Struggling as a childless stepparent

[Suspiciouslysplendid]

I love my family alot, I really do. And I know I signed up for a relationship with a man with a child. So expecting to get flamed.

I love DSC, they’re lovely. I’ve been in his life from the age of around 18 months (I know this is terribly early on and looking back I suppose I should have been more mindful). DSC is now 4, nearly 5. I found ages 2 and 3 fine, but I’ve been struggling massively since they turned 4.

They get very emotional (as all children do) if they’re told no, or it’s bedtime or something they don’t want to do. They hit me, shout at me and generally say hurtful stuff like “I don’t love you” (which is fine, they’re a little kid). DH tells them off for saying this, which I don’t think he should do because it’s fine for them to express how they feel.

When I come home from work, DSC will say “I’m only playing with daddy, not you”. Up until about a year ago they very much played with me, cuddled with me and generally acted like they liked me.

I’ve been increasingly expected to do things as a parent would do which I am uncomfortable with. For example, it’s now expected that because of DHs new interest, I do tea, bath time and bedtime on 2 of the 4 nights a week we have DSC. DSC does not settle with me at all, which they used to do. They will throw things at me, pull my hair and spit at me and have on occasion said things like “mummy says I only love mummy and daddy”. Whenever we go out as family, DSC will have a meltdown, either screaming or kicking. They never direct this at DH, only me. DH says I need to “be a parent, you’re mum when DSC is here”, which I don’t agree with - DSC has a mum, and I’m part of his family but I’ll never replace her or ever be on the same level.

I’ve tried to not be affected by this, but I feel like an imposter in my own home. As DSC gets so upset when I’m talking to DH, I’ve stopped trying to have conversations when DSC is here. I’ve tried playing with DSC more, leaving them to have alone time, ignoring “bad” behaviour, reading stories, encouraging him to talk about his interests and taking them with DH to places they will love. I just feel like it’s damaging to them me even being here.

i feel like a terrible person, like I’ve intruded on their life and they’re stuck with this person they hate.

Occasionally they’ll be days when DSC will speak and play with me, but it’s rare. I don’t know why this has happened.

Im starting to dread the days they’re here which is absolutely horrendous to say, and I’ve never even written this down before. But I just know I’ll feel isolated, on edge and walking on eggshells. I know it upsets DH, and I know Dsc is acting from a place of hurt? But I don’t know why.

It’s unlikely I’d be able to move out and go back to living alone. We’ve lived as a family for 3 years so I’m confused as to why this is happening now.

I want to protect my mental health, but most importantly I don’t want to contribute to a shitty existence at daddy’s house for DSC :(

Me and DH are talking about having a baby very soon and to be honest I feel like I would be a shit parent. I’m so lost please help me

Dont have a baby with him.

Don't feel ashamed to revisit your decision to marry this man...it doesn't sound like it's been a fulfilling experience...in fact, he's exploiting you as a free and permanent live in nanny...undoubtedly this suits him very much, he is evading his own parental duties, splitting parenting duties between you and the child's mother!

Just throw them all away, and put you first...yes, it's a really difficult decision. But if you have your own child, the situation will escalate.

Your husband is the only one who deserves to be flamed here. His child isn't even 5 and in that time he has split up from the child's mother, married someone else and successfully handed off parenting duties to the stepmother. No wonder the child is acting out: he's very young, has had to cope with a lot of changes in his home life, has had yet more changes due to starting school recently and his dad is becoming less and less available to him. That'd be enough to destabilise a child if the other adult in the house was the child's mother!

Time for some boundaries. You are not the parent here and your husband needs to understand that any attempts to force you into that role WILL backfire. I say this as a former stepchild whose stepparent repeatedly overstepped those boundaries to my great distress.

DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN.

Your DH is getting this very very wrong.
You're not an equal parent - being a step parent is different. He can never check out of being the default parent here.
The SC are unhappy and sounds like your DH is trying to check out and palm the kids off on you and maybe their Mum is also saying some unhelpful things.
You need to step back and he needs to step up.
Frankly you bringing another child into this situation is not going to go well. I say this kindly but also as a step mum to 2 (now adult) SC and a shared DD with my DH.

My jaw drops so often on this site.

No, @Suspiciouslysplendid you shouldn't have a baby with the man who got with you when his child was eighteen months old, who leaves you to your own devices to literally do EVERYTHING for said child while he goes off to his hobby, and who lectures you about how you have to be a parent when he fucks off on his own child.

Get out of this shit show now. For your sake and that child's.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Get yourself outta there.

@Suspiciouslysplendid

I am also a childless stepparent of sorts (my partner and I are not married but we have been living together for a number of years) - and so I do get that it can be really difficult. But - and I am saying this gently - a lot of this is a result of your DH.

My DP is certainly not perfect, but ultimately, his DC are his responsibility and so their childcare and bedtimes etc. are down to him. This is not to say that I’m not involved, because I am, but this is on my terms and always in a way that protects everyone’s wellbeing. If he was to go out to to an event/hobby on a night where his children are with us - he would firstly check with me if this was okay, it wouldn’t be presumed - and if this led to the sort of behaviour that you’ve described it certainly wouldn’t be repeated.

I can also fully understand the ‘needing 5 minutes with a cup of tea’ - and you deserve a partner who is understanding and ensures this can happen.

I’m not going to shout LTB as I get that this is easy to say but might not feel like an option right now - but please know that it is and that there is always support here open to you.

It's odd that he is pushing you into "parenting" his child when the mum is alive and very much involved. But also, some of his parenting advice is not very accurate.

If I come home from work and don’t immediately play with DSC, DH will come to wherever I am in the house and ask me to come and sit with them. I work in a high pressured environment and sometimes just need 5 minutes with a cup of tea. But this is deemed as “not being a parent”.

Even if it were your own child, the other parent if competent and well-intentioned would keep the child entertained and "gently remind" as needed - e.g., "let's give Suspicious a chance to get settled/go to the loo/change/etc. When she comes back you can tell her about your day". But actually coming with the child to FIND you?? Forgive me, but it seems like he doesn't want to take care of this poor child himself even a few minutes longer than he has to.

You can't be "expected" to be a parent to this child, and as a stepparent you certainly might help out with bath time or bedtime on occasion, but the dad only has his child 50% of the time - why is he willing to miss out? If his "interest" is something he HAS to do every day specifically at bedtime, maybe he puts it on the back burner until the child's a little older. If not, he can skip it on days his child is there, or do it after child's in bed.

This child isnt yours . You absolutely shouldn't have to parent him . I say that as a step mum . My step children were also young 2 and 4 . I was never expected to do anything. The 2 year old took to me right away. The 4 year old not so much, not to the extent of yours but made it quite clear he wasn't a fan . It was so hard at times but once he realised I wasn't trying to replace his mum things got better (we get on okay , I think that helped him take to me a bit more) . 13 years later and they love their little sibling and im very involved in both their lives (have infact just returned from 17 year olds college open evening) It can work but its hard.
Like I said , I wasn't expected to do anything (I obviously did at times but because I wanted too) Please dont let this carry on as it will get worse. Your DH needs to parent his child

Leave and don’t look back.

Not your child, not your family, not your responsibility.

How many children are there OP ? Do they all behave like this ?
It sounds really hard, have you met the childrens’ Mum ? Do you get on reasonably well ? Sometimes children can be made to feel disloyal if they like a step parent, or they may just feel this way without any parental input.
Your husband might be trying to throw you all together a lot in the hope that things get better before you have a baby, or he might just be putting too much ‘parenting’ onto you, when you aren’t a parent yet.
You sound very thoughtful and considerate, none of this suggests that you will be a terrible mum! I felt very sorry for you on reading that. I do think this needs to be addressed before you have your own baby though.

oh OP - please have a listen to the Stepmum Space Podcast (disclosure: It's mine,) I think it would really help you 💜

Don't have a baby who isn't prepared to parent his existing child. I felt sick reading this. Make yourself unavailable when step kid is around. Head to the gym. Get out of that house. When your husband starts acting like the nanny - housekeeper is being delinquent in her responsibilities you will have all the information you need.

Your problem is your DH. He shouldn’t be setting you up to be Mum so that he can be lazy and not bother doing his own parenting. You are not Mum, and it’s no wonder that the child’s actual mother has felt the need to be clear about who his actual parents are if this is his attitude. It is also no surprise that the child’s actual is clearly telling you both that he doesn’t want you acting as his mum when he already has one. Why would he want you to be another one? Children rarely want any step parents.

Do not have a baby with this man child, and do your step
child a favour and refuse to pretend to be his mother.

Your DH is at fault here not you. He’s putting you (and DSC) in an incredibly unfair position . You aren’t a parent and you shouldn’t be taking on as much care of DSC as you are and that is showing in DSC’s behaviour. It’s hard to say if DSC’s mum is at fault (the “mummy says I only love mummy and daddy” bit) or if she’s just validating DSC’s intense feelings. but for all of your sakes your DH needs to let you step back and be the fun extra rather than forcing so much responsibility onto you.

this is awful, this is what I live in fear of if my ex ever goes for 5050 as I know he’ll treat the new gf just like this. Why on earth don’t you as a couple decide let the poor boy be with his mother when it’s ‘dad’ night if dad isn’t there? Because he might have to pay £30 more child maintenance a week?
You need to say to your DH that you’re not a mum you’re more of an auntie. You love him and like to see him, but if an auntie is babysitting she need to be asked and thanked you can’t just assume she’s free.
also I hope you’re out seeing your friends or doing hobbies on the other two nights to let your DH bond with his child in peace 😄
I think there’s a reason this dad and his ex broke up when their baby was young probably due to him
priorotising himself and his hobbies over his child mothers wellbeing. Just like he’s doing with him.
I would urge you to find someone better to have your baby with.

and also be kind about mum - she is probably trying to not let her child get too attached to you as she knows what her ex is like and isn’t sure if you’ll last long.

You're not a parent, your partner is and he needs to parent his children when he has them. Helping out now and again is one thing, caring for them because he’s opted out is quite another.

Id seriously consider whether I wanted to have a child with a man who a) was established in a new relationship by the time his child was 18 months old, and b) doesn’t parent that child during his contact time with them.

I agree with the PP - you can't get 5 minutes as the non parent but he gets two night with child there free and expects you to step up and parent.

He's taking for you for a mug.

You can try pushing back and talking to him about it all - but frankly I expect you need to leave and find better.

You won’t be a shit parent. But woukd you really want to have a child with your current husband? His child will most likely physically assault your baby.

You are not the mother. Your husband just doesn’t want to deal with his own responsibilities.

Why do women put up with this sort of shit? Leave him OP. You're nothing more than a nanny with benefits.

So you got conned by a shit lazy father into being his skivvy aupair and now you are not allowed to ever not be present?

You are in a controlling abusive manipulative relationship.

Do not have a child with him.

You are free childcare.
He won't be around for any baby, he doesn't want to be arou d his own child now.

You have made a huge mistake but you can get out of it, as you haven't any children yet.

Do not have a baby.
Get away from him now.

He has used you enough as free childcare.
Have you family to go to?
Pack a bag and leave.
Take time to think.
His child doesn't want you.
Don't destroy your life by adding a child to this toxic environment.

You are not the problem.

Oh god don’t have a baby in this scenario.

Dear god leave this man.

Do NOT have a baby with him!

Why would you even consider having a baby with this man when you already have a really strained relationship with his son and have no time to yourself/issues with current situation?? It would be madness. He needs to step up and parent his son