Financial and emotional sense check

[Namechangenewyear]

I’ve NC for this, but been on MN a long time.

I’m going around in circles with DH regarding a few issues and I’m now at a point where I’m starting to question if my expectations are the issue rather than his behaviour.

We both have a DC from previous relationship, but none together.
Before we got married I was clear that I expected us to operate as a family unit, that we would parent both DC within our household (not disciplining, but in every other way) and treat them the same/fairly, including when it comes to money.

There is a constant imbalance of me doing what’s right for us as a family, and him just doing what he wants for his DC.

One of the issues is over birthday/christmas budgets, we will agree on something then he will change his mind depending on what his DC asks for on a whim (so we will have gotten their gifts, then at the last minute there will be a top up, a lot of which they change their mind about and it gets shoved in a corner/forgotten about), so not only does he go over budget, but he doesn’t make sure that my DC gets the same extra. Even if I had to pay for it myself, he could at least give me a heads up so they get the same, but in reality I don’t think I should be expected to find the extra at short notice just because he won’t stick to it.
I should say that the budgets are usually a few hundred each, and he can go over that by £100-200.

It’s also becoming an issue over pocket money/treats. Where again, one gets and the other doesn’t. Then I feel like I need to make sure I match it for my DC regardless of what money I have spare. When I have kicked off he’s given it to my DC, but then the cycle starts again where he gives one and not the other.

Its not just between the kids, he has done a couple of things where we have needed something for the house and he “can’t afford it” but then will go and spend on non essentials for his DC.

We are supposed to be saving up so technically neither of us have ‘spare’ money.

He basically says he’s just being a parent and thinks I’m being controlling.
It really upsets me feeling like my child is treated lesser, and it’s causing big fallouts.
On one hand I feel like this was something we discussed before we got married, he knows it’s important to me and he should be sticking to it, on the other hand I keep now questioning whether I was expecting too much and he should just be responsible for his and me for mine.

I just wonder what others do, specially those who are married. Thank you

Is he being a typical Disney dad?
How often does he have contact with his children?
Do yours live with you ?

Does your child like him?

Irrespective of who is right here, why do you want this for your children?

I do feel he’s a Disney dad.

His child stays over once a week (more during holidays), and he sees them throughout the week.

My child lives with us. Do like him but I wouldn’t say they are close.

I don’t want this for my child and I suppose that’s why it’s causing such issues. My child doesn’t notice the imbalance because the children are a bit like passing ships. They are both teenagers.

I don’t think your expectations are unreasonable, and I don’t think this is about you being “controlling”.
The key issue for me isn’t even the money per se — it’s that you agreed something together, and then he repeatedly disregards that agreement when it comes to his DC, leaving you to manage the emotional and practical fallout.
That isn’t “just being a parent”. That’s unilateral decision-making inside a marriage.
What would bother me most in your shoes is:

• He agrees a joint budget, then breaks it on a whim
• He doesn’t flag it in advance so things can be balanced
• He expects you to either absorb the inequality or scramble to fix it
• And when challenged, reframes it as you being the problem

That’s not fair parenting or fair partnership. I also think there’s an important distinction here that MN sometimes glosses over: you’re not asking to discipline his child, control his relationship with them, or stop him spending money on them. You’re asking for consistency, transparency, and parity inside your shared household. The repeated pattern you describe — one child gets, the other doesn’t, then you have to “kick off” to rebalance — is exactly the kind of thing that quietly corrodes relationships. Not because of greed, but because it communicates “your child (and by extension you) come second”. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect:

• agreed budgets to be stuck to
• or, if they’re changed, that it’s discussed beforehand
• and that joint financial goals (like saving) apply to both sets of children

If he truly wants completely separate financial parenting, then that needs to be explicitly agreed and structured — not drifted into while still calling yourselves a family unit. At the moment you’re carrying the emotional labour of fairness, and he’s opting out while still benefiting from the idea of a blended family when it suits him. Personally, I’d stop arguing about individual incidents and zoom out: “What we agree as a couple isn’t being honoured, and it’s damaging trust. How do we fix that?” If he can’t engage with that without defaulting to “you’re controlling”, that’s a much bigger issue than Christmas budgets. You’re not imagining this, and you’re not wrong to feel unsettled by it OP 💐

@thestepmumspacepodcast Thank you, what you’ve said describes perfectly what’s happening and what is bothering me.
I do feel like we make decisions as a couple but then I’m sidelined in favour of what his child wants, I’ve raised a few times that I’m sick of feeling like my child and I just don’t matter as much and we aren’t treated fairly.

The thing is, he wouldn’t care if I went off and spent money on my DC, and so he uses that as his argument that I’m being unreasonable. Yet I feel we should be prioritising what we NEED as a family not just what the kids want, and ensuring that the kids are treated fairly on both sides. I’ve said we should either struggle together or thrive together.

I’m becoming very resentful.
It’s got to the point where we’ve not really spoken for weeks because I am so upset/annoyed by his antics again and he’s trying to make out like I’m somehow being mean towards his child and trying to control his money, no matter how much I try to explain that’s not the case

Is he inconsistent with other things in his life or just this?

how is his short, mid and long term planning for big things like budgets / holidays etc in general?

what about the household mental load? Does he share it with you?

It sounds as if you both want different things/ the agreement has changed.

Neither of you are right or wrong.

I’d be so resentful of someone stopping me from spending what I want on my kids.

I’d be resentful if I was restricting my kids for another child to get more.

How long have you been with him?

Do you have a similar income and disposable spends to each other?

Yes he can be inconsistent and he isn’t the best at budgeting. He basically leaves most things to me to work out, then he will either agree or not.
We have been together for several years.
Our income/disposable money is similar but for a couple of years in between my salary was less.

Just want to turn this on it head a bit.

I have DD 16 and DP has DD 7. I earn a lot more than him but carry that in the house hold (pay more towards bills, expenses, I bought the ‘family car’ etc).

He feels I spoil my DD, my argument is I worked hard when she was little to be able to provide her with the life and things she has and it’s my money and as long as the bills are paid and it’s not glaringly obvious to his DD (which with the age difference it isn’t) then I will do as I please with my money and would not have him tell he otherwise.

I save for things I need and want (he does not) so when it comes to Christmas and birthdays I can buy more expensive things if I want to.

Equally I use this money to also buy SDD the ‘big present’ from us both - did the same at Christmas with a console for her.

It’s my DD’s birthday soon and I do have a large present in mind for her which DP has murmered about I genuinely don’t care. I think it’s awful that he even thinks he can comment on what I spend tbh so I ignore him.

What’s your house situation?

This.
In addition, if you have shared financial goals and committments and he is blowing them, he is not working with you as a financial-unit-team. And that is hard in a marriage.

I agree with you.

I'd add that I'd be resentful if I were stinting on my spending because we had agreed a level of saving, then he blew it.

And DH and I were always mindful of the optics of my kids not getting more than his, or vice versa, and tried to keep things equal. Your DH appears oblivious to this aspect of your life.

Is this 'family money' or his personal money?
My ds was 16 when I married DH, his ds was 22. They both lived with us full time . We've never 'joined' money apart from household bills so I didn't provide money to his ds and he didn't provide money to mine. Ds has a dad who paid maintenance, that's what I used for gifts etc etc etc. Ds step mum didn't get to define what DS dad paid (though he allowed her to influence things like that) Your DH has financial responsibility for a child, therefore you both need to be clear what he sees these responsibilities being in real amounts. If you are pooling resources for everything then he needs adhere to the budget
If you're choosing to save, then really that's your choice, but you need to have a conversation and a reset of what the actual priorities are because otherwise, like you've found it builds resentment.

He agrees with you just to close the conversation. At the point in time that you’re talking about agreeing a budget for Christmas, his head was somewhere else and he just wants to get back to whatever it was he was doing. The quickest way to achieve this is to say yes so you stop talking.
its not right and and it’s not healthy communication.
you think he has agreed with you and he is going to stick to it. He thinks he’s just shoved a boring conversation to one side so he doesn’t have to think about it. His brain takes the “easy” option in the moment. He is not thinking about consequences. I suspect he doesn’t have the executive functioning to do so.

when it comes to Christmas he does whatever his kids ask for as it’s the easiest option. Any conversation you had weeks ago is irrelevant as the only logic his brain can apply is his own: if it was reversed he wouldn’t care.

your husband has an executive functioning problem. It causes inconsistency. Lack of awareness of consequences. Poor budget management. Inability to separate and categorise short, mid and long term effects so as to make good decisions.

Thank you for your replies.

I guess it’s the fact that even when I try to compromise, ie agree to a bigger budget than I think is realistic given we are supposed to be saving, he still goes above it by a significant amount. I tried to head this off last year by saying that if he is going to spend more, can we at least agree that he makes sure it doesn’t impact his savings pot (for a house) and that he has enough to match it for my DC as well. He agreed but then did the opposite.

We agreed an amount to have saved by X date, and it’s been pushed back even though it was completely achievable. He says that the extra money he spends on his DC doesn’t impact on it, but it clearly does (it’s not just that, but a lot is).

If he was paying the lions share of the bills, etc (we split it, I pay slightly more because it was my house originally), and making sure that my DC had a main present, like @Longanddrawnout does, I wouldn’t be bothered in the same way.

@Potteryclass1 I think you’ve hit the nail on the head

@OP
I think taken together, what you’ve described paints a very clear picture, and it isn’t that you’re being unreasonable or inflexible.
You’ve compromised on budgets, adjusted expectations, carried the planning, and tried to protect shared goals. The consistent problem hasn’t been what you’ve agreed, it’s that the agreements don’t hold once the moment arrives — particularly when it comes to his DC.

That’s especially hard when:

• you’re the one doing most of the budgeting and forward planning
• savings targets keep moving despite being achievable
• you’re told overspending “doesn’t affect savings” when it plainly does
• and fairness between the children only happens if you raise it after the fact

That would leave anyone feeling sidelined and worn down.
This also doesn’t sound like a simple income issue. You’ve had similar disposable income, you’ve paid more at points when you earned less, and you’ve adapted over time. So the idea that this is about you being controlling or ungenerous doesn’t really stack up.
What it does sound like is a mismatch in how you both approach responsibility. You’re thinking ahead — family needs, savings, consistency, the bigger picture. He’s reacting in the moment, then leaving you to pick up the pieces.
And when you try to talk about it, it gets turned into you being “mean” or “controlling”, which makes it almost impossible to actually resolve anything. Anyone would end up resentful in that situation.
I don’t think this is about presents or pocket money at all. It’s about whether you can rely on what’s been agreed, and whether you feel like you’re actually in it together.
Your discomfort makes sense. This would bother a lot of people, and it’s not something you’re inventing or overthinking.

@thestepmumspacepodcast That’s exactly it.
I find him to be unreliable and unfair. More often than not we will agree something then he will do the opposite at the last minute/in the moment because of something to do with his DC, it’s not just about money, he does it in other ways too. Being a parent myself, I completely understand the need to prioritise children and the financial impacts of them, but I feel he just goes way too far in various situations to the point where it’s like no one else matters.

I feel that if it was a case of him just being a bit rubbish with money, then there wouldn’t be this constant imbalance between the children, he’d be spending too much on both sides.

In terms of the savings, we need a bigger house, so this isn’t a case of I’d just like to move and I expect everyone to have less because of it, it’s a necessity for us all.

Can you have semi-separate finances? An joint account for household stuff (that seems to be how you are doing it anyway, with you paying slightly more, but then your child lives there full time so that is fair) and separate for all other spends?

Having started typing that I can see that that won't solve the two underlying problems.

1. That he won't communicate to you about his changes of heart re unequal gift giving meaning you keep getting blindsided and your son gets less. (Maybe you just tell your kids that you'll be buying separately for your own so there are no joint gifts.)
2. That you are a saver and he is a spender and he won't change or discuss it, even though the savings are for your joint future.

I can't think of a solution to the second one as either you don't save for joint things either (which means no bigger house) or you save for joint things and he doesn't (so he gets the benefit for free). Neither of those things seem happy or fair considering your income is similar to his.

Incidentally im a saver and husband is a spender but luckily I earn a lot more so rather than share my surplus income into one pot I do save it for joint things. (Mumsnet hates anyone who isn't a one potter but this honestly works for us because I'm sharing but in a different way but it only really works because I'm the higher earner.)

I'm just not sure it's going to be workable if he isn't willing to change or unless you're willing to stay in a too small house indefinitely.

@honeylulu Thank you.

This is my worry, that it’s never going to be workable.
If he had properly committed to the savings pot for our joint ventures then I could accept that we just do our own thing with the rest of our money - even though to me that’s not how a family unit should operate and it’s not what we agreed before getting married (I know that’s not everyone’s view, just how I envisaged it and how everyone I know does it). The issue for me is that he & his DC wants are trumping the families needs (including their own). I can afford to give my DC the same, but I’m trying to make sure we have what we need.
It’s not to say he isn’t saving anything, he has built up a decent pot, but moved the target date a couple of times and then he’s dipped in to it for extra stuff for his DC, when in reality he should have stuck to budgets or reduced his own personal spending to account for the extra for his DC.
With that in mind, it worries me about buying a bigger house, pretty much doubling the mortgage.

I’m not particularly a saver by nature, but I prioritise where I need to and whilst I also like both of our kids to have things they want, I’m balanced about it.

Hi OP, yes that's the really tough thing. That he signed up to do things a certain way but keeps moving the goalposts which isn't honest and it isn't fair.

Pity your married cos when you split he’s going to walk off with a chunk of your house and pension ( you said it was your house and he moved in with you )

I would hold of buying another house with him at the moment

This is who he is - he isn’t going to magically change over night or even over months

Just depends on if you feel you can be a micro manager of a grown ass man

he’s trying to make out like I’m somehow being mean towards his child and trying to control his money, no matter how much I try to explain that’s not the case
Look up DARVO. He's attacking you because he cannot defend his own actions. It's a weasel-y, underhand way to shut you up and no matter what you do, how you do it, the words or tone you use, how accommodating or compromising you are - you will never "win". It's about being disrespecful, dismissive and that you and yours don't matter enough. He's quite happy to lie directly in your face repeatedly so you don't keep yapping.

What you do with that information is up to you. You can either bury it and carry on getting upset, or you can make plans to disengage and leave, but he will never, ever change. Personally I couldn't continue to live with an untrustworthy, unreliable liar.