Absolutely lost the plot

[Autumnbreeze84]

I’ve just had enough to be honest and needed to vent somewhere and to someone that isn’t my immediate family. I’m currently sat in the bathroom crying because I’ve lost it at SD(14) royally and I can’t believe it all came tumbling out of my mouth.

Been with my partner for 8 years, almost 9, and have had SD 50/50 for the majority of that time. Everything I say and do gets reported back to bio mum, and then immediately sent on to my partner asking why I’m doing whatever it is.

I don’t really want to go into specifics because I don’t think it’s helpful but in a nutshell I’ve just absolutely lost it and I’m really disappointed in myself. I know the anger should be focused on my partner and his ex, not my SD, but I just couldn’t stop it coming out of my mouth - I really was absolutely vile.

sorry for rambling, I just needed to let it out.

Yet again you firmly grasp the wrong end of the stick. I don't care about agreement with me, I do care about attacks on those who are in distress and come for advice. To nit pick the language used is petty.

Yep, it's the stupid petty things. If it was a reasonable complaint I'd probably take it on board but comments about apple juice or cream cheese etc just qaste everyone's time and make you feel like you are being watched constantly.

Because we nipped it in the bud alot earlier in (I was very clear with my now DH that I wasn't going to live a miserable life because of his ex and if he didnt put a stop to her then Id be gone), my stepson can now see how weird it is that his mum will ask him what cereal he had for breakfast or what time he had his dinner and who cooked it. When the most we ask when we see him is "Did you have a nice weekend"...!

Apologise to your stepdaughter, let her know that her mum keeps questioning everything and it stresses you out. And then your OH needs to get to work on handling HIS ex.

What a petty waste of space you are

It's odd you are so triggered by someone asking a question and stating a fact that you perceive it as an attack and demean yourself with comments like that.

There's just no need to prefix mum with bio in the context of this thread. Do you have a difficult blended family set up?

It's a standard term used in forums. Honestly, it's clearly not intended as derogatory and the OP has already explained she's used it as she's seen it used in this forum.

If you want to argue about the term, why not create your own post and stop.detracting from OPs actual concerns.

I would hate this. My dad had a housekeeper like this. Whenever I went to stay at his, she would report back all the innocuous stuff to my dad. Things like how long I spent in the shower, what saucepans I used, what my friends were like, how fat or thin they were, what we ate etc. All reported back to my dad. He didn't care and none of it mattered but I avoided her as much as possible because it was like having spy my own home. With a SD relationship it would be much harder because you can't avoid them as much.

It sounds like you need to take a huge step back from SD and put some boundaries in place with DH because this situation is toxic and not fair on you at all. I’ve been there and DH did not have my back so it ended in divorce. I do not miss the drama at all.

I actually think both the mom and the partner are in the wrong here.

The girl is completely within her rights to discuss things with her mom - why shouldn't she? Mom and daughter can have any conversations they like, and hold any opinions of you they like, to be honest. (While I agree that might not be a comfortable thought, they are in no way obliged to like you, and are entitled to share their opinions of you with each other).

What the mom has absolutely NO RIGHT to do, is there text your partner with her thoughts on you - it's incredibly rude and divisive, and simply not her place, unless the issue at hand directly involves your treatment of her daughter.

And your partner is also stirring, I would argue, by sharing the content of these texts with you. He should simply tell her that he is unwilling to discuss you and your character with her, unless it's regarding something that directly effects her daughter.

I think you need to apologise to the girl, and then privately tell your partner that you are unhappy being told about these texts. He needs to deal with them himself, and stop sharing them with you....

What is their co-parenting relationship like generally? From what you have said, it doesn't sound very healthy.

Neither I nor my teen daughter are very keen on her dad's partner - and we do discuss this sometimes - but I wouldn't dream of texting my ex about her. Apart from one time when she criticised my parenting choices to my daughter. (Told her I was wrong to have let her watch a series she doesn't allow her kids to watch). I was angry about this and text my ex to tell him I didn't expect any more such comments. And in fairness there have been none since, that have come to my attention.

Good luck OP - all sounds very stressful.

My 14yr old DD sometimes tells me things about her dad’s house, like there was no food around to make lunch/she didn’t get a good sleep because dog/cat was scratching at the door during the night so I tell exH things like let me know if I should send snacks/can you keep the animals downstairs. DD’s stepmum then goes ballistic at DD the next time she’s there, so I mostly just shut up now or DD will get punished for it.

Why not tell your teen daughter "Hey, why not ask Dad to keep animals.downstairs if they're bothering you"... there's zero reason for you to think you have the right to tell your exH where to keep his animals in his house?

You're daughter is old enough to ask her Dad for food or whatever she needs at his house.

Your DP needs to sort this out. Where is he in all this? He needs to tell DD to stop shit stirring and tell his ex to stop messaging this nonsense.

You can’t stop DSD reporting back to her mum. You can’t stop mum messaging DH about cream cheese etc.

What you can do is tell DH that unless there is something really fucking important you need to know, like DSD has developed a nut allergy, he is NOT TO REPORT IT BACK TO YOU.

Stepmother’s have a hard time of it. If it gets too much you need to take a step back and let DH do all the parenting.

@BudgetBustershe doesn’t have a comfortable relationship with her dad unfortunately and is for some reason uncomfortable to bring up things like food/being disturbed at night. So I thought I’d feedback to him so she would enjoy going there more. Not so much telling him where to keep his animals, but that DD isn’t sleeping well there so is struggling to wake up/missing school on Mondays. But her being told off by stepmum is much worse, so I promised her I wouldn’t mention anything to her dad anymore. Less of an issue now because she started refusing to go to his much anymore sadly.

I don’t think the OP mean to prevent have telling her mum about her life. I suspect it’s the nasty gossip which her mum seems to encourage and that is none of her concern.

Hopefully this is a turning point for you. You need to address the issues with the other adults not be horrible to a child.

I understand what you are saying, but to your ex and his partner it sounds like you are just blasting how they live their lives and then yeah it is just going to cause angst. Unfortunately if the relationship isn't great, those types of messages won't be taken well.

It's unfortunate your daughters relationship isn't as strong with her Dad but she's old enough now to know what she wants.

So it was self correcting.

Not really... it probably causes more angst in the Dads house and therefore contributed to the deteriorating relationship

Look my point is if the dad and step mum are ill intentioned and neglectful then the right thing to do is teach your dd to advocate for herself and then avoid them if that doesn’t work. I would have done the same as you but at the point that they retaliated the game was iver.

OP’s situation as described is quite different. She reports being treated as a servant on probation whose every choice in her own home is watched, criticized, and held up for contempt and attack. OP’s home is her private space and safe space too. There is nothing in her post that indicates her dh’s ex’s criticism and commentary is other than abusive and controlling. If the DSD doesn’t like her father’s house she should advocate for herself and then withdraw if her father won’t listen. Endless commentary from the ex is not ok.

I think you've confused me with another poster... it isn't my daughter? And I think you're making the same points as me about both situations?

Sorry your comment was threaded with the poster I was responding to.

Ah no problem 😂 I was getting confused haha

OP, I think that they all had that blow out coming really. You aren’t everyone’s whipping boy, or the architect of their divorce and hostile co parenting situation. What is the worst that can happen if you simply start standing up for yourself? DSD and her mum are being arseholes to you anyway, whilst you are tying yourself in knots to be nice.

First post nails it.

Your SD is way old enough to know better so your DP needs to explain to her that the behaviour is rude and she needs to stop.

The ex sounds moronic. It’s up to your DP to either suggest she stops commenting or he just ignores any messages that are not about his DD. Either way he needs to stop sharing this crap with you.

Are you being left to parent this child?

You have my sympathies. Teenage girls are horrific. Sadly, they know exactly what they’re doing at that age.

i too had a similar situation after years of feeling like I was under surveillance in my own home. I also watched a child triangulate and accuse both parents of abuse that absolutely wasn’t true and ironically when she accused her mum of it and I fact checked what was being told to us, miraculously it was me accused around 6 weeks later. Did I lose my temper and snap? Oh you bet and it felt great. Did I regret the language used? Absolutely. Did I apologise for setting my boundary? Absolutely not. I offered accountability but only if that was to be reciprocated for lies, it was not. The best bit though? After I lost my temper (which was now 6 months ago) not a single complaint or email has been sent by my partner’s ex. Once you show these bitter and resentful individuals that you’re not going to be pushed around and controlled they usually find someone else to antagonise. Have there been more lies from SD? Sure but several of these lies were in situations where my partner knows categorically it’s incorrect and he now also sees through the bullshit. Only good will come from this, but don’t back down, if you back down now, they’ll know you will always be easy to push around.