unhappy at home. By all means in 2 years time I may feel differently after GCSEs

OP posts:
MrSchubertWhiskers · 07/07/2026 11:37

I really feel for the boy's mum - she puts in all that effort - and it must be incredibly hard to stay on top of everything (which is why your lazy arse husband can't be bothered to do it) and then he fucks it up every single time his son lives with him.

The op is probably rightfully dreading the time when her step son decides he wants to live with them full time because he can do what he want there.

She's totally right to put her foot down - the father needs to introduce a strict routine.

Original poster
dingdongdoo89 · 07/07/2026 11:38

Also my DS loves this home and it would really upset him to have to move if it came to that. It just feels like a big mess

OP posts:
Caramac045 · 07/07/2026 11:39

Your DP is being the most terrible parent. His poor son already struggles to regulate and the regime his mum has in place supports him and doesn’t deprive him.
If he were diabetic would your DP load him with sugar?
All children need boundaries and need adults in their life to make/guide/support decisions in the best interests of the child.
I bet DP’s ex thoroughly hates him for indulging their child - to the child’s detriment and also you and your son.
He needs to educate himself about ADHD and stop being an utter cock.

herbalteabag · 07/07/2026 11:39

dingdongdoo89 · 07/07/2026 11:36

He does love DSS dearly and the lack of restrictions is through guilt at him being so restricted at home. But I can honestly see now why she has to. Am I a terrible person for saying to my DP I couldn’t have him here on a permanent basis if it came to that? It’s more for the sake of my DS who is going into year 10 and I want him to have the calm needed for that. I don’t want him to be unhappy at home. By all means in 2 years time I may feel differently after GCSEs

No, you're not terrible to say that because it is true - and if it did come to him living with you, it wouldn't be able to happen without significant changes. But the changes would be in his interests anyway, it's your DH fault for not addressing it.

Gardenisablooming · 07/07/2026 11:39

Totally not fair for subjecting your ds to live with a man who can't parent his own dc..
And stop being the maid. He can do his and dss's laundry.

MrSchubertWhiskers · 07/07/2026 11:39

Then you need to lay it out for your partner, @dingdongdoo89

He's harming his son by being so lax and risking his relationship with you.

loveawineloveacrisp · 07/07/2026 11:41

OneNaiceSnail · 07/07/2026 11:22

I feel so sorry for dss mum. All
that hard work she puts in to help regulate his behaviour just for your oh to shit all over it and undo it all in the short time he has him. I’m actually so angry on her behalf. Your dh is a complete waste of space and a shit dad.

This.

Also, why are you subjecting your poor son to this? I wouldn't move my kids in with another man's kids in these circumstances.

Daleksatemyshed · 07/07/2026 11:41

Your DP says it's because he hardly sees his DS but he's being very unfair, to his DS, his Ex and you and your DS. I'm afraid he won't want to change but your DSS living with his Dad full time would be a disaster especially for the boy. If it happens I'd move out Op, you'll end up picking up even more of the work

Gardenisablooming · 07/07/2026 11:43

He is actually abusing his ds forcing that much crap down his neck..

muggart · 07/07/2026 11:46

dingdongdoo89 · 07/07/2026 11:36

He does love DSS dearly and the lack of restrictions is through guilt at him being so restricted at home. But I can honestly see now why she has to. Am I a terrible person for saying to my DP I couldn’t have him here on a permanent basis if it came to that? It’s more for the sake of my DS who is going into year 10 and I want him to have the calm needed for that. I don’t want him to be unhappy at home. By all means in 2 years time I may feel differently after GCSEs

You aren’t a terrible person at all and you are being way too charitable towards your DP - it’s outrageous that he has attempted to make you feel bad when you are the one clearing up after his son. DP should be doing any extra work that comes with his son’s visits. you have gone above and beyond and as a result your partner is using your kind nature to manipulate you.

I think you need to match his manipulative approach. Explain that you love DSS and want what is best for him. You know how much DP loves his son and that means he will step up and set a good example- DP willl be tidying up, cutting out the junk food and enforcing a strict bedtime. You would love Dss to stay full time but only if it is what is best for DSS - so if DP can successfully mimic his ex wife’s routine then you will support him.

trust me he won’t do it because he is lazy and selfish.

CombatBarbie · 07/07/2026 11:46

Jesus, no wonder hes wild. Its a DP problem you know that. He needs to restrict the garbage food and screen time asap. Is DSS medicated at all, sleep etc? His mother must go loopy when she gets him back into the "rigid routine"

Peridot1 · 07/07/2026 11:47

Why is it likely that your DSS might end up with you full time? Surely his mother has some say?

And have you told your DP he is being a shit parent? He is not doing his son any favours.