DSS’s Mum still asking for input into gifts at 18?

[Alwaysthereforthechaos]

DSS is about to turn 18, DSS has lived between us and his mum since he was little. She is a difficult individual who has struggled, despite loads of financial support and physical support from DH and I. DH has been clear that support will be reduced at the end of Jan now DS is out of school / and is 18. Money will go direct to him.
DH has had a request for help buying DSS a 1k gift for Christmas, claiming that money has always been tight and this will support a hobby of his that he’s always dreamed of, but not to talk to him
about it to him directly for fear of ruining the surprise. Also requesting we buy him an item of essential clothing for Christmas from us as she cannot possibly afford to do so? Is this just a guilt trip to get more money?

Well, is the gift relevant to a hobby DSS enjoys? Would it be a joint present from both parents, or are you planning to get him something already? Does he need the essential clothing? Is money tight for her?

Does his dad not want to contribute to a big present?
How much would he usually spend towards gifts.

I see gifting as totally separate from child support tbh.

Leave it for his dad to decide what to do. No point tying yourself in knots second guessing her thoughts.

If he buys it rather than giving her the money, then she doesn’t get the money

Would he know it was from all of you? Or
would she take the credit?

she wants to spend £1000 on a Xmas present?

I’m assuming she wants the ex to pay the majority of it!

All seems a little odd - she wants the glory of giving a big gift but can't afford to buy him a coat (or whatever essential item is)?
How much would you normally spend, is £1k gift within normal budgets?

I'd be tempted to say you (DH) will buy the gift (and if neccesary it can be joint gift from you, Dh and Mum) and she buys the cheaper essential item. I don't think I would be handing that amount of money over for her to then say the big gift is from her.

I think it is difficult to advise not knowing more about the situation. I sense perhaps incorrectly from the post that she doesn’t work and there have always been tensions re money for whatever reasons.
If dss is now out of school is he not earning and able to buy the essential item himself. If he is not working/self supporting then despite him being 18 then his mother will still be clothing/feeding etc and still be asking/needing contribution from the other parent.
If both his mum and dad are struggling for money then I guess the £1k surprise can’t happen anyway?
if dh can afford £500 contribution and wants to provide the joint present, then this on the surface of things seems a nice gesture from 2 co parents?

I don’t think asking him to contribute towards an 18th birthday present is unreasonable though £1000 does seem excessive! Children don’t stop being our children when they hit 18.

For that high cost, your DH should at least speak with his son about what hobbies he likes.
The clothing, his mother could purchase if his Dad is buying the other expensive gift.

It is sensible to confer; it helps ensure gifts are relevant and useful.

Just do separate presents. Don’t give the ex the money.

I wouldn’t be spending that amount of money without checking with the 18 year old. I wouldn’t just be handing over such a large amount of money.

We’ve already gifted DSS a large 18th gift and have plans for his Christmas. This feels like a money grab and surely unnecessary to still need help for gifts this far down the track.

She wants your dh to cover her Christmas full stop.

Just say you have already sorted his gifts..

I think since you don't have a good relationship then doing gifts separately is the most sensible. Then you don't need to worry about her motives.
You haven't answered many questions but as long as you are directly contributing to his life as appropriate to his circumstances then that's fine.

Or maybe leave that decision to DH? His son, and something he should be discussing with the ex. As long as DH is using his money, which he earns, and not dipping into joint money, then it’s really his decision alone. No need for OP to get worked up about it, and policing the situation.

Its up to your DH how much he wants to spend on Christmas for his DS. This woman sounds a bit too forceful.

Parenting doesn't end at 18.
If you don't ask you don't get.

Just say you’re willing to buy the gift or give him the money directly but that going through her stops now.

not to talk to him about it to him directly for fear of ruining the surprise
Surprises are overrated.
If you re going to spend that sort of money (£1,000!! Not an 18th present, just a Christmas one.) then it's best to discuss and get what they really want. Not what you think they want.

Given he has had a pricey 18th presents and plans for Christmas already I think DH needs to push back on the amount.

She knows that the tap is about to close given that you may give money directly to DS. My bet it is a money grab. That sum needs to be discussed - is it a hobby he is desperate to get into? What are the ongoing costs?

@Alwaysthereforthechaos Id say no to joint gifts beyond his 18th. Talk to DSS surely? Why just listen to his mum? The present isn’t for her.

What does your DH want to do?

What does your husband want to do?

if it was me, id just say no and remind her that now he's 18 this won't be happening any more. He will be getting things directly.

Why can't your husband tell her this? If buying a joint expensive gift is not what they normally do then she needs to buy what she can afford. She can't afford an essential item then she definitely can't afford a £1k gift.