DSS’s Mum still asking for input into gifts at 18?

[Alwaysthereforthechaos]

DSS is about to turn 18, DSS has lived between us and his mum since he was little. She is a difficult individual who has struggled, despite loads of financial support and physical support from DH and I. DH has been clear that support will be reduced at the end of Jan now DS is out of school / and is 18. Money will go direct to him.
DH has had a request for help buying DSS a 1k gift for Christmas, claiming that money has always been tight and this will support a hobby of his that he’s always dreamed of, but not to talk to him
about it to him directly for fear of ruining the surprise. Also requesting we buy him an item of essential clothing for Christmas from us as she cannot possibly afford to do so? Is this just a guilt trip to get more money?

DH has been clear that support will be reduced at the end of Jan now DS is out of school / and is 18. Money will go direct to him. @Alwaysthereforthechaos

I don't understand this part, will the son be moving out, working or going to university?

Because otherwise he still needs feeding and housing, which your DH will be washing his hands of.

OP, you sound far too enmeshed with DSS’s DM - you say, “She is a difficult individual who has struggled, despite loads of financial support and physical support from DH and I”. Why is she having any physical support, or financial support beyond that to which she is legally entitled? Once you divorce someone, that’s it - you become as strangers to each other. Obviously your DH will give her financial support for the DSS, but that should be it, and it should finish as soon as he finishes full-time education, so at the end of the academic year. This buying joint presents is crazy, particularly if she wants to spend £1,000. Is she proposing to divvy up £500 of this? Is it something DSS really wants, or something DM wants to give him but can’t afford? The fact that you have already made your Christmas plans should be enough. What does DH say about all this? And will he finally break away from exDW once DSS finishes education, or will she continue to be a millstone round your neck? I would not be at all happy in your situation, OP - unless there’s a lot more to this story, she sounds as though she is divorced but not separated from your DH. I don’t know many women who would put up with this.

How fucking much on a Christmas present?

no. Just no.

A father can give his child an expensive special gift for 18th if he wants to and can afford it. If that is the case here - let DH buy this gift and give it to DSS. No problem.

Then no to the 1k gift. Is the essential item actually essential? I'd probably get it if so.

Just say that @Alwaysthereforthechaos - absolutely no need for joint presents now DSS is an adult and nor should she expect the same.

Just say ‘no, stop asking, finances are now severed’.

You've arranged YOUR 18th gift for him yes?
Then the answer is no to the 1K pressie- she can fund that herself.
I'd buy clothing though.

Exactly.
And a $1,000 “surprise” gift is insane.

She sounds desperate for attention and money. Tell her that won’t work for your household’s budget.

Just say you've already got his gift.

It just seems odd that she is expecting this to be a normal expectation? They have been split of 17 years. I thought we were at the end of it, and every so often the entitlement appears.

You and DH need to be on the same page here. You have bought DSS a big gift for this 18th and have made plans for Christmas.

£1,000 for a gift is total nonsense and DH has the perfect excuse - 'sorry we have already got him something'.

I agree with others that she wants the cash, will perhaps claim she cannot fund her 'half' to get more than £500 and the actual gift will be worth significantly less. It's a last hurrah to get your DH to fund her Christmas.

Unless DSS is going onto a college course (not Uni) then maintenance ends in the September he left school. So she's already getting several extra months.

Is DH on the same page as you? If this has happened for 17 years I’m not sure why you thought it wouldn’t happen on his 18th birthday of all birthdays. I do think she’s cheeky though

DH is on the same page and is going to send a blunt we are sorted for gifts text.

What is he doing if he's currently 17 ( almost 18) and no longer in school?
If he is still a dependent, then both his parents should be responsible for essential items like clothing - even if he is 18.
Gift wise, it's perfectly reasonable for his dad to say he's already bought his gifts so won't be doing a shared gift.

He’s at Uni - we buy him clothes, his mum is saying money is too tight to provide him with clothes.

Do you think she is lying?

I think the lens through which you view her actions may be quite distorted. Do you think she can afford the gift but wants to get the money off you- (ie You think the request is about you) or is it that you know she probably can’t afford it, but her son has been pestering and she wants him to have it and his father can afford it (the request is about her son).

There’s obviously no love lost between you, but you come across as super hostile and that she can’t do right for doing wrong.

Money will be tight for her if the child support has been directed elsewhere.

Has he got enough clothes? If not sounds like he should be getting a job if you can only afford half the clothes he needs.

Then he needs a part time job. But if he needs clothes DH should know ? Does he not communicate with him regularly or give him a uni allowance?

I mean most parents still support the eir kids through uni it’s expensive.

will you be giving him room and board during the holidays ?

So she can’t afford a basic clothing item he needs but is going to put half towards a 1K present? She sounds like a financial nightmare. No way would I hand over any money to her, sounds dodgy.

Shouldn't he be start to sort his own clothes? Surely he gets student loan and can get a job

Good on you for pushing back. She sounds grabby and entitled

If he is at uni then pay money directly to him. He can then give contributions to his mother when he lives at home during the holidays.

So she's okay to spend £500 as half of a birthday present for a hobby but can't afford to buy clothes? I call bullshit. Say no to her, give him some money to put towards the hobby if you want but just do seperate presents as you intended.