Is it normal to not like my step kids

[Thenoideanurse]

I’m a step parent to 3 children; ages 7, 9 and 10. I have my own daughter at 13 too. We all live together. We have my step kids 6 day and they see go to their mums for 4 days. I treat them largely as I do my own daughter with the exception of important decisions anything medical or relating to school I make sure their dad makes those decisions but day to day they get treat like my own daughter. Their behaviour is questionable they will often swear and shout at me when enforcing rules as they just don’t behave and I get at least weekly you can’t tell me what to do you’re not my mum from the middle one. Which we have explained I’m not trying to be but still trying to stick to rules causes issues. Me and their dad have been together for 5 years we have all lived together for 3&1/2. Is it normal to not like them? I absolutely dread when I’m at home and their dads at work because I know they misbehave. Their dads so supportive but I feel like I’m constantly going back and telling tales because they just cannot behave when I'm looking after them. It’s always been difficult as their behaviour is hard to cope with but in the last year it’s been really bad. Any advice how to get on better?

Quoted for truth. In no way am I saying my “nuclear family” experience was ideal, nor frankly are many nuclear families that haven’t broken up.

But my kids have a happy, peaceful, secure home with me now and I have no intention of voluntarily risking that being disrupted a second time.

You can make a point without harshly criticising another poster whose situation you know absolutely nothing about and whose situation is completely irrelevant to the OPs situation.

A blended family, a nuclear family etc... whatever the scenario, whatever the relationship there could be hundreds of various issues or happiness. There's no point squabbling about what situation is the worst.

@Peakypeck Well, as I said, the choice I made - for that exact reason - was that when I started dating again I was only looking for men without children. I didn't want my chidlren having to blend with other children/having to share rooms etc.

@BudgetBuster And you don't think she is "harshly criticising" the OPs blended family?

No, she gave an opinion. And it was relevant to the post.

There’s a book that I used that all the kids and I liked. I can’t remember what it’s called but the family meetings were excellent.

Basically you have a money box type thing and if anyone is pissed off about a rule or a decision or shit behavior they write it down and post it in the box. It is then discussed at the family meeting and only at the family meeting. So any complaints you just say add it to the box.

At the family meeting everyone participates. They take a slip from the box and read it out. Everyone discusses each one on an equal footing. No one is the boss. You all agree how the thing is going to be dealt with in the future. Someone writes down what has been decided.

Next meeting starts with what was agreed last meeting. Quick check of how things are going.

Some issues come up a lot. They and you just have to keep coming up with different solutions that you can all live with.

I know it sounds improbable but it really does work.

Do you think your DD is happy in this situation?
I would move out and concentrate on your own child

I suspect her real grievance is with me saying my kids are less than enamored of my ex’s perfectly pleasant new (child-free) girlfriend (as she has a similar set-up, though doesn’t say whether he’s been introduced to the kids). Many kids just don’t want “extra” parents, regardless of whether they come with extra step “siblings” or not, and even regardless of whether their own parents are all that great. They just want love and focused attention from their actual parents, and new partners and their offspring tend to seriously undermine that.

It can be a pretty tough pill for people to swallow when they’ve gotten out of a bad relationship with their kids’ other parent and they realise that it’s actually best for their kids if they don’t attempt to create a new and “improved” version of the nuclear family.

The only situations in which it has an okay chance of working IMHO are when the other parent has passed away or has zero involvement with the kids. If there’s an existing parent still involved, however shittly or lightly, the new step-parent has a very hard row to hoe.

@CamillaMcCauley He's more my husband than my new boyfriend - we've been married for quite a number of years. I think my almost-adult and adult sons have met him on occasion by now and quite like him 😀

Well in that case your decision to repeatedly attack me based on nothing other than me saying blended families more often than not don’t work is truly baffling.

@CamillaMcCauley Perhaps revisit how you worded it? It certainly wasn't like that.

Oh take a day off would you?

@BudgetBuster That's a useful contribution to the debate.

There are more people agreeing with how I worded it than disagreeing with it so I think it’s probably a you issue.

It's not a debate though. It's you trying to bully a person you don't know online for absolutely no reason. It's completely irrelevant and detracting from the OP.

@CamillaMcCauley So if you perceive the majority to be in agreement with you, on an already biased middle-class site, that means you're automatically right?
Not sure about that.

@BudgetBuster If it's "bullying" you can always ask for it to be removed?
What is your opinion on the original question then?

lol, no matter what I say you’re obviously going to find a fresh way to pick a fight with me.

Not sure why you’ve singled me out as a target given the widespread similar feelings expressed on the thread but as I regrettably failed to do earlier, I’m going to stop giving you one now.

Would you like it if your DH felt the same about your child OP?

I often find on MN that step mums are allowed to have bad or mixed feelings towards their DSC, but the new husband ALWAYS loves their DC as his own, of course. And anything other is relationship ending. No nuance in the situation if it’s a step dad.

Why are you doing the childcare? That’s likely the root of the problem

I t sounds awful I’d hate to live ina house where I didn’t feel loved /safe (as in my safe place not literally safe)
This applies to all of you.

Did they not want you to move in? Why did you blend if it wasn’t working? There’s two options-

accept the situation (you and dp may improve things by dp being there more and carrying more of the load but ultimately it’s unlike to change completely)

leave

@Peakypeck Well if you mean do I always agree with the majority on here? No.
Most women are a married Mrs...
The point of a debate is not everybody always agrees wirh you 😀