Struggling as a childless stepparent

[Suspiciouslysplendid]

I love my family alot, I really do. And I know I signed up for a relationship with a man with a child. So expecting to get flamed.

I love DSC, they’re lovely. I’ve been in his life from the age of around 18 months (I know this is terribly early on and looking back I suppose I should have been more mindful). DSC is now 4, nearly 5. I found ages 2 and 3 fine, but I’ve been struggling massively since they turned 4.

They get very emotional (as all children do) if they’re told no, or it’s bedtime or something they don’t want to do. They hit me, shout at me and generally say hurtful stuff like “I don’t love you” (which is fine, they’re a little kid). DH tells them off for saying this, which I don’t think he should do because it’s fine for them to express how they feel.

When I come home from work, DSC will say “I’m only playing with daddy, not you”. Up until about a year ago they very much played with me, cuddled with me and generally acted like they liked me.

I’ve been increasingly expected to do things as a parent would do which I am uncomfortable with. For example, it’s now expected that because of DHs new interest, I do tea, bath time and bedtime on 2 of the 4 nights a week we have DSC. DSC does not settle with me at all, which they used to do. They will throw things at me, pull my hair and spit at me and have on occasion said things like “mummy says I only love mummy and daddy”. Whenever we go out as family, DSC will have a meltdown, either screaming or kicking. They never direct this at DH, only me. DH says I need to “be a parent, you’re mum when DSC is here”, which I don’t agree with - DSC has a mum, and I’m part of his family but I’ll never replace her or ever be on the same level.

I’ve tried to not be affected by this, but I feel like an imposter in my own home. As DSC gets so upset when I’m talking to DH, I’ve stopped trying to have conversations when DSC is here. I’ve tried playing with DSC more, leaving them to have alone time, ignoring “bad” behaviour, reading stories, encouraging him to talk about his interests and taking them with DH to places they will love. I just feel like it’s damaging to them me even being here.

i feel like a terrible person, like I’ve intruded on their life and they’re stuck with this person they hate.

Occasionally they’ll be days when DSC will speak and play with me, but it’s rare. I don’t know why this has happened.

Im starting to dread the days they’re here which is absolutely horrendous to say, and I’ve never even written this down before. But I just know I’ll feel isolated, on edge and walking on eggshells. I know it upsets DH, and I know Dsc is acting from a place of hurt? But I don’t know why.

It’s unlikely I’d be able to move out and go back to living alone. We’ve lived as a family for 3 years so I’m confused as to why this is happening now.

I want to protect my mental health, but most importantly I don’t want to contribute to a shitty existence at daddy’s house for DSC :(

Me and DH are talking about having a baby very soon and to be honest I feel like I would be a shit parent. I’m so lost please help me

Seriously OP, please don’t tie yourself to this man with a baby of your own.

He has absolutely no right to make these demands, or tell you how to “parent”.

He’s an absolute hypocrite and he’s exploiting you. Please stand up for yourself.

Erm, your partner is not very kind to you. He’s manipulating you into taking over the responsibility for his child and he seems to be perfectly fine doing so whilst his son hits you and says mean things. He’s quite frankly not partner or parent material. You can find someone much nicer than him. I don’t think he even likes you frankly. You are just very convenient for him, especially since, at least up until now, you have put up with absolute crap treatment from both him and his son.

i wonder if your DH ever parented his child by himself after he and his ex broke up, did he latch onto you as a substitute mother for his child. Without meaning to be insulting to you it honestly sounds like he quickly hooked up with you ( could have been any random willing woman), introduced you way too early into the child’s life palmed off the parenting to you and then carried on living a single life. 3 guesses as to why his previous relationship broke up. Then had the brass neck to accuse you of not putting in the effort while he fucks off. The poor child is just acting out, because he’s too young to be able to properly explain how he is feeling, he’s probably scared to act out with his dad in case his dad doesn’t want to play with him/love him anymore he’s 4 for goodness sake. The child probably acts out with you because you are the one who is there.

You've been brought in as the bang maid. Someone to have sex with, do the housework and look after the kids.

Why are you putting up with that? Why didn't you say no when he said he was going to be out the two nights?

I despair at what women will put up with.

100% this. Don;t tell me, you pay for most things too. He really saw you coming and I suspect if you found yourself unavailable for night time baby sitting you would see an entirely different side to him.He has his child 50;50 so he doesn't have to pay child support and you there to do the child rearing so he doesn't have to do that either. I wonder how many nights he would have them if you werent there to do it all. He is a disgrace and you are allowing yourself to be treated like and absolute mug. Whatever you do, do NOT have a child with him. If he feels you are pulling away he will 100% push this as he will know he has you trapped with a baby

He’ll definitely want you pregnant asap, then you’ll be locked into this mess for a good 5 years minimum. 50:50 by proxy.

That child is crying out for the attention of his dad. I’m not surprised he’s acting out. You do not need to be his parent, but your ‘D’H does. Poor child, you can’t win this one with good gestures im afraid.

Dude saw you coming. I would in no way be parenting this child.

OP I had no DC when I met my DC Father and he had 3DC. It was hard until I had my own children. I have to say they were never rude but I was certainly not important to them, they only wanted their father and his attention not mine. I did everything I could but realised it was futile.

you are NOT the Mum/parent. Do NOT do the things he is expecting of you. The DC are not emotionally mature enough to manipulate this situation, they are just looking at it/feeling it literally.

This is the Fathers problem not yours in any way/shape/form. Do not have a child with this man. It will make the situation even worse, but more importantly he is showing you just how life could be as the Mother of his child.

You’re worth more OP

Let me guess, he’s the one pushing for a baby? Then he can go out even more and leave his kids with you because ‘you’re here with the baby anyway’
He sees you as nothing more than a nanny and housekeeper and plans to trap you from leaving him by being too exhausted and busy with a baby and the other kids

Jesus H Christ OP.

DO NOT have a baby with this man.

He saw you coming a mile away didn’t he. He is a useless pathetic excuse for a father.

Listen to your instincts, and your gut. You feel uncomfortable for a reason. I would divorce him at warp speed frankly. And yes getting involved with someone with an 18 month old was not a great move. We live and learn.

Haven’t read the full thread but could the problem be with dh disappearing 2 nights a week does dsc think if he is mean to you, you will go and daddy will be back on those nights?

Gosh this is unbelievable. How have you fallen for this set up OP? You need to be way way more assertive in protecting your own time and expecting him to parent his own child. You may need to move out to achieve this.

From.a different perspective...
My sons were 50/50 shared care between myself and my ex-husband since the ages of 3 and 6. My now husband came into our lives some years later - he was childless at the time. He was the only man I ever introduced them to and it was crucial to me that they "took" to him (which they did).
However, I made it clear from Day One that ultimately the responsibility for the boys was not his and I didn't want him thinking he had "forced" obligations, including financially. Yes of course he would step up as a stepdad and help to support us emotionally etc, but the boys still very much had a bio dad they shared care with half of the time. Certainty financially, the boys were primarily the concern of both myself and my ex-husband and not stepdad.
It worked beautifully for us, and my sons are now 18 and 15 (one at uni). They have a great relationship with my now husband and their sister (husband's first and last!) who is 5.
I would strongly encourage you not to have a child with this man unless you are entirely happy with the arrangements so far. A stepsibling has been an absolute blessing for us all, but only because the family dynamics worked so well and were on solid ground in the first place.

This sounds like hell!

He needs to talk to his ex and call her out because it seems like the hate is coming through the child via her words

If she doesn’t stop poisoning that child against you I feel like you are going to be stuck in hell for years to come!

You read all of the OP and decided the ex (ergo a woman) is to blame?
There is nothing to indicate mum is at fault of anything?

Why do some people away blame women for the shitty actions of men?

Don’t even think about having a child with him

this is not a good relationship for you

He’s taking the piss. The nights he has DSC should not be the nights he’s out.

Why are you standing for this. Nanny with a Fanny!

Do not have a child with this man. You will regret it massively.

HE needs to be a parent. Not you. He is treating you like a service person and maid.

Do not have a baby with this man, you'll be even more trapped.

You have to move out as your presence is distressing the child, not through any fault of yours. There's no other solution at this point.

Your husband will get worse, not better.

It’s unlikely I’d be able to move out and go back to living alone

What do you mean by this @Suspiciouslysplendid ?

No woman should feel trapped in a relationship that isn't working. What do you need to do to get your independence back?

All of this. Just get out. Don't have a baby with him. Just imagine how shitty it will be when DSS is a teen!!!

Why do you say you couldn’t move out? You work. You are married so have joint assets.

Can you elaborate?

I think his mum is playing with the child's head making comments that he can only love mummy and daddy, I bet what she's saying to the child is the root of the problem

"it’s now expected that because of DHs new interest, I do tea, bath time and bedtime on 2 of the 4 nights a week we have DSC." But at the same time if you take 5 minutes for yourself you are not being a parent?!

He is the parent and he needs to step up.
For whatever reason his child is feeling insecure. The default position should be that he needs to be there to do tea, bath and bed every night the child is there

@Suspiciouslysplendid i had DSC prior to my DC and a husband (now ex) similar to yours, he allowed his kids to treat me like shit and never stopped his family from causing drama. Or of course the mother of DSC. Now I caveat with saying I adore my dc and wouldn’t change a thing but that’s not to say I don’t wish I’d chosen a different father for him. When my son was born and I’d just given birth he refused to ask his ex to keep the DSC for an extra night so I couldn’t relax with my hours old newborn, I had dsc wanting to play with the baby and it was a nightmare because exh wouldn’t tell them to leave the baby to sleep etc, it was hell and he fucked off to work leaving me with dsc (typically enough dc was born on a half term holiday) so I had 3 children and a newborn to navigate, plus my ex MiL “helping”. The whole thing was just shit. I missed out on bonding, recovering and for the next 3 years until we broke up the kids treated me like shite whilst my husband barely lifted a finger and fucked off out for his leisure and hobbies. I met my husband when my dc was 7 and I went on to have more children and my husband is the best dad to my son. The experience of a helpful husband, not being spoken to like crap, just everything is so much better. Cut your losses, leave this marriage because you’re going to always have your DSS mother filling his head with crap, your husband sounds useless and frankly you deserve better than being used as free childcare for a man who isnt arsed about his own kid that’s already here, he won’t change for a new one. Learn from my mistake and get out now. Ducks in a row and have a less complicated life.