Financial and emotional sense check

[Namechangenewyear]

I’ve NC for this, but been on MN a long time.

I’m going around in circles with DH regarding a few issues and I’m now at a point where I’m starting to question if my expectations are the issue rather than his behaviour.

We both have a DC from previous relationship, but none together.
Before we got married I was clear that I expected us to operate as a family unit, that we would parent both DC within our household (not disciplining, but in every other way) and treat them the same/fairly, including when it comes to money.

There is a constant imbalance of me doing what’s right for us as a family, and him just doing what he wants for his DC.

One of the issues is over birthday/christmas budgets, we will agree on something then he will change his mind depending on what his DC asks for on a whim (so we will have gotten their gifts, then at the last minute there will be a top up, a lot of which they change their mind about and it gets shoved in a corner/forgotten about), so not only does he go over budget, but he doesn’t make sure that my DC gets the same extra. Even if I had to pay for it myself, he could at least give me a heads up so they get the same, but in reality I don’t think I should be expected to find the extra at short notice just because he won’t stick to it.
I should say that the budgets are usually a few hundred each, and he can go over that by £100-200.

It’s also becoming an issue over pocket money/treats. Where again, one gets and the other doesn’t. Then I feel like I need to make sure I match it for my DC regardless of what money I have spare. When I have kicked off he’s given it to my DC, but then the cycle starts again where he gives one and not the other.

Its not just between the kids, he has done a couple of things where we have needed something for the house and he “can’t afford it” but then will go and spend on non essentials for his DC.

We are supposed to be saving up so technically neither of us have ‘spare’ money.

He basically says he’s just being a parent and thinks I’m being controlling.
It really upsets me feeling like my child is treated lesser, and it’s causing big fallouts.
On one hand I feel like this was something we discussed before we got married, he knows it’s important to me and he should be sticking to it, on the other hand I keep now questioning whether I was expecting too much and he should just be responsible for his and me for mine.

I just wonder what others do, specially those who are married. Thank you

To be honest I’ve been thinking/feeling this a lot lately. But then also thinking maybe I am just expecting too much, given we don’t have the typical family unit (ie both of them being our children).

I have also considered what I stand to lose if we separate.
Part of me wonders if we will be better off moving so we are on an even footing, then if we can’t resolve things we are more in the same boat.
Yet I hate thinking like this, it feels so cold. I want a successful marriage and I do love him, I just don’t like the way he behaves sometimes

Is he ‘making up’ financially for what the costs of having your teen living with you full time is? Does he pay adequate maintenance to his son’s mother for the 6/7 nights? Although I imagine, as you sound very fair and logical, that you’ve budgeted that separately and you’re talking specifically about saving pots and gift pots that you have agreed on and he’d just … saying yeah whatever then making impulse decisions?

Not what you asked, but did you consider your DC when you agreed to marry this man? It all sounds rather grim for them. A stepdad who they like well enough but are not close with favouring their step sibling who they are like passing shops with. It doesn't sound like a great family unit.

I wouldn't commit to a bigger mortgage with a man who is a financial sieve who doesn't think twice about lying to your face repeatedly. You are not expecting too much but you do seem to be expecting very little. Why is that? Where has your self esteem gone where you think you aren't worthy of respect and mutual support?

I have also considered what I stand to lose if we separate.
What do you stand to lose if you stay? Your mental health, your confidence, your self esteem are worth more than money. Add your child's mh and self esteem being slowly corroded away it's a no brainer now you are aware. Sorry OP, I don't mean to be harsh but I don't want you to sleepwalk into further misery. He's proved time and again that he isn't trustworthy and no relationship can survive with zero trust. None.

Thank you, I do appreciate you all taking time to reply.

To answer your questions, I married him because although we had ups and downs, it wasn’t this bad.

He always speaks to my DC kindly and warmly, theres no issues on that front. And the kids do get on well, they care for each other.

I do feel guilt for my DC though, although they don’t notice an imbalance, there’s obviously an atmosphere when there are fallouts. I’ve muddled along because I hoped to turn things around.

My husband pays his ex for maintenance and extras for his DC. Any savings we talked about are after individual expenses (so maintenance, his and my personal costs for car insurance, gym, etc).

The thing is, had we got the house move sorted I wouldn’t give a monkeys about him throwing extra money at his DC if it was spare. It’s the fact that he’s constantly putting their wants above our needs and not treating my DC the same.
I am feeling like a bit of a mug. I just want equality but he can’t seem to understand that.

This!!

Also this.

@Namechangenewyear

You don’t have the same shared goals or intentions.

I’d really be doing a thorough pros and cons, staying, divorcing, short term and long term.

Sadly, sometimes love is not enough…. What are you willing to accept and tolerate without losing yourself in it.

He isn’t going to change.

If you decide to stay, maybe it’s time to re-write the frame work you operate in as a family in light of the evidence of his behaviour. His words mean nothing, it’s his actions that count.

@Hopingtobeaparent I did consider all of this last year. In reality the structure we have simply isn’t what I want in a marriage. But I thought about it all, whether it was worth losing someone I love and getting divorced over money; obviously to me it’s not about the money, but that’s how he feels.

With the way things are it’s now leading me to want to protect what’s mine, for my DC future.

That is what has led me here, trying to understand how reasonable or unreasonable I’m being, because if it comes to me walking away (which I’m finding really difficult) then I’d hate to realise down the line that actually my expectations were unrealistic of a step family.

Absolutely! Protect your assets and financial future for you and your DC. The landscape has shifted, it’s about adjusting to the new one now it seems.

Only you can decide if you can come to acceptance and peace with that for the sake of the good the relationship has to offer, or if it’s a deal breaker.

Good luck!

I think you need to accept he won't change so based on that what do you think your future marriage will look like? Not what you would hope it to be but the reality.

I think it would be a marriage based on his whims and desires and your opinions would only be considered if they aligned with his. You would be forever second guessing plans and financial commitments such as holidays, new bathroom or even a new sofa. Your foundations are not rock solid but are forever shifting on soft sands - all of which will unsettle you to the point you will feel your reality is tipping. This WILL eventually affect your mental, emotional and even physical health, and if you are not fighting fit then your DC will be impacted no matter how well you think you are shielding him. This won't happen overnight but it will happen, you see it time and time again on here but those women didn't see the red flags you have noticed right now. Up to you if you want to sacrifice everything for someone who lies.

Sadly that is the reality of it. My health and wellbeing has already suffered due to the ongoing stress.

Ultimately it seems that whilst my husband likes the idea of being a family unit, he isn’t willing to put in the work/effort required.

I know he’s not a bad person, and some of what he’s doing is down to bad experiences in his past, but I am struggling with loving and caring for him vs feeling like I should leave because there will forever be an imbalance and if he doesn’t know how to compromise and prioritise it will affect our whole lives, including retirement.

I wouldn’t know how to protect my assets now that we are married, other than leaving (which wouldn’t protect them right now, but would in the future)

My health and wellbeing has already suffered due to the ongoing stress.
There is your answer. For honesty sake what you are going through i went through with XH. It broke me physically (and am now disabled with several life limiting, stress related conditions) and mentally. I thought my only escape was by death. I will say i escaped and I'm a lot happier but my god I wish I had done it ten years earlier. It's easier to leave if you can earn money and physically do things.

Assets are treated differently in a short marriage. How long is yours?

@AutumnFroglets I’m sorry to hear what you went through, it sounds like it was definitely right for you to walk away 💐

We have been married 5 years. I have thought a few times about just taking the risk and walking away, but I suppose I keep holding out hope that we can turn things around. I probably sound really stupid thinking that

A short marriage is up to 5 years so you are right on the cusp. Get a solicitors appointment and find out what a divorce would mean for you financially, short and long term, then make a decision. But time is ticking so do it this month.

I will say that no amount of money is worth the stress, and that's even without longterm physical and mental problems arising from it. It's never a good trade imho.

Oh gosh, I thought it would be more than that. I presume that it counts from the actual divorce and not separation date, so adding that time on will surely be even worse for me.

I was seriously considering things last year, so it would be just my luck that I’ve given it another year and now it will backfire on me.

But even talking about it and all things considered, it’s hard to actually make the move when the love is still there

I think you now have to consider whether you are willing to live with this imbalance. After 5 years he's definitely not going to change. Remove the teenagers from the equation in your mind as eventually they'll be 18. What does he bring to YOUR life right now? Do you own your own house or is it shared between you. Even though its a second marriage and you both have your 'own' children, you should be able to quantify whether your actual relationship without them is in a healthy place. When he won't need to overspend on his children, will your life still be second in line to what he wants as an individual?

No idea tbh so this is why a one off consultation is vital in your circumstances. I think I paid just under £200 for an indepth, personal, discussion about finances and timelines etc. Although it seems a lot of money it was worth every penny, not just for the knowledge but also the confidence that knowledge gives you.

it’s hard to actually make the move when the love is still there
I get it, I hear you, but you need to realise that there is love only on the one side. He might say it but he's not following through with the love is he? You can't live on love but you can on trust, mutual support and respect and you don't have those. Any way I'll bow out now as you need thinking time and not me having a go. Good luck with whatever decision you make

I think to some degree, taken the children out of the equation does resolve some of the conflict. But I guess if he’s willing to go against what we agree and not prioritise our future, that’s within him, it’s not just about being a parent.

We used to have a much better relationship. We got on so well, laughed so much and although he’s not romantic by nature, he did put in the effort to try because he knew it mattered to me. But the conflict is making all of the above so few and far between now.

The house was mine before marriage. We don’t own anything together as we are still saving for another house.

Then at minimum do not 'share' anything. Do whatever you have to do to resolve the conflict for yourself x

@AutumnFroglets I don’t see it as you having a go at me, you are coming across balanced and saying a lot that I do need to consider, so thank you

OP, for goodness sake, get legal advice asap.
You have given him the right to possibly part of your childs home.
Complete madness when you knew he wasn't totally reliable.
Kindly meant, but wake up and protect your children.
You are not a team.
He does exactly as he pleases.
Your children deserve so much better.
You aren't sharing children with him.
You had no business putting your childrens home at risk.
Please forget about him and start being hard nosed.
He is not going to change.

Like I said, it wasn’t like this before.
Plenty of people who have assets get married despite having children from other relationships, no one goes into it with the intention of putting anything at risk, but with the intention of building something bigger and better as a family.
We talked about everything before we got married, our plans for the future, a timeline, etc. I had no reason at the time to think that he would not stick to it.

Ok. He moved into your how, agreed to save hard to afford a bigger house together … and yet, he is now filling through, is is infact l sabotaging the savings.

sojj uh nes as if he prefers to have plenty of money to splash around to saving hard and buying a bigger house together

The sooner you separate, the better chance you ah e of each walking away with why you brought to the table.

So he lied, and has broken his word.
That is where you are at.
He mislead you.
Your child has now had the housing put at risk by his lies.
He won't change.
He got what he wanted.
Into your home and spending his money on his child.
His priorities are living off you and your housing and spending his money on his child, knowing you will step in.
He deliberately mislead you.
You should be furious.
Forget about him and his child.
Focus on your child and how much this is going to cost you.
Get legal advice.
No more shared costs or joint account.
He has shown you who he is.
Believe him and start protecting your child and yourself.
Apologies if that sounds harsh, but he is taking you for a mug.
Lots of people have second relationships but they don't risk their childs home.

You could say that technically everyone in a relationship risks their child’s home unless they never separate.
Even without marriage I believe that if you live with someone for a certain period of time and have contributed to the home, you still may have entitlement even if your name isn’t on the mortgage.
The only way you can really be safe is to have a rented or council house and not put their name on the tenancy. But if I didn’t have my own home, then I’d be a hypocrite to have an issue with him not saving hard enough for one.

It’s not as though he hasn’t saved anything, but the target keeps being pushed back and it’s the reasons behind it that are an issue, because if they were emergency expenses then I’d be understanding.

However, I am seriously considering my options now that I have had some reassurance that my expectations are fair and reasonable. It’s easy to doubt oneself when you’ve never been in a situation like this before.