When to give up trying..

[Ruth58d]

I've been in my SC's lives for over 10 years. During that time I poured so much care and love into being the best stepmum I could possibly be. I did so much research and every decision was made with the children in mind, normally putting my own needs last.

DH and his ex had an acrimonious divorce. Communication was difficult in the early years and non-existent in recent years. The mood is high-conflict, abusive and avoidant. The children have been used as weapons, they are the ones to deliver messages and sabotage is BM's number one aim. There is constant bad- mouthing, manipulation and spiteful games being played.

For me I have been absorbing an awful lot of this pain and frustration over the years. I've been living in a state of constant anxiety and stress. I hoped to protect the children from all the conflict, and hoped things would either get better in time or that the children would grow up to see that things are not right. I feel like I've made so many sacrifices at the detriment to my mental health. I hoped one day it would all be worth it.

10 years down the line and the children who are now either adults or soon to turn 18 are fiercly loyal to BM. They stand up for her behaviour and believe that nothing is wrong. All attempts to gently discuss harmful family dynamics are shut down. It is my belief that they are very scared of upsetting BM. It feels like all the work I've put in to building a relationship with them has been for nothing. Years of alienation and loyalty binds make everything seem hopeless. It's hard for me to feel emotionally safe around them.

I'm now at a crossroads. I've massively taken a step back over this last year to protect my health. This has caused strain within my own family and friend relationships who have had no idea how much I've been struggling and are surprised at my withdrawal. I feel a lot of guilt. I'm having instrusive thoughts everyday trying to figure out what to do.

I'm aware this is a real crossroads and what happens over the next couple of years will determine the SCs relationship with me and their Dad for the rest of our lives. There seems to be little interest on their side so it would be me putting in most of the effort.

I would appreciate any insights from those who have been in a similar position. Overall is it best to admit defeat now before these is more pain and disappointment? or to keep on trying indefinitely?

Oh god, drop the rope and choose to be happy. A decade is enough, you’ve done your best, just leave them to it. You’re not, never were, and never will be responsible for his relationship with his children. Take a massive step back from them, prioritise yourself and he can see them or not, it’s just not your problem.

Another vote to drop the rope. You can't make the effort for everyone and they seem unlikely to change

Yes, drop the rope. I have been in your shoes and if you have a HCBM then nothing you do will ever be right. Kids will also generally be defensive and protective of their mum, especially if they feel that she is being criticised, even if justly so. As a SM it is often a thankless role. You are expected to do everything the parent does with very little give back. Nothing wrong with stepping back sometimes. Unfortunately not every situation can be as rosy as we want it to be. It took me a while to understand that I cannot make everyone else see my intentions as good and I cannot make things how I want them to be, just because l want them that way. If other people are at different places then sometimes you have to see them where they are, you cannot make them meet you halfway if that’s not where they are at. All you can do then is choose your own sanity and decide what you are comfortable with. Honestly, stepping back was the best thing for me. The SK have a great relationship with my DH as they see him one on one mostly now, and the things I do do are more appreciated at a distance whereas before they were taken for granted.

Thank you DaisyDoodler, that is encouraging to hear. Does your DH ever try to persuade you to join in again? Do you ever feel sad that they have a great relationship and you don't (through no fault of your own)?

@Ruth58d you've done great. Well done. Sometimes these things are inevitable. My eldest lived with his Mum, we did all the traveling and made all the effort, and in hindsight it was inevitable. I do believe all your love and effort hasn't gone to waste. But it's time to move on and look after yourself.

This year I finally went NC with my SD after more than 30 years and feel much less stressed now. I don't think DH is thrilled and said she should apologise, but I said it was too late for that and that was the end of the matter. I have blocked her on all platforms.

No he doesn’t persuade me. Like me, he understands why and how we have come to this point and that it is best for everyone. In our hearts we would both rather it was the picture perfect scenario but those aren’t the cards we have been dealt and so it is making the best of the reality for everyone. I join in sometimes with our joint DC and we have a nice day but I am not their parent and don’t try to parent them as they don’t want that. Mostly my DH has them on his own and that works best for us all. They have a HCBM who causes issues if I get involved with them and the kids themselves have a lot of jealousy and insecurity because of it and so it is better for them just to have the one on one time with their father as it gives them the reassurance and the protected time that they need.

You’ve done all you can by the sounds of things so stepping back for your mental health sounds wise. Not in the same shoes but similar that I’ve done all I can but BM is always out to get us and stirs up trouble and SS naturally believes his mum and stands up for her. We never say anything about her when he’s with us as that isn’t right as she’s his mum but nothing we do is ever good enough and we’re always seen as the bad guys. I’ve already taken a step back mentally as SS never wants to visit us and even when he comes he’s distant, abusive and makes the time he’s here stressful and rather unpleasant. All you can do is try and sounds like you’ve put your time in!

Just give up. What a load of drama. You’ve done your best and they aren’t even your dc. The BM probably loves the fact that you’re still trying so hard and putting in so much effort just for them to throw it back in your face. Taking a huge step back and trying to be unbothered by it all will be the biggest fuck you to her.
How your dh approaches this is up to him but I absolutely wouldn’t be bending over backwards any longer for adult SC who don’t appreciate it.

For DH's sake, I tried so hard for so long, but even I had to give up in the end, after a lot of therapy.

I dropped the rope after she gaslit me yet again and then airbrushed me from DGC's lives as if I am not fit to be around them.

However, I was powerless to stop SD ruining what may be DH's last Christmas (he has incurable cancer) and that I cannot forgive.

Thank you so much. You've summed it up perfectly. Nothing is ever good enough.

Oh NorthenDancer, that is awful. I am so sorry 🥹

Thank you so much.

I think I can offer a perspective from a different angle that might be food for thought.

I've had a step mum for 30 years and I'm pretty sure she would write everything you have, right down to my mum being very difficult. However, that might be her perspective but it's not necessarily the whole truth. I've now gone very LC with my SM because quite frankly she managed to make a very difficult situation a lot worse for us as children.

All attempts to gently discuss harmful family dynamics are shut down. It is my belief that they are very scared of upsetting BM. It feels like all the work I've put in to building a relationship with them has been for nothing. Years of alienation and loyalty binds make everything seem hopeless. It's hard for me to feel emotionally safe around them.

It really wasn't your place to try to get the kids to talk about their mother's issues. Your efforts probably were not what they needed, inevitably caused them more stress and put them squarely in an emotional tug of war. So they made a choice. They chose their mum. It's seems like it was a power struggle and the kids were firmly in the middle. You may have thought you were doing a good thing but it was actually the opposite. They didn't need counselling from you, that wasn't your role. Now it's backfired you're effectively blaming them. Clumsy meddling is not helpful.

I'm sure you say I don't understand etc etc, but let me tell you I'm also a step mum, have been for 20 years. I have a positive relationship with my DSDs who are amazing big sisters to the kids DH and I have had. I couldn't ask for more from them. They had an extremely toxic mother who has thrown everything at us you can imagine but I've never got involved or tried to open a discussion about their mother because it wasn't my place to do so and I fully understood the additional stress it would put on them. My role was to support DH in having a relationship with his kids. That's it. And tbh with hindsight it was the right decision in a very difficult situation.

I can guarantee this was harder for them than it was for you. You had choices, they didn't. I suspect they made their minds up to cut stress out of their lives and go with the path of least resistance. I don't blame kids of divorce for doing this, they have to deal with the fall out of their parents messy choices long term.

Thank you AbominableSusan, I appreciate your reply and your differing viewpoint.

I believe in kindness, age-appropriate honesty, trust, mutual respect and a peaceful, loving home. These were the values I was raised with.

I don't believe in abuse, lies, bad-mouthing, using children as weapons, constant drama, fear-mongering and parental alienation.

I hope you didn't experience too much of the latter as a child. If your stepmum did intervene I would hope it was out of concern and love, and always supported by your Dad.

I think you're right. Being in the middle is too stressful for my SCs. I think it's a real shame, and their lives will be less rich because of it, with fewer adults in their lives who can love, guide, advise and protect them. Now that they are adults that is their choice. I will of course respect their wishes and wish them all the best.

I take my hat off to you for having a good relationship with your stepchildren even after having such toxic behaviours modelled on them and nobody speaking up about it or protecting them from it.

I think you are being a little disingenuous and passive aggressive there. Especially with your last sentence, which is a shame because you are missing the point I was trying to make.

It is not your place to speak up about their alleged abuse, it's their father's. You support him to address the issues not wade in thinking you are right and somehow superior. I supported my DH to support his DDs through the tough times, I didn't go charging in thinking it was my job. The relationship I have now with them and the success they've had in life validates that choice. Can you say your choices have been validated or have they blown up in your face? It sounds like the latter.

But it looks like the damage has already been done by misguided intentions and over stepping, so I'll leave you to it.

I agree with @AbominableSusan, it does seem like you’ve been trying to force a relationship that the children don’t want or need. They have two parents and clearly don’t appreciate your “guidance” even if it does come from a good place.
Back off and leave them to it, you can still be with their father but try just being his partner and not “stepmum ”.
You might find the children do want a relationship with you under their own terms once you stop pushing.

I never spoke up. It was always their Dad. My original post never said it was me having these conversations. I absorbed everything and didn't speak up. That is the point. You are definitely projecting.

Can you give an example of how I have been pushing? Do you mean by caring?

'All attempts to gently discuss harmful family dynamics are shut down. It is my belief that they are very scared of upsetting BM. It feels like all the work I've put in to building a relationship with them has been for nothing. Years of alienation and loyalty binds make everything seem hopeless. It's hard for me to feel emotionally safe around them'.

Your words, not mine.

You can kick out at me all you want but I'm going on the words you have written. It's lazy thinking to say I'm projecting as others clearly agree with me.

You clearly don't want to look at the situation objectively, so to answer your original question, I would admit defeat now because whatever you've been doing clearly isn't working. For you or for them.

I didn't say by me though did I? The attempts I was referring to were by their Dad. These have been very sporadic and very gentle. For example, reassuring a 15 year old that they shouldn't have to deliver messages between divorced parents. It's the adults job.

Do you support parental alienation?

I stopped trying years ago, and it wasn’t till my adult sd decided she wanted a relationship with me that we now have one. Ss never wanted to be part of our family so he’s not, and sees dh on his own. All good.

Leave

What a strange question. Nothing in my comments would suggest that I do support Parental Alienation, so I'm not sure why you are throwing that one out.

Look, whatever actions you have taken have not been well received no matter how well intended you say you were. They don't want to know. That's very clear.

You asked the question what to do and you have a choice, leave and start a new or put up with it. You're not going to have the relationship you want with them because they clearly don't want it.

I'm going to back up @AbominableSusan here. The way you worded your post(s) make it seem as though it was you doing the meddling and not their father.

I agree with the others, it's time to drop the rope and become their father's partner rather than a stepmother. Ten years is more than enough.