Absolutely lost the plot

[Autumnbreeze84]

I’ve just had enough to be honest and needed to vent somewhere and to someone that isn’t my immediate family. I’m currently sat in the bathroom crying because I’ve lost it at SD(14) royally and I can’t believe it all came tumbling out of my mouth.

Been with my partner for 8 years, almost 9, and have had SD 50/50 for the majority of that time. Everything I say and do gets reported back to bio mum, and then immediately sent on to my partner asking why I’m doing whatever it is.

I don’t really want to go into specifics because I don’t think it’s helpful but in a nutshell I’ve just absolutely lost it and I’m really disappointed in myself. I know the anger should be focused on my partner and his ex, not my SD, but I just couldn’t stop it coming out of my mouth - I really was absolutely vile.

sorry for rambling, I just needed to let it out.

This. Enough of the poor innocent daughter caught in the middle rubbish. She
knows exactly what she is doing and old enough to know better. Her dad needs to step in a put an end to it with her and her BIO-mum who presumably encourages it.

I hadn’t realised it wasn’t the done thing, I’ve read threads where people have used the phrase before. I definitely didn’t mean anything by it, I would usually refer to SD’s mum in the real world as “mum”.

Thankyou all for the comments and I did take the time to reflect and then apologise for blowing up at SD to both SD and my partner.

Its a difficult situation and from the reaction I received on here I think I’ve realised I probably do need to take a step back and put boundaries in place for myself (through my partner) I.e. not being told about the texts about me disparaging my character etc, and maybe also the level of openness I have about my life outside of SD with / around her.

Thanks again and I appreciate having everyone’s thoughts on it to help me reflect.

Her BM is weaponising you and your DP is facilitating this. They need to start acting like the adults that they are.

You sound as though you are at the end of your tether OP, you have my sympathies.

Apologise to your SD for loosing it and take it up with your DP. He needs to have your back.

Ignore the vipers here that are enjoying sticking their boot in.

It is not easy being a SM, especially to teenagers. Remember this too shall pass.

💐🤗

I think you’re not being unreasonable either….teenage girls can be a nightmare, I remember being one myself! How my mother had the patience I’ll never ever understand.

Exactly!

Oh absolutely this, I remember how awful I was as a teenager myself and constantly tell myself to try my hardest to just let things go as mostly issues happen because of hormones etc!! My mum and dad absolutely deserved a medal 🤣

Sorry this happened. Sounds like partner and ex need some sort of boundary chat because the girl is caught in the middle.

Don’t beat yourself up op, it must be incredibly tedious to constantly worry about what you’re saying in your own home for fear of it being talked about and twisted.

Basically whenever your dh ex texts about ‘something you’ve said’ he needs to shut it down and tell her to mind her own business. Especially if it’s something complete innocuous. He shouldn’t be drawn into discussion about it. What a sad life she must have to be so focused on the conversations in your home.

Kicking off at the SD might show them both that you won’t tolerate it anymore. Ignore any nasty comments you get here, stepparents are always vilified no matter the situation.

Bio mum is encouraging reports of what you are saying and doing, obviously has no life of her own. Well at least they have something juicy to talk about now! Obviously the frustration was building up which resulted in an outburst...maybe everyone needed to see you've had enough.

Noone needs to put up with being reported on, thats no way to live. Is your dp not sticking up for you at all, especially if he's present and aware of the conversations? He should be having words with his dd and ex. I know SD is a teen but doesn't necessarily mean she'll grow out of this, in fact it can get worse as she gets older. If noone makes an effort to improve this situation, then if it were me, I'd be inclined to step back. Be pleasant with SD but don't engage too much. I'd keep myself busy (read a book, phone a friend etc) when she's around. If DP doesn't like it then he should do something about it.

Have not read past this yet, so forgive me if I’ve missed anything. My first thought is that your DH needs to shut this nonsense down.

to his ex “what goes on in your life is none of my concern, likewise, my life and @Autumnbreeze84 ‘s life is none of your business. I won’t be discussing anything outside of SD in future”

then he just COMPLETELY IGNORES ANYTHING the ex says that’s not directly related to and an important part of something to do with SD. In fact she’s 14, he can stop communicating totally with the ex. Just inform SD.

then he talks to SD and says that while you have nothing to hide, if she passes on information- no matter how banal - it gets twisted to cause trouble, so just think twice before telling her mum day to day details about your lives together

Don’t give yourself such a hard time, teenage girls can be awful, throw a blended family in and they double down.
my sd was awful, I lost it once and tbh it was needed. Behaviour didn’t change but my dh suddenly saw how manipulated he was by her and her mum and things from him changed which helped.
its not easy having a third party having a say in everything you do

not being told about the texts about me disparaging my character etc, and maybe also the level of openness I have about my life outside of SD with / around her.

yes, this is a start, but your DH does need to shut it down, “ @Autumnbreeze84 is not for discussion” and no further discussion will happen unless it’s strictly relevant to SD.

i had similar with my OH ex, but in fairness she was batshit (no, really!) and tried to control/destroy/manipulate everything

My Oh blocked her on everything except email, then only replied to things that were relevant and if not, total radio silence

ex soon got bored and stopped the nonsense

let the 14 yo take more instructions and info, start phasing the ex out of arrangements.

We had to have a conversation with my stepson when he was much younger than your SD @Autumnbreeze84 because I was basically ending up close to tears every week. I was afraid to speak at the dinner table, I was overly conscious of what I was buying in the groceries, I would only clean SS room while he was out because I honestly couldn't hack the CONSTANT messages to my now DH from his ex.

I'm 10 yrs in my stepsons life, been in it since he was 4. Have lived together for 8.5 years. And every Sunday evening my husband would be bombarded with nasty messages saying stupid things like "who does BudgetBuster think she is buying DSS new shoes, why did BudgetBuster ask DSS at dinner what he did in school Friday, why did BudgetBuster buy X brand of apple juice I only buy Y brand"

Really stupid nonsense but when it's non stop and you are waiting on edge for the comments, it can become consuming.

I think you should have a conversation with your partner. He needs a grey rock response to anything trivial she mesages him, so that she'll get bored and unless it's important he needs to not tell you.

It's completely changed in our house now, SS will tell us lots of things that happen or that he does at his Mums house, but tells her nothing about ours. Purely because he's old enough now and realises there is a difference between a normal conversation (where we respond with "that's nice" or "cool" etc) and an inquisition. She also texts him multiple times a day when he's here and bombards with calls when he doesn't respond... we only text him if we need to ask something.

When ex would text me DH he'd just reply (after a few hours or the next day)... saying something like "Please only contact me in respect of DSS, my wife and our household are nkne of your concern"

And this is the very reason i refuse to be a stepmother again.

Agreed with this. My DH and ex are email only fir the last 6 years also (court ordered because she was so bombarding and loopy). The mental relief it's brought is incredible.

Get your DH to ask ex if she'd like to move in with you - then she'll never miss a thing!

Seriously though, your DH should be shutting her down every single time. Not her business, not her concern, keep her beak out. And let him know you have no time to listen to her idiocy if she continues.

Oh my goodness I’m so sorry this was happening to you too, I genuinely could have written this myself?! (and also slightly concerned that we might have the same person in our life 🤣) I can laugh at it now but this would have made me double down crying yesterday as weirdly enough we had this text about CREAM CHEESE… like get a grip!

It sounds as if there's been some simmering resentment for a while, and you've lost it over something trivial that's just been the last straw.

Strongly disagree. Your mum is just your mum, no qualifier necessary. Making it stepmum and biomum makes it sound like they're on the same level, they are not!

Mum is also quicker to type than BM so why even bother except to be disrespectful?

14 is old enough not to go spragging to her Mother in minor comments that she KNOWS go round the houses back to everyone, causing shit. Unless the 14 year old is a bit thick. Sounds to me like she enjoys stirring the pot.

Yeah I’d be fuming as well OP, and perhaps it’s not a bad thing that your views are not abundantly clear.

It’s perfectly acceptable to you. There are plenty of people who disagree. The persistent suggestion is that it is somehow wrong to dislike the term in relation to step parenting is tedious. For me, my children’s step mum told my children that she was their mummy and I was just their birth mum. Completely unreasonable thing to say to a small child who thought I was going to leave him.

I acknowledged that many people are OK with it. Amazes me you feel the need to be defensive. Or are you saying I - and the many people who agree with me - aren’t allowed a different opinion?

Honestly teenagers even when you aren’t the step parent is hard!!! And I have said things I shouldn’t to my daughter I shouldn’t have in frustration as they can be so mean. I would just ignore any conversations about texts the ex sends.

Just because your ex married someone unpleasant (in your eyes) doesn’t mean you get to police every one elses’s language in every space firever more. Its extremely hostile and it is derailing the thread. @Usernamechanging . There are wonderful step mothers and terrible birth mothers and vice versa but OP us entitled to describe her relationship to third parties as she wishes. It does not harm the child in question.

Of course you're allowed an opinion. But you aren't allowed to tell anyone else what theirs should be. That was my point.

No your point was to call someone 'a petty waste of space' because they don't agree with YOU. The irony.