At my wits end and can’t think straight

[dingdongdoo89]

I have a DS14 who lives with me and DP full time and DP has DS10 who lives in a different country so spends school holidays here.
DSS has clear ADHD and I’m finding the time he is here really challenging. He has a very strict life with his DM - absolutely no screens, very strict 8pm bedtime, very strict diet of no sugar etc. DP believes this is far too rigid so when he is here it’s the complete opposite - no limits on any of these things. Big packets of haribo every day, late nights and constant screen time.
He is a lovely boy but very full on. If he doesn’t have a screen he is completely wild. My DS makes a real effort with him but they are different ages and DS likes his own space. DSS is constantly bursting into his room even though he’s given him lots of attention prior. With me he’s constantly burping in my face, he won’t listen to DP at all, he’s up past 11pm on his Switch being loud even though DP knows I will be up at 4.45am with the dogs. But DP doesn’t like to come down hard on him because he’s only here a short time in the grand scheme of things.
last night I reached my limit. It was gone midnight by the time I was in bed. I had been asking DP for an hour to get DSS off to bed as everyone was exhausted. But it’s as if I just have to tolerate it.
I work full time and just keep panicking about what it would be like if DSS was here permanently - something that he would love. Rightly or wrongly I told DP thing morning that DS is going into his GSCE years and it would be completely unfair for him if DSS was here on a permanent basis and that was the chaos we had to live in. The house is an absolute mess and it’s me that does the majority of the cleaning, mowing grass, laundry etc. It may just be the tiredness but am I a terrible person for saying I couldn’t have this chaos permanently? It’s not DSS fault, I know that. And I’m very loving and kind to him, take him places, treat him etc. DP is obviously really angry with what I’ve said.

I think your best option is to leave op.
Your stupid partner won't be so keen to let his son run wild when he is the one who bears the full brunt of his behavior.
He's doing this because he wants to be the favorite parent and also because it gives him an opportunity to get back at his ex by sabotaging her hard work and efforts to improve her son's behaviour.
He is also destroying your son's chances of succeeding in education and by extension succeeding in life.

Your DP might love his son but he's a neglectful parent and a really selfish partner. No wonder his ex wife divorced him. When your poor DSS returns from his holidays she'll have to start from scratch. What a tool. Don't have children with this man!

Your DP doesn't love his son as much as he loves having an easy life for himself. What a selfish twat. His poor mother, not only does she have to keep him in a solid routine which must be hard work, she will have to go through the reintroduction every single time he returns.

Screens are an absolute 'no no' for ADHD kids - they feed addiction and these kids are very prone to it. I have a hyperactive 11 y.o. and I can see that. He is only allowed 30 min per day and I'd rather he watched Disney on TV rather than tablet. Also, no gaming.

I also feel angry on behalf of your DS, having to put up with this nonsense. Why would you subject him to this??

I was going to say the same. Huge empathy for the birth mother in all this. I can only imagine the shift she endures after every visit to his father.

And this is part of why this destructive man feels he can get away with this behavior; he knows you are not likely to leave because leaving will cause your son to be upset.
He thinks he has you trapped, that you have no choice but to stay there and tolerate this situation. He thinks he can get away with causing havoc but not bearing the full consequences of his neglectful and selfish actions.

Your husband is a shit parent. He is doing the lazy easy thing and not really parenting his son at all. He probably will demand to live with you at some point because he is not parented and can do what he wants. You are very right to worry.

Does your DP believe his son has ADHD Op, if so, how much research has he done into how best to bring him up? If he'd done any he'd know he's doing the worst thing possible, his boy needs calming, not screens and sugar. He wants to be the fun parent, poor old Mum gets to pick up the pieces

If your dp loved his son he would parent him properly. He is just lazy.
You need to be a decent parent and get you and your son out of this horrible situation.
You will have to figure out who owns what and get this sorted asap. Before your ds' gcses and life chances are wrecked. Do you own the house and pay for everything?

Well yes. Rather obviously you can’t ban a ten year old from his own home.

you are looking at this completely the wrong way as everyone is trying to tell you.

you are right in that this sounds utterly awful for you and your son and you should be thinking far more about what you are doing to him here.

the solution is not to ban the son!! That is beyond batshit and it’s crazy that that’s what you leap to.

the solution is to leave this utterly awful man whose laziness is ruining his son.

Then put your blooming son first!!!

honestly posts like this give me the rage.

stop forcing your child to be in this situation because you want a man!!

OP, I think you should try to be realistic about what's likely to happen in this situation.
You've tried to express your feelings to your partner and he has responded with anger.
Do you think there is any chance that he will come around, that he will start to see your point of view and change his behaviour?
If he isn't willing or able to change then you should leave.
If you don't leave then you will be letting him ruin your son's life as well as his son's life.
It sounds as if you're already doing far too much of the domestic work.

Whose house is it?

Stop being so focused on being liked by everyone and especially your DP. Can’t you see that he is ysing you and abusingly neglectful to his child and your child? Why do you accept this level of chaos as “love.” Its not. He is simply indulging himself and ruining two children’s lives in the bargain while expecting two women to do the heavy lifting.

You need to prioritise your son here. If your partner isn't going to parent his child properly, and you have no control over whether he does this or not, that means ending the relationship. Your partner does not have to agree that this is a reasonable course of action for it to be so.

He's your husband this child is his. It was always on the cards that you might end up living with him and when this child gets older and has more of a say, he will probably want to live with his useless dad. The time to think about yourself and your own child has gone, hasn't it? You obviously prioritised having a man over your child's wellbeing then and chose this life, what did you expect?

Now you can stay or you can cause more chaos leaving. Either way it's a mess and so, so unfair on the child you have. What was wrong with just dating till your children are older?

Agree

OP is yet another example of a woman that will subject her children to anything just to have a relationship - not to mention taking on all household chores but that at least doesn't impact the children

Have you tried sitting down calmly with DH to say that the completely unstructured approach is not working for his DS and the negative impact on his behaviour is not fair on everyone else.

Maybe you could try some generous screen time limits and ditching the haribo as a starting point.

There must be a middle ground it doesn't have to be as strict as at his mum's but you need some boundaries a bed time a turn off screes time, etc.

You have DH problem unfortunately. Undermining his ex partner so that he can seem like the “cool” parent. Completely to the detriment of his child - and of you.

No screens and an 8pm bedtime sounds ideal for a ten-year-old. I can also understand severely limiting sugar if it worsens his hyperactivity. Regardless, a giant pack of Haribo every day is completely unnecessary.

Has your DH ever thought that his ex has these parenting rules for their son for a reason??? And maybe he should try respecting them (and her)?

Why would you want to stay with someone who is such a shit parent?

I would guess the op won’t be back as the unanimous answers clearly hadn’t crossed her mind. The people pleaser response is the kindest one. Op, if you are still reading, I’m going to guess your life experiences have led you to a place where having a man, any man, is your ultimate priority. If you’ve got a man, you’ve made it. This simply isn’t true. There might possibly be more to think about logistically if you both live in his house, which he fully pays for, and allows you and your son to live a life you wouldn’t otherwise have. Is that it?

Spot on. Your DP is being a very poor parent...it must be a nightmare for DSS's mum to get him back on track after the visits.
Also, it sounds like you are doing more than your fair share.

this. My son is adhd and we could see from very young that tv was a challenge and kept it very minimal, kept sugar down and did healthy food. Your dh is letting guilt make him a shit dad. The poor mum having absolutely all the parenting responsibility.
id sit down with him and say im sorry I said that but we have to talk. I think you love him and mean well but your zero boundary approach is harming him as well as all of us. It’s not how to parent adhd children. He’s not coping. He needs to be asleep at a regular time. We need to speak to your ex about melatonin. We need healthy food and we need strong screen limits. And if you can’t do that I’m a parent and I can’t watch you do this to him. You can think about it for a week or two but then it’s your decision to step up as a parent or to call us a day and carry on letting your son down.