How do you split finances?

[PuddleDuckGK]

Me and my partner are currently considering moving in together. I own a house, he's renting so he'd give that up and move in with me initially, with a view to buying somewhere together further down the line if all goes well.

I have one child, he has three. We've started discussing how we'd split bills etc and I'm struggling to work out what I think is fair. Initially I thought everything should just be 50/50, but now I'm not so sure.

I have a mortgage, he's offered to pay towards that but does that give him any entitlement to the property, or would you just see it as 'rent'? And I'm not sure whether he should pay more because he has more children than I do?

Just as an extra point- we both have our children 50/50, so I don't ask my son's dad for any maintenance, but he does pay his ex wife £500 a month. I'm genuinely not sure if I'm reasonable saying this but his ex works part time, I assume part of the reason she can afford to do this is because of the maintenance she gets.

Me and my partner both work full time, so I can't help but feel I shouldn't be paying half of everything when there are four of them, I almost feel that by doing that I'm funding his ex wife?

Any options/experiences welcome, I honestly don't know the best approach.

1. Background check
2. Credit check
3. Legal cohabitation agreement

Don't upend your life without ideally going through these three key points. Any red flags before cohabitation should be looked at thoroughly to avoid ruining your decision to move in together and have regrets later.

dont do it. If you really want to live together wait until the children have grown up.

btw some high earners still have to pay cm even if 50:50

Don’t move in, why would you want any of this financial responsibility. Keep your money for yourself and your DC.

I mean there's an argument for charging him rent and actually making sure he has no claims on the house at this early stage but if you are going all in then link finances to earnings and put a equivalent percentage in the pot. For example say your joint income is £100k and you earn £60k and he earns £40k ( to make it easy) and total household bills are £5000 a month, you put in 60% so £3k and he puts in 40% of the total so £2k and you keep the rest as your own personal spends.... You may also wish to make sure your access to spends is even too further down the line ( but probably only once married etc).

Jesus, your poor kid, that’s all I can say.

Honestly put all the data into chat gpt it will work it out based on fact. Then seen how you feel about it.

There is no benefit to your child to this arrangement. And a lot of disadvantage for them

Have to echo the majority of posters and beg you to consider the impact of this on your child.

The only way which would be fair is this:

• Agree what the rental value of your house is. Not your mortgage, as that can be more or less depending on YOUR equity in YOUR house.
• he should pay a proportion of the house’s rental value depending on the bedrooms used (so if you share a bedroom with him and your son has his own bedroom, but his 3 boys share 2 bedrooms, he should pay 2 thirds of the rental value vs your one third)
• have a joint account in which you both add money to pay for food and bills. The Proportion paid in should be based on the number of people (so you pay 2 parts for his 4 parts) but you can make some allowances there as some costs are the same regardless of the number of people (e.g tv license or internet)
• agree in advance how house chores will be split
• …………………
• argh, I’m actually getting a bit stressed on your behalf writing this. I can’t help but envisage you spending all your time tidying up after his kids etc. So make sure to have clear boundaries and stick to them. If they are messy, your partner has to be the one tidying up or paying for a cleaner.

So potentially your bills could not just be doubled but tripled?!
You inherit 3 dc and possibly their care/ school runs/ laundry/ feeding etc.
You go from being comfortable in your home 100% of the time to feeling awkward 50% of the time as his 3 kids are there (so you can’t nip downstairs with your bra/ knickers on type thing).
You work full time while his ex banks £500 and gets to work less and have days off while you are full on at work and have her kids 50% of the time.
Your home is potentially at risk of no longer just being yours (even if he’s not on the mortgage if he pays you he is seen as contributing).

MOSTLY for me, your dc will struggle massively. Their safe home is no longer their own. Your dc will likely be the one left out of the other 3 who have a well established bond.
Have you talked simple things like holidays? Who pays for the 4 kids- are you expected to pay for 1 of his so it’s split equally? What about when he can’t afford something as he sends his ex her £500?

Don't do it- let these responses be the sign for you to not go ahead with wrecking your and your dc future.

Enjoy the relationship as it is- it’s not that special when it becomes the reality of normal mundane life.

My first thought too. You're not playing in the same division are you and probably never will be. If he moves in before you iron everything out it will be very difficult to negotiate anything. He's got responsibilities to 3 children and is not a home owner - I struggle to see how you will even be on level terms - which you need to be IMHO - there or thereabouts. Over the course of a long relationship with children involved there will invariably be situations that lead to a lack of balance - you/he is out of work, you/he/a child /ex wife/ a parent becomes ill or dies, someone needs to step up as a carer, you need to make an expensive investment, e.g. building work, a car, supporting children at some stage of their education, etc - it's easier to do this if you are roughly on an equal footing - if not, I think it's likely to lead to some problems. I'm not sure. I'd try and get some advice - from a solicitor perhaps. How old are his kids? Does he have savings in the absence of a property? Is he in secure, well paid employment or self employed? It's a harsh way to look at things I know. I don't envy your situation TBH but I think you need a lot of head-rules-heart decisions.

Don't do it OP. You will regret it.

Suggest you peruse the step parenting board on here before making your mind up.

As a solo mum no way on earth I would compromise my son's stability or future inheritance.

Dating is fun too you know.

Does he really want to be with you or does he want a nanny with a fanny.

For goodness sake put your child first and don't do this

What @CookingFatCat said

That’s an awful idea

I do think he is intent on feathering his own nest. His offer to pay towards your mortgage is a concern. He has got three children to your one. Presumably you made sacrifices to come up with a deposit and keep the mortgage paid. Perhaps you had fewer children than you might otherwise have had to do that. He is renting and chose to have thee children and support his ex-wife to work part-time instead of prioritising buying a home for his three children.

You meanwhile will be having three of his children in your house, having more wear and tear on the house, more housework, cooking, laundry and higher utilities. You will also be working full-time and will, in effect, be susidising his ex--wife. If you do go ahead with this foolish plan, at least see a solicitor about making sure he doesn't have a claim on your house and never even consider putting him on the mortgage.

The whole thing also sounds like a nightmare for your daughter.

Sadly on MN this reality rarely deflects women from motoring ahead with a man like this.
Their desperation comes ahead of their child, house, financial security and future housing....anything for a man.

Invariably the men are so far ahead of them.
Focused completely on a solvent woman with a home to house his children, and be skivvy aupair totheim all.

The Exwife is delighted too that she keeps the family home and her exhusband is onboard with the status quo remaining.
Of course he is suggesting he pay towards the morgage, why wouldn't he?
He thinks the OP is dimwitted.
Sadly some women have to learn things the hard way.
It's their poor children I feel desperately sorry for.

50:50 in that set up would not be fair, no. If you are going to do it you need a set up where children who currently have their own room will not be asked to share/there is a plan that they will have their own space as they get older. You then need a mortgage on that home where who has contributed what is clearly defined. I’m the poor relation in our set up but I’m not after the assets DH built up with his first wife for their kids and I’m happy that the assets I do have are tied up in the bricks and mortar I call home.

As for bills the utilities are somehow more than the sum of what we were paying separately, especially water and electric. The grocery bill has also somehow gone up even though more meals are cooked from scratch. The only bill that came down was his childcare one as I work from home. (some might say I’m being a mug but I enjoy being a family with them.) We started out estimating cost per person per night and dividing the bills accordingly. Now we are married day-to-day costs come out of a joint account. If you do it you need to be able to review regularly and keep communicating.

I’m not sure if this helps or not.
I moved on with OH 6 years ago. I have no children and I was renting - he owns his own house.
I make more than him and more than his ex wife.
So me and him split bills and mortgage etc exactly in half. Including child maintenance.
During the years, SS has gone on school trips, had after school activities etc etc and because mum is a single parent and I make the most, I have always insisted that either I pay or me and OH split it.
I am happy with it this way although sometimes I do get annoyed that mum doesn’t even ask to contribute or say thanks, she always has a sarcastic answer to offer instead.

All I would say is make sure you’re happy with whatever you both decide.

Wow, this is absolutely insane. Why would you pay for children you would never see again if you were to separate? I hope you have been added to the house deeds at a minimum.

to ease my partner’s financial pressure. It means me, him and SS can do more things together.
Also to help SS’s mum. She’s a single parent who works part time. It can’t be easy for her.

OH put me on the mortgage etc after living together for 6 months

He saw you coming!
Him and his Ex must be thrilled.

So you pay half of everything, subsidising him and his whole family, including his Ex?

For no rights to anything?
You could be turfed out of HIS home anytime?

You must be absolutely desperate to have volunteered for that.

Unbelievably is what that is🤷🏻‍♀️

Good post! Just want to add that any money for your DC's future will also go down the drain.

You have your own home! Please keep it that way for you and your child's futures.

Not at all, I’m on the mortgage, the deeds and in the will. Why wouldn’t you help your partner? We have a nice life together me, him and SS. I’m not saying he doesn’t pay for things because he does clearly but if I’m bringing home twice as much as either of them, why wouldn’t I help out?!