Evil step mum or protecting my mh and boundaries

[Sunshine16994]

Teenage SC move in with us full time whilst I was 2months PP. Me and DH discussed our dynamic before this happened and agreed my focus will be DC and his will be DSC. DSC has started new school, settled well and can get public transport. We are learning DSC has not previously had many boundaries and not often told no. This means when DSC is, they can be pretty awful if not getting their way. DSC often tells lies and whatever is needed to manipulated situations. This over time has lead to me stepping back slightly and just staying a neutral member in the household, I struggle to trust when DSC is telling the truth and DSC can be awful to DH. I find it difficult to be around so try to communicate but not as in depth as previously as the conversations normally revolve around DSC not being very nice about people, remove myself or distract myself doing things around the house. I’m aware this may be different for DSC but I’m unsure of how else to deal with it.

Initially DSC was being taken to and being picked up from school for the settling in months. I offered my help on occasions but DSC was pretty awful at points and rude towards me so I asked to step back. It’s also something my DH cannot continue due to work. The agreement was to prevent additional pressure on me, DSC would get the bus eventually full time. However DSC has come accustomed to getting a lift and is not happy with it. Family members have also got involved to express their unhappiness with me not doing the school lifts. FYR bus stop is outside our house, and outside of school. There is no additional travel/walking.

We are also trying to get DSC to be a bit more helpful around the house, including very small chores (such as filling the dish washer or bringing washing down to do, tidying room). DSC refuses to do them so our stance is if that’s the case things won’t be washed, DSC has also told family members that we “aren’t nice” and don’t clean their things.

DSC thinks getting their way/people doing things for them = people being nice. Often says teachers aren’t nice because they’ve not let DSC get their way, same about BM and other family members.

I am not a horrible person at all, but with others chiming in. I was wondering if I am actually doing something wrong?! Or just putting in place boundaries that people are not normally used to?

Also for context, everyone in our village gets the bus for high school, so under 13s would all travel by bus. A 13 year old is more than capable of getting a bus.

It sounds like you are doing a great job in a difficult situation. Your expectations sound very reasonable and SC is just reacting because it sounds like they haven't had proper boundaries before.

What a remarkable post.

@Sunshine16994 you sound like a brilliant step parent who is incredibly attuned to setting up the whole family for something consistent and loving long term. Just want to say that being conscious of whether your doing the right thing is usually only done by those who deeply care. No advice for you, but you got this!

All sounds reasonable, if family members are speaking about behaviour suggest they have the child if they can do better.

Sorry, I’ve got an update and was hoping for some advice.

DSC has a history of being unkind to younger family members — cousins, etc. It seems to come from jealousy and a need for attention, and it’s not just directed at DP and BM, but also grandparents, aunts, uncles, and others. If DSC isn’t the centre of attention, they get unhappy. I do understand this may stem from instability at home.

We thought things might improve now that there’s a new baby (DC), but unfortunately DSC continues to say unkind things — sometimes directly, other times masked as jokes. They’ve called DC an “attention seeker” for crying, and if DC is left in the same room even briefly, DSC will completely ignore them while upset. There seems to be a general lack of empathy for the fact that DC is just a baby.

To anyone with teens and younger children, is this normal teenage behaviour?

I’ve raised it with DP, who says he’s noticed it too, but he hasn’t addressed it yet. I can see it potentially escalating into a bigger issue, especially given DSC’s history and the family dynamics. I’m honestly unsure how to approach this.

Any advice or experiences would be really appreciated

Tbh I think it was a bit optimistic of you to expect this to improve because of newborn DC. For DSC, DC is part of the problem not something that will improve their situation! It's really, really normal for DSC to be jealous of their parent's new baby. As long as DSC is just ignoring the baby and not hurting them, you just need to carry on with all the advice earlier in this thread - being calm and consistent and not giving in to bad behaviour.

Sorry that’s worded terribly on my part, not improve as such but with it being a sibling not a cousin the bond be different I guess

My SC is 13. Has two young siblings (one here, one at his mums).... would probably step over the kids if the house was on fire.
He is a generally good kid, but cannot cope with the attention younger kids want. My DC idolises SC, but SC will literally remove him from the room if he cries or something. I think that's typical teen behaviour when a new sibling comes along that they never wanted.

On the illness side - anxiety and depression can often present as physical illness - so just because there isn't anything physically wrong doesn't mean everythings ok

I feel for you, but these problems aren’t going to be solved if you step back.
He is 13, has been rejected by his mother, and now lives in a house with his father and a woman who doesn’t want to be involved, but is physically present more than his father.
based on that, this is going in one direction only for the next 5 years, and that’s worse and worse.
i think when people talk of step parents stepping back, that is only absolutely fine if it’s EOW or whatever small percentage. It isn’t going to work if you live with them.
I feel for you, as I wouldn’t wish an unrelated problem teenager on anyone, but it was always a possibility.

i drive my 17yo to school, even though there is a bus. I have changed my work hours to accommodate this.
the reason I do it is because she struggles massively in the morning, got the bus for years but it stressed her so much we had school refusal etc.
if I do her this one accommodation - and it’s frankly ridiculous, you’d think she was 2yo if you watched us - she is absolutely bloody wonderful. Literally the best 17 yo ever, thriving, happy etc
I do it because I know her, know what works and love her very bones.
it’s probably the parenting he needs right now. Fuck knows how you do it without the unconditional blinding love though.

It’s really bloody hard and I really have tried to help where I can but sometimes with DC being so little still I’m mentally and physically drained by 1pm trying to regulate a baby who’s been fighting their sleep or feel like I have a day it’s possible but then nap times fluctuate. Or when I’ve just powered through and juggled everything my MH plummets.
It’s fucking hard, and a constant battle of pleasing others or keeping myself sane.
I had tried bending routines slightly and it just ended up terrible all round as we would have an unhappy baby for the rest of the evening.

I would be lying if I said it isn’t extremely hard as there’s a lot of things I personally wouldn’t agree with from my own children but maybe you are right maybe stepping back isn’t the right thing to do. But also I feel like stepping in now at this age will make things 10x worse.

It does sound really bloody hard OP. I hope things start to improve soon.

Gosh I can relate to a lot of this post, bar the moving in full time (though BM threatens this periodically on us when she’s had enough of SS). If you ever need to talk, I’m here. It’s a horrible situation and you feel you can’t do right for doing wrong but I believe yours and your child’s happiness are just as important as your step child’s.

I absolutely agree it must be so fucking hard. Teenagers can be hard enough even when you love them and they’re your own, that’s the only way I’ve been able to deal with lots of it, because I want the best for her at the end of the day and will do whatever that looks like.

im just trying to think what you could do. Left field idea - would you be able to be more present (even if faked) if for example you agreed with your dh that you would get say one long weekend away somewhere each month just you and your little one?

one thing is for absolutely sure here. It is him that needs to step up here the most, not you. Changing work hours, being present as much as possible.

if he leaves it all to you, I’d be out of his life with your child quicker than he could blink.

My own DS teen nearly undid my sanity for a while, so I cannot imagine what it must be like in your situation, but I echo what the pp suggested - he sounds depressed.

If your DH can drive him to school, those moments together in the car are precious. Deal could be lift there, bus back. At least would get him some time with Dad and some friends on the bus for longer term.

ChatGBT excelled itself 😂

The unkindness to the baby is also attention seeking.

There make be a genuine lack of empathy too but any attention is better than none.

Your DSC needs therapeutic assessment/intervention.

Having had teens myself…and a career in education, including leadership, my advice, like others, is to -

• Continue the consistency and boundaries
• Pick your battles (even leading a school, this applied to other adults, never mind children!)
• Compromise when making agreements. Could you agree to one morning a week with SC getting the bus every other day. Car journeys, as another PP said, are a great time to chat, side by side!
• ‘Either or’ works in discussion. It narrows the boundary but gives the other person some control. ‘Do you want to unload the dishwasher each evening or hoover the living room’
• Praise. Where SC does achieve, offer to help or conform, recognise this and be specific about it. ‘Well done, thank you for clearing the table’. Praise prevents the negative cycle and for some, any attention, even negative, is better than none.

These are behaviours and attitudes that SC has to either unlearn from his home life or learn afresh as these are new expectations.