Opposite Gender Sharing Room With Non Resident Step Child

[kittykat112358]

Hi,

I am pregnant. We currently don't know the gender (little tyke wouldn't uncross their legs!). I have a non-resident step daughter who is 7 and visits every other weekend and half of the school holidays. During the holidays and some weekends with step daughter we go to her grandparents house, where there are plenty of spare bedrooms, and she has her own room, and her new sibling will have their own room.

I'm worried about room arrangements at home if the baby is a boy, as we only have one spare bedroom, and we can't ALWAYS go to their grandparents house.

As we have just moved here, the spare bedroom is full of our unpacked boxes, so my step daughter sleeps in the lounge when she visits, on a trundle bed with proper matress, and nobody enters until she is awake, as there is a different route through the house. Step daughters mother isn't happy with this, but it is the safest solution for now until the spare bedroom is cleared and made safe (lots and lots of stacked boxes, and we have already had a collapse in there. Door is alarmed for this reason and she doesn't enter), I have Hyperemesis Gravidarium and disabled, and my partner is working so it is taking time to unpack. We are working on this as fast as we can. We had to move from a 5 bedroom house, to a 2 bedroom house with 1 week to pack and 1 week to move everything, so as you can imagine, it is chaos!

Once bedroom is cleared, baby will be in with us and step daughter will be in spare room.

If the baby is a girl, wonderful when they are a bit older, they can hopefully share a bedroom. If the child is a boy however, I am unsure what to do. I know her mother wont be happy with them sharing a bedroom, despite during summer holidays with her mum, step daughter sleeping in the same bedroom as her male cousins of the same age and older for weeks on end, but apparently this is different because her mum knows those children so it is okay, but not okay for our child because she doesn't trust my partners judgement as a father.

The only options I can think of are

A: They both share a bedroom if they are comfortable with it. Seperate beds, opposite sides of the room. My step daughter wants a brother, and "wants to be a boy" and wants to share a bedroom with their new sibling, so I doubt she would feel uncomfortable, but we can see when she reaches that age what she is comfortable with, and it would be her choice and her fathers choice, not her mothers choice.

B: When step daughter reaches 10, baby will be 3 and baby sleeps in lounge, step daughter sleeps in babys room. This would be her mothers preference.

C: When step daughter reaches 10, baby will be 3 and sleeps in our bedroom, step daughter sleeps in babys room

D: They share a room but we hang heavy duty curtain rails and thick curtain to separate the room in to two halves so they both have privacy, or some other option of splitting the room, non permenant due to renting. This seems like the most logical solution, but will cause major conflict with step daughters mother.

E: When they are old enough one of them sleeps in our bedroom, and the other in the babys bedroom, and we sleep in the lounge on those weekends

F: Both children, and us stay in our bedroom, each with seperate beds. So it doesn't seem like favouritism, and her mother can't moan she is left alone at night with a boy. This seems like the most wild solution.

Further context:
She lives 300 mile round trip away, so sadly she doesn't get much time here. For reasons beyond our control, for at least the next good few years we can't move closer, as she lives in the most expensive area in the country. If we applied for a council house, due to her location it would likely not happen for decades, if at all, and as she is non-resident she wouldn't be taken in to account in the bedroom allocation either sadly, so this isn't an option.

Her mother expects us to have 2 extra bedrooms here, one for our step child, and one for her new sibling regardless of gender, which I would love to provide but we don't have that kind of money, especially as I am disabled. She expects us to get a council house and the council to allocate a bedroom to a non-resident step child, but as far as I can see the council don't allow for this, but she won't believe us. Am I right in thinking the council wont give our step child their own bedroom regardless of gender of their sibling, because they are non-resident?

Hopefully this wont be our situation forever, but for the time being - what would you say the best option is? I'm STRESSED. I want step daughter to be happy as well as everyone else to be happy with the arrangement but it seems I can't please everyone. I feel like a massive failure and I haven't even given birth yet. My partner just says "we will figure it out" but that doesn't help my anxiety.

Has anyone else been in a similar non-resident step child situation?

I forgot to add that step daughters mother says sleeping in the lounge is unsafe as it is downstairs and closer to burglars, she wants all children upstairs.

We live in a very overlooked street with many houses surrounding us, and low crime rates so i'm not concerned for older children to sleep down there, and kitchen is safe should a child stray in there. We are perfectly happy to sleep down there and the kids have the two bedrooms during step daughters weekends, when they are older.

Some context on why you moved from a 5-bed to a 2-bed would be helpful.

Can you give them the biggest room, and get a room divider bed? We got ours from funky bunk beds, and it’s custom made to go up to the ceiling to create the feel of two separate rooms.

I am new so I hope I am replying correctly. It was technically a 3 bed upstairs, with 2 lounges and a dining room downstairs as it was an old victorian house, so it served as a 5 bed + kitchen + lounge. We moved because our landlord wanted to sell our house and our neighbours houses and they came with very sizable gardens, to generate money for the new housing development and care home they are currently building. If we wanted re-housing, we had to move in a very short time frame to their available property. It was first come first served, and my neighbours were fully evicted via the courts as they refused to leave. It is reduced rate private housing (not council or housing association) so we didn't get much choice, or much legal protection. We were very lucky to have that much space in our old house as it wasn't our need at the time, it is just what they had spare at the time, alas they wanted to sell up.

No-fault evictions hadn't been abolished yet, or they wouldn't have been able to do it.

In my area in HA properties 2 children regardless of their sex, can share a room up to the age of 10. Also 2 children of the same sex can share a room up to the age of 16. I am assuming that if you have a boy, then after the age of 10, your step-daughter would require her own room. From what I can see there's no guidance on step-siblings or if one of the children doesn't live at the address all of the time.

From what I can see your step-daughter can share with your child, until she is 10, if that child is a boy, but then she'll need her own bedroom.

If your child is a girl, then your daughter can share with her step-sibling, until she is 16. Once your step-daughter reaches 16, she would then require her own bedroom.

You can't magic bedrooms. The only thing you could do, is to split the spare bedroom. I would say that initially your child stays in in your bedroom when your step-daughter visits, and she has the spare room to herself.

step daughters mother says sleeping in the lounge is unsafe as it is downstairs and closer to burglars, she wants all children upstairs

She doesn't get to call the shots on things like this. It's your house and provided you've made decisions that are reasonable and suitable for the children she can't make these demands, just as you wouldn't be able to of her.

You may have a girl, in which case none of this will be necessary!

Either this or non-permenantly splitting the room, such as with temp walls and sliding doors is my preference. It is the biggest room so will comfortably fit two sets of furniture, regardless of if they both sleep in there or not, so it could be split so they each have their own area regardless of if they both sleep in there. She loves Spiderman so i'm sure decoration preferences wont be an issue haha.

I don't want resident child to feel pushed aside when their half sibling visits, but I also want my step child to feel she has her own privacy and space.

Their dad doesn't seem to be panicking, so perhaps I just leave this to him. I want to magic up a solution and I can't until the time.

Mad to make a 7 year old do a 300 mile round trip every other weekend.

I think the age gap is too big to expect them to share.

I think in the short term move the ‘resident child’ into a travel cot in your bedroom when ‘non-resident’ child
visits.

And for the longer term - look for a three bed. There is a risk she will stop wanting to come if she doesn’t feel
comfortable / have a proper bedroom.

I suggest you stop interacting with step-daughter's mother and leave all interactions to your partner. That will relieve 90% of your stress. You don't have to fix this for about a year minimum. Let partner suggest a solution in his own time.

Why has he moved 300 miles away from his daughter?

OP I hope you feel a bit better soon. Being unwell during pregnancy is horrible I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. What I’d do right now is just concentrate on the room you DO have. Try get it cleared . Maybe your partner could take some annual leave and get stuck in. I’d prioritise that. Get that done and create a space for your step daughter. Tackle the tasks that right now are within your control. Due to Covid and DH all of a sudden needing a home office I ended up not moving my third DC out of our room until after she turned one. Not ideal but it was what it was. In the meantime you can apply for council housing (no harm in applying) or even look for alternative long term accommodation. Right now concentrate on your pregnancy and enjoying spending time with your DH and stepdaughter. Don’t get dragged into drama about bedrooms when your child isn’t here yet.

He didn't. She moved in with somebody who already had a house there, to the most expensive city in the country, and he couldn't afford to follow. She was due to move even further away back to her home town, but then she moved there instead. It could still be on the cards a move back to her home town, she hasn't ruled it out. So as you can imagine, nothing feels permenant and everything feels up in the air!

Once our unexpected but loved surprise arrives, and they go to school, we can't be moving them around the country and constantly changing schools to follow his daughters mother, so we will be in a tough predicament. Maybe i'm worrying about the wrong things, too soon.

He could have got a preventative steps court order to prevent his child being moved so far away, why did he choose not to?

Leave it for your boyfriend to figure out, he can put his eldests child's bed where he thinks is best.

If your child is a girl, then your daughter can share with her step-sibling, until she is 16. Once your step-daughter reaches 16, she would then require her own bedroom.

Nonsense. That might be how your particular HA chooses to manage things, but there is no requirement for same sex siblings over 16 in privately rented or privately owned housing to have their own room.

Well firstly regardless of gender very few babies sleep through the night in the same way a 7 year old does for quite a while.

if they do go in together once the 7 year old has experienced the first night with 37 wake ups between 9pm and when the baby gets up for the day at 4:30 am she’ll probably want the lounge instead.

If you read my post it stated HA. I'm not talking about privately rented properties or someone's owned home. The OP mentioned about council housing/HA rules. Give me some credit as a grown adult for some common sense!

I would just keep the arrangements as they are. SD is only there every other weekend, so 4 nights out of 30.

This

Were you pregnant when you moved? I'm struggling to understand why you didnt just find a 3-bed?

IMO it's unrealistic to expect a 7 year / 8 year old to share with a tiny baby. Babies wake A LOT. Babies are unsettled A LOT. Babies have different sleep patterns also. I would think the baby will be in your room probably until aged 2 or 3 whenever the stepchild is over.

In the short term your partner absolutely needs to prioritise sorting out the bedroom for his daughter. It's not a spare bedroom like you keep calling it. It's her bedroom.

Option c

Don’t change a thing. When SD stays at yours, she can continue to have a nice little den down stairs. If mum isn’t happy, she can take your DP to court.
Make it clear you DP needs to get his arse in gear with the spare room before the baby arrives though, it will be way way harder after the birth. And let him handle the communication with his ex.

Well the first and only priority for now is to get your stepdaughters room sorted out. Appreciate it’s a lot to get done but that situation needs to be resolved.

From then I think you have plenty of time before it becomes an issue - and like you said things might change again anyway. You can have the baby in with you for years yet and assess when that becomes an issue. I really recommend you focus your worries on the shorter term for now. Can anyone help with the bedroom? Friends or family?

Can you pay for a home organisation service to come and help you with the stuff in the spare room? That's the immediate problem. We are a household of neurodiverse people who all suffer from task paralysis and we have a magic organising lady who comes once a month and helps us to keep the house from spiralling into chaos. Someone like her would help you. You need to get to the point of having a second usable bedroom ASAP.

Longer term, there isn't going to be a problem for many years yet. Your baby of either sex will have their own room most of the time and when big sis comes to stay she or he can come and sleep in your room - a little ready-bed like www.boots.com/bluey-bedtime-my-first-ready-bed-10378867 or similar will be fine up to age 5 or so. With an 8 year age gap (assuming the due date isn't for a while yet) the two kids are unlikely to be happy sharing a bedroom for long no matter what sex - obviously they can't share while the baby is little and unsettled in the night, and by the time the little one is old enough to share, the older one will have reached the stage at which she really needs more privacy and shouldn't have to share if you can possibly help it - but there is so much time before your little one is too big for a ready-bed in your room that it's silly to worry about it now. If you are lucky you might have a short sweet-spot where they are happy to share for a year or two but a teenage StepDaughter will stop coming to stay if she has to share with a little kid. But - it might be that by then you are in a position to upgrade to a slightly larger house - and worrying about that eventuality while you are still pregnant is ridiculous. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

You don't want the father of your child to be a shit dad to his older child, because what goes around comes around and he will be just as shit to his younger child if he decides that being a shit dad is acceptable. But it's HIS responsibility to work hard and earn what is needed to support and house both his children - NOT yours.

Just concentrate on getting the room cleared for the child that exists now. Why is your DH not doing this after work? You could hire a lock up for a month to store all the stuff. I've moved house many times as a single parent and every time I worked Into the night to sort the property for my child, starting on his bedroom. I redecorated my current house entirely in 5 weeks whilst working full time. Your DH needs to get a move on with that.
Longer term you'll need a bigger property if the children are opposite sex but that is years down the line as new baby can sleep in with you.

Most of the time she only stays Saturday night, due to school routine etc. We go to her grandads house quite frequently, as well as her other grandparents, so the absolute maximum she is at our house is 2 nights per month, but on average she only really stays one night every couple of months. She is really close with my partners brothers children who live really close to her grandad so all the kids spend most holidays and weekends at their grandads house together. I think I’m worrying too early and need to see what our routine will become.