Going on holiday without SS?

[RealMauveGoose]

'm seriously considering going away with just my biokids at the end of the month. Technically it's not a holiday, and more visiting my mother, but she lives near the coast and we'd stay at a caravan site.

My SS has been absolutely awful to my biokids lately, and thats in a large house. I dread him coming over. We've even had social involvement because of his lies (no further action). The caravan living area isn't much bigger than the living room at home. And they would all be in the same box room at bedtimes. Given how awful he's been to them, I can only imagine how much worse it would be in a cramped space and I don't want to do it.

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place though. DH doesn't want to miss our baby's first holiday, but says that going without SS isnt fair, even though SS has gone away without my BKs. But I feel like thats my only choice. Either he comes with us without SS, or he misses OBs first holiday.

It feels like our lives have been put on hold because of SS. We only do actual events when hes with us. The zoo, the cinema, soft play centers, boat rides, etc. But SS gets to do all of this when hes not with us, and then tells BKs that we must not like them because we havent done it with them.

I miss my Mum. I want to go see her. I've seen her twice in the last year and that was only for a few hours each time. Once shortly after baby was born and she came to us, and the other time was a day trip to where she lives. But because of the travel times it's not like we spent the whole day together. I used to go 3-4 times a year for at least a week at a time, and now we get rare day trips and phone calls.

If it wasn't for SS lies and behaviour towards BKs, I wouldn't mind him coming with us. BKs BD disappeared 2 years ago, so it's not like they get to do anything with him either.

So how old is he? And is it right that your 10, 7 and 6 year olds have to prepare themselves mentally before he comes?

You have a DH problem.

You should be able to do stuff with your DC when DSS isn’t around. I would definitely go and visit your mother. If DB refuses to come, he misses out.

UPDATE:

I don't know if I'm updating correctly because I was a long time lurker before actually creating a profile, so apologies if this is the wrong way!

I spoke to my mum today and have decided not to go during the half term. Her husband recently had a fall, and is quite badly injured (he is at home and in good spirits, but can't be left on his own for 4 weeks). Which means even if we did go, we likely wouldn't be able to spend much time with them. Instead we are going to try going during the summer holidays.

Next up, I'm going to put my hands up and admit that I was wrong. BKs don't know the full story, or the social involvement, but after I spoke to my Mum I sat down with them. I asked them when we next go to visit Nanny, who do they want to go. They said all of us. Including SS. They said they would rather do more day trips without him than go away for a week without him. Even with the way hes been treating them, they don't want him to miss out. And although they don't know the full story with everything thats happened with him, I am so proud of them. It broke my heart a little bit that I'm struggling so much with this, and they still want him there.

With that being said, tomorrow I will be booking an appointment with the mental health team to see what I can do to get past this. Knowing that a lot of this came from his BM, I did keep trying to include him, but the recent treatment of BKs stirred up sone uncomfortable emotions and I didn't want to put my BKs in a situation where we were "stuck" with him in a sense. At home we can visit friends nearby to get some space, which I felt we wouldn't be able to do when visiting my mum.

I am also going to get into contact with social regarding the issues they got involved with. To see where we stand with everything, and to be certain that things were resolved with no further action. If that is the case, then I will start looking at dates in the summer holidays that work for everyone. Previously it was assumed that if SS behaviour gets worse while we're away, it gets cut short for everyone. DH has now said that it wouldn't get cut short for us, and he would take SS home until it's time for him to go back to BMs and then come back to pick us up.

I have also spoken to DH about me learning to drive so I can do more with BKs when he's at work.

So your SS is 6 or 7?

What is DH doing about his behaviour, he sounds unhappy (understandably).

and why would you put such decision making - whether SS comes or not, on a 6 or 7 and 10 year old?

They are children, it’s unfair to land this on them

He's the 7 year old.

DH corrects this behaviour over and over again. SS goes back to BMs, and when hes next with us we have to start over. He has no rules or routine at BMs.

And I didn't put the decision on them, I kept it lighthearted and jokey while asking their opinion. Would you have preferred I typed out the entire conversation with them?

Me: hmm... When I next see Nanny, who do you think should come with me?
Both: Me
Me: okay me
10yo: no, all of us!
Me: all of you? Really?
10yo: yeah, all of us. Me, [6yo], [DH], [SS], and [9mo], we haven't been with [9mo] yet
Me laughing: wow, all of us! Thats gonna be busy!
6yo: like our house!
Me: yes, like our house. We might not be able to go until the summer holidays though because [mums husband] isn't well at the moment.
10yo: Can we still do stuff just us though?
Me: What do you mean?
10yo: SS gets to do a lot without us, but that doesnt mean he should miss out on the big things. So maybe the smaller things could be just us?
6yo: Like going to the zoo!
10yo: or a museum!
6yo: or a farm!
Me: so youd like more day trips just us
10yo: and sometimes with SS, but not every time because he does get to do a lot with [BM].
6yo: yeah, and he's not nice about it!
10yo: but he is still our brother, so he should come and see Nanny too.
Me: okay, we'll talk to [BM] and work out some dates, yeah?
Both: yeah!
6yo: Can we watch transformers?

I wonder when your are adults, what they will think of their childhood.

How wonderful. I didnt know guilt trips were being handed out.

Don't you think I've already thought about that? Don't you think that's why I want to correct it and do more for my BKs. Did you miss the part where I said they like having DH join us for these things? Or where I said we'd spoken about how if they'd like to do more without SS, it would be without DH too because when he's not at work we have SS. It's not like I lock them in their room until SS is here. We still do things together. I just don't feel like the things we do are "enough". I sit with mum guilt far too often to have not thought about that. BKs love our craft afternoons, puddle runs, nature reserves, etc. But I want to start doing things like the zoo, or museums, or farms with them. Not because of SS, but because they deserve those experiences. It just so happens that SS does get all of that and is horrible about it.

From someone who has had an unfortunately very similar experience with SK lies causing social involvement, my advice is to be wary. Social services may close files but they stay on file for 20 years and can be reopened immediately if any further allegations are received. What is on paper never really truly goes away, even if false, it still remains and is just mud that can be re-slung at a later date. Yes, it will be closed for now. The rest is a gamble on any further allegations being made. Can you be confident of that? I could not and chose not to risk my kids and our “ours baby” and so we keep everyone separate now as the best way to keep everyone safe unfortunately. SK jealousy and an unstable BM just didn’t leave room for anything else.

Stop blaming his mum for everything. It’s never going to be fixed if the two of you just fixate on slagging off the mum every second. You have made some decisions along the way that have resulted in this mess. A decision to marry a man who already had a child. A decision to add a fifth child. A decision to not be able to drive so that in order to do fun things, your dc need a driver.

I would think this holiday would set a precedent. So I think you go with your 3 to your mums, and at the same time he takes his son somewhere special 121. Yes its a shame for your dh that he won’t get to spend holidays with you and your joint kid, and a shame for you that you don’t have your dh or a driver; but that’s the consequence of attempting to blend families. A tiniest bit of research and you would have discovered it rarely works.

you are a major part of the issue, you obviously really hate his mother, not his BM, his mother. I suggest some self introspection, he would really be picking u on this.

I'm not blaming his mum for everything? I know I'm at fault for not having done these things with BKs, which is why I want to?
How am I slagging her off?

Yes, decisions that at the time were not marred by lies and awful treatment of my BKs. And fourth child. Not fifth. I never needed to know how to drive before, but the bus services have been cut in my area.

I'm not bothered about not having a driver for the trip to my mums because everything is more accessible. Blending the family worked well. It started going downhill last year. If there were issues with blending during our trail runs, we likely wouldn't have moved in with each other.

I dont hate his mum, and I'm sorry if BM was the wrong term to use. I was under the impression it meant Bio Mum and was shortened for ease in threads? Which is also why I referred to BKs father as BD (Bio Dad).

We used to be really good friends until just over a year ago. She's the reason I even met DH, and played a part in us getting together. If I hated her, I wouldn't have let her stay with us when she had problems with her house. The problems with her and SS started after that.

Thank you for letting me know this. As it stands right now, I can't be confident that no further allegations will be made. I will look into this further. It feels like an uphill battle.

@RealMauveGoose I might be pessimist but I would def try to get this boy counselling asap. Is he punished every time he's being mean to your children? Or is he allowed to treat them like shit and they just have to suck it up? Things will only get worse. The kid is only 7! As he's getting older this will get so much worse unless something changes drastically. It's not fair to your kids having to live with a bully. Since his bm is useless I don't think things will get better unfortunately.

Immaterial. You call it a visit, go with your kids. He can accompany you on the visit if he likes though I'd agree with a pp better if he takes DSS somewhere himself. What he can't do is dictate that DSS comes.

You haven't actually verbalised the issues with SS here or why Social Services are involved? You both have KS1 DC and are already married with a baby that is almost one. Clearly you both prioritised your relationship over your children's wellbeing so I'm not sure why you blame SS's Mum who presumably has SS most of the time.

Doesn’t SS mean step son ?

It does but she goes on to mention 'social involvement'.

Wouldn’t worry about some of these posts. Mumsnet loves to assume that stepmums all hate birth mums and obvs calling them birth mums/ bio mums is disrespectful and not just an easy way to differentiate by text or anything 🙄

As for not blending families - how lovely it must be to get everything right first time. I am genuinely envious of those that did. For the rest of us, we have to make choices that may not be perfect but we do our best and try to do our best for all the children involved too.

Your husband needs to be involving the school, heavily. SS is bullying your children under your nose and you’re allowing him to.

You and your husband need to set up a system of sanctions for bad behaviour. Something like a star chart. Every time he breaks something or is mean to someone he loses a star. When he sees your children getting rewarded it might motivate him to he better. If not, you need to separate them and if that means he misses out or comes less, so be it.

Definitely prioritise learning to drive! Are you a SAHM?

I have spoken to DH about this, the tricky part is getting his BM on board. Last time we tried to get help for him, she refused to let us have him until it was dropped.

He doesn't get away with it, and we worked hard to figure out "fair consequences" for what hes doing. Every time he's with us we started getting somewhere with his behaviour, then he goes back to BM, and when hes back with us we have to start again.

And to be fair, my BKs are not angels, I have to remind them of things too. One of the big ones between my BKs is when 10YO is trying to teach 6YO something and then gets frustrated when 6YO doesn't understand. But they don't bully each other or SS. The rules are the same for all of them. More often than not it's retaliation, and they have to face the consequences too.

He deliberately tries to break BKs stuff (not his own, not ours, not OBs, just BKs). SS kept stealing their clothes and then telling them they wouldn't be getting them back because his BM bought them for him (she didn't). He'll swing toys at BKs to try to hit them. When 6YO had a fall, and got injured SS would deliberately whack him where the injury was and told us that he wanted to. He keeps making comments about their BD not being involved and then laughs at them when they get upset. He's told BKs that we (me and DH) don't actually like them and they're only here because they have to be. He's told them that he can get rid of them because its his Dads house.

As for the social issues, it was lies about how we treat him here, and lies about BKs being violent. Sorry for not wanting to go into too much detail. Social did their visits and reports, and have had no further involvement.

We didn't "prioritise our relationship". This isn't some summer fling from 2 years ago. I have been a part of SS life since just before he turned 2. I have been with his Dad for 4 years. Our wedding was very small and simple, and we didn't go on a honeymoon. The issues we have had started just over a year ago.

We have close to 50/50 split. We have SS whenever DH is not at work, he works a rotating shift pattern, so his time with us doesn't change week by week. There is also 3 times a year that his workplace is closed anywhere between 7-14 days, and we have SS when that happens too. We have also dropped everything for SS when BM had some health issues, even though it meant DH had to swap his holiday time from work to emergency leave.

The school is half the problem. We have repeatedly spoken to BM about getting him in a different school, and she agrees. I'm really hoping that her moving will give her incentive to swap his school, because I do think that would be a massive help to him.

We're not allowing him to, we repeatedly correct the behaviour. And we have tried the chart before, BKs lost a few stars at times too, but him seeing the difference between BKs stars and his, made him climb on a chair, rip it off the wall, smash it up and draw all over it. We are doing our best to keep them separate from each other, but short of following them around 24/7, we can't always guarantee it. It also wouldn't be fair to say BKs can play in the garden but SS can't or vice versa.

I wasn't a SAHM until recently. When talking about my Mat leave ending, to make it work I would have had to cut my hours. Which I didn't mind. But then when we worked out cut hours vs childcare costs, we realised I'd basically be working for nothing. So between us, we decided that I'd hand my notice in, and start looking at training for the job I actually want to do. Once 9MO is in nursery, look into getting me experience in the job I want to go into it full time.

He does sound very messed up. Tbh I wouldn't have the energy to deal with someone else's messed up child while at the same time said child deliberately tried to hurt my own children mentally and physically. He's only 7! Imagine what he will be like in a couple of years when he's already got these sociopathic tendencies so young! I would stay together with dh but live apart in order to protect my children.