At my wits end and can’t think straight

[dingdongdoo89]

I have a DS14 who lives with me and DP full time and DP has DS10 who lives in a different country so spends school holidays here.
DSS has clear ADHD and I’m finding the time he is here really challenging. He has a very strict life with his DM - absolutely no screens, very strict 8pm bedtime, very strict diet of no sugar etc. DP believes this is far too rigid so when he is here it’s the complete opposite - no limits on any of these things. Big packets of haribo every day, late nights and constant screen time.
He is a lovely boy but very full on. If he doesn’t have a screen he is completely wild. My DS makes a real effort with him but they are different ages and DS likes his own space. DSS is constantly bursting into his room even though he’s given him lots of attention prior. With me he’s constantly burping in my face, he won’t listen to DP at all, he’s up past 11pm on his Switch being loud even though DP knows I will be up at 4.45am with the dogs. But DP doesn’t like to come down hard on him because he’s only here a short time in the grand scheme of things.
last night I reached my limit. It was gone midnight by the time I was in bed. I had been asking DP for an hour to get DSS off to bed as everyone was exhausted. But it’s as if I just have to tolerate it.
I work full time and just keep panicking about what it would be like if DSS was here permanently - something that he would love. Rightly or wrongly I told DP thing morning that DS is going into his GSCE years and it would be completely unfair for him if DSS was here on a permanent basis and that was the chaos we had to live in. The house is an absolute mess and it’s me that does the majority of the cleaning, mowing grass, laundry etc. It may just be the tiredness but am I a terrible person for saying I couldn’t have this chaos permanently? It’s not DSS fault, I know that. And I’m very loving and kind to him, take him places, treat him etc. DP is obviously really angry with what I’ve said.

OP, I think you worded it badly, but you are absolutely not being unreasonable to feel like this. Have another conversation with DP - he needs to understand the impact that his lack of boundaries is having on you and your DS.

Your DP is very unreasonable and a shit parent. There is a reason why you have to be strict about things with AuDHD, they need sleep but can’t do that if they are screened and sugared up!!

Honestly your DP is the issue and o feel bad for your DS and DSS.

So stop giving him Haribo and screens! He’s clearly not used to it, and it’s having a terrible effect, and he can’t regulate himself.

Your husband is under mining all the good work his ex has done with him. Get it back on track

Why are you living with this man? How is it in your son's best interests?

If you find such a bad parent attractive enough to keep dating him, secure your own property, financial independence and your son's peace and happiness.

Then date the boyfriend if you want.

Your DP is causing him to be like this.... he is reaping what he sows.

I think it's a bit mean to characterize the op as being desperate for a man.
She's a normal person who hopes to be in a mutually beneficial relationship, kind people are magnets for those who would exploit them. Soon you are trapped in a situation where you can't think straight and can't see which way is up.

DP is being a Disney dad.

Yes life at his mother's sounds super strict but there is a happy medium to be had.

As per all PPs, your DP is being a crap parent.

Thank you for all the replies and sorry if I don’t answer all the questions asked but to answer a few: we jointly own our home. Yes he does believe he has adhd. When incidents happen he puts it down to DSS’s ADHD but seems to think the strict parenting from DM isn’t for this reason. I would have no issues with DSS potentially living here permanently in the future if I could see DP trying harder to keep the chaos to a minimum. But instead I’ve had very little sleep over the last week and it’s giving me anxiety as to what this would permanently be like. DSS is at the age he can see DP is a soft touch and will get these things so that’s why I can see it happening. Although yes you’re right, DM would have a say and I doubt very much she would allow it. But as mentioned I’m sleep deprived and not thinking straight! No he isn’t medicated, DM is very against this.

Clearly his mother knows how to best manage his behaviour with strict no sugar and screens and lots of sleep. I’m sure she’s as mad as you that his dad abandons these helpful boundaries over summer. Relaxing rules is one thing but this is just refusing to parent.

You can carry on burying your head in the sand about the root of the problem as much as you want I guess op. It’s fairly unanimous on this thread that the root is the fact that your partner is selfish, lazy and a thoroughly pathetic parent. You didn’t address that though.Ignore that at your peril. My predictions are that the dss will get worse as he gets older and your own ds will leave your house as soon as he possibly can.

your dp can medicate his son while he’s with him and prove he needs it to his ex? It’s just replacing something that’s missing with adhd. It’s not “drugging him up” or anything and once it was exallained to me that I wouldn’t stop my child from having any other medication that he needs and I let
my kids try the meds it made life for them and everyone else much easier

Your partner is the very worst type of loser father.
Consumed by how he feels and what is easier for him.
He sends his son back to his poor mother a complete dis-regulated mess.

You are allowing this to happen and the chaos to impact your son.

Neither of you are good parents IMO.
Both putting yourselves first ahead of your children.
You should never have tolerated him bringing this chaos to your sons home.

How you can find such a man attractive and put him ahead of your son is beyond me.

Of course he is angry with you, he wants you docile and silent, allowing his loser parenting to go unchecked.

To answer your question, yes it is horrible of you to say that your step son can’t live with his father if that is what is needed. You moved in with a man with a child so you have already made the commitment to live with his son, even if circumstances mean you don’t have to at present. The only way to break the commitment you have made is by ending the relationship. However, you can insist on house rules like screens being off at a decent time. You have already chosen to risk your son being in a difficult position because of the step family you have chosen for him. If that was a mistake then you can’t rectify it at the expense of another child. I agree with others that your DP is behaving like a low quality babysitter rather than a parent, but you chose to live with him so you accept his child, even at a detriment to your own son, or you don’t live with him.

Why do you think his mom has these boundaries and such a strict routine? She’s doing him a favor, not harming him in any way. Your DP is a shit parent.

OP your update doesn't address what most of us are saying here.

Your DP is actively causing harm to his DS but your passivity is causing harm to yours.
As you were.

do you talk to his mum at all? It would be interesting to know her experiences - if the strict schedule is benefitting him and how his behaviour is there.

But really it doesn't matter. Your husband is a terrible parent and partner and you will absolutely end up living with this child when he's a teenager (presuming he's a British citizen?). You can't fix this, but you can stop being a part of it.

Ahhh reaping all the 'benefits' of being with a Disney Dad.

You are not wrong.

Yet another shit dad who weaponises his reluctance/inability to actually parent his child.

Let him be angry. He is doing his son a huge disservice by not at least partially adhering to his sons mothers rules. It’s turning your home into a circus and it will, I assume, be a nightmare for his mother when he returns home. You share a home and the chaos isn’t conducive to a calm environment nor is he considering those of you that live there permanently. There are rules that you can set such as not allowing SS to burst into your sons room.

This! There is a reason his mum is strict and it's not because she's an ogre. Your DH is an idiot, undoing all her hard work. For what?

He does love DSS dearly
No, he doesn't.

He loves being able to play the cool dad to DSS.
He loves the idea of getting back at his ex.
He loves the idea of being "dad" for a couple of weeks whilst not actually parenting his child and justifying it because his ex has a routine.
He's not doing it because he loves DSS and wants the best for him. He's doing it because he's lazy.

It sounds pretty shit for your DS having to live like this. I would be putting him first

My exh was a similarly crap df..his ds had DS amd no Full Level. He'd leave him with a 12 bag of crisps. Kept him quiet =less parenting he needed to do.

I refused to have a dc with him. Mind boggles how big an adult that dc ended up.