When to give up trying..

[Ruth58d]

I've been in my SC's lives for over 10 years. During that time I poured so much care and love into being the best stepmum I could possibly be. I did so much research and every decision was made with the children in mind, normally putting my own needs last.

DH and his ex had an acrimonious divorce. Communication was difficult in the early years and non-existent in recent years. The mood is high-conflict, abusive and avoidant. The children have been used as weapons, they are the ones to deliver messages and sabotage is BM's number one aim. There is constant bad- mouthing, manipulation and spiteful games being played.

For me I have been absorbing an awful lot of this pain and frustration over the years. I've been living in a state of constant anxiety and stress. I hoped to protect the children from all the conflict, and hoped things would either get better in time or that the children would grow up to see that things are not right. I feel like I've made so many sacrifices at the detriment to my mental health. I hoped one day it would all be worth it.

10 years down the line and the children who are now either adults or soon to turn 18 are fiercly loyal to BM. They stand up for her behaviour and believe that nothing is wrong. All attempts to gently discuss harmful family dynamics are shut down. It is my belief that they are very scared of upsetting BM. It feels like all the work I've put in to building a relationship with them has been for nothing. Years of alienation and loyalty binds make everything seem hopeless. It's hard for me to feel emotionally safe around them.

I'm now at a crossroads. I've massively taken a step back over this last year to protect my health. This has caused strain within my own family and friend relationships who have had no idea how much I've been struggling and are surprised at my withdrawal. I feel a lot of guilt. I'm having instrusive thoughts everyday trying to figure out what to do.

I'm aware this is a real crossroads and what happens over the next couple of years will determine the SCs relationship with me and their Dad for the rest of our lives. There seems to be little interest on their side so it would be me putting in most of the effort.

I would appreciate any insights from those who have been in a similar position. Overall is it best to admit defeat now before these is more pain and disappointment? or to keep on trying indefinitely?

I'm so sorry to hear about your DH x

@Ruth58d I’m really sorry you’re carrying this. What you describe is sadly very common in long-term, high-conflict stepfamily situations and none of it means you didn’t do enough or that you got it wrong.
Ten years of showing up, researching, prioritising the children and absorbing conflict is a huge amount of emotional labour. The outcome you’re seeing now isn’t a reflection of your worth or effort. In high-conflict dynamics, fierce loyalty to a parent often isn’t about truth or insight... it’s about fear, survival and not rocking the boat. Even adult children can still be very emotionally bound.
One thing that stood out to me is how much your mental health has been affected. Chronic anxiety, intrusive thoughts and emotional unsafety are signs your system has been under strain for a long time. Stepping back isn’t failure or “giving up”, it’s self-protection.
I also don’t think the choice is as stark as keep trying forever or admit defeat. There is a middle ground where you stop over-functioning for relationships that currently can’t meet you safely. That might mean staying open and kind, but no longer chasing, initiating or sacrificing yourself in the hope it will one day be different. You can care without continually hurting yourself.
It’s also worth saying that you can’t undo loyalty binds from the outside. You can’t out-love fear or fix a system you didn’t create. Continuing to push may not bring closeness, it may only deepen your grief.
Many stepmum–stepchild relationships shift later in adulthood, but that’s far more likely when the stepmum hasn’t completely burned herself out waiting. Protecting your wellbeing now doesn’t close doors forever.
Please be gentle with yourself. You’ve carried far more than most people ever see, and choosing your own health at this point is not selfish, it’s necessary.
You’re not alone in this, even though it feels incredibly isolating.

You’re carrying a lot of burdens that aren’t yours to carry.

Step back and keep well out of anything to do with DH, his ex and the kids.

They’re adults now, they don’t need parenting.

You can be polite and nice when you see them but there’s no need to break your back thinking you need to perform miracles for them.

I think YABU.

The kids are always going tp be on their mums side, expecting anything else is gonna lead to disappointment.

That's their mum. Probably the person they spend the most time with and the person who has probably done and provided the most for them.

Regardless of what you think the kids are always going to side with their mum. Unless she was directly abusive to the kids but even then they will probably side with her.

You've summed up how I'm feeling perfectly. Thank you for taking the time to reply ❤️

From the perspective of a SC .
There was no drama or anything and I was never rude or argumentative but my dads wife was just nothing to me.
she was the woman my dad had a relationship with.
i was very respectful but I wasn’t interested in family time ( she wasn’t family) .
i wished her no harm or anything but she was literally some random woman in my dads life that I had to spend time with.
my children never called her anything other than her name and we never expected anything from her.
my dad died 25 years ago and we have never kept in touch .

Thank you for your perspective. It's good to know things can be neutral for the SC without it being overly traumatic.

You're so welcome. If you haven't found Stepmum Space podcast already there's lots of support there

Out of interest was your dad in a long term relationship with this woman. Did she not live with him?

@Idontthinkicandothisanymoreyes my father was married to her and they lived together.
she is/ was a nice lady but honestly we just wasn’t interested in another dynamic to family life

I have come away from being a step parent I was in the child’s life from when she was four till she turned 16 she even lived with us for six years but anything I said or did for her was thrown back in my face in a really horrible way and I lost lots of people because of it. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I decided I didn’t want to be involved anymore. There’s no point me bothering anymore as nothing was ever enough. If your mental health is better away from it then that’s how it has to be. A decade is more than enough time to justify coming away. Do what’s best for you. Best thing I did for me was stepping back. Think of yourself for a change. 🥰