Financial and emotional sense check

[Namechangenewyear]

I’ve NC for this, but been on MN a long time.

I’m going around in circles with DH regarding a few issues and I’m now at a point where I’m starting to question if my expectations are the issue rather than his behaviour.

We both have a DC from previous relationship, but none together.
Before we got married I was clear that I expected us to operate as a family unit, that we would parent both DC within our household (not disciplining, but in every other way) and treat them the same/fairly, including when it comes to money.

There is a constant imbalance of me doing what’s right for us as a family, and him just doing what he wants for his DC.

One of the issues is over birthday/christmas budgets, we will agree on something then he will change his mind depending on what his DC asks for on a whim (so we will have gotten their gifts, then at the last minute there will be a top up, a lot of which they change their mind about and it gets shoved in a corner/forgotten about), so not only does he go over budget, but he doesn’t make sure that my DC gets the same extra. Even if I had to pay for it myself, he could at least give me a heads up so they get the same, but in reality I don’t think I should be expected to find the extra at short notice just because he won’t stick to it.
I should say that the budgets are usually a few hundred each, and he can go over that by £100-200.

It’s also becoming an issue over pocket money/treats. Where again, one gets and the other doesn’t. Then I feel like I need to make sure I match it for my DC regardless of what money I have spare. When I have kicked off he’s given it to my DC, but then the cycle starts again where he gives one and not the other.

Its not just between the kids, he has done a couple of things where we have needed something for the house and he “can’t afford it” but then will go and spend on non essentials for his DC.

We are supposed to be saving up so technically neither of us have ‘spare’ money.

He basically says he’s just being a parent and thinks I’m being controlling.
It really upsets me feeling like my child is treated lesser, and it’s causing big fallouts.
On one hand I feel like this was something we discussed before we got married, he knows it’s important to me and he should be sticking to it, on the other hand I keep now questioning whether I was expecting too much and he should just be responsible for his and me for mine.

I just wonder what others do, specially those who are married. Thank you

You could say that technically everyone in a relationship risks their child’s home unless they never separate.
I think the pp meant you should have been equal in the beginning, what happened to his house equity when he moved in with you? If that's been invested in your house then it's fine but if he has nothing to lose and you could lose your house, well that is a major red flag imho.

Even without marriage I believe that if you live with someone for a certain period of time and have contributed to the home, you still may have entitlement even if your name isn’t on the mortgage.
Depends on which country you are in. In England it is down to who is on the deeds as the owner unless married. You could live in your unmarried partners house for 50 years and have no claim upon it unless you paid for an extension or conservatory type outlay. Even paying towards the mortgage wouldn't give you any rights. In fact you would have less rights than a lodger and be kicked out immediately. Frightening thought.

However - yes, your expectations are reasonable especially since you discussed them with him and he agreed. Multiple times!!

Get a solicitor's appointment and then do some hard thinking especially on whether you can keep doing this until you die. That's another 40 or 50 years OP, or just accept you will be divorcing at some point in your future and it's just a matter of when. If your health is suffering then the sooner the better in my view. Good luck

< backs slowly out of the thread >

I don't mean to be harsh, but you read as very naive.
People can live together, one with property, one without, simply paying rent to be there.
It does NOT mean they have a claim on the property.
It's called protecting yourself and educating yourself so you are not vulnerable.
Men do it all the time.
They don't hand over assets like a house to women easily.
Get legal advice and start protecting yourself and eben this late stage.

It’s not an assumption I’ve made about people having rights to others property, it’s what I’ve read and heard in the past. If that’s incorrect then fair enough.
The only way I could have protected myself was to not get married, but as I mentioned, we had talked about having children together so that was important to me.
The alternative would have been to settle down with someone for money rather than for love, and that’s not who I am.
We had an expensive wedding, which he paid his fair share for, so I had to reason to doubt him financially.

I will be following up on the advice I’ve been given.

But your DC isnt his DC, of course he's not going to treat them the same. If he was treating them badly, then thats different.
Is your childs DF involved?

This is why I began to question if I was being unreasonable. However, we talked about how we would operate as a couple and a family and he agreed with this, it’s not like I just assumed it would happen.
I don’t expect him to get my DC something every time he gets his something, but regular spending and Christmas/birthdays should be fair, especially if we were going to bring another child into the relationship.

My DC father and of course my SDC mother are involved with the children, what they get from those parents is up to them (they both treat their kids pretty much the same)

I think what happens is it all sounds fine agreeing to budgets and parenting in the beginning, but as time develops and the kids grow up, their wants and needs change.

As 8 or 10 year old, it can seem straightforward to say one thing.

When kids have different parents like this it can't always be equal.

What I don't think is good enough, is him not contributing the agreed amount towards the savings, before buying additional stuff for his child.

His behaviour is unacceptable. He needs to stop doing this, immediately. All kids get the same.

Thank you.

I do completely understand that it can be easy to agree to something if you don’t realise what’s to come in terms of child’s wants/needs, but he’s always spent far more that he should and is needed when it comes to Christmas/birthdays.
If we were very well off and had all we needed as a family, and the kids were treated the same, I wouldn’t give it a second thought. I love to spoil them so we are similar in that respect, but I do always prioritise what I need to.

I’ve told him I’m not happy and that him doing this again has shown me he’s unlikely to change, and I absolutely don’t want to live like this anymore. He’s thinking things through but I already know what the outcome will be