Introducing a partner to your children - what's the best way?

[Bunny44]

Just wanted input on this. How long did you wait and how did you do it?

For context, I'm a single mum of a 2 year old. His dad is not involved at all due to leaving when I was pregnant, living in another country and not bothering much, although we do video calls (we don't call him dad though). My parents are really involved and his favourite person is my dad. I have got a new partner and haven't planned to introduce him yet, but I wondered what is the best way to do it if it gets to that stage with a new partner?

I'm very sociable and so my son has met lots of my friends and as a result my son is very sociable and confident too, so he seems to like having new people around, but I've not had a romantic partner before now and I don't want to do anything that would upset him. So just looking for advice really.

I know some people worry about security. My new partner is DBS vetted due to his work, but anything else to look out for or think about?

I have lived experience, I detailed it a few comments up. Please listen to people saying to wait, your child's wellbeing is the most important thing.

Sorry, just read all the comments above my last one.

Wait a YEAR to even introduce your partner and son? I don't think you have to give it that long, OP.

Just make the first meeting casual, meet at the park or something and go from there.

With your latest posts? Never.

Never is the correct amount of time when the parent is more focused on getting their needs met than their own childs future happiness.

Your desperation and disregard for your sons wellbeing is obvious. You feign to care about what is best for him, then announce you want to rush anyway.

There is a correct way to do it.

And there is a wrong way to do it, where your child could be exposed to abuse (biggest predictor of a child being abused is a stepfather in the home) or more likely will just be desperately unhappy and pushed out in his teenage years when he is no longer cute enough for your new squeeze to bother pretending to care.

Agree 100%

What about my son having a loving step-parent and potentially siblings would be bad for him? Why do you think my current set-up is apparently happier? My son often is bored at home as he has to contend with entertaining himself while we sort all the housework and cooking out. I try and involve him, but there are limitations - I also don't do screen time or TV at all. He LOVES it when his cousins come to stay and my brother and his wife are in the house.

If you think that when he's 5, still sociable, he will be getting social needs met by a (for example) half-sibling toddler and baby, you're very naive. Plus you will be stretched thinner with new children. Stepdads notoriously start great but focus on their own children, quite naturally. As he gets older, that feeling of being a cuckoo in the nest. There's a known phenomenon with stepdads and teenage boys.

Just think very very carefully. I don't think you will, because you clearly want to do it and don't want the advice, but really, think carefully.

I do absolutely have positive examples too. But if it were my own precious child's wellbeing, I wouldn't want to rely on the luck of the draw, I would be considering how best to mitigate the risks.

Anyway, you're obviously going to throw your toys out of the pram at anyone who suggests that you should proceed with caution. You've already decided what you want to do. And you're the parent so it's your decision.

I find your responses on here unnecessarily defensive and dismissive of any perspective that doesn't align with your desired plan of action. Notwithstanding that, I sincerely hope for your child's sake that things work out for you.

If this is a new relationship why are you already thinking about kids and marriage with him.

Nasty. Nothing the OP has written suggests this.

Sounds like a great and honest mother to me.

You clearly missed sentences like this:

'I would only have a partner who was also a good step father and supportive to me in a way which makes me a better parent. I don't want to commit myself to anyone before seeing that they are also good in this capacity.'

Op there are people with no experience of step parenting on either side who like to stalk these forums to be spiteful to step mums and single mothers. It's very strange.

Please ignore it and focus on the people with experience who have given you advice.

I disagree. I think the people who don’t agree with rushing, are the people who advocate for the children involved. They don’t have experience almost precisely because they wouldn’t want to put their own children through that.
the op asked earlier to share positive experiences- sorry op, I don’t know of a single child who is happier now that their parent has moved an unrelated boyfriend/girlfriend in to their home.
you can dismiss people on this thread all you like, but I would urge you to have a quiet read of the step parenting board. Post after post detailing very unhappy children.

'you can dismiss people on this thread all you like, but I would urge you to have a quiet read of the step parenting board. Post after post detailing very unhappy children.'

Obviously ... people in happy, blended family set-ups do not feel compelled to post online for help!

Ignore the negativity, OP.

You have nothing to lose by doing the disclosures that have been mentioned. Children living with unrelated adults are statistically more at risk of harm, so you do what you can to mitigate it.

the period of time before introducing your children to a partner is never going to be universal. What I would do is make a promise to yourself that if things aren’t working, you won’t just push on.

there are so many stories of unhappy stepfamilies, where the parents won’t entertain separation. Tell yourself now, that your children comes first and you won’t have him in an unhappy home and proceed from there. Your child’s happiness can’t be collateral damage:

if you are prepared to walk away if needed, the length of time would wait matters less, but please do the disclosures.

Do you think the people who end up in unhappy blended families know from the outset that they will end up in that situation?

Nobody enters a new relationship thinking it will all go wrong. Of course, there are lots of happy blended families where everyone's needs are met, but equally, there are plenty of unhappy ones too.

Nobody is saying that the OP shouldn't have another relationship. They are si.ply advising her to proceed with great caution and to prioritise her dc's wellbeing above all else.

Yes I realise that. Personally I know some lovely examples of step parents involved, especially where the bio parent has gone AWOL or died. I have friends who regard their step parent as their own parent. I also have friends who have adopted and been adopted and they're lovely families. Just because you're a step parent or non-biological, doesn't mean you're abusive. FWIW this guy is someone I've known for over a year (through mutual friends) but we only started dating 3 months ago. I'm not going to be moving in with him for at least a year since neither of us have our own place right now. So I've spoken what I'd like to happen but obviously it's not going to happen tomorrow.

He had step parents himself so is very cautious about introductions and knows about the impact/takes it very seriously. We haven't discussed them meeting yet, only that he commented that he'd like things to be very solid between us before meeting.

And yet there are people married for 10, 20, 30 years only to find out their spouse is cheating, abusive, or worse. If only they'd just waited longer...

Yes of course I'd walk away if I thought it would be at all damaging to my child. Even the smallest red flag. I left previous relationships as I doubted how they would be as a father to prospective children, I would no doubt do the same with a real life scenario.

I'm completely financially independent so no chance of me getting 'stuck' in something unhappy. If I'd wanted that, I could have taken his dad back.

If you have read her posts then you know that OP is clearly aware of this!

She pays lip service to the idea, yes. But she isn't actually interested in listening to any advice if it doesn't fit in with what she wants to do.

That's her prerogative, of course.

I am a step parent, my DH youngest was 5 when we started dating. I hope and believe that we have what you describe -- the support I give to my DH means he is a better and more present parent to his kids than he would be otherwise. His teen/pre teen kids are always fed up when I'm away as they like it better when I'm at home, not because of me really but because, for example, I cook tea so they can spend time with him, I stay in with one of them while he drops the other one at clubs, he's happier and less overstretched because there are two of us sharing the burden of house and children. So it can work in the way you hope.

However, do not underestimate how hard and complicated it is. How will he feel about your son compared to his own children? Who will he be willing to pay for uni or house deposits (esp when the support of your son might be at the detriment of his own children), how will he cope when your son is a difficult teenager, how will he deal with your son being mean or jealous towards his children? How will you feel if he wants to parent your son in a different way to you? It's probably slightly less complicated than our situation as there is no other parent on the scene but stepparenting is always underestimated until you are in the thick of it and it is too late.

My advice, like many others, is take it slow -- inconvenient though this might be. You need to know this man really well, and have thought through the many unforeseen consequences of this situation before marriage and children and permanence.

He doesn't have any children of his own yet, but said he would like them. He already said, without me bringing it up, that he understands me and my son come as a unit and that he would see it as his responsibility to be a father figure to him if things were to progress with me. He takes that very seriously, especially as my son doesn't have his own father in his life. I wouldn't accept a partner who treats my son differently than any children of our own. Obviously you can't know till you're in the situation but you get an idea from the sort of person they are.

I'm a much higher earner (in this case much more than my partner), so my son will never go without and be treated equally financially if I have any subsequent children. I already plan to protect my assets (as in ring-fence them for my children) if I were to get married to anyone at this point.

By his own children I meant his future children with you.

Even if you are financially independent, this doesn't guarantee that this child and any future child will be treated equally if he decides that he wants to support his own children (with his own funds) more fully.

I didn't have any children when my husband and I married, we now have two. I absolutely feel differently about my own children and it takes a huge amount of wisdom and self control to ensure that the four children really are treated equally -- especially when this is at my own children's expense. We both work full time but the resources available to our shared children are absolutely and constantly affected by our commitments to his children. The house we live in and the space we need is impacted. The days out we have and the time he spends with our shared children are affected. And so, so many other things.

Your son has a very minimal relationship with his father and this will be hard for him as he grows, especially as a teen (my brothers and my husband have no relationship with their dads so I speak from experience) . It's possible that a positive male role model in his life will be good -- but a new partner also has the potential to replicate the rejection. It's so necessary to be careful and not to rush.

There is nothing in my life which requires greater wisdom, generosity and kindness than being a stepparent -- just make sure you know him really really well first. We moved slowly and it allowed by DH to see how I responded to various situations and to be fairly confident that I would treat his DC well. It's one thing to say you understand the commitment, another thing entirely to live it.

Why don't you feel like you can love your step children like your own? Do they only live with you some of the time and is their mother involved?

My son's father has step children and treats them like his own and he supports them financially, unlike his bio son.

It is different as they live with their mum about half the time. I think in many ways things would be easier if they were with us full time, as would presumably be the case for you.

Yes I think that's a major difference. I have a few friends and family where the step parent was involved from when they were a baby or young child and the ex is not involved at all, they have half siblings, and the step parent just regards them as one of their own. There's no sense of competing resources. I would feel very differently, like you do, if it was a co-parenting situation, especially if the children were older.

A guy at work has much older step children and they've been unable to have their own and he lamented to us that, while he loves his step kids and it's a happy set up, they don't regard him as a father figure as they have an involved dad.