Is it normal to not like my step kids

[Thenoideanurse]

I’m a step parent to 3 children; ages 7, 9 and 10. I have my own daughter at 13 too. We all live together. We have my step kids 6 day and they see go to their mums for 4 days. I treat them largely as I do my own daughter with the exception of important decisions anything medical or relating to school I make sure their dad makes those decisions but day to day they get treat like my own daughter. Their behaviour is questionable they will often swear and shout at me when enforcing rules as they just don’t behave and I get at least weekly you can’t tell me what to do you’re not my mum from the middle one. Which we have explained I’m not trying to be but still trying to stick to rules causes issues. Me and their dad have been together for 5 years we have all lived together for 3&1/2. Is it normal to not like them? I absolutely dread when I’m at home and their dads at work because I know they misbehave. Their dads so supportive but I feel like I’m constantly going back and telling tales because they just cannot behave when I'm looking after them. It’s always been difficult as their behaviour is hard to cope with but in the last year it’s been really bad. Any advice how to get on better?

No it’s not normal and I can’t imagine this dynamic is good for anyone. Why did you blend families in the first place and not just wait until the children were much older before moving your child in with 4 people they aren’t related too.

This does not sound normal OP. I love my step kids like they are my own, but then they don't speak to me nastily and respect our joint home.

I think taking on 3 young children so early into a relationship was probably not the best idea. Does your husband pull his weight with parenting?

Yeah my husband does pull his weight and supports me. It’s not exclusively that they don’t behave for me, they misbehave for my husband too but it’s less often and obviously he doesn’t get the ‘you’re not my mum’ comments.

It’s incredibly unhealthy for children to be forced to grow up in a home where they aren’t liked by an adult. Tell your husband you don’t like them.

You’re going to get a pile on OP; people on here hate stepparents. Ignore those who just want to stick the boot in. Part of what you describe is just parenting, but it IS made harder in blended families where the kids go back to a different house with different rules etc

I think you and your husband need to agree some simple, clear household rules and sanctions (loss of screen time or whatever), and then sit round the table with all family members and explain together “This is how it’s going to be here”. You can also explain why, and how it will be much nicer for everyone if you can all get along etc.

Are you doing most of the childcare?

What made you want to go from one child to 4 so quickly in the relationship? That's such a huge step after 18 months.

Your poor Dd.

I think all you can do is be calm , firm and resolute. They have to behave for their teachers at school, and teachers aren’t their Mum.

But it must be hard for them, splitting their time between two homes and parents.

Blended families seem very hard on kids, IMO.

They see their Dad living with your Dd full time, whereas he is only with them part time. They may challenge you over not being Mum because they are jealous or insecure that your own Dd is there.

How long ago did your DH leave their Mum? Were they used to having their Dad to themselves before you all moved in together?

They’ve had a series of big changes: Mum and Dad together, Mum and Dad separate but Dad to themselves, Dad in a new household and family.

Kids often act up as their only means of protest.

Really really hard work for you and I wonder what you expected when you took on 3 younger kids only 18m into your relationship. I think you probably have to look at why their behaviour is as it is.

Nothing in this world would have enticed me to move in with someone else’s 3, 5 and 6 year old, can you move out again?

It's not necessarily right or wrong. You love their Dad, that doesn't mean you automatically love them. BUT... If you dont like them (as in all 3..?) then they shouldn't be living with you.

I imagine they 100% feel that you don't like them and they act in that. So it's going around in circles.

You dont like them so stop parenting them. It's not fair on ANYONE. You have no benefit, yiur daughter has no benefit and they have no benefit. Their Dad needs to move out

Its not unusual OP. I would suggest ending the relationship or living separately.
I disliked my SDC, not initially but as they got older it became more difficult.
Myself and my DC are now longer ignored in our own home and my relationship has improved.

It’s not unusual but it is toxic, for them, you, your DD. The dynamic doesn’t work so the relationship should end

Are you a SAHM / unemployed and supported by your husband?

I’m a stepmum but it’s only in emergencies that I provide childcare. My SC have two capable parents.

Why on earth would you want to live like this?!? It’s literally insane. You are choosing to live 60% of your downtime with people you don’t like. You couldn’t pay me to stay in the same house with kids I didn’t like. Assuming you’re going through this whole farce, simply because you like the bloke, I’d move out with my dd and just see him when his kids aren’t there.

You'd have to be mad to live like this - do you really think your child is happy? You can continue dating this man if you like but you need to move out asap.

Agree with this. Ignore the people who just want to stick the boot in. I've had insane replies on similar threads in the past. One woman felt I should give up my job to devote myself to my stepchildren, otherwise, I was the most selfish woman on the planet 😂😂😂 Lol.

Anyway, yes it is normal. On here, people might give you a different impression but in real life, I know more people who have issues with their stepchildren than don't.

Just a mad response.
‘is it normal to be utterly miserable in my own house’
’yes, it’s normal’
’ok, I’ll carry on then.’

you know it’s a choice, right? Well, a choice for you that is, unfortunately not for the poor kids stuck with an unrelated adult who doesn’t like them in their supposed safe space.

I think I would have stuck to the dating phase for a lot longer. I love children but I wouldn't want to live with any but my own, unless I knew them extremely well and was sure I got on with them better than most people.

Hi @ResponsiblePopcorn did you move out and into separate homes? How was that?

Did you like them before you moved in together? How is your DD treated by them?

I would hate to live in a house where I was hated by someone else living there.

I think it would be incredibly difficult for anybody going from 1 to 4 kids; not least the children. It wasn't something I'd have wanted (or could have afforded) when I started dating again after separation and with two existing children so made the choice to only date men with no children to avoid this scenario.
I can imagine it is extremely challenging being a step-parent and I hope things get easier for you all.

My DD’s step-Mum hates her. My DD is a good girl for the most part, occasional emotional meltdown when she’s tired.
I’d imagine it’s not normal to dislike your step-children though? They probably know you don’t like them, in which case, they have absolutely no motivation to behave for you.
My DD (8) knows her Step-Mum doesn’t like her but she only goes there one day a week. Her Step-Mum hates her because she’s mine, and I am a woman who once slept with her partner… that’s the reason 😂 so a different situation to you.
I wouldn’t cope with someone else’s children swearing at me etc. so I honestly don’t know what to advise you. If you have them 6 days a week, it might be that you have to crack down on discipline, Mother or not. Not in a million years would my DD ever speak to my partner (her Step-Dad) in that way. If they’re with you 6 days a week, the Mother’s opinion is almost irrelevant on parenting and what the kids can get away with whilst with her. If you’re with the kids more than their Dad, I’d say you get to pull rank and lay down the law and all 4 children (including yours) follow the same rules and get dealt the same consequences.

@thestepmumspacepodcastYes we did. Its been fantastic. No more negotiating step-parenthood, dreading occasions or the day to day problems. I would say that we are all much happier.

So if you’ve been together 5 years his kids were only 2, 4 & 5 when you got together. Why do you have them more than their own mum and is your partner mainly at work so you are basically spending your life bringing up someone else’s kids who resent you anyway. It may have been better to just date him and leave the child rearing to him and his ex. It’s a lot for you to take on especially when your only DD is now 13 and will not need you so much in a few years time, you could have your life back so why would you sign up for this. This must be hard on your DD as she could be having a happy home life with you instead of living with the tension caused by his kids. It would have to be an incredible man for me to want to sacrifice my own life in this way. You could still be parenting these kids when your own daughter has flown the nest and you could be carefree is that what you want. Is your DP really worth it. Sounds like he just wants someone to bring up his kids. They might never accept you and you could do all this with no guarantee the relationship will last.

I think it’s probably very normal to not like children who shout and swear at you. Your partner needs to address it properly or you need to live separately. Why would you want to put up with other people’s badly behaved children?

People here don’t hate step parents, they just recognise that the step-family model is in most cases deeply flawed and structured mostly around the adults’ wants rather than the children’s.

Someone even says upthread she finds it’s normal for step parents to have issues with their step kids and that’s meant to be some kind of defence of the blended family!

OP, it seems like you really rushed into blending families without ensuring that was what was best for everyone, and now you are seeing the fallout. If it is possible for you and your daughter to move out and maintain the relationship, that’s what I would do,

ETA: Of course you could take the “this is how it’s going to be and you just have to accept it” approach with the kids but please consider that although you may be able to force them to accept something, you can’t force them to like it. If building a genuinely good relationship with them is the goal, rather than simply gaining compliance, you may wish to reconsider that approach.