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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Advise please for entitled DH and ex wife and step daughter

70 replies

Mildredneetremble · 04/01/2026 23:50

My DH divorced 28yrs ago and has x2 adult children in their 30s, a son and daughter, when he divorced his ex wife got the house and he paid maintenance for the kids till they reached 18, his ex remarried and divorced again and again kept the house by which time the kids had moved out, she has recently purchased a property jointly with her new partner, and agreed for her daughter to build a cabin to live in on land which is part of the property so they could share the equestrian facilities that came with the property, unfortunately this has been denied planning permission and now has to be knocked down leaving the daughter in lots of debt, the ex wife is asking us for money to help buy a carvan to put on her land for her daughter to live in as she says having her living with them is out of the question so effectively making her daughter homeless but neither daughter or ex wife are willing to give up the horses and stables in order to recoup some finances.

OP posts:
TwattyMcFuckFace · 04/01/2026 23:53

You've forgotten to tell us what your DH thinks?

Original poster
Mildredneetremble · 04/01/2026 23:56

He's not happy but obviously doesnt want to see his daughter homeless, we've offered for her to come and live with us but she has declined due to the distance (200 miles away)!

OP posts:
TwattyMcFuckFace · 04/01/2026 23:57

I'd help with the cost if I was him.

Can he afford to?

Missreginafalange · 05/01/2026 00:02

You’ve already offered for DSD to stay with you, and if she declines, that’s her decision. Their inability to secure the correct planning permission doesn’t mean you and your DH should step in to bail them out, particularly when she could stay with them until they’re able to afford the caravan. DSD is in her 30s after all.

Livelaughlurgy · 05/01/2026 00:03

The daughter built the cabin without planning? Is that why she has debt?

Original poster
Mildredneetremble · 05/01/2026 00:06

Well how longs a piece of string, its not the first time - she had £3000 a few years ago towards a deposit for a house she bought with her ex partner which now they are renting out as they cant afford to sell as they remorgaged on to fund the buildig of the cabin and neither of them can afford to buy each other out.

OP posts:
veryannoyedtbh · 05/01/2026 00:07

If support of it was my DD but not my SDS. There in lies the core problem.

Original poster
Mildredneetremble · 05/01/2026 00:08

Yes she built it without planning permission, and her mum had to pay for the appeals and legal advice as its on her land.

OP posts:
Ariela · 05/01/2026 00:17

Step daughter is an adult, and should have had legal advice before starting this mad scheme. ~
He shouldn't bale her out because it won't be the last time...

Meadowfinch · 05/01/2026 00:25

Mildredneetremble · 05/01/2026 00:08

Yes she built it without planning permission, and her mum had to pay for the appeals and legal advice as its on her land.

They built without planning permission!! Then they are beyond stupid, and you would be throwing good money after bad.

Your dsd is an adult. If someone always bails her out, she will never learn any common sense.

Obviously your dp doesn't want his dd to be homeless so I suggest he offers her the deposit for renting a one bed flat.

MyNameIsAlexDrake · 05/01/2026 00:25

Are they thinking static caravan or a mobile caravan? If static have they thought about waste and water? Would need drainage and a septic tank? If a mobile caravan are they happy for daughter to pour the toilet waste down their domestic toilet and waste water?

you can pick up decent second hand static and mobile caravans cheap enough, but I’d want o know what type of van they were planning first.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 05/01/2026 00:26

No, in your DH's position I wouldn't give DD any money for this. She's an adult and did a stupid thing by building without planning permission. Your DH doesn't need to involve himself in the mess created alongside ex-wife. Ex-wife who won't even let her DD stay in her house!

Your DH has offered DD a home, which she has declined, he's done enough. It's not up to him to bankroll an adult child for life or for every mistake they make.

LunaDeBallona · 05/01/2026 00:31

Your DH has offered his adult daughter a home after she has been unbelievably stupid (in regards to the lack of planning permission).
She has declined this but wants help to have the home she wants - the answer would be no.
“Do you want to live with us” that’s as far as the offer should go because frankly it’s more than her mother is offering her!
If her mother won’t house her - why should you??
If mother wants her in a caravan on the land then mother - or DSD- can pay for it.
You have offered her a home, you don’t have to fund her lifestyle choices.

Original poster
Mildredneetremble · 05/01/2026 00:31

Also if we did help her out who do we give the money to, daughter or ex wife, as the caravan is going on her land she has the last say on the size and cost of it.

OP posts:
Dillydallydo · 05/01/2026 00:36

Respectfully I don't think investing in a caravan for a 30-something-year-old to live in is a good investment financially or in terms of her future. Does she work? What are her plans now this idea has fallen through?

SnuggledWithARetriever · 05/01/2026 00:37

She’s an adult, needs to learn to be responsible, become financially independent of your DH and live according to her means.

Original poster
Mildredneetremble · 05/01/2026 00:43

She does work but is on low pay/minimum wage as she has little to no qualifications, she went to equestrian college after leaving school(against our better judgement and under her mums insistence) to become a riding instructor - which we part funded for her.

OP posts:
Looploop · 05/01/2026 01:09

How much is a caravan?

horseplay12 · 05/01/2026 01:22

At what point is she expected to take responsibility for herself?

Meadowfinch · 05/01/2026 01:25

Mildredneetremble · 05/01/2026 00:31

Also if we did help her out who do we give the money to, daughter or ex wife, as the caravan is going on her land she has the last say on the size and cost of it.

If you decided to help, I'd check with their local planning dept first, whether a static or mobile caravan would be allowed (in our village, you'ld need planning permission). Make sure that it is properly costed - plumbing, waste management, electricity etc, and get a quote for a static base. You can't just plonk a caravan on a piece of grass.
Only once you have all the facts, then consider what would be appropriate.

Don't buy a caravan, only to be told it needs to be removed.

Looploop · 05/01/2026 02:28

If he did help with the cost (if it’s legal from a planning point of view) then he should also gift a matching sum to his DS. That’s only fair. Or make plans to help his DS at a stage when he needs it.

MirrorVent · 05/01/2026 06:55

Can she not move into the flat she owns, and pay a half-rate of rent to her ex?

Silverbirchleaf · 05/01/2026 07:01

She’s not homeless. She could either live with her mum or dad.

I think this would be throwing good money after bad and see caravans allowed on the site?

MarzipanMice · 05/01/2026 07:02

DSD doesn’t sound very clued up financially, I’d be wary of giving her more money to make mistakes with. Will she really want to live in a caravan over winter? I’d also be questioning where does it end? If she decides caravan living isn’t for her, will you and DH be expected to contribute to a property for her to live in?

hattie43 · 05/01/2026 07:30

You can’t just stick a residential caravan on land either , the council have turned down the cabin so I’d make sure a mobile home / caravan would be accepted before I spent any money .