Introducing a partner to your children - what's the best way?

[Bunny44]

Just wanted input on this. How long did you wait and how did you do it?

For context, I'm a single mum of a 2 year old. His dad is not involved at all due to leaving when I was pregnant, living in another country and not bothering much, although we do video calls (we don't call him dad though). My parents are really involved and his favourite person is my dad. I have got a new partner and haven't planned to introduce him yet, but I wondered what is the best way to do it if it gets to that stage with a new partner?

I'm very sociable and so my son has met lots of my friends and as a result my son is very sociable and confident too, so he seems to like having new people around, but I've not had a romantic partner before now and I don't want to do anything that would upset him. So just looking for advice really.

I know some people worry about security. My new partner is DBS vetted due to his work, but anything else to look out for or think about?

Sorry try posted twice for some reason

I don't think I love my step children as I would my own if I had them. Just as they don't love me in the same way they love their and I would never expect them to.

I love them as I love my nieces and nephews and they love me more like they would an auntie.

I think our relationship would not be as good as it is if my husband had tried to enforce that we loved each other as parent and child.

I think that's fair enough and it should never be forced, but for me, if I were to marry someone who is a single, full-time parent of a child I would expect to take on that child as my own and treat them as such, especially if the child wanted that from me. It's different if they're grown up and have both parents still in their lives, as I'd also not want to overstep.

To be honest, I've been purposefully avoiding relationships with men who are in co-parenting situations with existing children, as I know I don't want to deal with that, even if I have a child of my own, it's different for me I'm not bound to my ex or any demands on his side at all.

I am someone who has and still would consider adoption, and so the ideal of loving a child which isn't biologically mine is definitely something I imagine possible personally. The way my current partner has spoken to me, I think this is the way he thinks too.

I were to marry someone who is a single, full-time parent of a child I would expect to take on that child as my own and treat them as such, especially if the child wanted that from me

That's very easy to say if you've never been in the situation. It's a bit naive to assume you'd feel any type of way about a child you don't know. I think this kind of assumption leads to unrealistic expectations and disappointment.

I was a step child and certainly didn't want my dad's partner to treat me as if I was their own. It would have felt incredibly overbearing. I already had a mother and did not need or want another one.

I would go into it with that intention at least.

I'm talking about a situation in which you theoretically didn't have a mother who was present in your life - would you have felt differently? Especially if your step parent was the only situation you'd ever known.

My son doesn't live on the same continent as his father. He left before he was born. They don't even speak the same language. We do video calls with me translating, but my ex's wife prevents much contact and her and her daughters are his priority. He doesn't send money. I'm not convinced my son will form any attachment to him.

I'm talking about a situation in which you theoretically didn't have a mother who was present in your life - would you have felt differently?
It's impossible to say but this isn't the reality of most step parenting situations.

I can imagine that step parenting a bereaved child who had memories of their parent would be incredibly complex. I definitely wouldn't assume that they would welcome someone swooping in and acting like their mum.

I do think a bereaved child would be very different to a situation where a parent has always been absent and they never even knew them. I'm sure my son might have some feelings about this as he grows up, and difficult to know where they might land, but I know some other children in the same position have rejected the absent parent. A friend of mine took his step dad's name as an adult after his bio dad left his mum when he was young.

Others may idolise the absent parent.

I'm going to try and be neutral whilst honest with my son with regards to his father. I don't hate him and we get on ok despite him essentially abandoning me and being a shit father. I decided he did me a favour leaving me but I don't know how my son will feel.

I'd like a family unit for him to be part of. He might feel less of a loss of his own father if he has a decent father figure in his life.

I think it's hard to know how children will respond and also, crucially, how the the step parent will feel.

I think going in with preconceived motions of it needing to be a certain way can cause issues because a) that way might not actually be what is best for the child and b) putting the pressure of expectation on the type of bond that should be formed makes it hard to develop a natural bond.

I think it's better to prioritise that the child feels happy and secure but be flexible about how this is achieved. In some cases a caring but more distant relationship might be a better outcome for all concerned than loving each other as as "their own".

A lot of parents I’ve spoken to have found it helps to go slowly and keep things very low key at first, more like ‘someone mum knows’ rather than introducing a new role. Short periods of time together, and letting the child set the pace can be reassuring at this age.

amicable has an article on blending families that talks through timing, language and boundaries from a child’s point of view. I thought it might be useful with everyone’s lived experiences here:
https://amicable.io/blended-families-after-divorce

It sounds like you’re already doing a lot right by being reflective and not rushing things.

For us it was more a case of the kids finding out a long established friendship had become a romantic relationship. The older ones were teens and tweens. I did ask my then eleven year old son if we could stay at so and sos.
I got “urgh you’re going to have sex with xxx” and “only if I can play fortnite with slightly older boy!” In the same breath.

The first night we openly stayed over they all came in in the morning for the first time in years, sort of checking they still could. **