Struggling as a childless stepparent

[Suspiciouslysplendid]

I love my family alot, I really do. And I know I signed up for a relationship with a man with a child. So expecting to get flamed.

I love DSC, they’re lovely. I’ve been in his life from the age of around 18 months (I know this is terribly early on and looking back I suppose I should have been more mindful). DSC is now 4, nearly 5. I found ages 2 and 3 fine, but I’ve been struggling massively since they turned 4.

They get very emotional (as all children do) if they’re told no, or it’s bedtime or something they don’t want to do. They hit me, shout at me and generally say hurtful stuff like “I don’t love you” (which is fine, they’re a little kid). DH tells them off for saying this, which I don’t think he should do because it’s fine for them to express how they feel.

When I come home from work, DSC will say “I’m only playing with daddy, not you”. Up until about a year ago they very much played with me, cuddled with me and generally acted like they liked me.

I’ve been increasingly expected to do things as a parent would do which I am uncomfortable with. For example, it’s now expected that because of DHs new interest, I do tea, bath time and bedtime on 2 of the 4 nights a week we have DSC. DSC does not settle with me at all, which they used to do. They will throw things at me, pull my hair and spit at me and have on occasion said things like “mummy says I only love mummy and daddy”. Whenever we go out as family, DSC will have a meltdown, either screaming or kicking. They never direct this at DH, only me. DH says I need to “be a parent, you’re mum when DSC is here”, which I don’t agree with - DSC has a mum, and I’m part of his family but I’ll never replace her or ever be on the same level.

I’ve tried to not be affected by this, but I feel like an imposter in my own home. As DSC gets so upset when I’m talking to DH, I’ve stopped trying to have conversations when DSC is here. I’ve tried playing with DSC more, leaving them to have alone time, ignoring “bad” behaviour, reading stories, encouraging him to talk about his interests and taking them with DH to places they will love. I just feel like it’s damaging to them me even being here.

i feel like a terrible person, like I’ve intruded on their life and they’re stuck with this person they hate.

Occasionally they’ll be days when DSC will speak and play with me, but it’s rare. I don’t know why this has happened.

Im starting to dread the days they’re here which is absolutely horrendous to say, and I’ve never even written this down before. But I just know I’ll feel isolated, on edge and walking on eggshells. I know it upsets DH, and I know Dsc is acting from a place of hurt? But I don’t know why.

It’s unlikely I’d be able to move out and go back to living alone. We’ve lived as a family for 3 years so I’m confused as to why this is happening now.

I want to protect my mental health, but most importantly I don’t want to contribute to a shitty existence at daddy’s house for DSC :(

Me and DH are talking about having a baby very soon and to be honest I feel like I would be a shit parent. I’m so lost please help me

Just to add as well, I feel pressure to be present at all times. If I come home from work and don’t immediately play with DSC, DH will come to wherever I am in the house and ask me to come and sit with them. I work in a high pressured environment and sometimes just need 5 minutes with a cup of tea. But this is deemed as “not being a parent”

It sounds really hard. Don't try for a baby yet - I would maybe think counselling could help.

I guess a lot depends on how much you love your DH and how strong your relationship is. It seems like he is putting a lot on. you which isn't fair.

Your dh has 50:50 and needs to parent his son on the nights that he has him, not fuck off on a new interest and leave it to you.

Youre not a parent, he is and he needs to step up and not push the responsibility onto you.

Ridiculous he isn't there on the nights he has his child. Honestly you should make plans those evenings and get out the house. It is also showing you what he could be like as a parent to your baby. Maybe a sign it's not the best idea.

Oh dear. It sounds like your stepchildren have suddenly started to realise what being part of a split family really means. They sound deeply unhappy. It sounds like their mother isn’t helping and their father is trying to dump responsibility for them on to you.
Your DH is being both a rubbish father and a rubbish husband.
You’re going to have to set some clear expectations and boundaries. These are not your children. Being hit and spit at by your own child is bad enough but is absolutely not something you should be accepting. Their father needs to be there and he needs to clearly have your back. The children sound like they need some consistent daddy time.

But this is deemed as “not being a parent”

Wow, he saw you coming, didn't he!

OP, you aren't a parent, you're a stepparent. You don't have to do the parenting, he has a father to do that in one house and a mother to do that in another house.

Your partner is using you as free childcare to allow himself to go off and have fun with his hobby. His son is acting up - well, his own father has dumped him in favour of cycling or whatever, so it's understandable the poor mite is feeling insecure.

Your partner needs to step up and help his 5yo feel loved and reassures, help him regulate his feelings, and help him deal with overtiredness as he's presumably in his first year at school.

You partner is showing you what to expect if you do have a child of your own - he'll bugger off and please himself, while telling you to "be a mother."

It's lazy misogynistic entitlement and you don't have to tolerate it.

Why does he get to check out two evenings out of four yet you aren't allowed a mere ten minutes peace? Especially since you are not a parent, he is.
Maybe his absence on those evenings is part of the problem. He is the one ducking out of parenting.

I missed the bit about you both trying for a baby. Do not do this. You’ll then be parenting two children while he does have a fucking hobbies. He will not step up with your child. For the love of god, he’s showing you who he is, BELIEVE HIM!

You need to develop an interest of your own so that he is doing tea, bath and bed on his own for two nights

Don’t try for a baby with him. It will make things harder and messier because you’ll be doing all of the work for 2. If you think it’s hard to leave, being pregnant or having a baby will make it harder.

I’m a parent and struggled with some of the phases my kids went through but it would have been harder if they were stepchildren. Having your own is going to open your eyes to how difficult stepparenting is and you’ll end up being unhappy with your partner imo.

Ugh, this is one of the many reasons I don’t believe that the concept of “step-parents” is a healthy one.

In this case, a shit dad who doesn’t want to take care of his own parenting responsibilities is trying to palm them off on you by using guilt trips.

The child is now finally clocking the reality of blended families after being rushed into one and you are doubting your own ability to parent.

You sound like a nice person but bluntly, this isn’t a good relationship for you. Do not have a child with this man. He is not a good dad and when you end up divorced years down the track, it will be horribly messy.

Your husband sounds awful and trying for a baby with him would be a terrible idea for your sake (and that's without considering how irresponsible it would be to even consider adding a half sibling when his existing child is clearly struggling).

OP, you sound lovely but your husband is failing both you and his child. It's relatively normal for children to go through stages of preferring one parent over another for bedtime, but spitting, hitting etc. is beyond that (and it's way beyond what a stepparent should be expected to deal with... that's your husband's job).

Your DH should be prioritising his child (and you!) over a hobby and shouldn't be leaving any bedtimes to you unless both you, and his child, are completely happy with that arrangement. You don't need to 'act like a mum' when his child is around because you're not one and his child's care isn't your responsibility. All you need to do is be a kind and welcoming adult, which it sounds like you're already being in spades.

If you feel like the relationship is worth saving, counselling is the only option I can think of.

It was all too fast and now the children have more of a voice they’re expressing this through their words and behaviour. They sound very unhappy. Are you married?

the kids dad should be parenting them. Their behaviour is showing they resent you massively but they’re not pushing against their dad as they don’t want to be rejected.

id leave as this is unlikely to get better.

OMG OP get out now! He’s using you as an unpaid nanny there is NO WAY you should be looking after his child at all! You are what is known as a bangmaid. Do not have a baby with this man. Seriously get out ASAP it will not get better.

So you as a non parent can’t have 5 minutes to yourself after work but he as an actual parent can leave tea bath and bed to you 2 nights out of the 4 he has them so he can go out?

You have two different issues.

For the DSC it’s a phase and won’t last forever, but likely will be replaced by a different phase - parents experience the same sorts of feelings when their DC go from angels to demons and back and repeat.

I know you are missing the sweet cuddly toddler you knew but put that to one side and treat the situation as though you were a loving aunt, teacher or babysitter. Stay calm and kind - but with really firm boundaries. “Of course you love Mum and Dad the most. You don’t have to tell anyone else you love them. But we do have to be respectful to people. That means no hitting, kind hands etc.”

Calm, kind, consistent presence and you’ll find the interactions are easier and less stressful.

The second issue is the much more important one is your DH. This needs a serious sit down talk and some ground rules laying out.

You need to be able to set out that you need a certain amount of time when you get home to decompress. That if he’s doing a hobby twice a week he needs to check with you ahead of time each week to see if you are available for childcare or whether he needs to arrange an alternative.

Work out what you want and set out your boundaries and expectations. How much free time and ‘me’ time each of you get. How much solo parenting/childcare you both will be doing. How discipline for DSC will work going forward etc.

Don’t get pregnant until you’ve worked out and agreed the above and seen it work in practice.

This sounds like how 4 year olds can behave and obviously exacerbated by family dynamics and realising they can play you off against each other. The thing is you are not their parent and you shouldn't be expected to be acting like their Mum. And 4 year olds can do the whole "I don’t like you" to their Mum- it's just a different dynamic. Your DH shouldn't be leaving you as the default parent and it should be that you are able to set some more boundaries.

You sound like a good step parent and I'm sure you will be a good parent but I would seriously think about parenting with DH and lay down some ground rules.

100% this!!
Leave now OP and don’t look back. Do not feel guilty, do not have a baby with this selfish man and do not under any circumstances be fooled by sweet talk and promises he’ll change into staying
You sound lovely, you deserve so much more

For example, it’s now expected that because of DHs new interest, I do tea, bath time and bedtime on 2 of the 4 nights a week we have DSC. DSC does not settle with me at all, which they used to do.

Wtf. That needs to stop now. DH needs to parent his own kid.

So he has his DC 4 nights a week, presumably to pay less maintenance. Then he decides to fuck off on 2 of those nights. No.

This boy is not your child…you don’t need to ‘parent’ him …,that’s his fathers job….don’t have a baby with this man……not sure where you are getting your ideas from….but you got it all wrong….you are not this boys mother ….leave your DP to parent his son himself

He needs to stop going out and he needs to make his child feel loved and secure. He is the problem here, not the kid.

OP, not only does he not have your back, but he’s putting you in an incredibly unfair position. When DC is with him, he needs to be there. No ifs or buts. He needs to be there parenting his child. As pps have said, if he can’t respect that boundary, then you need to arrange to discover a hobby on those nights until he can.

I’m sorry, but I certainly wouldn’t be looking to have a baby with him until he has proved that he can put the needs of his DC and you above his own interests.

This is very apt. Excellent point.

Why are you even considering a baby with this man when he can’t even parent his current child for a few days a week?! Don’t inflict this crappy fatherhood on another child. He’s not a great partner either, work on your self respect and get out.

I wouldn’t put up with any of this.

the kid sounds a right like swine and no it’s not normal behaviour, my children have never behaved like that.

im wondering if his mum has been slagging you off in front of him and its making him not like you?

do not have a baby with this man, honestly theres loads of decent people out there without this crap.

you deserve better.