Introducing a partner to your children - what's the best way?

[Bunny44]

Just wanted input on this. How long did you wait and how did you do it?

For context, I'm a single mum of a 2 year old. His dad is not involved at all due to leaving when I was pregnant, living in another country and not bothering much, although we do video calls (we don't call him dad though). My parents are really involved and his favourite person is my dad. I have got a new partner and haven't planned to introduce him yet, but I wondered what is the best way to do it if it gets to that stage with a new partner?

I'm very sociable and so my son has met lots of my friends and as a result my son is very sociable and confident too, so he seems to like having new people around, but I've not had a romantic partner before now and I don't want to do anything that would upset him. So just looking for advice really.

I know some people worry about security. My new partner is DBS vetted due to his work, but anything else to look out for or think about?

Do a Claire/Sarah’s law first.
https://www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sarahs-law/information/v1/sarahs-law-child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme/

https://www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/cl/triage/v2/request-information-under-clares-law/#:~:text=Clare's%20Law%20allows%20the%20police,risk%20and%20prevent%20further%20crimes.

I haven’t got any experience of my children meeting a new partner, but I can tell you how I met my stepmum! They dated for two years without me knowing (but I was very young so I wouldn’t have noticed regardless), and then she met us at the park one day under the guise as being ‘a friend’, and it continued like this for about 6 months. Occasional days out with her and my dad, she never slept over though she did come over for dinner once a week. After about a year and I’d got used to her being around a bit, my dad asked if I would like her to spend more time with us. I said yes because I adored her (lots of fun days out helped!), and that’s when it was clear they were a couple. I think all of the stress and anxiety for me was taken away because there was zero pressure for so long. It wasn’t as if somebody had come in and just started being my mum (like your DS, I had nothing to do with my bio mother), she came in like a friend so I was happy for her to move in etc. Few wobbles when I was a teenager around boundaries etc, but I call her mum now and see her almost everyday.

My ex husband was fully dbs checked and worked in law enforcement - still turned out to be a nonce. DBS checks mean nothing - they are often attracted to jobs and roles in the community that need one. Don’t let that give you a false sense of security.

@blankcanvas3That sounds like a well thought out introduction. I agree that the slowly, slowly approach is best here.

And I second a Clare's Law/Sarah's Law requeat will be a good shout. This is done without him knowing so yu have nothing to loose.

I was friends with my partner before we got together so we just continued to say i was his friend. His wee boy was 3 so i think introducing him as a friend first would work, especially when he's used to being around your friends.

It was actaully his son who said his dad should be my boyfriend so it was really easy for us to do the transition.

I wish you all the very best x

I have a great relationship with my DSCs and have known them for over 10 years.

They actually met me before I started dating their dad because we had a mutual friend.

We didn't follow the mumsnet wisdom of waiting a year plus after we started dating before I started to spend time with them. I gradually started to spend time with them when me and DH knew we wanted to have a proper relationship, after around 5 months. I think actually worked better than me suddenly appearing in their lives after 2 years because it meant we were able to ease into a dynamic that suited all of us rather than being a long established couple with a dynamic that the kids had to fit into.

Like the poster above we started slowly. I'd meet them at the park or at a museum and a couple of hours then go home. Then I started to go over for dinner and then occasional sleep overs.
I didn't move in with DH for about 5 years which was driven by me due to a bad experience with my ex but, with hindsight I think this slow pace was better for them. They started suggesting we moved in together after about 3 years 😂

I think the main thing is to start slow and monitor your child's reaction and responses. Don't force loads of time immediately and let them get to know each other at a natural pace.

I would do the disclosure as the first poster said, your child is so young. Of course it doesn’t eliminate all risk, but it helps.

I don't think I'd be up for waiting over a year before even introducing them, as as a single parent with full custody I have very little time on my own plus I'm looking to have more children in the next 3 years (I'm late 30s).

I don't want to rush things but equally I'd like to move in together, get married and have another child so can't do it where I wait 5 years etc... I'm looking to form a family.

I don’t want to sound horrible and I really hope I don’t come across as too harsh because I understand where you are coming from.

I can’t help but notice that there are a lot of “I’s” in your comment when ideally you need to put your child first and do what’s best for them.

It takes a long time before you truly know someone and you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself planning to settle down now you’ve met someone.
There are so many threads on mumsnet where women want to have more children and be in a family rather then being alone and they rush into things and realise that the man who was perfect to start isn’t as great as they thought when they truly get to know him.

I know it’s lonely at times being on your own and dealing with everything yourself, it’s also natural to get older and worry about running out of time when you want more children.
I think you’ve had some really good advice from pp about how to go about things and introducing your boyfriend slowly and letting a natural relationship develop with your son without pressure, I would definitely do the Clare and Sarah’s law checks just for added peace of mind.

I hope it goes well for you and you do end up forming a happy family but where everyone is happy including your son x

With respect - the safety and happiness of your current child is much more important than the timeline in which your currently non existent future child arrives.

I’ve been in your shoes and I introduced one ‘wrong’ guy (thankfully only one, and only on one occasion) to my kids and it was a horrible disaster that ended in one of my kids having a near-tantrum. In retrospect I rushed into it. I was a bit giddy/wrapped up in myself and expected my kids to be excited for me - and of course, they absolutely weren’t.

With my now-DP, we’d been going out for about a year before I brought him home just for an afternoon (no meal, so no forced socialising). It was on the kids’ turf, so they could retreat if they wanted to. Very low-key, no pressure on them to chat or ‘make friends’ (my DP is not their friend! Little kids don’t make friends with random adults!). Throughout the afternoon they wandered into the room to get a drink/snack and have a quick look at him before going away again.

It’s a bit like introducing an established cat (the child) to a new puppy - the established cat has to feel in control, at least at first.

This was all fine with my DP, because I had finally chosen a genuinely good guy.

This has disaster written all over it. Your existing child needs to be the priority and moving in a man and having more babies in the next few years is the opposite to that.

Plus your desperation will lead to you ignoring red flags and settling for any man who appears half decent.

You are making a lot of assumptions. I'm not desperate. Those are things I would like, but I also think would suit my child, IF it's the right person. I'm not going to rush into anything or ignore red flags, but I also don't think you have to wait 10 years to tell if it's the right person. Most people don't. My son is very sociable, would definitely suit having siblings. I feel sorry for him being an only child.

Also parenting alone doesn't just make me lonely (actually for the most part I'm not), it makes me an extremely stetched resource, which impacts my child, especially as I work full time. I would only have a partner who was also a good step father and supportive to me in a way which makes me a better parent. I don't want to commit myself to anyone before seeing that they are also good in this capacity.

I'm not going to rush into anything or ignore red flags

You ARE rushing. You've been together less than a year and you're talking about marriage and babies in the next few years.

Being an only child is usually much happier than being in a step-family. If you do this then don't kid yourself it's for your son's benefit rather than yours.

Ok sorry I forgot that according to MN that single mums must stay single forever and ever, forget the millions of happy step-families that can and do exist... Why is there a fixation that single mums can't go on to have new partners and more children, and this MUST make the exisitng children unhappy, when existing couples having more children is apparently fine.

What about my son having a loving step-parent and potentially siblings would be bad for him? Why do you think my current set-up is apparently happier? My son often is bored at home as he has to contend with entertaining himself while we sort all the housework and cooking out. I try and involve him, but there are limitations - I also don't do screen time or TV at all. He LOVES it when his cousins come to stay and my brother and his wife are in the house.

FWIW we currently live with my parents and I'm going to move out later this year, so either way his life is going to change. We can't live with my parents forever, although they will continue to be heavily involved.

There is no dad currently in his life and no unhappy co-parenting set-up so there's nobody being replaced, just potentially an additional person, who would only be allowed in if they proved themselves to be a good influence on his life.

What are you hoping to get from this thread, OP? You clearly don't want honest answers, so why did you ask the question?

Bringing a man and half-siblings into his world is a hell of a risk and certainly not what he needs after moving house.

Stepfathers will often prefer their bio children and there's a good chance he'll grow up as a second citizen in his own home.

The likelihood of him being physically, mentally, or sexually abused goes way up.

If you split up with your new man, which is statistically likely, there will be a permanent imbalance between him and his siblings.

And there is zero guarantee that he will get on with any siblings and they will help his boredom.

I wanted to hear from people who have introduced partners to their child, ideally of a similar age and situation, not from condencending, judgemental members of the public with no personal experience.

By instructing them not to answer the door because it was my date (our 4th date) and them doing it anyway out of curiousity and because 'you're my mother and it's my duty to know who is taking you out' (he was 14 at the time).

Boyfriend did not stay the night at our house until a year into the relationship and by then, my sons had met him several times. It just all happened very naturally. He lives with us now, 5 years on.

How do you know what personal experience they have or haven't had?

People are giving you honest opinions in an attempt to give you sound advice. Clearly, you're going to ignore that advice because it doesn't suit you, but that doesn't make the advice itself invalid.

Waiting a year is nothing, OP.

You say you have very little time to yourself, which means you haven't spent a lot of time with him, so barely know him. Anyone can portray themselves in a lovely light every other weekend, for example but they can't keep it up indefinitely so any cracks to their persona will come through in time. Please wait to be sure before introducing him to your child.

I get it, I was once a single parent and wanted all the things you did, but I waited 2.5 years to introduce them as I wanted to be certain he was who he appeared to be and that he made me happy before I brought him into her life to reduce the risk to her of him NOT being who I thought he was, and potential upset for her if it was done too soon and it didn't work out.

Wait for your child's sake.

Yes it does - I think most people are very ready to judge and jump to conclusions with single parents based on assumptions. I've seen plenty of that IRL.

Would you like to tell me about your personal experience of introducing a partner to your under 5 year old?

Maybe question where you are getting your assumptions from.

I do think the OP is getting a bit of a rough ride tbh. There's a middle way between pointing out potential pitfalls, and implying that single mothers are barely allowed to think about forming serious new relationships. If you've gone through this yourself and have done it successfully, it's probably helpful to state that in your post?

So you do want to rush things?

what’s the point of saying you don’t, then describing a time line which is precisely rushing?

grossly unfair and selfish on your son.

stop pretending it’s beneficial to your son to have another, it might be, might not be, you don’t know. It’s because you want one.

I don't have direct personal experience, no. But I do have friends who have introduced new partners too quickly who have subsequently regretted it. And I also have friends who were the children in that situation.

Anyway, I understand. You don't want to hear about any negative stories, you only want positive posts assuring you that it will all be fine. I hope, for your ds's sake that it will be.

If you think about it, you probably have positive examples as well, but you're only thinking of and offering the negative ones so it's not a very balanced view or advice.