Going on holiday without SS?

[RealMauveGoose]

'm seriously considering going away with just my biokids at the end of the month. Technically it's not a holiday, and more visiting my mother, but she lives near the coast and we'd stay at a caravan site.

My SS has been absolutely awful to my biokids lately, and thats in a large house. I dread him coming over. We've even had social involvement because of his lies (no further action). The caravan living area isn't much bigger than the living room at home. And they would all be in the same box room at bedtimes. Given how awful he's been to them, I can only imagine how much worse it would be in a cramped space and I don't want to do it.

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place though. DH doesn't want to miss our baby's first holiday, but says that going without SS isnt fair, even though SS has gone away without my BKs. But I feel like thats my only choice. Either he comes with us without SS, or he misses OBs first holiday.

It feels like our lives have been put on hold because of SS. We only do actual events when hes with us. The zoo, the cinema, soft play centers, boat rides, etc. But SS gets to do all of this when hes not with us, and then tells BKs that we must not like them because we havent done it with them.

I miss my Mum. I want to go see her. I've seen her twice in the last year and that was only for a few hours each time. Once shortly after baby was born and she came to us, and the other time was a day trip to where she lives. But because of the travel times it's not like we spent the whole day together. I used to go 3-4 times a year for at least a week at a time, and now we get rare day trips and phone calls.

If it wasn't for SS lies and behaviour towards BKs, I wouldn't mind him coming with us. BKs BD disappeared 2 years ago, so it's not like they get to do anything with him either.

Ok, but you keep talkking about what SS gets to do with his BM, but that's not the equivalent here. The equivalent would be you, DH, SS and your baby going for days out or holidays and excluding your two non shared BC. Are you comfortable with that? Because that's what you're asking of DH.

Personally, I think you should do a mix of 'whole blended family' days out with everyone included, and 'split' days out where you take your non shared BC out, and he takes SS out with your shared child alternating between the two.

It's not reasonable to go out with the blended family without including DSS. This is likely the cause of bad behaviour from your DSS towards your BKs. It's obviously going to upset him that his Dad spends more time with your (unrelated) children than with him.

You need to understand that there's no 'family unit' that includes your non shared BKs and your DH that doesn't also include DSS.

Of course it’s reasonable to go out with the blended family without SS - what ridiculous advice!! -life cannot stop for everyone else for 50% of the time!! It is not fair for all the other children to press pause on their lives when he is not there, meanwhile SS is living it up going out with his own mum doing stuff without them! That is also a good way to create division and resentment towards SS if everyone continually has to wait for him. What is not fair is treating them differently or unequally, so making sure that you take SS out when he is with you too etc. Try and treat them all fairly and equally is the overall goal. Asking yourself what you would do if it was your own child is a good benchmark generally I find.

No, it would be an unreasonable thing to do to plan special days and trips and leave SS snd only SS out, whilst his Dad plays happy families with two completely unrelated children.

As I asked, what would OP feel about her DH suggesting she goes on a special holiday with him, SS and their shared youngest, excluding her two older birth children?

It's not DSS's fault that OP's older children don't see their Dad. DSS doesn't have to step aside and give them his Dad to compensate.

Absolutely he doesn’t give up his dad. But his dad and everyone else is able to live life when he isn’t there. As SS is able to live his life elsewhere. It’s about finding a balance - and also keeping everyone safe in this case if services has been involved. You do not sacrifice all children involved for one!! Life gets complicated sometimes and there is no rule book. His dad has to prioritise his kids but also OP has to prioritise hers. Her kids are still kids and need to be safe, be free and have quality time. That means life doesn’t just stop for SS. It’s about both adults thinking about what is best overall for all of the children involved.

Noone has said that OP shouldn't prioritise her children, or indeed take her children on trips without DSS (in fact I actively suggested it). But it's unreasonable for her DH to also go along whilst excluding his older son.

Again, would OP plan a trip with DH, DSS and shared child, excluding her older 2 children? I'm sure she wouldn't, yet that's what she's asking/expecting of her DH. If they're doing something as a 'blended family' then ALL children should be taken. OP can take just her own children out whenever she wants.

No it is not!! They also have a child together who is not a pass the parcel baby and is entitled to go away with both parents together given they are together. If it’s not safe or appropriate for SS to come on this holiday then I would suggest DH take SS away somewhere on his own one weekend to even up with a special treat just for him. I would explain that this trip was about visiting Goose’s Mum so they took the other kids this time but they also thought it would be nice and fair for SS to have a treat too.

In a blended family things can’t always be equal but they can and should always be fair, and there is a difference. Unfortunately, blended families are by nature a very different dynamic to a traditional family unit and you cannot make everyone play happy families just because it’s what the adults want. Sometimes kids want time on their own with their parent, and that’s fine too, and often more beneficial. The other children are only in each others lives because of the parents’ relationship so don’t always need or want or benefit from a full blended family situation.

I feel like something here has got lost in translation.
We have SS whenever DH isn't at work. Due to his work hours and travel to work, BKs DON'T get to see him much more than SS, because he leaves for work before they get up, and doesn't get home until they're in bed. The exception to that is when they're struggling to sleep. Thats it.

It was about me wanting to take my BKs to see MY MOTHER. Me wanting to do more with BKs. OB is only 9 months old and my Mum would like to see baby too.
I have no issue with doing day trips with SS when we have him, but the goal is to do more with BKs when we don't. I have explained to my BKs that if they want to do more without SS, it would have to be without DH too.

It isn't SS fault BKs don't see their Dad, I never said it was. However he does deliberately antagonise them about it, and has even told us that he thinks it's funny. BD hasn't been in the picture for a while before the issues started.

As for "I wouldn't suggest we go out without BKs", I have actually. I told DH that it would be nice for us to be able to take SS and OB out for time dedicated to them. I have also explained to DH that if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd be saying them same thing in reverse.

If BKs dad was involved, but SS BM wasn't, and BKs had been horrible to SS the way he is to them, I'd want to find a way to give SS those experiences.

Imagine this post was about visiting DHs Mother instead of mine, and I said that BKs were being awful to SS and social have been involved because of lies they'd told about him and us. And how we only ever do things when BKs are here and I wanted to take SS to visit family without BKs. Everyone would be praising me for being such an incredible SM, and think I'm a wonderful person for trying to protect SS from my BKs. Because I absolutely would. Before BD disappeared, we did have SS without BKs several times, and we did go out with just him. Why is it so wrong the other way around?

There is no way 6 year olds and 10 year olds would talk in this way unless they are fed it by parents and live in a fairly toxic environment.

If you always have SS when your DH isn't at work, then it simply isn't possible to go for days out or holidays without actively unkindly excluding him, is it? Which hopefully your DH would (rightly) never allow. So this conversation is a moot point really.

Your acronyms are so weird and confusing.

What the heck is an OB? And BK? So hard to read, can you use actual words?

Why do you keep calling your stepson's mother his BM? That's a term for adopted children to distinguish between their 2 mothers. This kid has one mother, just call her his mother?

Back to the issue - the kid is 7. He's had a tough life and is going through a rough patch. He's still part of the family though, he should be included as much as one of your own children still would be if they were being naughty.

Surely you're able to deduce that OB means our baby, BK biokids SS stepson and BM biomum? It took me 3 seconds because MN are always full of acronyms anyway.

@RealMauveGoose Unfortunately some people will project their bad experiences of stepfamilies so they will not stay objective. I was a horrible SD because my father kept poisoning me against my mum and stepdad. He was a saint to tolerate me (he was a psychologist which probably helped).

Your stepson is a very troubled child and I feel sorry for him and hope that his parents will seek support for him. That's their responsability. However, your duty is towards your own children who are being bullied in your home by SS. I think you are being way to relaxed about this in order to not become the wicked stepmum. As you said, you wouldn't tolerate this behaviour from your own kids so why are you cutting him so much slack? You are modelling to your children that other people can treat them like shit and they just have to be nice about it. I would def not bring SS on holidays- go with your kids and let your dh deal with his son. Your kids should not have to live with a bully no matter how old or messed up that bully might be.

By prioritise the relationship I mean you both moved straight from the previous relationship rather than spending time making sure the children were ok. If you've been together for 4 years then your DC was 2 when you got together and SC was 3. And as you've said you were getting to know one another when SC was 2 and your DC still a baby. That is confusing and disruptive for tiny children.

SC needs time to be the priority to his Dad, mend the relationships and fix the insecurity created in their formative years.