Evil step mum or protecting my mh and boundaries

[Sunshine16994]

Teenage SC move in with us full time whilst I was 2months PP. Me and DH discussed our dynamic before this happened and agreed my focus will be DC and his will be DSC. DSC has started new school, settled well and can get public transport. We are learning DSC has not previously had many boundaries and not often told no. This means when DSC is, they can be pretty awful if not getting their way. DSC often tells lies and whatever is needed to manipulated situations. This over time has lead to me stepping back slightly and just staying a neutral member in the household, I struggle to trust when DSC is telling the truth and DSC can be awful to DH. I find it difficult to be around so try to communicate but not as in depth as previously as the conversations normally revolve around DSC not being very nice about people, remove myself or distract myself doing things around the house. I’m aware this may be different for DSC but I’m unsure of how else to deal with it.

Initially DSC was being taken to and being picked up from school for the settling in months. I offered my help on occasions but DSC was pretty awful at points and rude towards me so I asked to step back. It’s also something my DH cannot continue due to work. The agreement was to prevent additional pressure on me, DSC would get the bus eventually full time. However DSC has come accustomed to getting a lift and is not happy with it. Family members have also got involved to express their unhappiness with me not doing the school lifts. FYR bus stop is outside our house, and outside of school. There is no additional travel/walking.

We are also trying to get DSC to be a bit more helpful around the house, including very small chores (such as filling the dish washer or bringing washing down to do, tidying room). DSC refuses to do them so our stance is if that’s the case things won’t be washed, DSC has also told family members that we “aren’t nice” and don’t clean their things.

DSC thinks getting their way/people doing things for them = people being nice. Often says teachers aren’t nice because they’ve not let DSC get their way, same about BM and other family members.

I am not a horrible person at all, but with others chiming in. I was wondering if I am actually doing something wrong?! Or just putting in place boundaries that people are not normally used to?

How old are they, and why have they suddenly come to live with their Dad?

are they having therapy?

You haven’t said why the child is living with you full time.

What age is DSC? When did they and why did they need to move in full time? It doesn't sound like you or DH even had a relationship with DSC beforehand... is that accurate?

13, bio mother having issues with them

It was once suggested by several family members and myself but nothing has come into fruition.

Far from accurate DSC was with us every weekend, Bio mum lives too far away for this to have been more frequent within the week with school.

You sound totally normal! Teenage DSC should be totally able to get the bus to and from school, it’s not a big ask and it’s something many school children do.

It’s tough if they’re suddenly in a house with rules, boundaries and somewhere they struggle to get their own way. Your DH needs to be firm and keep to his boundaries!

I think you’re doing the right thing stepping back on occasion too and letting DH handle things, as long as you’re supporting DH in private too - sounds quite tough for him as well?

DSC seen comfortable trying to manipulate / lie to people, is this perhaps something they’ve seen as a way to express unhappiness? It’s wild they’d rather complain to family members about having no clean clothes rather than bring clothes to be washed, teenagers are so ridiculous 😂

Family members need to offer to provide lifts or back off imo 😂

Getting the bus is very reasonable and I would not continue with the lifts. It doesn't sound as thought they need one at all.
The jobs around the house can be a battle, one I haven't had that much success with, l'm afraid!
I wouldn't worry about what other family members are saying, if they're not happy they can step in and do more.

What you are asking of the SC is not at all unreasonable. There is no reason he can't take the bus too. Family members need to mind their own business or be told, "You are welcome to come drive him if it's so important." Taking the bus at 13 and doing things like the dishes are quite normal and reasonable. He also needs to learn that if he's not nice, people won't be as 'nice' to him.

What issues was their mother having with them?

I will struggle disclose that, it will either be too vague to be helpful or too detailed and rid of any anonymity.

Sorry OP. It just seemed from your initial post that this kid was literally thrown in to live with a family he didn't even know.

Did he not have the rules regarding washing clothes etc already when he was with you every weekend?

Re the bus... yeah I'd probably just tell DH the bus is the best option as its door to door and you have a young child whose nap schedule etc will constantly change.

I think itd be helpful to understand what problems BM was having though.... was he a troublesome kid or did she have personal problems? Does he see her?

It's completely normal IME for teens to get the bus to school rather than be driven in every day. The chores thing is normal too (but it's also normal for them to push back - your DSC is not behaving unusually here!).

So is the behaviour new to you ? Or is this ongoing and your husband has known about it?

It’s okay! I kept to the few details I was focused on, but can understand from an outsiders point of view there is not much to go from.

Not at all, my DH has had weekly visits for the last 10 years.

DSC in my opinion isn’t your “average teenager”, he had behavioural issues in school, doesn’t really have any real friends. He was removed from school and doing nothing with his life, BM as I said had no rules or boundaries, DSC could do as he pleased and had no routine. We all decided it was best if he moved into a house where he would have more structure. He sees BM every weekend but often comes back and tells us she was working all weekend so he was with family members - again I’m not sure I believe what is being said based on previous lies he’s told. He will do and say anything for attention, he’s “ill” or unwell pretty much every other day. He’s had multiple tests through the doctors which show nothing is wrong…

@ItsDarkNow DSC behaviour has always been a bit difficult but due to it only being the weekends I found it more manageable. Since it’s become full time it’s really hard for both me and DP.

Neither DSC or BM seem to tell the truth about things so it’s really hard to see the wood through the trees.

They sound very unhappy. Have they got a counsellor ?

@Bufftailed have tried to bring this up with DH and he seems to think this would be good as well but hasn’t been bought up to DSC as he is worried about how he will take it.

It sounds really hard, but bad behavior is a symptom of whatever the underlying feelings are. Treating the symptoms will only go so far.

Do they get 1-1 time with DF? Seems quite traumatic to move away from DM

DSC can be unhappy about not getting a lift, but they just have to get on with it. Most kids in secondary school get the bus.

Ignore family members trying to say otherwise. You have a baby to look after and the fact that the stepchild is rude and ungrateful doesn't help.
Even if he was polite... the bus is the way to go.

The kid obviously has some unresolved issues... if he's been difficult pretty much always it's probably stemming back from his parents seperation and the changes that brought. Honestly I think he sounds like he needs therapy or some sort of therapeutic outlet.

Personally I would probably take on a similar role to your DH such as enforcing rules etc. He's come to live with you both and might be easier if everyone on same page.

He can take the bus for this new term.
Put a laundry basket in his room and whoever does the washing just collect it every few days.

You’re not doing anything wrong here. What you’re describing looks like a normal boundary collision in a very intense transition, not you being unkind or unreasonable.
A few key things to name clearly:

• This was a massive life change: a teenage stepchild moving in full-time while you were two months postpartum is huge. It makes complete sense that roles were clarified so you could focus on your baby while your partner focused on his child. That wasn’t avoidance — it was appropriate triage.
• What you’re seeing isn’t bad character — it’s poor boundary tolerance.
• A child who hasn’t previously had consistent limits will often react strongly when “no” appears. Lying, manipulating, blaming and recruiting other adults are very common responses. That doesn’t mean the boundaries are wrong — it means they’re unfamiliar.
• Stepping back is not rejection.
• You’ve noticed that engaging deeply leads to unpleasant interactions, so you’ve chosen neutrality and self-protection. That’s a healthy response, especially when trust is shaky and you’re postpartum.
• School transport and chores are reasonable expectations.
• A teenager who can safely get the bus — with stops directly outside the house and school — does not need lifts. Small chores are part of learning responsibility. Refusing to do them and then telling others you’re “not nice” is about frustration, not neglect.
• Being “nice” is being confused with being indulgent.
• You’ve already spotted something important: for this child, “people are nice if they give me what I want.” Teachers, parents and adults who hold limits will therefore be cast as unkind. That’s a belief that gets challenged over time — not by giving in, but by calm consistency.

As for family members chiming in — that’s unfortunately very common when a child externalises their frustration. It doesn’t mean they have the full picture. You don’t need to justify yourself endlessly or change healthy boundaries to manage other people’s discomfort. The most important thing is that your partner holds the line, owns the boundaries as joint parenting decisions, and doesn’t let you become the scapegoat. Consistency, not rescuing, is what will help this child adjust. So no — you’re not being horrible or a wicked stepmum. You’re being steady in a system that isn’t used to steadiness yet. Boundaries often feel like cruelty to people who haven’t had them before — but in the long run, they’re what make relationships safer, not colder.

Don't allow this role to make you question what you know to be fair and true x

Doesn’t mean he is lying. He has been through a really shit experience being moved, he is at a very difficult age and clearly struggling and it’s obvious you don’t believe him. Ask the gp if there is any functional health support in your area
poor kid

I don’t, no but unfortunately that happens when people cry wolf a lot. It makes it clear to define what is true and what is not.

Too many abbreviations. Doing my head in. Can't people speak English anymore?