Evil step mum or protecting my mh and boundaries

[Sunshine16994]

Teenage SC move in with us full time whilst I was 2months PP. Me and DH discussed our dynamic before this happened and agreed my focus will be DC and his will be DSC. DSC has started new school, settled well and can get public transport. We are learning DSC has not previously had many boundaries and not often told no. This means when DSC is, they can be pretty awful if not getting their way. DSC often tells lies and whatever is needed to manipulated situations. This over time has lead to me stepping back slightly and just staying a neutral member in the household, I struggle to trust when DSC is telling the truth and DSC can be awful to DH. I find it difficult to be around so try to communicate but not as in depth as previously as the conversations normally revolve around DSC not being very nice about people, remove myself or distract myself doing things around the house. I’m aware this may be different for DSC but I’m unsure of how else to deal with it.

Initially DSC was being taken to and being picked up from school for the settling in months. I offered my help on occasions but DSC was pretty awful at points and rude towards me so I asked to step back. It’s also something my DH cannot continue due to work. The agreement was to prevent additional pressure on me, DSC would get the bus eventually full time. However DSC has come accustomed to getting a lift and is not happy with it. Family members have also got involved to express their unhappiness with me not doing the school lifts. FYR bus stop is outside our house, and outside of school. There is no additional travel/walking.

We are also trying to get DSC to be a bit more helpful around the house, including very small chores (such as filling the dish washer or bringing washing down to do, tidying room). DSC refuses to do them so our stance is if that’s the case things won’t be washed, DSC has also told family members that we “aren’t nice” and don’t clean their things.

DSC thinks getting their way/people doing things for them = people being nice. Often says teachers aren’t nice because they’ve not let DSC get their way, same about BM and other family members.

I am not a horrible person at all, but with others chiming in. I was wondering if I am actually doing something wrong?! Or just putting in place boundaries that people are not normally used to?

Step child. Post partum. Dear husband.

Why didn’t you just move onto a post you did want to get involved in? I find replies like this so unhelpful and almost trying to start an argument.

That sounds so difficult! I would keep your consistent boundaries. He's going to rally against you for a while until he feels settled and comfortable in his position in your home. I know he came each weekend but having been a 'weekend with dad & family' child myself, I know that it never truly feels like it's your home, more like your a very welcome guest. From what sounds like an already unhappy lad, all this upheaval at 13 must be hard. Give him a bit of slack and remember his brain isn't fully developed yet! That always helps me with mine 😂 I feel less annoyed with them and more sympathetic (even when they're on my last nerve!)

It must be really hard for everyone involved.

I think a 13 year old should take themselves to school. However, I can understand why DSC is reluctant in this weather. Its bloody cold. I'd offer to take them for the next 2 weeks while they transition into the new term as long as they are respectful during the journey. Any nonsense I'd pull over at the next bus stop and tell them to get out. If family want to comment they are always welcome to come pick up DSC and take them to school.

I wouldn't allow food upstairs at all.

Any clothes not in the laundry would not be washed. Although, I'd try and make things easy and put a laundry basket in the bathroom or on the landing.

I think it'd reasonable for everyone in the household to contribute to the household. I'd ask DSC what job the would prefer. If you want them to do the dish washer and they refuse I'd get a pack of paper plates / bowls and serve their dinner on that.

Do they have packed lunch or school dinner? If they have packed lunch then they are old enough to make it themselves.

I think you do need to build a relationship but dad should take center stage in discipline. I think DSC would benifit from 1:1 time with dad they won't be doing the fun things if he's at mums at the weekends. It would ge worth doing a mid week activity together, bowling, rock climbing, cinema. Even every other weekend would be good.

I think OP probably wants real life experiences and responses rather than AI responses here. I’m guessing she’s able to access AI herself if she needs it.

These are standard forum abbreviations, whether you like them or know them. I think it’s a reasonable to ask politely if you don’t know, but being rude about them on an unrelated post probably means this isn’t the place for you. The OP is looking for advice on a family situation not to pacify your moaning about online formatting.

Does this mean you are just going to take a position of never believing him? How do you think that’s going to play out in terms of his well-being or your relationship?

I would stay neutral and keep in the background. This is his dad’s responsibility - so don’t facilitate lifts and work only on him getting the bus. Crack this then move onto chores, doing own washing etc.

when trust is broken, I think it takes time to be built up. Like most situations so it’s something that can heal in time.

I think this is a smart approach, one thing at a time rather than cracking everything at once.

I would never ever live FT with SC. It will tear your relationship apart. And at 13, just the wrong age for this huge change.

As I say, ask for a functional health team in your area. Don’t just ignore a young person saying they are ill because your trust is broken.

I think you sound like really nice parents and I hope that the Step son settles soon. I think you've tripple whammy here, the upheaval of the situation, the lack of boundaries/continuity of care with the mum and that he's reaching one of the well known difficult age milestones.

Can't really add to it, but I just wanted to say I think you're doing so well in a difficult situation and I do hope he comes around soon, once he realises he's wanted, secure and safe.

You sound like your instincts are good on this. Behaviour is typical teen behaviour. I have to nag so much to get chores done. I ask for laundry to be put in wash but still collect it off both dc's floors (11 and 15)!

They unpack the dishwasher but will endeavour to leave it if they can and stack plates next to it.

They wash up, put rubbish out, hoover, hang washing out in haphazard fashion put away washing (most often left or screwed up somewhere random). All of this with EPIC quantities of nagging. And arguing. It woukd be easier to do it myself! Even setting the table is a farago.

They get the bus to school even in the cold. All their friends do too. Its good to develop independence.

So keep on going doing the hood job parenting. Staying calm and not getting into argument seems like a plan! I wish I managed that!!

This is a good way to describe DSC's childhood.

Do you have experience of living between homes in your childhood OP? I don't and this sounds a very difficult adjustment. Could DSC fear bullying on the bus if he has no friends?

Oh gosh he sounds just like my sister. She always lied about people, and only likes people who help her. If they don’t then she is slanderous about them to everyone. She was always like it as a child, teen and now 52 year old! She doesn’t have friends as they all cut her off after an experience with her. I’m. O contact with her and my parent and sibling are very low contact. I would keep your boundaries as they are, there is nothing wrong with him catching the bus! Don’t allow him to manipulate you further, otherwise he’ll always do it because it works!

Please bear in mind that your DSS is really still very, very young and a child. Children get things wrong .. all the time. (Adults do plenty of times don't they!?) But as a child, who has clearly had a LOT to cope with on very young shoulders, they will be struggling and need compassion even more. Please try to find something good about him, or something good that he is doing/ has done. His self esteem must be through the floor, especially with all the negative messages he will have heard at such a tender age with having been excluded from School. And now his DM saying too that he's "too much" - heartbreaking. And then for his DSM to say the same too ... I really feel for the lad, whatever he is doing. I wouldn't be too harsh on his case about laundry, washing up, etc at this vulnerable transition time. I'd focus more on building up connection and hopefully you'll end up being a truly powerful and supportive force in this young man's life and future. Great that your household has structure and love - hopefully despite have new baby, there is enough to go round for this wounded child still. Good luck xxx

Do you know what does my head in? People who rock up on a 25 yr old chat forum with its own established conventions (& acronym guides if you can be arsed to look for them) and just start spouting shite like this as though the whole world should revolve around them.

Do you know what else does my head in? People who repost the entire OP (original/opening post/poster) when they’re replying to it. Or in your case, criticising it. Because everyone is replying to the OP, and if we all reposted the entire fucking thing the thread would be unintelligible. You only quote a post if you’re replying to someone other than the OP. As I’ve just done right here. YABVVU. HTH.

I am not a step-parent (but am the parent of a teen who went through a tough time at one point - mainly because I had not experienced homelife myself and was probably too strict. I boarded, so I grew up with many friends from families split various ways.)

I think all your reasoning is legit and sensible and I totally get how you need the patience of a saint even with a teen under the easiest of circumstance.

When my DS was a teen it did my head in that he simply could not, would not, use the laundry baskets upstairs. I wasted so much energy and actually probably lost so much goodwill trying to enforce it. Pick your battles is a good motto here. Employ humour, try not to invade their privacy, but what I eventually learnt is a little bit of picking up after them is a way to show care. And what I hadn't realised when I was trying to enforce every rule (and eventually being routinely ignored) was my DS desparately wanted to know I still loved and cared for him, no matter how unlovable he behaved. And actually, whenever I switched to helping him - ensuring he had thought ahead re clean kit, ironed shirts, ensuring he had a hot water bottle & always some of his favourite healthy foods in the house - because 13-18 actually isn't very old and no body likes to be told off (for things which aren't the worst thing in the world - wait a beat and they probs will do it in their own time) and everybody needs a safe haven.

This boy is passed from pillar to post. It is no ones fault. But he needs a bit of extra nurturing. I'm not talking about being a push over. I'm just saying, if the sun shines he will take off his coat naturally, if the wind blows cold, he will draw his coat around him as defence iykwim.

Also, although 13 is an age were many kids don't breath a word on car journeys, car journeys do eventually provide a brilliant environment for a bit of communication. We actively sought out opportunities where we could be in the car together... You are coping with a new born, so have your hands full... But if another member of the family is keen, definitely ask them if they'd be up for it for a while. Or even better if your DH on the way to work.

And as for getting on the bus, is there any connection to someone who already gets that bus, to introduce him so he is not getting on by himself stone-cold-new mid-year? Because I think anyone would find that a bit daunting. Could he get a lift the first mornings and DH talk to the school to see if they could engineer introductions to someone in his year for bus home? I bet it wouldn't take long for him not to want to be seen dead with family in the car & be dead set to always take the bus.

Anyways, you sound a very caring family, so it will all work out in the end. All best

Sounds like you don’t have the skills required to be a step parent, see if any family therapy sessions are available in your area.

It’s actually not what was asked, but thank you.

If you get any more complaints from other people @Sunshine16994 simply say something along the lines of what an earlier poster suggested.
"The bus stop is outside the our house. The bus stops right outside his school. I have a baby who I would need to wake/get ready and dressed/put in the car/etc in order to give SC a lift. It is entirely reasonable for the person who has the simplest journey and the fewest responsibilities to just get on with it. That person is SC"

Sounds like you're doing a great job and the other family members need to butt out! Very easy for them to pass judgement when it doesn't directly affect them on a daily basis. They are also feeding the behaviour of DSC by allowing her to run to them and tell tales.
Oh course her nose is put out of joint by now being made to get the bus. Totally reasonable so stick to your guns. I think its very sensible to take a step back too esp if you've got your hands full with DC.
This will settle as long as you and your husband are consistent. Bend a little now and repent at leasure......

If family member is in a position to give a lift each day I’d be inclined to tell them to start doing so otherwise I’d ignore.

sc will vent at other people especially if they have been out of school and now have to fit in. Ignore unless it throws up actual issues.

personally I’d focus on the bus first and then everything else. My teens were bloody nightmares when it came to chores.

Given your own circumstances with a newborn I can guess that the behavioural issues with his birth mom must have been very dramatic. However they are not going to go away on their own and the disruption in DSCs life is likely to make them worse. I would be bringing in some help and therapy. At 13 you have perhaps 3-4 years before he will be out of control and a complete nightmare.