Opposite Gender Sharing Room With Non Resident Step Child

[kittykat112358]

Hi,

I am pregnant. We currently don't know the gender (little tyke wouldn't uncross their legs!). I have a non-resident step daughter who is 7 and visits every other weekend and half of the school holidays. During the holidays and some weekends with step daughter we go to her grandparents house, where there are plenty of spare bedrooms, and she has her own room, and her new sibling will have their own room.

I'm worried about room arrangements at home if the baby is a boy, as we only have one spare bedroom, and we can't ALWAYS go to their grandparents house.

As we have just moved here, the spare bedroom is full of our unpacked boxes, so my step daughter sleeps in the lounge when she visits, on a trundle bed with proper matress, and nobody enters until she is awake, as there is a different route through the house. Step daughters mother isn't happy with this, but it is the safest solution for now until the spare bedroom is cleared and made safe (lots and lots of stacked boxes, and we have already had a collapse in there. Door is alarmed for this reason and she doesn't enter), I have Hyperemesis Gravidarium and disabled, and my partner is working so it is taking time to unpack. We are working on this as fast as we can. We had to move from a 5 bedroom house, to a 2 bedroom house with 1 week to pack and 1 week to move everything, so as you can imagine, it is chaos!

Once bedroom is cleared, baby will be in with us and step daughter will be in spare room.

If the baby is a girl, wonderful when they are a bit older, they can hopefully share a bedroom. If the child is a boy however, I am unsure what to do. I know her mother wont be happy with them sharing a bedroom, despite during summer holidays with her mum, step daughter sleeping in the same bedroom as her male cousins of the same age and older for weeks on end, but apparently this is different because her mum knows those children so it is okay, but not okay for our child because she doesn't trust my partners judgement as a father.

The only options I can think of are

A: They both share a bedroom if they are comfortable with it. Seperate beds, opposite sides of the room. My step daughter wants a brother, and "wants to be a boy" and wants to share a bedroom with their new sibling, so I doubt she would feel uncomfortable, but we can see when she reaches that age what she is comfortable with, and it would be her choice and her fathers choice, not her mothers choice.

B: When step daughter reaches 10, baby will be 3 and baby sleeps in lounge, step daughter sleeps in babys room. This would be her mothers preference.

C: When step daughter reaches 10, baby will be 3 and sleeps in our bedroom, step daughter sleeps in babys room

D: They share a room but we hang heavy duty curtain rails and thick curtain to separate the room in to two halves so they both have privacy, or some other option of splitting the room, non permenant due to renting. This seems like the most logical solution, but will cause major conflict with step daughters mother.

E: When they are old enough one of them sleeps in our bedroom, and the other in the babys bedroom, and we sleep in the lounge on those weekends

F: Both children, and us stay in our bedroom, each with seperate beds. So it doesn't seem like favouritism, and her mother can't moan she is left alone at night with a boy. This seems like the most wild solution.

Further context:
She lives 300 mile round trip away, so sadly she doesn't get much time here. For reasons beyond our control, for at least the next good few years we can't move closer, as she lives in the most expensive area in the country. If we applied for a council house, due to her location it would likely not happen for decades, if at all, and as she is non-resident she wouldn't be taken in to account in the bedroom allocation either sadly, so this isn't an option.

Her mother expects us to have 2 extra bedrooms here, one for our step child, and one for her new sibling regardless of gender, which I would love to provide but we don't have that kind of money, especially as I am disabled. She expects us to get a council house and the council to allocate a bedroom to a non-resident step child, but as far as I can see the council don't allow for this, but she won't believe us. Am I right in thinking the council wont give our step child their own bedroom regardless of gender of their sibling, because they are non-resident?

Hopefully this wont be our situation forever, but for the time being - what would you say the best option is? I'm STRESSED. I want step daughter to be happy as well as everyone else to be happy with the arrangement but it seems I can't please everyone. I feel like a massive failure and I haven't even given birth yet. My partner just says "we will figure it out" but that doesn't help my anxiety.

Has anyone else been in a similar non-resident step child situation?

TBH its only on MN that I have read that every child needs their own bedroom, double bed of course and if my chance they do have to share with same sex - a study needs to be provided

When me and DH got together I had a one bedroom flat, His son and daughter stayed for 2 weeks at a time, sharing the bed with dad and I slept on the sofa

Then we bought a 2 bedroom, they shared a room, till it became obvious it couldn't go on, so a sofa bed in the living room sufficed

Let mum believe what she wants to believe , you just pay what you can afford to pay, be that rented or mortgage

My granddaughter (12 ) shares a room with Grandson ( 5) when they stay here. GS won't settle alone and GD is fine, as long as there in a lock on the door so she can dress in peace

That’s the plan so far, my partner has booked time off work so we can get it done. It doesn’t help that most of the time my step daughter is with us, we are at her grandads house. On average she is only really at our house one night every couple of months. My brother in laws children spend most weekends and holidays at their grandparents house, so we opt to go there so the kids can be together which means we are hardly ever here with her - perhaps that is why my partner isn’t panicking like I am. We have a few years to figure it out yet and who knows what the future holds. If our child is a boy, the boy and I could go to my dad’s house for some of the weekends my step daughter visits. It gives her a room to herself and gives them some Dad/Daughter bonding time too. Grandparents are so important, I wouldn’t want a new baby coming along to change anything about the time they get together. I think my partner not worrying about it made me panic even more, but like he pointed out to me, we aren’t here with her all that much. She views her bedroom and her second home as her grandparents house which is lovely, I’d just like to make sure she has space here at our house too.

So the mothers concern isnt her daughters privacy so much as the sexual danger posed by your infant child? Because she doesn't trust your DH as a parent? Did I read that right?

I know, it is wild. Not the wildest thing she has ever said or done however. Shes a heavy smoker and once tried to say she read online that meat based gravy causes cancer and their child isn’t allowed it. But her child regularly sees mum smoke.

For one night a month, or every coupe of months, I would not be overly worried about creating a bedroom.

She wants to share with the baby. Let her do so - I'm betting she'll be asking to go back to the lounge and sleep!

We are having a GIRL!!

They are siblings they’ll be fine! Once she hits puberty you might have to just move him in with you on the nights that she stays.

Ps you sound like a really lovely step mum. Congratulations on your baby and stop worrying about this focus on your own health and wellbeing now 😊

Don’t overthink it, your stepdaughter is a visitor, not a permanent resident of your house. She can bunk in with your child. It’s not her home at all.

Well it should he even if she rarely sleeps there. It's her Dad's home. Anything could change and she could be I with them permanently. She's not some kid who pops round occasionall

Congrats. Honedtly, just ignore the SM, let DH deal with it, tell him to get his finger out and sort the second bedroom and enjoy these last weeks of relative peace.

Exactly this. Why are so many existing children not thought of at all when a new one comes along!

Girl in lounge, boy in his own room.

Firstly, u need to sort that room for your step daughter no excuses , its disgusting she hasn't got a bedroom in her dad's house , baby will be in with you for a year anyway and then they can share

She sleeps there one to two nights a month as it is. If that changes, they can move house or rearrange bedrooms. The three people who actually live there sharing one room whilst another sits empty almost every night is idiocy.

No. The child's Dad does. Not her disabled heavily pregnant step mother.

The only person who thinks it should sit empty is the girls Mom and I think we all agree she's unreasonable.
However sharing a room with her little sister doesn't mean it shouldn't be her home too.

A lady I work with has a 3 bed house with her husband and they have a girl age 3, baby boy 1 (in the smallest room) and he has a daughter who is 14 nearly 15

His daughter hates sharing with her 3 year old sister and not having her own space and is meant to go every Wednesday night to sleep over and then alternative Friday, Saturday and Sunday (3 nights) before school on Mondays

She now goes for tea after school on a Wednesday and never sleeps over on a Wednesday and some weeks doesn’t even do that If she’s got something else on (sports practice/ school play rehearsal) and as for the weekends she now tends to go for maybe afew hours but RARELY stops over as it’s just not what she wants.

Before the baby came she had her own room now feels pushed out and my colleague said she’s not putting her ds1 in with dd2 because ds1 would wake her up!!!

Its a horrible situation - you need to prioritise sorting those boxes out, 10 at a time - open them up and work out what your keeping and make the room ready for DSD

in terms of when baby comes, in with you to start with then I really feel you need a 3 bed if you want her to feel comfortable and welcome, otherwise you’ll have an issue like my colleague.

What do you propose they do
about the 300 mile round trip?

theres a few
judgy comments on this
post. I know someone that tried to
do this and it is
really not that easy!

Congratulations OP sickness is the worst in pregnancy.
i honestly think thst you need to park this you have 10 years to worry about another bedroom. The Ex is just having a bit of a power moment and being unreasonable probably bit miffed at her ex having another child. Lets hope her new partner makes her happy and she calms done. Quote doesnt need second bedroom to child is 10 and that you action it much nearer the time and repeat.
you sound lovely being concerned about your SD and she is excited about the baby. Just concentrate on her and your relationship and it will be great. Unfortunately the ex may always be unreasonable you just need to get better at handling her demands.
i am sorry that she has made you get anxious about a situation that might never happen as who knows where you be living in 10 years you have 20 bedrooms and won the lottery x

Baby shares with you until you can afford three bedrooms. Personally I think that kind of age gap is going to be difficult to share even if they are the same sex. An into everything toddler and a preteen is just tricky.
Plenty of people keep their little ones in their room for w hole. Presumably you’re making plans to accommodate both your children in the long run. It’s okay if little one is in with you for a few years.

I can’t help thinking you are prob being over anxious due to your pregnancy and possibly your ex partner being interfering.Stop and enjoy your pregnancy, worrying about which room they’ll sleep in is years from now anything could change within that time . Try and sort your house out after your previous move and enjoy your lovely surprise baby and stepdaughters time together .

I think sharing a room is fine for several years. I think the age difference would cause more problems than a gender difference, they will have very different sleep patterns and behaviour as time goes on.
I shared with my brother (five years younger than me) until he was 3. My DC shared until DS was 12 and DD was 9 - at which point it was about getting on each others' nerves and wanting privacy - but we couldn't afford to move so we turned the living room into a bedroom for us and gave DS our bedroom.
I think all you can do is see how things go a bit at a time, DD might prefer to sleep in a different room over time if she isn't there all the time.

Congratulations on expecting a girl.

You said DSD only stays 1 or 2 nights a month, yet you also mention that she has been sleeping downstairs when she comes, so it doesn't sound like you only moved a week or two ago. You currently have no children living with you. Your partner needs to get his finger out, unpack the boxes and set up a proper room for his daughter. I can't imagine why he'd need to book time off work to do this and it should have been a priority for the first time she came to stay. As another poster said, he could have prevented his ex moving far away with their daughter. Are you sure he's a good dad? He doesn't sound it.