Going on holiday without SS?

[RealMauveGoose]

'm seriously considering going away with just my biokids at the end of the month. Technically it's not a holiday, and more visiting my mother, but she lives near the coast and we'd stay at a caravan site.

My SS has been absolutely awful to my biokids lately, and thats in a large house. I dread him coming over. We've even had social involvement because of his lies (no further action). The caravan living area isn't much bigger than the living room at home. And they would all be in the same box room at bedtimes. Given how awful he's been to them, I can only imagine how much worse it would be in a cramped space and I don't want to do it.

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place though. DH doesn't want to miss our baby's first holiday, but says that going without SS isnt fair, even though SS has gone away without my BKs. But I feel like thats my only choice. Either he comes with us without SS, or he misses OBs first holiday.

It feels like our lives have been put on hold because of SS. We only do actual events when hes with us. The zoo, the cinema, soft play centers, boat rides, etc. But SS gets to do all of this when hes not with us, and then tells BKs that we must not like them because we havent done it with them.

I miss my Mum. I want to go see her. I've seen her twice in the last year and that was only for a few hours each time. Once shortly after baby was born and she came to us, and the other time was a day trip to where she lives. But because of the travel times it's not like we spent the whole day together. I used to go 3-4 times a year for at least a week at a time, and now we get rare day trips and phone calls.

If it wasn't for SS lies and behaviour towards BKs, I wouldn't mind him coming with us. BKs BD disappeared 2 years ago, so it's not like they get to do anything with him either.

You go with your kids. Leave DH to make his own mind up whether he comes or not.

Your step son wouldn’t consider time with someone else’s gran a holiday would he?

Go with your kids. Keep referring to it as "visiting my mum" rather than a holiday.

Also, why can't you do cinema, soft play etc when SS isn't there? Is it because DH says you can't? If so, you have a DH problem.

Go! Of course you should go. Have a lovely time. DH can come or not. And stop leaving nice days out till SS is with you, that’s completely unfair on your own kids. They should have the full fun childhood you want for them, it’s not their fault they have a step brother (who does plenty without them) and they shouldn’t miss out on anything. If it’s DH enforcing that tell him not to be so ridiculous and do what you like with your kids.

I don't drive and public transport where I live isn't great. BKs like to do things with DH, but when hes not at work we have SS. I did talk to them about how they have to understand that if they want to do things with DH, SS will be there too. They are coming to terms with it, and we have done a couple of small things recently, but then they feel bad that DH isn't there to enjoy it with us.

How old are all of the children?

He has been with us before, but that was before the lies and the way he treats my BKs. We even caught him out on one of the lies when he was asked why, and he told us his BM told him to.

It's not DH enforcing it or anything like that. BKs just enjoy having him around when we do things. But when he's not at work, we have SS. We slowly started doing more, but then they feel bad that DH isn't involved. They don't want him to miss out on OBs first either.

10, 7, 6, and 9 months

I would agree with others. Just arrange to go see your mum with your kids and call it that.

Trouble with that is DH sees it as a holiday, because its along the coast and we'd be staying in a caravan. Might have to ask him if he'd feel the same if that wasn't the case.

Honestly I would just arrange it. What is the alternative? Waiting until SS can go even if he doesn’t want to. So what if your mum lives near the coast. The reason you are going is to see her, not to go on holiday. I get your husband wants to include his son, but doesn’t mean that everything needs to include him. Just do it at a time he isn’t with you.

We have SS whenever DH isn't at work. So we'd either have to arrange for SS to stay with his BM when we're supposed to have him, or go without DH too anyway.

It isn't about SS wanting to go or not wanting to go, I don't want him there because of how he's been treating my BKs. My anxiety has started to spike whenever he's due to come here. I can't relax with him around at the moment.

i’d suggest dh plans somethimg for just him and his son. perhaps next weekend away at somethimg the boy likes to do. that way he will hane had a fun time with his dad all to himself.

then brand you going away with kids as them seeing their gran. not a holiday.

then when you come back dh takes his son out the next weekend again doing nice stuff. that way nobody can say ss has been badly treated.

it doesn’t have to be dear stuff, just quality time together even if it’s just a local event or something. it’s the time thats important.

is there anything that would fit the bill?

Doing a trip like this when he isn't with you would be fine, but actively sending him away when he's meant to be with his dad will look like exactly what it is, pushing him out of the family.

Complaining that you can't do trips without him is also a bit disingenuous, when the reason you can't is that his dad is a work, so can't give you a lift to softplay.

I think you should have considered if you could accept this primary school age child into the family before you procreate with his dad.

I understand him not wanting to go away without his DC but that doesn’t stop you, just go with the DC.

SS has been behaving like this recently and your youngest is 9 months? Sounds like he might be struggling with having a new sibling and maybe that your 2 are with the baby all the time.

SS sounds like he is struggling and DH and ex will need to prioritise him and work on that.

You need to prioritise on protecting your DC