Absolutely lost the plot

[Autumnbreeze84]

I’ve just had enough to be honest and needed to vent somewhere and to someone that isn’t my immediate family. I’m currently sat in the bathroom crying because I’ve lost it at SD(14) royally and I can’t believe it all came tumbling out of my mouth.

Been with my partner for 8 years, almost 9, and have had SD 50/50 for the majority of that time. Everything I say and do gets reported back to bio mum, and then immediately sent on to my partner asking why I’m doing whatever it is.

I don’t really want to go into specifics because I don’t think it’s helpful but in a nutshell I’ve just absolutely lost it and I’m really disappointed in myself. I know the anger should be focused on my partner and his ex, not my SD, but I just couldn’t stop it coming out of my mouth - I really was absolutely vile.

sorry for rambling, I just needed to let it out.

Your partner needs to nip this in the bud.
Both with his ex and his daughter.

So you want to restrict your SD from talking about 50% of her life to her mum? That’s not fair to put that on her.

What did you say to her? What's she saying to her mother?

Personally I'd be having the go at your partner. Stand your ground on this one I'm going to say as there's no context in your post

I don't think that's the point... it's that the BM is then commenting to Dad, who is commenting to SM.

Why does BM get to have any say (unless safety issue) in what goes in in SM & Dads house?

Sorry I’ve not worded that very well, I just mean if anything comes up in conversation at our house about her mums house, and I make ANY kind of comment (even just a neutral statement like, say we are talking about a new car “oh that’s nice”) SD will report that back to her mum and say “Autumn Breeze said oh that’s nice about the car” and that will then be text to my partner twisting what I was saying (even if he was present during the conversation!). I’m obviously not worried in the slightest about anything else as I’m fairly boring so nothing to report on there haha 🤣

It’s hard to respond without context. What kind of things is she reporting back?

Have you apologised? It’s hard to no what to say without more specifics to be honest. Hopefully your partner is supportive

YANBU I expect she deserved it which is why you finally lost it. Your partner should have your back, not discuss you with his ex wife .

I'd double down on it (if my living arrangement didn't depend on it)

Where was your partner when all this was going on? I hope he wasn't at work whilst your the unpaid nanny

This lass is piggy in the middle and it must be very stressful having to continually mind what she says.
But we are all human and sometimes we flip. Maybe try and apologise to her.
Such a difficult situation for all of you.
Teenage years are often the flashpoint for underlying stresses in shared parenting.

I think you are right to take yourself away and let all your feelings out. When you are ready, tru to get yourself together for a conversation. Take responsibility for yourself and apologise for how you’ve approached this. If you like you can explain a little about some of the pressures that led to this but you don’t want to put any pressure on her as she’s already a go between. You can’t tell her not to say things to her mum and she can’t control how her mum twists things. But perhaps you can give a simple concrete example and explain why you feel frustrated, so she can understand that your reaction is not her fault.

It doesn’t really sound like your stepdaughter did anything wrong. She can’t be asked to compartmentalise her life. Would you have lost it at the adults involved?

without detail and context it’s hard to say if you were over reacting/badly behaved.

but it sounds as if you believe you went too far and retailed at a child.

is DSD ok? Have you called DH to let him know what’s happened?

Maybe you shouldn’t be unsupervised with her for a while for both your sakes.

This is a lesson on not dealing with resentments though, it sounds like it all came flooding out to the wrong person/a child 😢

Why are you staying is the question?

Why are you describing SD's mum as bio mum? She's her mum.

So your step daughter has perfectly normal, innocuous conversations with her mum who then messages your partner. Why is your partner telling you about this? Why are you blowing up at your step daughter about it? What is the negative impact on you from these messahes vs the negative impact on your step daughter of living in this volatile situation?

If its the messages from her mum that are the problem, and your step daughter is with you at the moment, then what is her mum messaging you about that made you blow up?

It's a Mumsnet term 🙄

I presume you have gone too far from what you’re saying. No, that’s not good, you shouldn’t be so out of control with a 14 year old child. You say you couldn’t stop yourself but that’s not true.

You need to apologise, get help for your anger a deal with the real issue.

I hope the child is ok.

No, not really. It's term used in relation to fostering and adoption. I know feelings about it are varied in relation to step parenting with some people finding it deeply offensive and others seeing it as merely factual. It bothers me. It feels like some kind of point is being made, usually from a place of superiority. Makes me wince. Unnecessary.

Hope you are OK, OP. Speak to her when everything is calm. She is allowed to speak to her mum about anything at all and really shouldn't have to compartmentalise her life. Why are you even bothered?

At 14 she is well aware she is shit stirring.

It’s also a very commonly used term in this context on mumsnet. No need to twist it into something else

It's a term COMMONLY used in stepparenting forums also. Just because it bothers you... doesn't mean it isn't a commonly used term.

There's no need to detract from the OPs post.

It’s also a very commonly used term in this context on mumsnet

Well it shouldn't be. It should be used in fostering/adoption context. Otherwise mum or DM is just fine.

You aren't our Mum. you don't get to police our language while offering nothing constructive to OP. What a petty waste of space you are.

It's perfectly acceptable, whether you like it or not.

Oh not this bollocks again. OP is the step mum, girls mother is the bio-mum. Perfectly fine, logical and acceptable phrase. Stop being a dick.